Meet Melody Sanderson

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Melody Sanderson a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Melody, so happy to have you on the platform and I think our readers are in for a treat because you’ve got such an interesting story and so much insight and wisdom. So, let’s start with a topic that is relevant to everyone, regardless of industry etc. What do you do for self-care and how has it impacted you?

First of all, I want to say that those are all great questions, and it was really hard to pick a question. I was particularly called to answer this self-care one, as well as the imposter syndrome one, as they are intricately linked, at least for me. It took me 25 years to figure out what I really wanted to do, and more importantly, who I wanted to be, and I’m still learning to dance with the whole imposter syndrome. Although I don’t believe that’s it’s a clear cut line or boundary that we pass and overcome once and for all. Of course, I’m only speaking from my own experience, but I see progress as a soft, gradual dance, similar to the ebb and flow of the ocean. Some days there are a lot of improvements, and some days feel like huge steps backward, but overall, there is a subtle movement, unhurried, in the right direction. The reason we are so frustrated with life nowadays, I believe, is because that progress is only perceptible if we take the time to slow down and look back to where we come from. Only then can we actually perceive how far we’ve come, because our finish lines and destination points are constantly shifting away from us, as we desire more of what we lack and keep disregarding what we have. It’s a cliché thrown around a lot nowadays but when I started applying this to my self-care practice I was amazed at how much it rang true.

For me it was relatively easy to put in place, because of my strong journaling practice. Every morning, no matter the weather, I start my day pencil at hand conversing with my journal. Although I’m really conversing with myself, actually.

It started in 2018 after I graduated from King’s College in London, and found a job working for a yacht broker in Athens, Greece. We were on a trip abroad on one of his boats and so our team adapted to his daily schedule. At 6 am sharp, we were all up on the deck meditating for 1 hour, before working out together and eating breakfast on time for our first check-in at 9. I struggled so much in the beginning, starting a meditation practice like that. I had so many rushing thoughts and ideas, I just couldn’t detach from them. They carried me back home and to weird places, and not once did I find peace in those moments. Naomi, a colleague at the time who became like a sister later on, had been gifted 2 ‘6-Minute Journal’s, one for her and one for our boss. He disregarded the practice with such disinterest, it found its way to me instead. And so I started and ended my days in writing, 3 minutes in the morning and 3 at night. The book recommended journaling for 60 days in a row. 6 years later I’ve got countless notebooks teeming with memories and lessons and secrets and revelations. Adventures and heartbreaks. Moments of gratitude and instants of pain. Confusions and confessions. The whole rollercoaster of emotions that life brings, all on paper. 6 years of my life recorded in writing, and still counting.

I always speak fondling about this practice but I never try to impose it on anyone. I understand that we’re all different, and what has worked with me might not work for others. But I can say without a doubt that it has changed my life. Not overnight, but bit by bit, everyday. In every encounter with my journal, because every moment I nurture this habit, I’m nurturing my relationship to self. A journal is as its best a mirror, but it has been my therapist, my friend, my inner child, my mentor.

When people ask me how it impacts me, I usually reply simply. It gives me perspective. We have so much negative self-talk as young girls journeying into adulthood, with insecurities, destructive thoughts…. the list goes on. I used to overthink a lot, and all that activity took place all day, everyday, all in one spot. I never allowed it to leave my mind because I was so ashamed. So the first thing journaling does is offer a second home for all that ‘stuff’. It doesn’t need to occupy your mind as much because it’s been put on paper. Not only does that leave space for more positive thoughts to come through, but suddenly your relationship to it has altered entirely. Instead of hearing it in your head on repeat, as I used to in my youth, it’s written plainly in front of your eyes, black on white. And I promise you, most of it looks quite ridiculous when it’s out.

