We were lucky to catch up with Rebecca Thomas recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Rebecca , thanks for joining us today. Let’s jump right into something we’re very focused on here – improving our ability to make decisions. Everyday, we’re faced with decisions that can impact the future of our careers, businesses, relationships and more and so one of the most impactful areas for personal development, in our view, is decision-making. Can you talk to us about how you developed or improved your decision-making skills?
I’ve never been afraid to do what I feel compelled to do. Sometimes that’s a blessing. And sometimes that lands me smack-dab in the middle of a life lesson (complete with the necessity to get myself out of the situation & avoid recreating it at all costs). More often than not, it’s both. But I’m definitely at a place in my life where being compelled to do something doesn’t take precedent over staying in my integrity. And it took a lot of work to become that way.
Thankfully I have always been someone who didn’t have to get hit over the head with a lesson (at least, for the most part). What’s different now, compared to way back when, is the ways I qualify my decisions – which I’m grateful to say has become a process that I can now navigate with ease, trust, and alignment. But how?
It took my years to figure out what I needed to show up as my best self. And it was hard, until it wasn’t. The thing that makes it a process of ease is basing my decisions on 3 things:
1) My core values – What values guide me and are an inherent part of me, no matter what?
2) My emotional goal(s) – How do I want to feel? Not all of the time, but more often than not?
3) The future best version of myself – Making decisions in a way that leads with hope and “anything could happen” (in the best way) vs. basing my decisions on past experience, regret, fear.
When it comes to my core values, knowing what’s ultimately *the most* important to me gives me a way to streamline my decisions. And those things for me are the following – Authenticity, a growth mindset, and autonomy. Because I know that those things are ultimately incredibly important to me, and that I will naturally gravitate towards decisions that align with those things, using that information intentionally frees up my time and energy. It keeps me from second guessing things (and myself). It allows me to navigate decisions while staying in my integrity, which in turn builds self-trust, grounded confidence, and authenticity.
But knowing what’s important to us, what subconsciously drives our decisions, ultimately, isn’t always that easy to identify. It takes a ton of self-awareness, the ability to be honest with oneself, and it takes letting go of the shame and criticism that we so easily spiral into (I’m talking about that Inner Critic and the judgment of ourselves) in order to create a path of curiosity and understanding. All of those things combined are what can unlock our ability to see those underlying values, those driving forces, and align with decisions that honor who we are and what we believe in, on an individual level.
Truth be told – Trusting ourselves is sometimes the hardest piece of all of this. The perfectionist, the saboteur, the control freak, the inner critic, all of them are constantly voicing their opinions, trying to keep us “safe”. And you’ll probably never completely eradicate their dialogue. What you can do is recognize when it’s “them” speaking, when they’re trying to avoid discomfort, trying to stay in the familiar, and acknowledge what they’re trying to do while ALSO choosing differently. While also building trust and resilience and grace with yourself. While also giving yourself the opportunity to step out of your comfort zone and do things differently. And something else that really helps through all of this? Understanding and embracing that you can *change*your*mind*at*any*time. You can pivot. You can course correct. Most decisions are not going to be the end-all, be-all of your existence.
The decision making process can be a thing of reassurance and ease, something that you can trust and depend on, for yourself. We won’t always make the perfect decision (nor should we), but making a decision, taking action, will more often than not bring you clarity. And embracing that your decisions won’t always be perfect frees you up mentally and emotionally to put your time, energy and efforts effectively.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
To give you a little back story – I’m the oldest of 7, and have 5 younger sisters. When I was younger I was always in leadership or management roles, overseeing staff made up mostly of women. It’s so interesting to look back and see how that’s molded me into who I am and what I do. I didn’t get along with a lot of girls when I was growing up. I was guarded. I could be mean (I carried a lot hurt that I didn’t understand or recognize at the time), and it always seemed like I was the odd-girl out. I didn’t quite fit in. I was a tomboy. I was always in the garage with my Grandpa, or in the pole barn with my Dad, overseeing their projects, gleaning wisdom about what they were doing, getting my hands dirty. When I wasn’t helping them you’d most likely find me out in the backyard playing, climbing a tree, riding my bike, running “like the wind”, wading in the creek, exploring the acreage behind our house that led to the river, or kicking the soccer ball over the top of our house.
