We were lucky to catch up with Adam Kirby recently and have shared our conversation below.
Adam, we’re thrilled to have you sharing your thoughts and lessons with our community. So, for folks who are at a stage in their life or career where they are trying to be more resilient, can you share where you get your resilience from?
Nearly ten years ago, I died and came back. I was a newly minted UT graduate continuing my Spanish language immersion in Sámara, Costa Rica. Halfway through my stay, I got very sick. There was only one doctor in this little beach town, but he knew something was seriously wrong. It was more than just dehydration. He referred me to Dr. Manuel Rojas, an internal medicine specialist in the Capital. I went alone with no support. When I got to his practice, Dr. Rojas examined me and told me to immediately check into Hospital Clínica Biblica.
Private medical care in Costa Rica costs only a fraction of what is charged for the same care in the United States, but Clínica Biblica required a cash deposit. I handed over every dollar I brought with me, but it wasn’t enough. I was about to panic. I was almost turned away, but Dr. Rojas happened to be walking by the desk in that same desperate moment. I called out to him in a shaky voice, uncertain of my Spanish grammar. I explained the situation as best I could, and asked him for his help. Dr. Rojas replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Anything is possible!’ then he disappeared to speak with the administrators behind the scenes.
After what felt like an eternity, they finally agreed to admit me. The tests revealed that I had a heart tumor. I needed immediate open-heart surgery. It was too dangerous for me to return home, so with my family’s support, I had the surgery at Hospital Clínica Biblica in San José. I was given Artivion, Inc.’s On-X aortic heart valve, manufactured right here in Austin, Texas, which I will have for the rest of my life.
Being too sick to travel turned out to be a blessing, because I didn’t have health insurance back home. But my recovery was not at all smooth. One of the antibiotics triggered a massive seizure. Half of my diaphragm was paralyzed. My chest cavity filled with blood and I needed a second surgery two weeks later, where they drained out nearly a liter from my body. I was fully conscious when they pulled the drains from under my sternum and the wire from my heart.
I am first and foremost, an artist. My way of processing my emotional reality is to write songs. My perspective on life, along with all of life’s priorities, inevitably shifted after my near-death experience in that warm, exotic land. While on bed rest, I had nothing else to do but write music, and it came pouring out of me.
I wrote ‘Ribcage’, and recorded it the following year. It tells the story of my grueling emotional journey into and out of that existential turning point in my life. I’m now ready to fully tell this story to the world through the production of the official music video, which filmed in June, and we are now wrapping up post-production. As burnt out as I am on that song for the moment, I am very enthusiastic about the video release. After seeing my story told in surreal images, I hope viewers come away with a shift in perspective regarding the value of human life – their own, and the lives of others. Life is a beautiful gift, and one can always find a deeper level of gratitude for every moment of life on this earth.
Coming back to your question regarding the source of my resilience, it would undoubtedly be this health journey I lived through in Costa Rica. The event was my physical reset, and it has paved the way for a subsequent and profound emotional reset, the likes of which I wouldn’t have been ready for otherwise. Because when everything stops, you come back different. All of the countless concerns which consume time and energy suddenly become inconsequential. You cease worrying so much about things you can’t control. You realize that the world will keep on turning without you. There is always a greater depth to gratitude, no matter how dark you feel. And, indeed, anything is possible, including a second act in life.
I would add to the above my regard for the evolution in how I understand and process fear. A part of my resilience would have to come from my awareness that we only experience fear when we drift from our presence in the Now. There is only the Now. When we aren’t aligned, we either dwell in the past for refuge or out of a refusal to surrender, or we worry ourselves to death over possible events that may not even come to pass. A failure to live in the Now is one of the most understated and least understood human failings, and I think the exercise of human resilience is at least in part tied in with being able to remain in the Now despite the turbulence of human existence. There is no fear in the Now. Resilience is found where fear recedes.
I can’t speak from a clinical point of view with respect to the origins or purpose of fear as a human experience, but I do strongly remember that I was the most preoccupied with the question of how I would bring my life’s work to a coherent end if I didn’t survive. The Now was happening all around me, whether I wanted it to or not. It was like being on a ride. The ‘Now’ of it wasn’t scary at all – death is only a moment we all pass through when that future event catches up to the Now. We aren’t in control of it. I wasn’t present in the Now at all in the lead up to my surgeries, and it was a source of great anxiety, even terror. I look back on that version of myself and consider him to be unevolved compared to where and who I am now.
As far as our works are concerned, there will always be some material venture left unfinished when we depart. So, my question is, why try to panic your way through a hasty and hurried frenzy? You either finish something or you don’t. All of our works deserve to be cultivated with their due care and attention. You’re going to leave things behind. It’s inevitable, so don’t sweat it. That’s a part of resilience too – being able to let go when you need to.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
After my health reset and recovery, I was ready to resume my journey as a creative soul, but I needed to pick my landing spot. I explored Nashville for about a week, and found many aspects of that city to be very desirable. But ultimately, Nashville is more of a player’s town, as well as the seat of ‘corporate’ country music, with its coterie of taste makers, contract writers and hopeful young talent in need of a brand to be built around them. I wasn’t a whiz on guitar or fiddle and I don’t play other people’s songs, for the most part. Nashville wasn’t going to work for me because I write in my own original style, and my works fall into a space that spans progressive rock to post-americana. There was some alternative music in Nashville, but not enough to really do what I wanted, artistically.
