We recently connected with Dan Barone and have shared our conversation below.
Dan, we are so appreciative of you taking the time to open up about the extremely important, albeit personal, topic of mental health. Can you talk to us about your journey and how you were able to overcome the challenges related to mental issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
As a child, I believed that something was wrong with me. Nothing I did seemed to be good enough for my Dad. I struggled to live up to his expectations and his approval always had strings attached. I felt like I had to be something other than myself because I wasn’t enough on my own.
This truth was pounded into me through his brand of Christianity and it seemed like every mistake I made drove that nail deeper. I hated myself and I began to suffer from depression; a battle that I would fight for the next twenty years.
My Dad left home when I was a teen. He told me I was “the man of the house” now, putting a weight on my shoulders that I wasn’t able to carry. How could I possibly take care of my family when I couldn’t even take care of myself? I felt like a complete failure.
My depression worsened and I began to seriously consider ending my life.
Every day was like a deadly game of tug-of-war. I wrestled with self-harm and tried everything I could to numb my pain. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, I was trying to stay alive through any means I could find. Something inside me knew I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting and I didn’t know how.
I did know there was something missing in my life. After all, so many people around me looked like they had life all figured out and seemed happy. I desperately wanted to feel that too. I needed it.
I thought I would finally feel good about myself once I had enough.
And like so many young people who didn’t know better, I chased the money. I hustled my *ss off. I found a high paying job and started a family. I bought a big house and nice cars. The perfect American dream.
Only it wasn’t. No matter how much I got, happiness never stayed. The more money I made, the more I found I “needed”. Life taught me an ugly truth I never learned in school:
The goalposts keep moving.
It didn’t matter how much stuff I had, I just felt empty. I was more depressed than ever and I started to lose control of my drinking. All the darkness I had somehow kept at bay until now came out and I couldn’t stop it.
My life fell apart.
I lost my job, my house, and my marriage. I was so angry and lashed out at everything and everyone. I felt like I had been lied to and manipulated by the world; that I was a pawn in some sick game and I just wanted it to end. My anger turned inward and the rage gave way to self-loathing. I realized that it wasn’t anyone else’s fault my life was a disaster; it was mine.
At my lowest point I experienced an awakening. It was like someone turning on the light in a dark room, and I saw myself clearly for the first time. I was at a crossroads with two paths in front of me and the choice was mine:
I could give up, or I could get help.
I had tried my own way long enough to know it was a dead end. If this was all there was to life, I didn’t want to stick around and suffer anymore.
But…
I didn’t want to give up on my life without trying a different way first. I had always avoided asking for help because I didn’t feel like I was worth helping. I was scared that I would go to therapy and be told: “It’s too late for you”, or some other bullshit I had imagined over the years that kept me from reaching out and getting the help I desperately needed.
The best part of hitting the bottom was that I didn’t care anymore. What was the worst that could happen? That I was right after all and it was too late?
I had nothing left to lose.
I finally made the life-altering choice to go see a therapist and promised myself two things:
One, to be fully and completely honest with myself no matter what.
And two, to do whatever I had to do in order to turn my life around.
I was ready to do the work.
And I needed to be. Healing was painful. It hurt to relive my past and clean out old wounds that had scarred over. It was uncomfortable to be brutally honest with myself and see all the parts of me I didn’t like out in the open. But because my life was at a breaking point, I had the conviction to push through the discomfort to find what was causing that pain buried deep underneath the surface.
It’s funny how simple things look in hindsight. Why did I let things get so bad before getting help? Sadly, I thought asking for help showed I was weak. I believed it was somehow noble or manly to suffer through my pain, and that being a man meant I had to fix things on my own. I looked at my life like a test I had to pass by myself or it somehow wouldn’t count. And maybe if I did well enough I would finally feel good about who I was. It dawned on me:
I was still searching for the validation I never received as a child.
Things were starting to click now and I kept on doing the work. I questioned everything I thought I knew and learned that very few of my ideas were actually mine. Most of what I knew came from other people, and now I got to decide if I still wanted to carry those beliefs with me as I healed.
Many beliefs weren’t about religion at all, but more basic truths I had accepted about my life. Beliefs like I wasn’t good enough unless I did something to prove it, or that my worth came from how much money I earned.
I had chased the “almighty dollar” in search of happiness and knew money could never give me what I wanted. Money was just a tool and when it became the end goal it was worthless. I had learned if my happiness depended on a specific outcome, that outcome controlled my life and I gave away my power to choose; the single greatest thing I possessed and the key to happiness. A realization hit me:
I had been taught to give my power away my entire life.
