We were lucky to catch up with Ebony Jones recently and have shared our conversation below.
Ebony, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Growing up, I was terribly self-conscious. We always had dogs and, invariably, I would get bitten by fleas. (Only as an adult did I learn that dogs shouldn’t have fleas, but I digress.) I couldn’t help but to scratch the bites because they itched so fiercely. My legs and arms were speckled with hyperpigmentation. I was so embarrassed that I would wear long socks and long-sleeved sweaters in the summertime. I stood 5’8” by the 7th grade, and I’d filled out quite a bit by the time I entered high school. I was what they call “thick”, which was colloquially and culturally acceptable, but synonymous with fat by Eurocentric, Westernized societal standards of beauty. As a joke, I tried out for cheerleading, believing that I’d never make the squad “with my fat a—“. Not only did I make the squad, I was good, damned good, and I loved every moment of it. The rest is high school history. In my senior year, I became cheerleading co-captain (and even contemplated cheerleading professionally one day).
My subconscious was driven by an awareness that eluded my consciousness. I didn’t try out as a joke. I tried out to lean into discomfort. To push myself to the outer limits of my fear. A cheerleader not only had to be front and center, but a cheerleader had to show off her legs. Those who know me well will tell you that, even up till now, I am not a fan of my legs. But, I forced myself to face my fear head on, and I did so with flawless execution. I did it to begin learning what self-love looks like, feels likes, and sounds like. I did it to experience myself in a new light; one that appreciates her body inside and out. I did it to stop hiding. I did it to find my true authenticity and free myself from the shackles of insecurity and shame. This began my journey of developing confidence and self-esteem.
Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?
I am a mental health provider who practices from a Feminist Therapy modality. It feels so good to say that unapologetically. I never imagined that one day, I’d align myself with feminism. I never imagined that I wouldn’t align myself with feminism, either. What I did know is that I always had a strong sense of justice. I can recall getting into trouble in the sixth grade for tossing in the garbage the coach’s whistle that our teacher used as a classroom management tactic. It just didn’t seem right to me that she was allowed to “blow our eardrums out” because she was in a position of authority. I recall the same teacher claiming that I threatened her. When asked, “Are you saying that your teacher is lying,” I calmly retorted, “she is mistaken.” The gasps around the room were deafening. How dare I imply such a thing about someone in an elevated position!? It just didn’t sit right in my spirit that someone with authority could lie, and get away with it. I recall in the seventh grade getting heated (and quite feisty) with the class bully for mistreating my best friend. It just wasn’t right. I was led to social justice, and as such, I didn’t choose feminism; it chose me.
It was such an awakening for me when I met my Bridges to Healing (www.bridgestohealing.net) colleagues and friends. They had the language for what I’d always felt, but never quite understood. Social justice and feminist therapy spoke to me and through its use, I aspire to continue providing trauma-informed mental health services to vulnerable populations. It is the passion that drives me daily, and helps me as I help heal others and walk alongside them on their journeys to betterment.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
These three life lessons have carried me through good and bad times:
1 – the most difficult type of forgiveness is forgiveness of self.
2 – time will always win.
3 – when you don’t know what to do, do nothing.
I learned about shame and guilt way too early in life (and I’ll let you decide how you choose to interpret that statement). In my battles with depression and self-loathing, I learned something astonishing. I’d held myself to such rigid standards that the slightest misstep made me feel worthless, undeserving of love, and generally flawed. I didn’t know that I needed to forgive myself for not being perfect. And do you know what? Recognizing that I needed self-forgiveness, and then learning how to actually do so, was first on a long list of “the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.”
Time. Time is a vicious, beautiful beast. Time will always win. No matter what, it keeps going. When we want to quit, time never stops. It honors no request to speed up or slow down. It marches to the beat of the rhythm to which human beings have ascribed to it, and it never skips a beat. This reality both makes me cringe and sets me free. For I know that when I’m in the thick of pain, grief, or sorrow, I must endure that tumult to get to the other side of it, and there is always another side. Time marches on, and no matter how bleak things are today, they will not be so bleak after the passage of time, and time will always pass. There will come a time when it won’t hurt so bad, won’t feel so tender and raw, and won’t consume me. And when that time comes, and it will always come, I will be better. I hold onto that when the world is crashing in on me. Time. Always. Wins.
When you don’t know what to do, do nothing. Allow your truly authentic self to come to the conclusion that is right for you, but don’t force it. It’s ok to just be still, and let the answers find you.
Is there a particular challenge you are currently facing?
I’ve observed an interesting pattern across my life span thus far. I’m good in many areas. I’m exceptionally good. Laudable, even. Throughout my academic and professional careers, accolades abound. The way I handle my business is solid. But, MY best is always just shy of THE best. GPA = 3.9. Why not 4.0!? Graduated Magna Cum Laude. Why not Summa Cum Laude!? Vice-President in my corporate career. Why not President? For this reason, I’ve many times felt like second best. I had to examine my attachment to being the best. What I uncovered is that on a subconscious level, I’ve limited myself, because the lesson “I can do anything and be anything I want to do or be in this life” was never imparted into my belief system. I wonder about the heights I could have reached had I truly believed that I could do or be anything under the sun. And so, my greatest challenge is limiting myself from reaching my destined greatness. I can’t say I know what that means yet, but I must activate. The good news is that I have incredible project management skills. I’m learning to approach my dreams like a project manager, and I’m finding successes along the way. I must push myself and believe that my dreams are only as far away as I allow them to be.
Contact Info:
- Website: EbonyJonesTherapy.com
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ebony-jones?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=ios_app
- Other: Bridgestohealing.net