Another thing is, with time and experience, I’m aware that how I feel about a triggering situation coming up in my life is usually not how I truly feel. It brings up things from the past that make me react in ways I am not always proud of. I’ve taken the habit of discussing things in length with myself by written before re-acting. So journaling forces me to have patience, take time, self-enquire the why’s and how’s of my challenges. I can bring these elements under the microscope of my notebook and try to make sense of it. Only when I have properly studied them do I allow myself to respond, this time from a place of detachment and serenity.

There are a few simple tools that are VITAL to adopt when journaling, so your notebook or journal doesn’t just become a place where you vent and complain. Our words have so much power, and when you write them down they become so more potent. I cannot emphasise enough just how much. How many times I found myself facing in reality words and ideas I had previously put down on paper. Just like in anything else in life, be careful what you say, and be careful what you wish for.

These tools will guide you in your journaling practice, but they will also support you in life. The first one is gratitude. For the first few years of my journaling practice I used the ‘6-minute Journal’s which I found on Amazon (I would recommend finding another source for these now, but I didn’t have the same awareness back then). The first question they ask you is to write 3 things you are grateful for, today. It can be anything from the roof over your heard, your two legs, a hug your parent gave you, the sunshine that passes through your window in the morning… That’s the first step, but it’s also the most important. Taking time to note down things you’re grateful for takes us out of this constant rat race towards things we don’t have. The more you train your brain to notice the things you have, and cultivate that mindset of gratitude, the more perspective you’ll have at hand when things don’t go your way. And it goes hand in hand with the second tool, which is finding lessons and revelations and meaning in all arising adversity. It’s so easy to stay stuck on a problem, complaining complaining… what takes real courage and work though, is to be proactive and solution-oriented. “There are no problems, only solution”, is the kind of attitude that will get you far in life. This one I owe to my life and business partner.

I have never felt the need to find a therapist or psychiatrist to support me. And I guess that’s because I receive all the guidance I need from my journal. Not only does it act like a poignant mirror, but I find clarity hidden between the lines of my stories. Our lives are made up of stories. Since the start of our humanity we have been telling and sharing and listening to stories. Narratives play a huge part on what role we play in our lives and how we show up in them. If someone believes a story that they are a victim of their circumstances, chances are they won’t ever have control of authority over their life. Not until they change their internal narrative. I repeatedly tell myself stories that I know offer me a hand of support, and I can find these in the pages of my journal. Obviously, we all get sidetracked time to time, but reviewing my pages frequently helps me stick to my path.

Finally, a little bonus Is the image of myself in my 80s or 90s, with little memory left but thousands of pages of memories at hand for my own entertainment. What a gift I am making my future self in this way, an opportunity to relive my life, day to day, with all the hiccups and successes, adventures and boredoms, ecstasy and broken hearts….

Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?

I am a woman of many arts and craft. I have a musical background, a strong spiritual practice, experience in marketing, PR, and event production, an artistic eye that extends to drawing, painting, ceramics etc. as well as a passion for movement and dance and nature and adventure. I do many things today, from writing to web design to sound meditations to song writing and musical performances. I work with charities and for larger companies. I run women circles and run events at a beach club. I am both a dedicated lover and passionate adventurer. I like to live in my polarities, and whenever people as me which I would choose if I had to, I respond that I would not choose. Neither would satisfy my needs enough. As a result it’s sometimes difficult to pin me down, although now around Lisbon people do start to know me for my work with casa reîa as well as my work with sound. I think at my core I am a giver and a carer, I really love seeing the impact my writing or my music has on the people to receive it. I think I gain more pleasure from giving than taking, and in fact it’s been a real journey stepping into my light with all the imposter syndrome and insecurities and fears. But it’s thanks to the strong web or sisters and brothers and extended family holding me up that I was / am able to overcome all that.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?

