We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Jordan Spayd a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Jordan, we are so deeply grateful to you for opening up about your journey with mental health in the hops that it can help someone who might be going through something similar. Can you talk to us about your mental health journey and how you overcame or persisted despite any issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
Mental health issues are something I’ve struggled with since childhood. My home life growing up had its fair share of chaos and I felt a sense of responsibility to help make things as even-keeled as possible for my parents and siblings which is a lot for a kid to take on. The pinnacle of my struggles with mental health, however, happened in my final year of undergrad. I was very privileged to be able to study Film and Television Production at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts which is widely regarded as a contender for the “best film school in the world.” It is also prohibitively expensive and I would not have been able to attend without help from outside my immediate family. The fact that I was able to get this help is surely a privilege in and of itself and there were certainly other students of socioeconomic status equal to or lower than mine, but the vast majority at the very least seemed to have access to far more resources than I did. The combination of that and the culture shock of moving to downtown Manhattan from Corpus Christi, Texas made me feel very much like an outsider from the start.
I was incredibly shy in class. I wanted my main focus to be screenwriting, but I had absolutely no confidence in that area. I would often turn drafts in late or miss my presentation day because I couldn’t bear to have my work seen by the whole class. It was hard enough to allow my professors to see my work when I turned it in. Starting the very first semester of freshman year at NYU, you hear of the ever-important “thesis film.” Aside from being the final project directing students create in the program, the thesis film was marketed as your “calling card” – essentially, the one thing that will determine whether you succeed in the film industry or not. While it is true that occasionally undergraduate thesis films can launch the career of a young director, this is the exception rather than the rule and is dependent just as much on luck and privilege of resources as it is on talent and potential. There were a few voices that said as much, but they were drowned out by the pressure piled on by the much louder voices of students and faculty who purported the thesis film as the make it or break it moment of an aspiring director’s career.
I was terrified. I felt like I owed it to my family and everyone else who had helped me get to NYU to have my thesis film break down the doors of Hollywood and immediately provide me with wild success in the industry. In actuality I was, appropriately, far from ready for that. Circumstances outside of my academic life made everything even more challenging. My grandfather was dying which hugely impacted my chronically ill father, leading him to having a breakdown away from, and unable to return home. My special needs brother was transitioning from living with my mother to living in a group home. His caregiver who had been with him for eighteen years and was just as much a member of our family and a prominent adult figure in my life as any of my aunts and uncles was dying very quickly of cancer. I was renting a room in a 2br apartment from an older woman who lived in the other room and was dealing with struggles of her own that she took out on me. I knew I would be unable to afford to stay in New York if I didn’t get a job and I was having zero luck finding one. And I got dumped from my first ever romantic relationship.
The combination of all of these things was incredibly overwhelming. My baseline mental health was already not great. I’d had panic attacks in middle school and high school, but didn’t know what they were at the time. There came a point in my senior year at NYU where I was having panic attacks daily. Sometimes multiple times a day. I could barely eat because of the nausea this caused me. I was convinced I was dying. There were days where the only thing I could do was walk around the city until I was so tired my body might actually let me fall asleep. Unsure what to do on a particularly bad day, I eventually called 911. They sent an ambulance which took me to a hospital’s emergency psych ward. Unfortunately, this was almost entirely unhelpful. They gave me Tylenol for my TMJ pain which had been aggravated by all the stress and told me there wasn’t anything they could do for my mental health and that I should go see a psychiatrist at NYU. I did so. I remember trying to explain everything that was going on in my life to the psychiatrist and him being taken aback by my forthcomingness. His response essentially boiled down to “woah woah woah, here’s some medication. Go talk to a therapist.”
Fortunately, the therapist I went to see actually showed me a lot of empathy. Looking back, I can see how resistant I actually was to truly opening up, but it was still helpful to be heard and have someone want to help me. Desperate for anything that could further help me, I took my mother’s advice and started taking advantage of yoga classes offered to all NYU students. This turned out to be a game changer. Not only did the meditative nature of the practice help to settle my mind, the focus on the mind/body connection was by far the most effective thing I tried in alleviating my physical symptoms. I also started to lean on my friends more. I really could not have made it through this difficult time without them. I started to spend very little time at home and much more time at my friends’ places and out with friends. Being able to be honest with them about where I was and receiving their compassion and willingness to accommodate is what allowed me to keep pushing through all of these difficulties.
Never underestimate the power of friendship. If you’re going through a tough time, be honest with your friends about it. Having a supportive community will make all the difference. If your friends aren’t supportive, make new friends. I know this is easier said than done even when you aren’t struggling, but put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to embarrass yourself. Be willing to accept professional help too. Navigating the mental healthcare system in the US is challenging. You’ll find some providers who aren’t very helpful or won’t work with your insurance or budget. Keep looking. It may take time, but there are some truly awesome mental healthcare providers out there. Until then, just keep pushing. Even if it’s at a snail’s pace, you’ll still be making progress.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I am a filmmaker and educator. I just completed all of my work for my MFA in Film at Ohio University. I currently teach Screenwriting and Film Production at Ohio University and at Hocking College. My work takes a radically feminist perspective to challenge traditional expectations of men in society. As we work to dismantle the patriarchal frameworks of our society and empower women and other genders, we must also shift the ideals that our culture uses to define masculinity, keeping in mind that all individuals are harmed by patriarchal ideals. My films aim to provide men with new ideals to emulate in a post-patriarchal society. I have a couple projects I’m finishing up that continue this theme including my graduate thesis short film, First Night Out, about a man, Jack, who comes to accept his bisexuality only after marrying a woman. The film follows Jack’s night out at a gay club, trying to figure out how to fit in with the queer community.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Community Involvement – I would not be where I am today without the support of communities I’ve been fortunate to be a part of. Go out and find people who do what you do or want to do and support them. Many of them will support you back. Some of them will try to take advantage of you. If this happens, recognize this and that it’s an issue with them, not with you. Redirect your focus to others who you want to succeed and who will support you back.
Perseverance – Failure is inevitable. It is a part of life and it is a part of learning. The writer G.K. Chesterson famously wrote “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” The intention behind this is not to say you shouldn’t put your full effort into an endeavor. Rather, it is meant as encouragement to keep trying. Every time you fail, you learn and grow closer to the work you want to achieve. It’s hard to accept this, especially in a society like ours where perfection is expected. But perfection is not attainable. Good work is, but it only comes from practice and perseverance.
Passion – In a lot of ways, this ties in with perseverance. It is much easier to keep trying when you truly care about what it is you are trying to accomplish. Take time to regularly reflect on the reason for doing the things you want to do. What makes them important and meaningful for you? I have found that keeping my focus on this has been a huge motivator to keep going when I fail. It has also helped me to ensure that the work I’m doing truly is meaningful.
Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?
I am not always the best at this, but I find that when I am overwhelmed, it’s actually helpful to take a step back from my work and focus on self care. This can feel counterproductive when you’re trying to accomplish a goal, especially on a deadline, but the truth is, your work will be easier and more potent if you can maintain some level of peace within yourself. In this, I again remind you that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. It is unlikely that in the midst of overwhelm you will be able to completely step back, calm every emotion, and feel the utmost amount of peace. This does not mean it is not worth trying. Even reducing your stress a small amount can have a major impact on your productivity and overall wellbeing.
Contact Info:
- Website: jordanspayd.work (currently under contstruction)
- Instagram: @jspayd @firstnightoutfilm
Image Credits
Jordan Spayd Soheil Goharipour
