Meet Avika Penaloza

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Avika Penaloza. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Avika, we are so deeply grateful to you for opening up about your journey with mental health in the hops that it can help someone who might be going through something similar. Can you talk to us about your mental health journey and how you overcame or persisted despite any issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.

As a screenwriter and storyteller, I know that art is life. And art gives life.

I live with bipolar disorder 2. Meaning I have major depressive episodes studded with what is called hypomania. In 2018, the depression worsened. Kate Spade, the fashion designer, hung herself. Three days later, Anthony Bourdain hung himself. Their suicides hit me between the eyes. I was emboldened and I set about to research how I could successfully hang myself. Fortunately, I was hospitalized immediately. But that didn’t stop me. I attempted hanging by a rolled-up bed sheet.

By April of 2019, I emerged from the hospital but found that all I could do was sleep. I was unable to move because of the crippling depression. I surrounded myself with the art of Frida Kahlo, feeling a kinship to her pain and her unique style. At the same time, and by pure chance, I heard of an astounding 19th Century English lesbian diarist named Anne Lister and her wife, Ann Walker. Their lives and loves were to be featured in an HBO show called “Gentleman Jack”. Anne Lister was something of a dynamo, and her diary, written in code, told stories of her business ventures and romantic encounters with women. “Gentleman Jack” details one of those romantic liaisons, that with Ann Walker, a woman eleven years her junior. I was intrigued. I mustered up every ounce of courage and energy to sit up and watch the show unfold. It hurt to be awake, but I rose from my paralysis to watch it. As a lesbian, seeing myself represented on screen was bigger than life and I felt hope for those brief moments.

The show, created by Sally Wainwright, concluded with a magical episode, but soon thereafter, my severe depression worsened. I was mandated back to the hospital. This time, my doctors decided that my depression was “malignant.” As a last resort, I underwent ECT, which is Electroconvulsive therapy, also known as shock therapy. Every other day, I was wheeled up to this suite where I would go under anesthesia and receive the shock treatment. Believe me, I was terrified.

But I would say to myself, what would Anne Lister advise me to do? What would Ann Walker, who herself battled mental illness, tell me how to feel? How would Frida paint my fear? In all cases, they would tell me to soldier on and to have some courage. That braced me for the procedures. Every single time I went into that operating room, I looked to Anne Lister, Ann Walker and Frida Kahlo and I got myself through 22 treatments over the course of 4 months.

These women didn’t just change my life, they gave me life. I ask myself why. The answer is that representation is everything. It’s lifesaving, life reaffirming, life-giving. Stories about women by women need to be told for our very survival. Change the storyteller, change the world.
I was transported to a safe place, a place where a woman said to the world, “Be fierce! Be strong! Rise above it!” Rise above it. You see, I wasn’t grappling with coming out at that time in my life. I was grappling with coming alive. And to stay alive, I clung to what I could to keep me above ground. And again and again, it was these three women that made the difference.

I joined Facebook groups, read Lister’s diaries and immersed myself in Kahlo’s art. The new communities kept me engaged with zoom groups and I made many new friends. I was literally coming back to life because of Frida Kahlo and “Gentleman Jack”.

Suddenly, I desired to do more, and this gave me a huge opportunity to set myself on a path toward a solid goal. I told myself that in a year, I would be at Anne Lister’s home: Shibden Hall in Halifax, England. Starting with baby steps, I doubled up my therapy, walked every day, went to the pool, meditated, prayed, did workbooks, yoga, and found methods to handle my anxiety. Then I shocked myself. I reached out to friends and finally was able to trust a few with the dirty little secret that I was battling mental illness. (I can just hear Anne right now telling me, “You are not an invalid!”) I imagined Ann Walker saying “go on fearlessly” to me and I felt her spirit wash over me.

As a storyteller, I’m supposed to be an interpreter of the world. As an artist, I’m supposed to make sense of a nonsensical world. But coming out as mentally ill terrified me. It’s a secret not to be shared. But I am now tired of covering it up. These three amazing women compelled me forward. I will no longer live in shame. I am a survivor and a warrior! And maybe, just maybe, I can save another person’s life the way these three women saved mine. Telling my story is worth a life.

