Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Sara Holt, CNM, MS. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Sara, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with us about a deeply personal and sensitive topic. Postpartum depression affects so many in the community and hearing from someone who has overcome PPD might help someone who is going through it right now. For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience
I feel fortunate that I grew up with a mother who was a strong believer in counseling, therapy and mental health treatment in general. My parents divorced when I was very young and my mother started my brother and me in counseling pretty soon thereafter. I probably couldn’t really articulate my feelings well during our sessions, but I knew in my heart I felt more peace after our counseling visits. This early experience was impactful to me and I continued addressing my mental health needs with counseling through my teen and college years.
During my first pregnancy I had a lot of personal turmoil. My husband disclosed his addiction to me just after we found out we were expecting and went into drug treatment. Being around someone in recovery is incredibly intense and difficult, and I felt like the pregnancy was almost set to the side a bit. I was just three years into my career as a Nurse Midwife, so the professional part of me still took a lot of energy. I felt terrified, ashamed and embarrassed of my situation. I had wanted to be a Mother for so long, and now I was approaching this time in the midst of chaos.
After taking my sweet little guy home, I felt completely at a loss when it came to parenting. Like many people, I probably focused more on preparing for the birth and setting up a nursery (which basically never got used) than I did about parenting. I knew I was desperately in love with my baby and I planned on following the principles of attachment parenting. For those who don’t know – attachment parenting is aimed at creating strong bonds between parent and child and fostering feelings of security in the baby. To me, it turned out to be a swift descent into losing myself. I’m sure some people have walked this journey with much more grace than I did, but baby wearing, co-sleeping and nearly continuous body contact with my son was very intense for me and honestly, I felt some resentment. This led me to have feelings of guilt and shame as I tried to parent in this manner.
As the months went by I felt like I was in freefall – my marriage was ending and I was losing myself in the intensity of motherhood. I also felt that my body didn’t belong to me anymore – there were no boundaries with the attachment style of parenting, and I had no one to pass the baby off to. I understand that when you’re in the middle of something it can be difficult to see what is really happening. I knew I felt terrible but I attributed it to the stressful life circumstances and the lack of sleep. It didn’t occur to me to ask for help, until my mother suggested I might be depressed.
Quickly, we realized that this was the case. I was fortunate to find a provider who was well-versed in treatment of PPD, and they suggested medication in addition to counseling. I felt so low that I would have tried anything if there was a chance of feeling like myself again. Also, I was incredibly relieved that there was a “medical reason” I was feeling so poorly. We all have a tendency to feel that we are at fault, right? So putting a diagnosis to my troubles felt like a relief.
I found help in some of the counseling sessions I went to, but the real game changer for me was medication. After about 10 days I started to be able to laugh again and to gain some measure of perspective. My life was still a big mess but my head felt clearer, and I was just better at coping somehow. It felt like a tiny measure of lightness was present again for me. The road to recovery was long, but I slowly began to feel like myself again.
To say this experience changed me would be an understatement. I think until you have walked a journey, you don’t have a true understanding of what it feels like. I still live with guilt and regret – I wish I would have found help earlier so that I could have enjoyed my son’s first year a bit more. I now understand that many people who suffer from PPD feel the same way. I’m grateful that perinatal mood disorders are more widely understood and talked about currently. We now know that about 20% of birthing people (and 10% of partners!) experience postpartum depression or anxiety.
My own journey with this disease has made me a fierce advocate for perinatal mental health. Starting a business that is grounded in community and midwifery support, and that can help others who are suffering, feels very personal to me. My wish is that others who are struggling might read this and understand that there is hope. The pillars of perinatal mood care are support, therapy and medication. I am so pleased to offer support groups and medication management for people with perinatal mood disorders at Byenveni Baby. I also have a group of therapists that I refer to in order to help my clients with postpartum mood disorders. If you are struggling, please reach out to me! I’ve been there, and this is not your fault. Please understand that there is help, you’re not alone in these feelings, and you will feel better again. I’d be honored to help you along the way.
Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
Byenveni Baby is a community center and a collective in Portland Oregon that serves people throughout the childbearing years. We offer full scope midwifery, lactation support, childbirth education, and medication support for perinatal mood disorders. In addition we host free support groups each week and have frequent educational and social gatherings. In the 18 months since Byenveni Baby opened, I’ve realized my dream of having a busy community center, and we are still growing!
Byenveni means “welcome” in Haitian Creole and is a nod to the special place I have in my heart for Haiti.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
The three qualities that I think have been the most helpful to me over my career are my passion for this work and depth of knowledge, my work ethic, and my ability to meet people with authenticity where ever they are. Actually, that’s four things!
When I started work as a labor and delivery nurse I practiced in a very busy unit with lots of high risk obstetrics, we frequently had 25 births a day. I remember being so proud to be a nurse and just absolutely hungry to learn all I could about my new career that I just immersed myself in it. I am still totally obsessed with birth- it’s so captivating, and it’s never the same. My parents were both very accomplished and extremely hard workers in their chosen careers – I was always around the ethos of doing the right thing even if that meant staying late or putting in extra time. So when I found myself with this new passion for birth work, I wanted to be accomplished and someone that people trusted, it’s a big deal to be trusted with someone’s body, and to be trusted with their child as well.
Finally, I will say that I am basically the same person inside the exam room as I am outside of it. I think as I became more confident with my skills, that I really learned to relax and let my personality be a part of my work. I laugh a lot with people, and I think they really can see who I am as a human. At the end of the day, we all just want to be seen and accepted, so staying in touch with the human side of things both helps people trust me, and allows me to continue to feel a sense of joy in the work.
Is there a particular challenge you are currently facing?
One thing that is challenging to me as a new business owner, is staying on top of all the business-y things! I’m an expert provider, but a terrible administrative worker! I’ve never been the one to do things like scheduling and sending out forms.
Thankfully, my clients have given me so much grace in this department. Finally, I just want to offer my heartfelt thanks for this interview- it’s been a joy to speak you!
Contact Info:
- Website: www.byenvenibaby.com
- Instagram: byenvenibaby
- Facebook: Byenveni Baby
