Meet Brian Stanton

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Brian Stanton a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Brian, first a big thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights with us today. I’m sure many of our readers will benefit from your wisdom, and one of the areas where we think your insight might be most helpful is related to imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is holding so many people back from reaching their true and highest potential and so we’d love to hear about your journey and how you overcame imposter syndrome.

The imposter haunts me consistently, so it would be dishonest of me to say I have completely overcome this syndrome. There is, however, a continuous conversation I maintain with the imposter part inside me because I am honestly and complicatedly both grateful and regretful for this syndrome as it has helped and hurt me. As an adopted person, I literally became an imposter immediately after birth. Instead of going into my mother’s arms and family and tribe and community, I was pulled away and placed with a different mother and family and tribe and community. For the first few months, a foster mother cared for this bawling, screaming, colic infant whose gut-brain axis was trying to make sense of and survive a strange, new environment. I clearly did something wrong in the womb to where my own mother could not accept me. I don’t belong with her, so how can I belong anywhere? That’s when the imposter first introduced itself, gave me some masks and tools to survive, and by the time I was placed into my adoptive family, I became the “happy baby who never cried,” according to my adoptive mother. So from the very beginning, I mastered the art of people-pleasing, of adapting, of fitting in to any environment in which I was thrust becoming a genuine, professional chameleon. I admit some positives came from these imposter survival coping mechanisms: top notch social skills, ability to make friends with just about anyone no matter culture or background, build a talent as an actor (surprise!) making a living in the theatre and, most of all, maintain long-term family/friend relationships keeping rejections at a minimum. As socially acceptable as the chameleon made me, I had no sense of my true, essential self. The imposter had me believe that my true self was a naughty child with no value; the proof was my mother’s relinquishment of me, her first son. I was an imposter to my own mother, so I’m an imposter to the whole world. My fear of being alone where I would have to sit with that naughty, wounded, abandoned child within was so overpowering, I constantly over-committed myself to keep extra busy bouncing from friend to friend, event to event, job to job casting a wide, thin net. I counteracted the guilt I carried with extra kindness and compassion for everyone else but myself. Meanwhile, I concealed and suppressed my anger and grief. If I shared any of my truth, my real feelings and revealed who I really was, I would be ridiculed, bullied, shunned and abandoned. The imposter helped me survive, but the imposter would finally meet the wounded, abandoned child face to face. I reunited with my birthmother at 23 years old. Yes, I felt like an imposter in my own biological family! I wanted to feel so close, but I didn’t have that immediate feeling that I always imagined. I was thrilled to finally meet my mother, but I wasn’t sure I belonged. When we met, she revealed to me that I was conceived through a gang rape at a high school party. Now I felt as if I was a horrible accident, an imposter to all the world! I was born of a monster, a terrifying burden to my mother, an imposter in her belly! However, when we met, my mother expressed so much love for me and revealed she did not want to surrender me to adoption. Her parents made her relinquish me because society just isn’t kind to young, unmarried pregnant women. The fact that she loved me brought me comfort and reassurance. The reunion was a beautiful and challenging experience that had me on an emotional rollercoaster for months experiencing feelings I never knew existed. For 7 days, I would cry out of the blue and have no idea why. The only safe way I knew how to explore this experience and these feelings was in the theatre. Ironically, being a professional chameleon ultimately saved me; my work in the theatre playing characters, wearing masks and exploring emotions finally unearthed my wounded child and revealed my truth. At 35 years old, I premiered my original solo play titled “BLANK,” exploring identity and what my adoption means to me. The title really says it all, literally referring to the name space on my original birth certificate, but metaphorically referring to the hole inside me where any sense of self should be. The imposter tried preventing me from creating this piece of art for a good 7 years. The imposter told me I wasn’t a writer, that I have no idea what I’m doing producing my own theatrical piece, that no one cares about what I have to say, that audiences and critics would reject me, that I have no value as an original theatre artist. The imposter advised me to safely stick with other people’s scripts, other people’s words, other people’s ideas. Finally exhausted by this lifelong masquerade, I somehow gathered the courage to silence the imposter. I told the imposter that I simply have a goal to write and perform my own solo