We recently connected with Theresa Stroll and have shared our conversation below.
Theresa, we are so appreciative of you taking the time to open up about the extremely important, albeit personal, topic of mental health. Can you talk to us about your journey and how you were able to overcome the challenges related to mental issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
Early 2022, I went through an event that forced me to take a hard look at my life, face truths I’d avoided, and take responsibility for the chaos I caused for myself. Prior to this event, most of my coping skills were unconscious, maladaptive, and disempowering. It had been easier to blame others for my problems, instead of taking responsibility for what I could control and/or accepting what I couldn’t. I’d gotten to a point where my way of living had become unsustainable and change needed to occur or I was not going to survive.
Through the pandemic and ending of a nine year relationship, I’d become self-isolated and felt completely alone. While I wasn’t aware of it at the time, I see now I’ve long been afraid of meaningfully connecting with others. Out of hopelessness and desperation, I added group therapy to my 1:1 sessions. When I started hearing my words out of the mouths of other people, I realized the difference between hearing someone and listening to them. Finally, I realized I wasn’t alone (I’d always thought that was something people just said without really meaning those words). Despite a long-held belief, other people actually could relate to my experience–even if the details on the surface were different, the underlying feelings of pain, fear, and grief were similar, if not the same.
In the months following the early 2022 event, I cycled through periods of anger, denial, fear, resentment, depression, grief, and surrender as I confronted what I’d pushed away for decades. I questioned and challenged everything–what is my reason for living? Why do I exist? Who am I?
Considering new possibilities with an open mind, I allowed myself to explore my authentic expression and identity. As a result of accepting new truths about myself, I found a handful of authentic, compassionate, empathic, and conscious individuals who truly cared about my needs and didn’t make me feel badly or ashamed for having big feels. They didn’t judge or criticize me but supported and respected me and encouraged boundaries as necessary self-love and -preservation. I felt wholly loved and accepted exactly as I am and that was enough for them. That kind of love has been life-altering. Within the safety of this love, I’ve grown more resilient, conscious, and courageous. I’m doing things I once feared, I’m less blocked creatively, I’m happier now than I ever was before my life fell apart.
So how did I overcome or persist despite challenges related to my mental health issues? I stopped trying to do life alone. I took steps towards being vulnerable. I opened up and spoke out instead of stewing in my emotions, resisting feeling, pushing through where I was burnt out, or trying to seem like I had all the answers. We’re an interdependent society and we need each other–and our differences– in order to survive. I listened to the wisdom other people had to offer and learned more about life than my previously limited perspective could allow. I was unknowingly hurting myself being closed off to connection and the wisdom of other people.
Until 2022, I hadn’t really questioned what I was taught, how I was raised, or the messages I’d received growing up–a bit of Stockholm Syndrome, if you will. I believed I was inherently wrong and broken beyond repair. Now, I understand those were stories I created out of self-preservation when I didn’t have another way. Lately, I’m asking myself, who am I without the stories I tell myself about myself? For decades I believed, “I can’t do X because Y, Z, etc…” I felt stuck, hopeless, and disempowered. I thought I was accepting reality. Now, I see the reality I wasn’t accepting was that I can do things I thought I couldn’t. I needed to discover what I believed and to live by those values–not what I was told to value or believe.
Learning and developing new skills were vital to my success. Learning to become aware of my thoughts and recognizing who I am as separate from my abilities, behaviors, thoughts, and actions. I am the awareness of my experience.
In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) I learned to make pros/cons lists in a way I hadn’t previously considered. In the thick of it, to create space between my thoughts and awareness, I’d ask myself, “what would happen if I put this feeling down for a moment? And what would happen if I didn’t?” My therapist has said, “you can’t think your way out of a trauma response, but you can intervene.” With some distance, I could choose how to respond to my triggers instead of being ruled by them. By learning how to notice my breath, for example, I became my own safe house.
Acceptance is a pathway towards a reduction and possible dissipation of suffering. I may not be able to choose what triggers me but I can turn to other effective coping skills for intervention. Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to like/agree with something. Acceptance could look like, “this is how I feel right now and it’s okay to feel this way. Having these feelings doesn’t say anything about who I am except that I am a human person.”
These skills can be learned and strengthen with practice. When we were children, reading was hard until it got easier. Writing was hard until it got easier. These skills didn’t change, we became more experienced.
I noticed a pattern after months of turbulent waters: the waves never fully flatten and calm, I just get better at surfing. I will rise and I will fall and I know how to swim–both literally and metaphorically.
A friend recently pointed out that a sign of mental well-being is the ability to hold two seemingly opposing truths in the same space: I could feel small and vulnerable while also feeling big and powerful. I could feel scared and also know no matter what happens, I now know how to care for myself should those fears come to fruition. Life isn’t black-and-white, as I once thought, but a whole spectrum of color.
This past year, I’ve felt like I’m drifting through uncharted territory with no ability to go back because what I’ve left behind no longer exists. There is nothing to go back to. On this side of healing, I’m glad I left what I knew so I could see how much better life can be, even if it comes with it’s own, newer fears. I’m capable of managing every challenge I face because I’ve proven to myself time and again that I can and do overcome eventually.
