We were lucky to catch up with Torie Wiksell recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Torie, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
What a journey that’s been! Self-esteem and confidence are issues I’ve struggled with throughout the majority of my life. As a child who grew up with a mother with unmanaged borderline personality disorder, they are things that I’ve really had to fight to develop.
My mother could be the most encouraging and supportive person in the world and then rip me to shreds verbally the next moment. Living in that dynamic made it impossible for me to really develop a healthy self image growing up. When you’re repeatedly told you’re both amazing and awful, you develop self-doubt and anxiety, not confidence and good self-esteem.
As an adult, I’ve done a lot of work to heal from the traumas I’ve experienced and the mental health struggles I’ve faced. Developing true self-compassion is honestly only something I’ve achieve in the past several years. It’s been one of the hardest parts of my healing journey, and one that has made an immense difference in my overall quality of life. It’s what I attribute to developing confidence in myself and good self-esteem.
These days I know perfect isn’t real, and I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. But, now I honestly don’t care. I’d rather show up as my fully authentic and messy self and let the people who vibe with me do so, and allow people that don’t care for me to think whatever they think.
I know that I’m so much more capable of dealing with life than I ever gave myself credit for, and I really deserve to live my life the way in the way that feels best for me. That’s how confidence and good self-esteem feel, at least it’s how they feel for me these days.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
I’ve been a psychotherapist for the past 11 years, and I absolutely LOVE it. I’ve spent a huge portion of my career working with clients with severe mental health issues- including borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Over the past few years, in my private practice, I’ve shifted that focus to working with the adult children of emotionally immature parents- specifically parents with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
For me, it’s a professional and personal passion to help adults who are struggling to deal with a parent who has BPD or NPD. I know from experience, growing up with a mom with BPD, that it is not only incredibly traumatic, but it’s really difficult to find a therapist who truly understands how traumatizing and complicated this dynamic is.
Many people (some therapists included) will discourage adults from setting firm boundaries or going no-contact with their parent. In my opinion, this is not only inappropriate, but re-traumatizing and borderline gaslighting. I’m a firm believer that there are incredibly valid reasons to go no-contact with a parent with BPD and NPD, and there are also incredibly. valid reasons to try to set firm boundaries instead.
One of the things I love so much about working with adults who are struggling with a parent with BPD or NPD is just the relief I see on their face when it’s clear to them that I really get it and know they’re not crazy. It’s such an important moment, and I’m so happy that I can be a part of that for my clients.
What’s especially exciting for me professionally is my newest business! In addition to running my private practice, Torie Wiksell Therapy (www.toriewikselltherapy.com), I recently formed a second company, Confident Boundaries (www.confidentboundaries.com).
Confident Boundaries is an online community for adults with emotionally immature parents. I have a free checklist to help people understand what emotional immaturity really looks like in a parent, a mini-course to help set the foundation for implementing healthy boundaries, and I’m launching an online community soon where people can connect and get support as well as learn more about dealing with complicated family dynamics.
But, what I’m most excited about with Confident Boundaries is my ability to help more adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. This niche is so specific that I honestly don’t know of anyone else who focuses on it in the way that I do. It’s so incredibly close to my heart, and through Confident Boundaries, I can now provide one-on-one coaching to the adult children of parents with BPD and NPD and am getting ready to launch a group coaching program as well!
Coaching isn’t the same as therapy- therapy looks at the big picture of your life and addresses all areas: your mental health and well-being, your relationships, trauma, etc. Coaching on the other hand is very goal-focused and does not include working on things like clinical depression and anxiety, but rather has a specific focus like setting boundaries or going no-contact with a parent with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. Coaching also tends to be shorter in duration, and unlike therapy, I’m able to offer coaching to adults throughout the United States. It’s a really exciting new chapter of my business and one I’m so happy to be able to share with you.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
1. Truly embracing an IDGAF attitude- Of course, I by no means want to hurt or offend anyone, but I no longer spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about it or avoiding doing things I want to do out of fear other people will have a problem with it. One of the biggest things that has helped me get here was recognizing that most people in powerful positions are full-of-it and don’t know WTF they’re doing or talking about. They have (undeserved) confidence and that gets them far. If you actually care and are passionate about what you’re doing, you deserve to have confidence in yourself.
2. Maintaining my sense of humor- I like to think that I have a great sense of humor, and love that I can laugh with my family, friends, and my clients every day. Life is awesome and hard and awesome. Finding humor throughout tough moments or chapters can be so healing and make it feel so much more possible to discuss difficult things. Don’t be afraid to laugh, make a sarcastic comment, or be ridiculous if it’s authentic to you.
3. Accepting that the things I don’t want to talk about are the things I need to talk about- This has served me well in my personal therapy journey, in my career as a therapist, in my marriage, in my family relationships, and in my friendships. The things we often hide from others due to fear and shame hold us back so much more than we think they do. Talking about difficult things with people you trust is a superpower that you can definitely develop and will drastically reduce the stress in your life.
Okay, so before we go we always love to ask if you are looking for folks to partner or collaborate with?
I would love to collaborate with other mental health professionals who also coach and work with adults who have parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. I can be reached at [email protected] or via DM on my Instagram account @toriewiksell.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.confidentboundaries.com/one-on-one-coaching
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toriewiksell
