Meet Nicholas Maio-Aether

We were lucky to catch up with Nicholas Maio-Aether recently and have shared our conversation below.

Nicholas, so great to be with you and I think a lot of folks are going to benefit from hearing your story and lessons and wisdom. Imposter Syndrome is something that we know how words to describe, but it’s something that has held people back forever and so we’re really interested to hear about your story and how you overcame imposter syndrome.
Does one ever truly overcome this? I jest. On a more serious note, I will state that going into the mental health arena with a focus on s*xual and socios*xual behavior, I was very nervous. Initially, I also felt very alone; I was surrounded by peers who wanted to work with kids, or help adults learn budgeting skills, etc., and it seemed like no one else was focusing on s*x, particularly in the field of Behavior Analysis. I found a few articles that showed me I wasn’t alone, and that gave me some confidence and footing. I began doing what I knew to be right, applying scientific evidence into effective, affirming and empowering s*xual and socios*xual treatments, even though I was looked at as “that s*x guy”. Eventually, I felt very comfortable in this role, but then it expanded — I became an International Consultant and Subject Matter Expert (SME) in s*xual and socios*xual behaviors and am credited with helping develop the growing subfield of S*xual Behavior Analysis (SBA). This was initially jarring; I didn’t consider myself an expert, per se. I have found that, in doing this work, I do hold knowledge others don’t, and that has been helpful in finding my footing. But most important, I truly believe, is that I don’t stop at that point — I keep going, keep learning, keep striving to be better. Not because I feel I am an imposter, but because competency is a value that must be lived, ongoing, and I must earn my right to remain in my role.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
Regarding what I do, I wear many hats. In my role as Agency Owner, I have to ensure the flow of business is smooth and that all legalities and financial obligations are met/followed. As Clinical Director of a national Telehealth agency, I work to coordinate my staff with one another, with stakeholders, and with outside relevant resources. As a Trainer — I am Co-Director of an International training program, the “Certified Behavioral S*xologist (CBS)” — I meet with clinicians all over the US and Canada, and I work to assist them with their various cases and client needs, providing advice and resources, assisting with assessments, and helping develop affirming, non-restrictive treatments.

I also see my own clients in my role as a clinician, although I have few these days, due to my other roles. I work with neurotypical and neurodiverse couples and individuals, and I offer a very affirming, values-based therapy that is often short-term (12-16 sessions), to work on things ranging from infidelity to s*xual avoidance to having better s*x in general.

What I love about what I do is when I see 1 of 2 things: the presence of/fostering of hope; desired outcomes. When a client’s needs are met, I feel like I have done my job well, and I can sleep well that night knowing someone’s life has been positively impacted by the work I am doing.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
I would say the first skill one must have is one of leaning on values, rather than getting caught up in goals. Life happens between the things we plan, and if things prevent us from hitting goals, we fall into defeat or frustration, and are apt to be anxious about other goals. If we live a life of values, which inform goals, we will likely get goals met along the way, but regardless, we can be proud of how we are living in any given moment — that we are making the most of whatever we’ve been handed.

A second vital skill is letting things go. If it happened 2 seconds ago, it’s in the past. Nothing that can be done about it now, so make the most of the present. We often carry upsets with us through the day, and are ineffective at work or act unkind toward others, when we don’t have to. The stimulus that brought the upset isn’t present, so it doesn’t need to continue to have power in the present. That also means the present doesn’t often need to be spent trying to solve, fix or prevent the past from repeating or impacting the future. Solving/fixing/planning is setting goals, and those lead to further upsets when life gets in the way.

A third crucial skill is remaining open to new information. Don’t form beliefs; they are rigid and prevent us from accepting new information that could be helpful. Ideas are safer — they are informed, but can also continue to be shaped and informed over time. Science is never set; new information must be incorporated into a growing framework of flexible understanding so individuals can continue to grow in their connection to, and ability to harness, the world around all of us.

To close, maybe we can chat about your parents and what they did that was particularly impactful for you?
Growing up as an Autistic queer teen, I am sure I wasn’t the easiest on my parents, but they definitely tried their best. What I will note is that, while they made mistakes — and every parent does, they were not malicious or intentional with any harms I perceived. Rather than continue making any mistake they had made, upon seeing it as a mistake, my parents demonstrated incredible flexibility and resilience, always changing their approach based in feedback from myself, or from community members. Initially, these community members were from their own communities, but my parents quickly learned to listen to the voices of my communities, and this changed their approach immensely.

If there’s one thing my parents learned and applied that I feel was highly beneficial, it would be that, once they had learned the importance of this, they allowed me to come into my own and to explore the world — but with them having my back. I could go places and experience things, and I could also always come back home and share openly, without fear of additional consequences beyond whatever I was naturally facing. They helped me think things through and offered advice, but they never made a choice for me or forced me to act as they would have. I can honestly say that, even at 37 years old, I still come to them at least once a week to discuss things, think things over, reset myself with the knowledge that I am never truly alone in my efforts.

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