When I’ve been challenged, I didn’t give up when my comfort zone was repeatedly punctured. I’ve accepted the challenge–even when it felt unbearable, even with a lot of resistance. Often, I experienced resistance because an old part of me wanted to stay the same and a newer part wanted to grow. Understandably so–change is scary! I know now that even if growth is hard, I can do hard things.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I’m currently working on an album exploring mental health themes like depression, self-discovery, dissociation, and healing. I’ve noticed a lot of popular songs romanticize dysfunctional behaviors, I think playing into emotional reasoning–feeling emotions so strongly that one assumes they are objective truths. I strive to create content that’s mindful of it’s impact to the best of my ability. In one of my recent songs, I wrote, “if I am my words and actions, I see why I’m a lonely man.” It goes further into detail about pushing people away while wanting to be close, how that act of pushing away can manifest in behaviors not aligned with one’s true wants or needs, and the consequences that result from those self-protective defense mechanisms. I anticipate the album release sometime in 2024. I’m also working on a new musical also related to healing, though that project is still cooking. In the meantime, I’m working on improving areas in which I’ve needed/wanted to grow but had previously been so blocked, I couldn’t confront those hurdles until now. It’s exciting to revisit things that once scared me–I’m finding they’re not as scary or overwhelming as I once believed them to be.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
– Self-awareness. That’s self-analysis and self-reflection without judgment. I once conflated self-consciousness with self-awareness, believing I was “too self-aware,” when really, I was outside of myself, judging how I projected onto others how I might be perceived and tried to change my behaviors to potentially evade judgment from others as a result. – Self-compassion. A concept that seemed thousands of miles away from me at one point in my journey, I now see as necessary for sustainable survival. Self-compassion requires, I believe, speaking to oneself like they would to someone or something they love dearly, like a good friend, a child, an animal, etc. Self-compassion also requires looking inward–if we deny ourselves something we really want in life, like living authentically or loving who we love, we can fall into the trap of thinking, “well, I agreed to believe and follow these rules, therefore, everyone else should follow them, too.” This is relevant to self-compassion because without allowing oneself the freedom to be who they are, to love who they love, that self-denial can turn into resentment and bitterness. Other people are mirrors of ourselves–what we hate and what we love in others is something we hate or love in ourselves, whether we’re aware of it or not.
– Open, honest, and willing. A phrasing common in twelve-step circles, in order for one to change, they need to be willing to be honest with themselves and remain open. Often, when we’re afraid or confronted with information that challenges our current world-view, we can become closed off to new ideas and information. Take the current attacks on Trans Rights. The folks eager to maintain the archaic gender binary are so afraid of new (to their Anglo-centric perspective) information because, unconsciously, challenging their world-view would require them to rethink how they see other people, the world, and themselves. That information is too scary for them, so naturally, out of their internalized dysfunction, resist evolving. They’re closed off instead of remaining open that maybe the information they were taught is no longer relevant, that the information has been flawed for centuries and has primarily been taught through that Anglo-centric patriarchal perspective by those who were too afraid to question what they were taught. If those people were willing to be honest with themselves about their fears and limited perspectives, they would have a world of possibility open up for them. It’s not inherently a bad thing to have a limited perspective–as long as they remain open with curiosity instead of judgment. It becomes unhealthy when one doubles down on that limited perspective and attempts to control or threaten others using that perspective in a misguided belief that if everyone would just do what they say, somehow peace will be established. Peace comes from accepting that multiple perspectives are valid–as long as they’re not causing harm to others.
Without willing openness, none of the above skills are possible. Without willing openness, there’s just being stuck. And that state of being is miserable.
Okay, so before we go, is there anyone you’d like to shoutout for the role they’ve played in helping you develop the essential skills or overcome challenges along the way?
– My therapist, Beth Tafuri, who has been a stable, patient, compassionate, kind, and a safe space to heal for the past two years. She’s taught me effective coping skills to replace my disempowering ones, enabling me to achieve sobriety. – My friend, Jordan, for their curiosity, challenging me, sharing their hard-won wisdom, accepting me exactly how I am, introducing me to Zen Buddhism, earnestly caring about what I have to say, and being cool with inviting me to stay over for a few weeks and then being okay that I never left!
– My non-binary community, for their genuine love, support, and so generously welcoming me into their hearts. I’ve been pleasantly shocked by how kind people can be out of their own compassion and generosity.
– My Zendo, for sharing wisdom and providing group meditation which, through the safety of sangha (Buddhist community), has been instrumental in learning how to sit with myself, in silence, without running away.
– My friends, Cynthia and Jess, whose weekly calls and emotionally honest conversations have been deeply cathartic and transformative.
– Myself, for persisting despite my own attempts to hold myself back and seeking growth instead of contraction.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theresastroll/
Image Credits
Matt Kamimura Photography Adam Emperor Southard Sammy Balleto Photography