The lessons that started with my father were reinforced by a broken education system as I grew. Those voices only got louder when I entered the workforce and tried to fit into the culture I thought I wanted. A culture I could never fit into. And now I knew why. There WAS something wrong, but that something wasn’t me like I thought it was. It was the system.
I just hadn’t seen it until now.
It was like Pandora’s box opened for me. I saw there wasn’t “one true way” to achieve success or to find happiness.
Life wasn’t a pass/fail test with a stern old man waiting to judge my answer sheet to see if I was good enough.
I had been afraid of failing that test for so long, and now I saw the truth behind the curtain. There were no answers to life’s “test” because there wasn’t a test in the first place! Everyone was doing the best they could with what they knew. And more importantly:
No one really knew what they were doing!
Everyone was making it up as they went along. Even my Dad, who liked people to think he had all the answers. This meant I couldn’t get it wrong! Each experience was a lesson and pain was the teacher. Making a mistake didn’t mean I was bad, it meant I was human.
And that meant I could change. Instead of blindly following someone else’s path based on their beliefs, I could choose what mattered to me and use the skills and tools I had to blaze my own trail. I understood at last what it meant to stand in my power, to choose for myself, and to take ownership of my life.
I was finally free.
I started to rebuild my life, learning as I went. With every choice came a lesson which taught me something new, and with each lesson I made better choices. I learned who I could trust and who I had to set firm boundaries with. I discovered who I am, and just as important, who I’m NOT.
I learned that happiness doesn’t happen by accident; it’s a skill you practice and get better at over time.
I found that life’s reward doesn’t come at the end of the journey; the reward IS the journey.
And I realized how many people are still stuck living the lives other people have made for them.
Something within me caught fire. It was wrong… Though I had escaped from the machine, that same suffering and hopelessness I used to feel was crushing other people still trapped inside it. I had found my freedom and now I wanted that same feeling for them.
That’s when it hit me; not only was I the sum of all my experiences but more importantly I was the product of all the people who had impacted my life to this point on my journey. I carried their wisdom and teachings with me and I could be for others what they had been for me. I could be their trail guide.
Which is why I’m here.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I’m a coach for those who feel trapped living a life that isn’t theirs anymore. I help people who’ve reached their breaking point to take back their life and blaze their own trail instead of following the path others made for them. Think of me like a trail guide for the “hike of life”.
Working with me isn’t like therapy. It’s a completely different experience, designed to help in the areas where therapy doesn’t. I work with people to find their own inner compass and take action in moving towards what they truly want in life.
Don’t get me wrong, traditional therapy is vitally important and has changed many lives, mine included. But therapy also has its limitations, mainly:
The wait-list to get in and time between sessions leave you treading water, trying to stay afloat on your own until help finally arrives.
That’s why I created “Trail Guide in Your Pocket”, a real-time support program for people who are sick of waiting and are ready to do the work.
Imagine an on-call safe space where you have unlimited and unconditional support to work through life’s problems as they unfold. A space specifically designed to provide the real-time strategies you need, A space where you have someone to help you work through your breaking points as they happen instead of afterwards when you’re picking up the pieces?
That’s exactly what “Trail Guide in Your Pocket” does.
We start with a “no strings attached” video chat to learn if we’re a good fit. We’ll talk about your needs and how I can best support you.
If it feels like we’re a good fit, we’ll agree on a support level that feels right for you and set an intention or goal to work towards together.
Throughout our time working together you have unlimited access to me and we talk as often as you need. I help you move through your stress and emotions as they happen and provide actionable strategies you can use in the moment. I guide you in making changes to the areas of your life that are causing the most pain.
At quarterly intervals we’ll set time aside to review our work. Did we meet our goal? What’s next for you? If it feels right, we may continue our work together or choose a different level of support. The ultimate intention of working together is for you to reach a place where you don’t need me anymore and can move forward on your own, empowered to create the change in your life that you desire.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
Truth is a controversial topic. As human beings, our understanding of truth is primarily based on what we’ve learned and experienced. People will often begin to define truth by pointing to the larger universal rules which exist beyond our human influence. These truths are timeless and unchanging; we’ve accepted them as guiding laws of the natural universe. The four fundamental forces (gravity, electromagnetism, etc) are examples of such universal truths.