I was always on the go. I was me. I didn’t know how to be anyone else. I was stubborn as the day is long (I’m sure you’d be shocked to know I still am). If I felt pressured to do something (regardless of whether it was in my best interest), I dug my heals in, locked my jaw, and braced myself (literally AND hypothetically). At the same time I was also incredibly invested in the feelings of others. I didn’t like to see people hurt, in any way. I could sense the emotions they carried, whether they were aware of them or not. And I’ve always been able to look on the bright side, see that all is not for naught, that everything serves a purpose, and find pockets of joy – NO MATTER WHAT.
I’ve learned a lot of my lessons the “fail forward” way. Once upon a time that meant taking action without thinking the consequences through (I think that’s where a lot of my authenticity, self-trust, and grounded confidence took shape). Now, I consider more consequences than I probably should AND have a healthy relationship with knowing when to take aligned action, keeping my goals and priorities in line.
I say all of this to say – fast forward to present day and (shocker) you’ll find me teaching women to reconnect with themselves. To create space to find more joy and ease in their lives. To, one action at a time, rebuild their self-trust and intuition in a way that honors their most authentic selves. To take more chances on themselves, rediscover their self-value, and embrace the life they were meant to live (instead of playing the perpetual game of “let’s not get hurt….again”).
What’s really interesting about how I got here and what shaped me into this person is the incredible loss I experienced during 2013 and 2014. In 2013 I lost my younger brother – a beautiful soul who was never really himself again (and never learned to embrace the new version of himself) after becoming a quadriplegic at 20 years old. Exactly one year later, to the day, I lost the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, suddenly. The grief from those two experiences was incredibly different (in ways I can explain, but too much to share here). But that grief is incredibly relevant because it was the process of allowing my grief, allowing my feelings, falling completely apart that allowed me to arrive on the other side of it with not only a ton of compassion for myself, but as a new version of myself that could not only recognize the emotion and feeling in others, and could now sit with it, comfortably.
As a Life Coach, a majority of what I do ties back to holding space for others – in my case, more specifically with women. And it’s in sitting with, empathizing with, extending compassion for, and hearing them share the things that are almost too scary to share with even themselves, that the magic happens. We get so caught up in our heads about what is a “right” or “wrong” thought, about judging what we think, what we do, and what we’ve done, that we miss the opportunities to extend ourselves love, grace, understanding, and acceptance. That’s the work we do. We work on removing the judgment and shame from things (internally), getting curious about why we do things or think the way we do, then deciding whether that’s something that aligns with who we authentically are and what our long-term goals are, that keeps us in our integrity. Our time and energy goes into acceptance, building awareness, while also knowing that we have the right and the POWER to choose differently – AT. ANY. TIME.
It’s as if we’ve convinced ourselves (or maybe society/media has convinced us) that we need to do more, we need to fix ourselves, we need to fix others, and we’ve forgotten to reinforce ourselves as individuals in a way that we can respect ourselves and our own decisions (I mean, when you think about it – how many of your decisions truly feel like they are yours and yours alone). We’ve become so accustomed to fitting in that we’ve lost touch with recognizing and celebrating what sets us apart as individuals, what makes us special (because you ARE special), and recognizing what unique “super-powers” we have, that we can use to make this world a better place. Each of us deserves to shine, to embrace who we are as individuals, and that’s something I hope I can shift through my work.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
When it comes to things that were/are impactful in my journey, things that also happen to be essential in the coaching I extend to women, I can think of 3 common threads – 1) Authenticity, 2) Grounded Confidence, 3) Autonomy.
It was simultaneously my ability to lean into these 3 areas, and the importance of how they molded me that makes me so passionate about connecting other women with these same pieces of themselves. Because what’s more important than living truly, freely, as you are? And once again recognizing you can have ownership over your thoughts, decisions, and actions. Which, if acted on, in turn builds the grounded confidence that brings a deeper level of belonging (to yourself).
It’s so easy to fall into the belief that something is “wrong” with us, or that we’re the only one’s experiencing the negative affect of something. We fall into this spiral of dialogue that somehow we should have known better, should have seen it coming, should have avoided it, and are completely are utterly responsible for every dynamic leading to “this” point. I mean, when we say it like that, how ridiculous does it sound (and how many of you can relate)?