Austin, on the other hand, had exactly what I needed: Austin is a career incubator for anyone with an original style and vision who wants to get their grind on. It’s daunting and often demoralizing trying to get noticed here, but all the infrastructure exists – venues of all kinds, songwriting workshops, networking meetups, enthusiastic and inquisitive audiences, you name it. I’ve resided in Austin since early 2017 and have performed and recorded with several bands. My own creative solo project known as ‘Charlie Marlow’ has been steadily growing in the midst of it all. The best way to follow my work would be my Instagram: @charliemarlowofficial. The finished short film for ‘Ribcage’ will be published on my YouTube channel in September, 2024. https://www.youtube.com/@charliemarlowofficial
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
First would be my emotional intensity, without which I would probably be making really bad art. I can find ways of expressing emotions that are very visceral, which is necessary, not only for the sake of my own sanity but also, I believe it separates the art with enduring qualities from art that is anemic, meager, or of dubious relevance to anyone on a personal level. I find it satisfying to essentially be able to say ‘Yeah this fucked up thing happened to me or to someone else, or it’s happening to us all right now, open your eyes!’ and surprise people, make them think, maybe make them uncomfortable. That’s what art is supposed to do. My catch phrase is ‘Turn your ears into eyes’, which I mash up with the iconography of Medusa – you want to survive the predators in this world? Do what you have to do to shift your perspective, or you’ll be turned to stone, devoured, exploited. You get the idea.
Secondly, I would say a huge resource for me is the fact that I’ve just been doing music for a really long time. I really understand songwriting as a process, even though from a certain point of view, I look back on my finished works and think, ‘How the hell did I do that?’ It’s always a mystery to me when a song comes through. There’s a magical component to it that I don’t really understand, because I believe there is a divine element to it. Something is coming through from a place beyond three dimensional reality, something to which we as artists somehow can attune ourselves. Bootsy Collins calls it ‘getting a transmission’ and I think that’s dead on. My advice to any younger artists is just go out and get the mileage. Get the experience. Suck for years. Find out what starts to work. Then you’ll inevitably find yourself bringing better and better art into the world. Go for the quality. And don’t do it for anyone except yourself, first.
Third, effective communication has been an invaluable part of my journey, artistically and just in general. Communication skills are like any other skill set. It takes practice, refinement, and a lot of mistakes to get good, to anticipate problems, and to be able to talk through them in real time. A lot of this skill came from becoming an effective writer at an early age and maintaining in a professional setting – being able to deliver clear prose with a well cultivated vocabulary. Practicing getting to the point succinctly on paper has translated well into real-time verbal communication.
All the wisdom you’ve shared today is sincerely appreciated. Before we go, can you tell us about the main challenge you are currently facing?
By far, my number one challenge to overcome is my self-doubt. The negative inner voice is always the loudest voice for me. I’m not sure if that’s how it is for everyone, or if it’s the result of my own particular psychological programming. I won’t delve too deeply into my family background, but I will say that when you’re raised by someone who was overwhelmed by their own negative voice long before you’re even born, it is kind of like a family curse. You subconsciously adopt the psychology of your parents, in mannerisms, in outlook. It’s not just genetics, but also learned behavior. Learned helplessness is a concept I’ve explored in my lyrics. I don’t think anyone can distinguish the limits or boundaries between what’s learned, and what’s congenital, but I can say in my case that a lot of my negative programming came out of my childhood and growing up with the absolutely wretched example of someone who has completely given up and is consumed by their own shame.
Undoing or rewriting that bad code is what I was referring to earlier as my ’emotional reset’. In its own way, it was harder and scarier to deal with than my open heart surgery. The way you have to administer care to a burn victim is to scrape away the burnt, dying flesh to get down to the undamaged layers of tissue. Imagine how painful and grotesque a process that would be in order to properly heal. Being able to talk through my deep programming with someone possessing a ton of empathy and insight felt just as grotesque and horrible in an emotional way, but it’s allowed me to finally start properly healing my soul. That destructive inner voice will always be there, but I now have tools to put it in its proper framework. The key is to try to touch the emotion of what your life would feel like if you were fully optimized, and fulfilling your destiny. Easier said than done, and I’m nowhere near where I want to be.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://linktr.ee/charliemarlow
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/charliemarlowofficial/
- Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrlmrlw
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@charliemarlowofficial
Image Credits
Press shot (in the cowboy hat):
©2023 by Nick Barnes nickbarnes.co
Long haired sound studio group shots with Corpus Fusion watermark:
©2024 Robert Cantu
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