We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Dr. Sarah Milken. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Dr. Sarah below.
Dr. Sarah, so good to have you with us today. We’ve always been impressed with folks who have a very clear sense of purpose and so maybe we can jump right in and talk about how you found your purpose?
When I hit 45, I was struggling with a severe case of the “midlife itchies.” I was on what I call the “hamster wheel of sameness”—while I had been a stay-at-home mom with a dusty Ph.D., my kids were turning 14 and 16 and needed less of my time. My husband was nourished in his career. And every day was Groundhog Day. I wondered if this was f*cking ‘it’ for me? I adored my husband and teens, but needed something to call my own that wasn’t a new purse (although nice) and 32 school emails with forms.
No one was coming to save me. Self-reinvention was my responsibility. I had to do it myself. Self-responsibility was—and remains—key. I had to wake up every day and take my golden sh*t shovel—my literal and metaphorical tool of choice—to dig through the layers of sh*t in my life to get to a second act that is as meaningful & fab & flowy as my first act was (except carpool). I chose to start a podcast that would normalize and inspire other women in the trenches of midlife feel less alone, bringing my irreverent, sassy style to topics from the midlife vagina to teen parenting tips.
First thing was first: I had to dust off my Ph.D. in educational psychology. Start small. Enlist “Teen Son and Husband” for tech help. Kinda scary. It’s okay to be scared; I was and still am. But I kept going. Any time I would not want to take the next step, I repeated this mini-mantra to myself: “Quiet the inner mean girl and carpool mom voices. Be willing to learn on the go. Keep going, even through the midlife boob sweat.”
Midlife flexes don’t have to be Fortune 500 companies. Some women will start companies, other women will write a book, other women start pickleball and mahjong, some start volunteering. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as you want to get out of bed for it in the morning. We make our kids try new things, yet we don’t put the same expectations onto ourselves. We all crave novelty.
I had to come to terms with the fact that I will never be “ready”. I didn’t need another degree. Nothing is perfect. We can’t wait for perfection. It’s a myth. I could start messy. I sure as hell made my kids try new things they hated at first. No one wants to be a beginner.
I could start small. Starting small was creating an Instagram account as a complete social media virgin. Starting small was recording my first podcast with only “Husband” as a guaranteed listener. It didn’t matter. Oh, and my parents. I realized I found the thing that made ME want to wake up for MYSELF in the morning, and kept doing it. Day after day after day. It doesn’t mean that I feel like a motivated million bucks everyday doing it, along with some of the physical and psychological “midlife ugh’s”, like under boob sweat and thinning hair. Oh, and the search for the libido persists.
And, now I can proudly say that I not only have a top 1% rated podcast — but a podcast I am super proud of (because in midlife, self-obsession is approved!). My podcast aims to cull together the very best wisdom, insights, tools, and hacks to help women scratch their own “midlife itchies”. The journey is deep, messy, sexy, sassy, irreverent—but more than anything, it’s raw. I put myself on the line every episode to dig deep, sharing moments from my own midlife mess in order to both put listeners at ease (omg! “me too” relatability”) and offer the ‘ahas’ and hard-earned wisdom that I’ve collected along the way. In talking through everything from my vagina to my libido to my midlife muffin top, my listeners describe me as ‘wickedly smart,’ ‘irreverent,’ ‘edgy,’ and so relatable that you might just think I am your real BFF. While Husband, Teen Son and Teen Daughter call it TMI, I think TMI is the only way to go through midlife. If not now, when?
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I chose to start a podcast that would normalize and inspire other women in the trenches of midlife to feel less alone. I didn’t want to view this time in my life as a “midlife crisis”, having an affair with the proverbial country club tennis coach (even though I don’t even fckn’ play tennis). I wanted this to be a “midlife remix”.
With my golden shit shovel, I help women dig for their “create yourself energy” for the second half of life. What is a Golden Shit Shovel, you might ask? It’s a sparkly tool, commonly used by women for self-re-creation, finding purpose; raising teens; and digging through complicated layers in their lives. And why is the shovel golden? My shovel has to be golden and sparkly. I am the “extra” kind of girl who wears a full face of makeup – even for morning carpool. Duh! Your shovel might look different, but it’s doing the same job. And, also remember to STFU, your choices for Botox or no Botox are irrelevant. We’re done with judging other women for their choices. We only focus on our own. High school is over, b*tches. We don’t all need to sit at the “cool table”. We can create our own “cool tables”, our versions of our own “midlife tables”. Get your shovel and get ready to dig. You’ll need one to do the “midlife work”.
The Flexible Neurotic Podcast helps listeners find their own cure for the “midlife itchies”–from frumpy and lumpy to fab and flowy; inspiring and normalizing all your midlife shit to help you evolve into your ideal newly rebranded midlife self…with some expected and unexpected “midlife ugh’s” along the way. Some women will start hobbies or take up old passions, become Mahjong experts or fierce pickleball tournament warriors. Other women will start small businesses, write books or become masters of their own personal expansion. What if when someone asks, “what do you do?” You could answer, “I am working on me”, no judgment included.
In the two years since launching The Flexible Neurotic, I’ve garnered almost a million downloads, a 4.9/5 rating on Apple Podcasts with over 300 reviews (one crabby follower said that I interrupted my guest too much and tarnished my 5 stars, lol!) and 53.9K Instagram followers, with high consumer engagement (over 100 comments per post!). I’m even in the top 1% of podcasts on Listen Notes. Some listeners of my podcast and IG followers say that listening to me is life listening to the midlife version of Carrie Bradshaw on Sex in The City. Don’t we all need a “midlife bff”? I do! That’s why I became what I needed.
