We recently connected with Shana Francesca and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Shana, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
I was born into an abusive household and raised inside of an Evangelical Christian cult. Confidence was not something I was allowed to have, in many ways it was both with words and with actions, beaten out of me for a very long time. I was socialized to defer to someone else, that I belonged to and was beholden to others, my father, the church, anyone in authority over me. It was their responsibility to make the decisions and mine to obey, the cost was none of my concern but always mine to bare. I was taught to override, ignore, and to never trust my intuition. Building confidence took time, ,I have plenty of it now and at the same time I continue to build it in a variety of aspects of my life and work.
First, I had to give myself permission. Well, maybe even before that, I think I had to realize I didn’t require anyone’s permission but my own. My life choices requiring someone else’s approval had always been a lie, a well-crafted lie to control me. I had to let go of the idea that I needed to be controlled and that I was unable to trust myself. I also had to let go of the idea that making mistakes was proof I could not be trusted.
I took time to surround myself with people who saw something in me that I could not yet see, and who valued my opinions and insights. Being in community with, being in relationships based on reciprocity instead of exploitation, opened my eyes to a whole world of possibility in the ways I could exist in the world. In the presence of those amazing women who helped me to explore the world of possible existence for myself within a circle of safety, I was able to find my footing in the world. Part of that circle of safety was accountability, challenging me and my ways of being, was showing me where they saw I could go deeper. in many ways by them simply being. They were mirrors and reflections of a world I had never known and they provided a safe way for me to learn and grow. They became necessary teachers for me.
This is part of the reason that I don’t think that self-esteem is found in our singular existence but rather in acknowledgment that we exist as part of a collective and knowing the importance of our part in it, while also acknowledging everyone else’s part. It is in community that we find and realize our power. Ego is what we find when we refuse to acknowledge the part others have to play in our lives and deny the importance of our role inside of an interdependent ecosystem that is the very seat of ALL life. Ego is death of our humanity, self-esteem is honoring life.
So my practices around self-esteem very much include spending time in authentic community, fostering and honoring myself as part of the collective and knowing I cannot and will not succeed on my own and that I have nothing to prove, I am valuable simple because I am. And because I honor the collective I contribute in ways that align with my talents, abilities and resources consistently. The practice for me is in showing up and continuing to do so while making space for learning and growth and change.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
Having grown up in a way, that I was forced to experience deeply unethical and exploitative leadership in all aspects of my life, it is no wonder that I decided to study what intentional and ethical leadership could be, what it looks like, and what it creates inside an organization and inside of our lives. It is why I passionately began this research at 29, 3 years after leaving the cult I grew up in and leaving my family home. My research continues to this day more than 10 years later.
As I began deconstructing the harmful beliefs I had grown up with and healing, I began to see reflections of the leadership I had grown up with, in the world at large and inside of corporate America. Cult like environments and authoritarian style leadership that was killing off creativity, innovation and profitability because it was requiring people to show up inside of strict definitions and in many ways they were being seen as and treated as a means for work to be performed not a fully autonomous human being with beautiful ways to contribute. I could see the inherent harm in it for everyone involved, I knew what it lead to, what culture it created and what it killed, I had lived it in one of its most extreme forms.
Part of me trying to escape the world I grew up in was going to college, I was not allowed to live on campus or attend a secular college…accept what I wanted to go to school for was not available at any Evangelical Christian College anywhere in the tri-state area and so I decided to go to school for Interior Design.
My philosophy was based on my own experience, that interior environments are the stages from which we tell the story of our life, not in a performative way but in the way that a stage set supports the actors in the story they are telling, sets a mood, sets a tone and ushers the viewer in, to become a part of the story. It is a type of community-building tool. In a play, those who perform it and those who witness it are locked in a symbiotic relationship. Anyone who has done any acting on the stage will tell you the audience are NOT just viewers they bring their whole selves to that moment and they are a part of the experience for everyone involved. This is the same for our lives.
I would sit down with each client and learn who they are, what experiences helped define their lives, where they have traveled, if they have meaningful art or items or furniture that has a story and one that we want to honor and incorporate. In many ways I saw myself as a mirror, I was going to craft an environment based on how I saw them and how I knew they wanted to be able to show up in the world. I was going to craft their physical environment as a vision board for their life.