It can be hard as hell to stay in tune with, committed to, and trust in ourselves when we’re constantly bombarded with information and opinions on who we “should” be, what we “should” do, how we “should” live. And maybe it feels safer to do things like we’ve been told to, or how we’ve learned to (sometimes blindly), or in a way that feels less threatening. But is that really serving us? How much happiness is that connecting us to? How much self- respect does that leave us with? How challenged are we (and I’m talking the best types of challenge – challenge that holds us accountable and stretches us into the best versions of ourselves)?
How long does it take, in doing things the way everyone else thinks we should, before wake up long enough to realize that we’re resentful, unmotivated, and self-deprecating? That somewhere along the way we’ve slowly given away our power and compromised pieces of ourselves, and now we’re left standing with a shell that barely resembles the beautiful and unique souls we are?
And yet – It’s not too late. It’s never too late to make different choices, to do things differently, to reconnect with the things that truly matter to you. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. You will second-guess. You will want to double back. You will crave the familiar. With time and effort you’ll be able to hold yourself accountable for navigating things on your own terms. And you’ll learn to trust yourself again. And trust the process of becoming fully and completely yourself.
What would you advise – going all in on your strengths or investing on areas where you aren’t as strong to be more well-rounded?
When it comes to leaning into strengths, or focusing on the effort to improve aspects of ourselves that aren’t as the same level as our strengths, I think both are equally important. Our strengths are those things for a reason. They’re like the pillars of who we are. I don’t think it makes sense to ignore those strengths any more than it makes sense to blindly cling to them while ignoring other aspects of ourselves.
And I think it deserves saying that putting in an effort to improve aspects of ourselves can be a tricky line to dance with. Mostly because we can easily get caught up in the mindset and approach that we need to “fix” something about ourselves vs. accepting who we are and taking intentional action to love, accept, AND change. What’s the key differentiator? I’d say it’s the inner criticism or ourselves that can be most damaging. Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t think that inner critic ever goes away completely (the critic, the perfectionist, the control freak). I do think that you can diminish the weight you give to the dialogue they voice, and THAT is what paves the way (once again) for that inner knowing, that self trust, that grounded confidence.
I can’t speak for anyone else here, but throughout my lifetime, and especially over the last 15 years, I’ve had this shift into becoming more of my truest self, a majority of which was inspired by making positive, intentional changes in my thoughts and behaviors. So much of that groundwork that I laid paved the way for this more authentic way of being AND I feel myself softening now, in a way. I still can’t put it all completely into words, but it’s like this combination of an even deeper acceptance (of myself, the way things are, the unknown things to be), where I can feel my mind and emotions letting go of what we thought we needed to do, to accomplish, to be, because of this realization that 1) we’ve laid a ton of amazing groundwork, 2) a million things are in play, all affecting even the smallest outcomes, 3) there’s so much more beyond what I can see or control that there’s no need to exhaust myself trying to play the puppet master of my own life. More trust. More knowing. More accepting. More faith. More believing. More sinking into my own heart, mind, and skin, and getting really, really comfortable there (and not the “familiar” kind of comfort that keeps us stuck).
I’ve changed 1,000 things about myself for the better AND there will always be more I will change. Part of that’s my hyper-awareness of self. Part of it’s the access to information we have. Part of it’s my deep seeded curiosity about who we are and why we do what we do. I don’t think I’ll ever be in a place where there won’t be something about myself I want to improve AND I accept myself as I am right now. Without judgment. Without criticism. Without the powerless feeling of “I can’t change this”. And it’s those things, that approach, that speaks to my strengths.
Each of us have a unique set of strengths – whether because that’s who we are naturally, or we’ve done the work, or lived the experience that shaped us. And each of us will prioritize and pursue improvement in different ways and for different reasons across our lifetime. There’s no right or wrong approach. There’s no right or wrong answer. What’s important to YOU? What’s worth it to YOU? Who do YOU want to be? Those are the questions that guide us closer to where we focus our efforts.
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Image Credits
📸: Phrené Hoeksema, Elise Kutt, Brianna Eslinger