This is a tough one. I guess my maturity and emotional intelligence and observation skills would be the first. I wouldn’t be able to tell you where I got them, or which distinct elements of my upbringing triggered their growth, but I know they have helped me navigate through life, and they have got me to where I am today. I’m not particularly academic, or intellectual, although I am extremely curious and love to learn and I’m already asking questions to better my understanding of the world, but I am a generally logical, and ‘street smart’, as they call it. More than a skill I think it becomes an attitude, a tool to help you move forward and overcome challenges. Actually it goes hand in hand with my positive attitude. I guess thanks to my gratitude practice and journaling, I’ve managed to develop a potent positive mindset about life, and myself. That also means I tend to see the good in people and can be disappointed when people don’t live up to these expectations. But overall, it means I don’t fluff the small stuff and keep an eye on where I’m heading. And I don’t break down when I meet challenges on the road. I think that’s been the most impactful tool. Even when facing overwhelming adversity, I have a positive and pro-active attitude. Life is filled with various obstacles and adversities. That’s just a fact. So the only (and most important? thing you can do if learn to bounce back up from them. My boyfriend calls this a ‘can do’ attitude. He basically only hires people who has this trait. He often told me there are 2 types of people (or employees). Those who come to you with the problem, and those who come to you with the solution. I guess I owe this to him. I know now to bother him with an issue unless I have tried everything in my power to solve it by myself. I notice myself admiring people like this too now, and can be hard on friends or relative who I perceive as just ‘lazying around’. Finally, although these all come together quite nicely, I have done a lot of research and reading and personal study into mindfulness practices, into stoicism, philosophy, wabi-sabi, zen buddhism, etc. These are the subjects that fascinate me the most, and I feel they are a kind of wisdom that will dissipate to all the various areas of your life. Your relationship with the world, your relationship with others, and your relationship with yourself.

To close, maybe we can chat about your parents and what they did that was particularly impactful for you?

I think weirdly the most impactful thing my parents did for me was to give me so much freedom and absence from restraint that I just had to learn to regulate myself. I was always allowed out, hardly ever grounded, and always had friends and boyfriends over at the house. I was also left alone often in the house, left to my own devices. So I didn’t often get any ‘no’s from either. My father wasn’t around much, and my mother had her hands full. So I really felt free as a child. With friends we would run out through the back of my garden in late Spring afternoons and go roam around the fields and rivers behind our town. I would disappear for hours often with no consequence or punishment. I stayed over at friends’ and boyfriends. I went about my little life like I knew the world entirely. My mum’s strategy, developed over years of conflict with my father, was to become our friend. At first I believe it was a way to keep us close. I think she tried to bring us to her side as revenge to my father for not being loyal or present. It was a logical enough strategy, considering the lack of tools and resources about parenting she had at the time, although I don’t think she ever really contemplated the result it would have on us girls. I’m not even sure she was conscious of what she was doing in fact. But as a result, she gave me all the freedom in the world. And in exchange, I just had to be truthful and open with her. I remember when I first had sex with my boyfriend at the time, I had shared this secret with a friend of mine, who thought to speak to her mother, who eventually called my mum and told her. I remember this day like it was yesterday. Mum came into my room asking to talk to me. There was no yelling, no grounding, no telling off of any sort. Just a mum and her daughter sitting on the bed, holding hands, and crying. She told me she thought we were close enough friends that I would share these things with her. She told me she was hurt by this. We hugged and made up and that was that. I never lied to her about my sex life, or hid anything from her for that matter. She offered feedback and advice time to time, but mostly she just wanted to know. I’m not sure how I would act as a mother to a daughter today, but in all honesty this wasn’t a bad call. Since there were no limits to my behaviour I had to be the responsible one. Noone would tell me off when I crossed limits, so I had to figure out the limits for myself. I had no choice but to grow up and learn from my mistakes since I was the one making the decisions in my life. As a result, I have been quite independent since an early age, and I matured quickly. Most of my friends have a half decade more of age than me, if not more, and I feel somewhat alienated among people my age.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: @soundwithmelody

Image Credits

Mariana Alegra
Matheus Aleixo