Where we get into trouble is when we equate a universal principle to our own personal view. We FEEL like our experiences are true, and to us, they ARE. But that does not mean they are true for everyone. Therein lies the problem with a universal meaning for truth: our human nature. As humans, we have tremendous difficulty in separating our individual experience and our interpretation of it from the underlying facts and are unconsciously influenced by confirmation bias. We apply the same meaning of what truth IS (an impersonal, universal fact) to the subjective, personal truth that we’ve come to believe during our life based on our experiences.
With that said, I’ve found these same personal truths to be far more influential (than universal truths) in determining how we feel and choose to live our lives. Personal truths impact cultural beliefs and are responsible for shaping social interaction, prejudice, and morality. Religion is a notable example of a personal truth with widespread acceptance, and our lives are full of similar truths that inform our feelings and decisions. It doesn’t seem to matter if something is objectively true or not; if we believe it is true then it has the power to influence our lives.
Many of the views we hold are based on personal truths we learned or were taught as children. We accepted these beliefs before we were able to fully understand how they came to be “true” in the first place. A large part of my healing journey was practicing continual self-reflection and asking deep, probing questions about what I believed and whether it was still true for me or not. This type of deep reflection allowed me to begin deconstructing my previously held identity and rebuilding it into one that served me better; both as who I was at that moment and who I wanted to become as I healed my inner wounds.
As I continued on this healing journey I started to feel a strong internal resistance to changing my beliefs. Many of the truths I believed since childhood had been woven into my identity and it was scary to question who I was as a person. Despite being afraid, I knew that I didn’t want to stay where I was and continue to suffer from old wounds that had been passed down to me. I pressed on and kept asking questions. Over time, I learned where my values and truths came from and I was able to determine whether I still wanted to keep them or let them go. It was like realizing I had been wearing someone else’s clothes for a long time, and many of them didn’t fit me anymore. This discovery was liberating.
By choosing to let go of my old beliefs, I also let go of the limitations they imposed on me. I kept questioning and discovered new truths that grew WITH me instead of keeping me stuck in one place. These beliefs were adaptable and improved my life, both in mindset and experience. I started to practice them and things began to shift. I found myself living a more meaningful life centered around things that truly mattered to me, and building relationships with others who were on their own path of growth and healing. These personal truths have transformed my life and I share them with you in the hope that you continue to question and discover what YOUR truths are on your journey.
The first truth I discovered is Presence, also known as present moment awareness. From a young age our culture teaches us to look ahead at what’s to come and to be ready for it. This way of thinking asks questions such as:
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“Where are you going to college?”
“How much are you saving for retirement?”
“What will happen when you die?”
The questions all point to a future-focused view of life. While planning ahead is a valuable and important skill, it’s often over-emphasized at the expense of living in the present moment. We live in a world full of anxious people worried about what COULD happen, spending so much energy on things that never come to pass. When our attention is primarily focused on the future we end up missing out on many incredible experiences happening around us. This leaves us feeling disappointed and unfulfilled.
As I listened to the teachings of Alan Watts, Ram Dass, and Eckhart Tolle, I became aware of a greater perspective that I was missing. I started to build awareness of my present experience and my entire mindset began to shift. I was also helped by the teachings of Jon Kabat-Zinn and used his mindfulness techniques to work through my depression and anxiety. Focusing on being fully present instead of engaging in the endless rumination of thoughts was life-changing for me.
The skill of awareness is the “base camp” from which many healing journeys begin. Until we are aware of a pattern, habit, or choice we’re making, we lack the capacity to change it. By growing our awareness we begin to see things we’ve been blind to and now have more information to self-reflect and ask questions about. This skill led me to discover my next truth, Intention.
As a child, I wanted to know WHY things were a certain way. My inquisitive nature became a challenge as an adult when I entered the corporate world. I would question things I didn’t understand and it became a point of friction with my bosses. This pattern repeated itself through several careers and I came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t cut out for corporate work.
As my self-awareness grew, I started to notice patterns and habits in my behavior. I questioned those tendencies and reflected on what needs I was trying to meet through them. The same curiosity which had made it difficult for me in the corporate world also led me to gain greater understanding of these behavior patterns and became an important tool in understanding myself.
Asking WHY I was doing something became a vital part of my self-reflection and allowed me to step outside of the unconscious cycles I had been repeating. As I continued to heal, I made it a point to ask why I was doing ANY particular thing, and if I didn’t have a good answer I wouldn’t take that action until I had a clear intention behind it. This changed my entire behavior and habit-building process from unconscious to intentional.