I loved my work but at some point I realized the power of the discussions I was having with clients and that they went far beyond the physical environment. Many of my clients were business owners or very well accomplished and respected professionals and they encouraged me to do more with the conversation part of my work. I already was, I just didn’t see it. I had been leading group coaching for a small group of people who were business owners and entrepreneurs for two and half years and worked with over 100 people and there was a waiting list but I still struggled to allow myself to move on to new mediums to let the speaking, consulting and facilitating, take up more space in my business. I didn’t allow myself to realize the value in it, that it was a much better medium for my work.
I had for years been asked to do speaking engagements and guest lectures but again thought I would always have Interior Design as the center of my work. Until, I didn’t, until I realized the medium of Interior Design could no longer hold the weight of my work and I needed to dive in, in larger ways, embrace using my voice to larger audiences.
I had always been someone that people turned to for wisdom and advice and my knowledge and unique perspective on leadership seemed to be a missing part of the overall leadership conversation. Then I thought about organizations like IDEO that have been incorporating interiors, branding and consulting for years and years and it all clicked for me.
I love being on the stage, I love my keynotes they are amazing. I love facilitating workshops and the conversations and discussions that lead to fundamental change inside organizations that leads ultimately to more intentionally fostered cultures, which lowers turn over and empowers innovation and profitability. I love consulting and being a sounding board for leadership teams when outside perspectives are needed to expand possibilities. I love consulting on interiors and being a part of setting the tone for culture through authentic representations of brands or as I still do residential as well, empowering someone’s life and cultivation of community for themselves. In short I love my work and my clients.
I also offer several of my workshops virtually throughout the year, through my website in condensed formats for entrepreneurs and small business owners. I believe wholeheartedly in the democratization of information and so create a variety of access points to my work. I am adding a few more workshops to the virtual offering over the next few months so be sure to subscribe to my email list to stay up to date.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
Curiosity, respect, and accountability. The combination of the three is the root of all ethical relationships. Cultivating curiosity specifically is what helped me to leave the harmful environments I grew up in and discover what my boundaries were. Respect for myself and others empowered me to hold those boundaries and remove myself from the harmful environments that would keep me from living a life of my choosing. Accountability helped me to learn to sit with and take responsibility for the impact of my actions on the people and living beings affected and then get curious and learn what I needed, to do better moving forward. And the cycle starts all over again.
These three principles not only transformed my life but transform the lives of the people I work with every day. Learning how to foster them in our lives is a lifelong skill that requires consistent practice. So my advice, start with curiosity and be sure to remember that curiosity without respect is intrusive, and respect without curiosity is uneducated and without taking responsibility for the impact of our actions, it isn’t an ethical relationship it is instead exploitation and/or abuse.
In my work, I define it simply, this way: Intentional & Ethical Leadership & Living = (Be Curious + Be Respectful) * Practicing Accountability
Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?
I am definitely going to list more than one book here. I have reading lists that I share with each and every one of my workshops because I am so passionate about the mentors I have gathered through books. Mia Birdsongs “How We Show Up” is an incredible book that empowers us to expand our perspective on how we foster community and authentic relationship. Everything Malcolm Gladwell ever wrote. James Baldwin’s “The Fire Next Time” and bell hooks “The Will to Change”, Robin Wall Kimmerer’s “Braiding Sweetgrass” and Rebel Talent by Francesca Gino. I also love “Setting The Table” by Danny Meyer and “Creativity Inc.” by Ed Catmul.
I guess what I am getting at is I read, a lot and each book changes me. Each one expands my perspective on the world and the words live inside me, they become a part of my being and help to inform the way I show up in the world.
“Don’t just read books, let books read you” – Lavar Burton
I cannot begin to list all of the books that have changed me and made me who I am today as I read somewhere between 20-200 books in any given year but at the root, reading has changed my life. Reading gives us access to stories of the lived experience of a wide variety of people which helps to expand our understanding and challenge our ways of being in necessary ways. In ways that lead us to deeper connection in the world and ultimately leads to more joy, through deeper connection.
I will leave you with a quote that sits above my desk and reminds me every day their is another layer of me that can be opened through expanded connection to the world.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.concinnate.world/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/concinnate.world/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shana-francesca-she-her-36b79217/
- Twitter: N/A
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAFmDzdt3-CutdjGR8NNIxg
Image Credits
Main Headshot Jaime Dunek Additional Photos Kseniya Berson
