Meet Virginia Duan

 

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Virginia Duan. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Virginia, so great to have you with us and thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with the community. So, let’s jump into something that stops so many people from going after their dreams – haters, nay-sayers, etc. We’d love to hear about how you dealt with that and persisted on your path.

Truthfully, I wish had something inspiring to say about persisting despite the haters.

I wish I could be the sort of reasonable person who realizes that if I wouldn’t ask this person for advice or counsel, if this person does not have an informed opinion or expertise in this area, then their opinion about my dreams is meaningless and irrelevant — like a fart in the wind.

All I have is this unwavering belief that my story deserves to be heard — not just told. Oh, and spite. A lot of spite.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

I’m an Asian American author who writes stories full of rage and grief with biting humor and glimpses of grace. My debut novel “Illusive” (out now in ebook and paperback) is a steamy and evocative behind-the-scenes story set in the K-pop industry. If you love angst, complex characters, and stories that pull no punches at how hard and messy healing from trauma is, my spicy, non-linear K-pop love story about breaking free from shame, found families, and sexy K-pop idols that will give you glimpses into the artistic process and have you hopping on the next plane to Seoul.

I’m also the entertainment editor for Mochi Magazine, the longest running online Asian American women’s magazine; co-host of the Brazn Azn podcast where we delve into issues of identity, social justice, and the complexities of Asian American experiences; and a freelance writer.

My professional focuses are threefold: 1) Fiction – to write and publish the stories I want to read (especially featuring Asian and Asian American leads); 2) Non-fiction/personal essays – to continue writing and pitching to more prominent publications; 3) Entertainment – to continue building my portfolio in this area of journalism.

Regardless of medium, I tackle the uncomfortable and taboo by discussing mental health, grief, and trauma with disarming honesty. My work has been featured on major sites like Healthline, PBS Kids, Parents, and Scary Mommy, providing relatable takes on topics ranging from parenting and family life to pop culture and social justice.

Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, I live with my husband and five children. (Yes, five. I also homeschool most of them in English and Chinese.) I spend most of my days plotting my next book or article, shuttling my children about, participating in more group chats than humanly possible, and daydreaming about BTS a totally normal amount.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

When I reflect on the three qualities that have been most impactful on my journey, I think of the following:

1) Cultivating genuine relationships versus transactional relationships

I despise transactional relationships. I hate how greasy networking can be. I hate the endless bragging, the one-upmanship, the pretense, and talking to people who don’t care about me and are only listening because they can’t wait to talk about themselves.

Instead, I value building real friendships and connections with others. And then because I know their strengths and challenges, I can introduce my friends and colleagues I vibe with to each other in addition to sending these same people opportunities that I see.

So many of my career opportunities came my way because these people knew I would not shame them if they mentioned my name, that I did not feel entitled to their connections, and that I would do my best to return the favor.

2) Having a “why not?” attitude

For a long time, I hated trying new things. I’m not saying I love it now, but a lot of the reason I hated it was because I was worried I would be bad at it. I was worried that if I chose to try something, it would permanently be a part of my identity, and I would have to do it forever.

Now, I approach every new idea or opportunity as practice or a free-trial period. I don’t have to buy into the pressure to commoditize every aspect of my life. I do things because it sounds fun, or I have always wanted to do it. And then, what do you know? If I like it enough to keep at it until I’m no longer bad at it, I now have a new skillset.

3) Be genuinely happy for others

When I was younger, I saw other people’s success as a personal slight against me. I viewed the world as a zero-sum game. Except, not only is this empirically false, it is also a miserable way to live.

I decided I was sick of being such a miserly person, and that if someone achieved something awesome and I was upset about it, I would examine my reaction.

Was I jealous because I wanted what they got? If so, then I could ask them how they achieved it. I could learn about it and then, if in the process I no longer wanted it, that was a good thing to know! And if I did still want it, then I got a step closer to getting it.

Was I annoyed because they were talking about themselves and their achievement? If so, how does it affect me in any way? Is it because I’m uncomfortable talking about my wins? Is it because of how they are communicating it? If so, how would I do it differently?

Anyway, genuinely celebrating other people allowed me to start seeing the world as expansive and generous. The more I leaned into seeing the world this way, the more confirmation bias worked in my favor, and the more I pursued the things I loved because so many people were now supporting me.

What is the number one obstacle or challenge you are currently facing and what are you doing to try to resolve or overcome this challenge?

The top challenge I’m facing is that I rarely sit in my accomplishments. For instance, I recently published my debut novel, “Illusive,” and though it has only been out a few weeks, I am already ready to move onto the next deadline, the next draft, the next podcast, the next collab I’m doing. I didn’t even have a launch party!

It feels completely counterintuitive for me to continually mention my books (I also have a non-fiction book called “So You Want Your Kid to Learn Chinese”), even though rarely are businesses and products successful if you promote it once and then never again. As an Asian American woman and mother, I want to be perceived in the entirety of who I am, but when I am perceived in the way that I want, I want to hide. It suddenly feels too vulnerable. Too demanding. Too greedy.

I am always worried that I will come across as transactional or salesy and smarmy. Now, I am actively combatting and reframing my perspective. People are looking for book recommendations, and I have a book. If they love angst, complex characters, and a story that pulls no punches, I’m doing a service by recommending my book “Illusive.” It’s full of sexy K-pop stars, found families, love, and breaking free from shame — all while topping the charts.

Why wouldn’t they be happy to have a need met?

Because authenticity is so important to me, I hate the phrase “fake it ’til you make it.” But this reframing reminds me that I can also reframe how I see myself as I overcome this challenge. I tell myself gently: I am practicing sharing about my life and accomplishments until I get better at it.

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Image Credits

Susanna Stroberg (for the first picture)

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