And as a writer, I’ve been bolstered in my art and craft to go on fearlessly and tell the truth. I push out my authentic voice and the voices of my own characters. I live with this illness, and I’ve accepted that fact. But my motto today is “Be Life!” because I rise up every day, and I write, and I create, and I draw, and I sing, and I swim, and I walk. Simple gestures to some, but to me, lifesaving. Through art, we find meaning and inspiration as we watch characters fulfill their journeys. Engaging with them benefits us with the courage to go on for one more day.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have been successful at hanging myself. I was determined. Without hesitation, I tell you, in the simplest of terms, that I am alive because of many things (doctors, friends, family, pets, music) but Ann Walker, Anne Lister and Frida Kahlo were my greatest inspirations.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

I am a screenwriter who writes across genres with a portfolio of diverse scripts featuring strong female leads. I just received a grant from the New York Foundation of the Arts to produce my short film, “Awakening Georgie.” It’s about a minor miracle after a major trauma. Second in a trilogy of films about my Mexican family, it’s inspired by George Lopez, my brother-in-law, who fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of a dark stretch of highway in the Arizona desert. He spent months in a coma. For 3 months after, he shuffled, grunted, and went unshaven with long, greasy hair, staples and a shunt in his skull. Then, one day, my sister, Rebecca, decided he was well enough to get a haircut. This story, now with a female protagonist, takes place on the day of that haircut and how in a few magical moments, Georgie begins the slow climb back to normalcy.

In the 10-minute story, her light skinned wife and mother-in-law accompany Georgie to a Mexican barbershop where their personalities touch the patrons inside. As we see Georgie transform from the haircut, we hear and see a conversation and actions from two light skinned Mexican women and three dark-skinned Mexican patrons. By the end of the transformational haircut, all Mexicans present are also transformed and united regardless of class, sexual orientation, and skin color.

Deeply influenced by the Day of the Dead and Frida Kahlo, I have peppered Awakening Georgie with moments of magical realism that define so much of Mexican culture today. Liberado, the barber, snips each strand of hair with delicate precision as the shop was filled with the tension of the task. We plan to highlight this tension with the real life feel of a handheld camera as we follow each snip and capture the distinct sound of the scissors over George’s heartbeat. In the background, Georgie’s mother-in-law, the charismatic Gloria, holds court with two illegal immigrants, describing not only Georgie’s accident, but the ascent of her own father from illegal immigrant to a man of many children who transcended the American Dream. What’s created is a multi-layered cinematic moment in film that weaves the narrative of the accident, the sounds of the blades, young immigrants, and the restoration of a woman and her soul. It’s Mexican magic on film.

Art saves and preserves culture. This film gives voice to the unique Mexican culture, recounts the harsh reality of
traumatic brain injury (TBI), and uplifts the LGBTQ+ community. Voicing stories about Mexicans directly preserves a rich cultural heritage. Another strength of “Awakening Georgie” is its strong statement on the importance of family, community, and healing from TBI. Such a film will ensure and preserve the Mexican cultural heritage for the generations to come and impact the social atmosphere. This is a magical, diverse film about transformation. This uplifting script sends a compelling visual message that Mexicans, people with disabilities and LGBTQ+ folks are at a momentous time in American history and are a part of the fabric of America.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?

Tenacity, courage and fearlessness. These three qualities lead me to the person I am today.

Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?

“Charlotte’s Web” continues to be an inspirational book. It’s not just a child’s story. In it are pearls of wisdom about life and death, about value and human values. Charlotte, the spider, fearlessly saves the life of her beloved friend, Wilbur by allowing people to see his value. In so doing, she not only saves his life in one final act, but she allows him to see his own self worth. It’s a beautiful story of self-sacrifice and value.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.akivapenaloza.com
• Instagram: @iamkeevz
• Twitter: @iamkeevz