And as we came out of the pandemic, I started transforming those online connections into IRL ones. In addition to my podcast, I’ve also launched and hosted various other Flexible Neurotic Events. This past August, after dropping off my first born at college, I was feeling all the feels of being a ½ empty nester! As my kids have gotten older, my role as a mom has started to look different. I went from “THE MANAGER” to “CONSULTANT!” I was trying to convince myself that I did a “good job” of raising an independent son. At our mom/son date night I asked Teen Son, “Will you miss us?” He honestly replied, “No, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.” The bitter-sweet dagger to the heart… OMG! In between the tears and the cookies, I was trying to figure out what was next for me, struggling to claim my new space in midlife, wanted more meaning, feeling a bit invisible, and was yearning for connection with like-minded women – so I created a LET’S TALK MIDLIFE virtual workshop. It was the perfect way to continue the convos I started at my first live event last year, my MIDLIFE BABY SHOWER.
I posted an IG post about having a midlife baby shower and not celebrating our kids but celebrating ourselves in the next stage of life. So many women responded, and I asked myself if this was in fact a real possibility. Could I host a real-life baby shower and have women join me in this ceremonial day? The answer was yes! The women who said yes to investing in themselves came and all of the women who couldn’t come sent magical support energy for manifestation of something midlife women are craving: connection, novelty and meaning. At the Midlife Baby Shower, we didn’t bring diapers, we brought tissues, wine and a vision board to take care of ourselves and our midlife journey. We didn’t play baby shower games, we figured out our next steps and scratched our “midlife itchies” with the “midlife remix”. Like-vibed women from all over the country – and even one from the UK! – came and it was rad.
As I continue creating episodes for The Flexible Neurotic, I hope to create more opportunities for women around the world to get out of the proverbial midlife waiting room. You know what I’m talking about – this is the place where we sit on our sofas scrolling IG, feeling the muffin top, holding in hormonal thoughts, thinking about going for a walk, or starting a meditation. You screenshot things on your phone hoping that it will somehow serve as a vision board to remind you to eat more protein, find a passion… I know! Me too! Sitting in the “midlife waiting room” waiting to be chosen will be a long wait… waiting for someone to choose us, to validate our worthiness, to whisk us away from the hamster wheel of our lives. I’ve got news for you that I think we all know in our hearts… no one is coming to save us. It’s up to us to choose ourselves. OMG! I know. It is so much work to get “unbored.” But once you start digging and scratching, you won’t feel those “midlife itchies” anymore. What’s better: you’ll create the second half of life that YOU want to be living—one that’s HOT AF!
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
I think the biggest challenge was getting started. As a midlife woman, it was hard for me and most of us to “start small”. Who wants to be entry-level again? Didn’t we already do that in our lives? How could I start a podcast and IG from scratch, no followers, no listeners, #brandnew. Creating this podcast and Instagram has been hard in every way but so meaningful. I muted my self-doubt…the inner b*tch that says “you can’t do that, how embarrassing” and the external peanut gallery with high school lunch table vibes of “you aren’t cool enough to do this publicly”. There are so many people who want to start something new, but they let their self-doubt, fear of failure or imposter syndrome stop them from even trying. I was one of those people. I thought, “Who am I to do this?”, but I decided to “be scared and do it anyway”… It’s always hard to take that first step… At times, it felt like running through the mall naked. You know people are watching and listening and you wonder if they are judging. I want people to know that my seemingly polished brand of The Flexible Neurotic is not polished. There is a lot of mess behind the scenes. I have no social media or podcast experience. I am running on gut, intuition, passion and intelligence & some sweat on the side… seeing what sticks.
When I started Instagram, I really did start from zero, but I learned along the way. I hadn’t even had a personal IG account or Facebook. I was social media illiterate. I want people to know that what we see on IG doesn’t always show the whole story. This is why in every episode of my podcast, I am sharing my own vulnerabilities and stories of my self-recreation journey. I talk about my teenagers, my husband and my parents. I am a real person going through all the same things you are! I think people should also know that they can ask for help. When I first started this journey, I worked with a life coach to help conceptualize my internal thought process and break down my goals. Life coaches don’t tell you what to do. They help you sift through your ideas and figure out what your next “best step” will be. My husband, two teenagers and a virtual assistant help me fill in on my technological gaps. You don’t have to do it all yourself! This has been a big takeaway from this journey, the willingness to “learn on the go”. Another lesson learned in this “midlife remix” of mine is that we might not be able to choose our hormone status of the day, but there are things we can control. You can choose to stick with the “usual stuckness”, the comfort zone, the hamster wheel of sameness or you can choose the other road…the road of liberation, trying new things and engaging in life in new ways…these choices might involve change or personal risk…slightly uncomfortable.
Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?
Any time I’m in the feels of “OMG! WTF am I doing?” or I’m forcing myself to do another round of exercise with what I call my “dumb weights” (they aren’t dumb, and I know it, but I fckn’ hate working out!) or Teen Daughter needs something and the dog is barking and I have an episode to record, I’ll take a minute to look at the golden box that my daughter got me for my 45th birthday.
Inspired by a post on Pinterest, she had created a box filled with notes from everyone in my life, from my BFFs to my parents to the family dog, all responding to the question: ‘What are three things you love about Sarah Milken?’ The responses I got—the sassy nerd friend; the go-to information curator who tells it like it is—were what inspired me to start ‘The Flexible Neurotic’ podcast. The box stands as a reminder to never give up on myself, no matter the sh*t I’m going through on any particular day. And, of course some tissues for the intermittent crying that is happening since my first born has gone off to college. I encourage everyone to get their version of a golden box – the reminder you need to keep going, that you don’t need to be Dalai Lama level to get out of your own “midlife waiting rooms,” and that you have all the tools you need to start your midlife remix!
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.theflexibleneurotic.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theflexibleneurotic/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarah-milken-0092ab205/
Image Credits
Tori Time