In prioritizing aware-and-intentional action, I was able to make the choices which felt most aligned with my values. Not only did this result in living more purposefully, but it also saved energy and frustration I had previously spent figuring it out along the way and backtracking if I took a wrong turn. The ability to discern the choices available to me and examine them BEFORE choosing led me to feel more empowered and I soon found my third truth, Joy.
Before I had left my last corporate job, I was driving home one afternoon questioning the path of my life. My father had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I was wondering what I would do if that happened to me. I felt purposeless; my energy was being put towards things that didn’t matter, and I was searching for something with deeper meaning. I saw a bumper sticker on a car which said:
“Don’t Postpone Joy”.
That sentence changed my life. I had always chased happiness, believing that it would relieve my depression and sustain me to go on with my life. I learned the hard way that my understanding of happiness was mistaken. Not only were emotions just temporary feelings, but there was a profound difference between joy and happiness. I had equated the two, leading to bitter disappointment as I tried to hold on to that temporary pleasure before it left and I inevitably failed.
That bumper sticker planted a seed. As it grew, my understanding of joy changed with it. Like any other emotion, happiness is a feeling which comes and goes mostly outside of our control. Joy, on the other hand, is a state of being or a mindset. Joy can co-exist with suffering and sadness, which makes it infinitely more resilient.
I had always admired the resilience of people who were joyful. No matter what happened in their life, they seemed to have the attitude and ability to find a way through any challenge they faced. I wanted that for myself but I had been so caught up in my emotional experience that I didn’t see I was keeping myself back from the very thing I wanted! Now that I was aware of it, I could change it.
I began to cultivate a joyful mindset and focused my attention on things that inspired me and motivated me. I continued to make intentional choices that were aligned with my values. I stopped defining life as “good” or “bad” and found that I was OK regardless of the outcome of many things I had worried about before. Joy allowed me to move through suffering without taking it on as part of my identity, and I was able to find the positive aspects of any situation I was in. This joyful mindset was growing during the same time I was learning the power of awareness and intention, and all three helped me to realize my personal agency and take ownership of my life.
The best part of this discovery is that once I realized my ability to change was within me all along, I no longer needed anything from “outside” to make me feel better. I firmly believe this ability lies within every human being, and that given the right environment and support we can all reach a place of empowerment and resilience, living a life we love.
How would you describe your ideal client?
You know there’s something more to life but you don’t know how to get there. You feel hopeless and powerless; like your choices are made for you by someone else and nothing you do really matters in the end. Your life runs on autopilot where every day is the same and nothing you do seems to make a difference. You feel like a cog in the machine, just being used up and waiting to be thrown out when you can’t hack it anymore.
You dread waking up each day because no matter how hard you work you can’t seem to get ahead. It’s like you’re running on a hamster wheel and can’t stop no matter how much it hurts. You feel trapped in a life that isn’t yours, and no matter how much you do there’s always more work waiting for you. It never seems to end and you don’t know how to fix it. All you know is something HAS to change because you’re at your breaking point.
I’ve been where you are and I’m here to tell you something important:
You have the power to change your life. It’s been inside you this whole time. The problem is no one taught you how to use it. Until now.
I’m here to help you find your own inner compass and take action in moving towards what you truly want in life.
Learn how to set boundaries around your time and energy instead of being a doormat or a people-pleaser. Discover how to blaze your own trail instead of following the path others made for you to follow. Master how to take ownership of your life, your choices, and your happiness.
You’re not a lost cause, and it’s not too late. You’re not a hamster on a wheel. You’re not just a cog in the machine. You’re something more; more than you’ve ever realized.
Are you ready to be truly honest and do the work to turn your life around?
Only you know the answer to that. And if you’re not sure, I invite you to ask yourself the following questions:
Has the pain gotten bad enough where you’re ready to take action no matter how uncomfortable it is?
If not, how much worse do things need to get before you reach that point?
If you don’t take action to change your life and things stay the same, what would that feel like?
Would you want to live that way for the rest of your life?
What’s stopping you from taking action?
What do you have to lose?
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.danbarone.com/
- Instagram: @danthetrailguide
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/danthetrailguide/
- Other: Notes from the Trail blog: https://danbarone.substack.com/
Podcast: Our Messy Shadows https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/our-messy-shadows