show and to share my own story in an honest, creative way. I told the imposter that I am ok with failure here as long as I fulfill my goal of performing my own original piece of art. I thanked the imposter for its concern and for wanting to keep me safe. I then politely asked the imposter to please step aside and allow my wounded, abandoned child to finally speak, to finally reveal himself and express his true feelings for the first time. “BLANK” premiered in Hollywood in the Spring of 2010 running for 8 weeks, then continued on for a decade traveling and performing in theatres all over the US & Canada including off-Broadway, festivals and for foster/adoption awareness organizations garnering awards and critical acclaim along the way. The experience of performing my own story as a piece of art showed me the healing power of theatre for both the audience and myself as the artist. I became actively involved in the foster/adoption community lending support and helping to spread awareness and education. During this time, even though I had pushed away any desire to know my father, I realized knowing the entire truth about my history was important to my mental health, and I decided to search and confirm who exactly my father is. My monster fantasy of my paternal lineage was unhealthy, so I needed to ground the ghost. I embarked on a long journey reaching out to people that I thought were my father or related to my father based on hunches and memories from my mother. I was definitely an imposter to them as I made phone calls, sent emails and facebook messages. Emotionally exhausted continuously speaking to people that wanted nothing to do with me and hitting dead-ends, the imposter was pleading me to stop the search. Finally, I stumbled upon a man who had nothing to do with the gang rape, but did indeed have a double date with my mother soon after the horrible event at the high school party. My mother had completely forgotten about this man, and it turns out he’s my father! For 23 years, I lived believing a horror story about my conception that ended up not being my story after all! The story itself was an imposter! Either way, I was elated to finally meet the other half of my ancestral history, my identity. Knowing the truth, no matter pleasant or unpleasant, is so important as it brings you closer to your true, essential self putting the imposter at bay. Fortunately, this man embraced me, and I continue to hold a relationship with he and his family. I once again fought the imposter and wrote another script exploring the emotional realities and personal significance of the search for biological relatives inspired, of course, by the almost 10 years of searching for my father titled “@ghostkingdom” (spelled as typed and pronounced as “at ghost kingdom’). COVID prevented “@ghostkingdom” from showing in the theatres, so I decided to film the piece. The imposter, of course, returned saying it’s too much work because I know nothing about filming, that no one will watch it, that no one cares about this story, but I once again asked the imposter to step aside. “@ghostkingdom” won 3 film festival awards, screened at several foster/adoption awareness conferences and is currently available on Vimeo.com. Turns out the imposter was wrong on all accounts! There is value in my voice, in my story and in my self. In fact, there is value in each one of us, and there is value in expressing each of our experiences. Healing begins with embracing and telling our stories. By honestly expressing our stories either publicly or individually, we can truly begin to understand ourselves in this world, and we quickly realize we are in fact not alone. The imposter has us believing we are alone with our struggles and challenges and convinces us we need to be someone other than we are in order to fit in and succeed in life. When the imposter syndrome is in control, our genuine self with dreams of infinite possibility lies dormant deep inside, so there’s no true experience of life. When the imposter is no longer in charge, our essential self wakes with infinite possibilities experiencing life and expressing our beautiful, unique selves. The fact is we are never alone, so when we courageously express our true selves and unique stories, opportunistic doors open, people with similar experiences and like-minds appear and finally the imposter goes to sleep. Of course, the imposter still arises today, but I am now fully aware of its presence and can engage in an honest conversation with it. I can now sit alone knowing that there is value in me simply being. I believe it’s important to have compassion for the imposter part because they care for me and want to protect me. As I said above, I do have social skills thanks to the imposter, but the days of hiding, wearing masks and being the people-pleasing adoptee are over. With all my fear of abandonment, giving into the imposter actually caused me to abandon myself. So I thank the imposter for wanting to protect me, but I no longer want to abandon myself. I tell the imposter that the wounded, abandoned child finally expressed himself and has now grown up. I tell the imposter that rejection and failure no longer matter as long as I continue experiencing life to the fullest and honestly expressing my whole, genuine self. I tell the imposter I want to live!

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

I was born, adopted and raised in Kansas City. Fortunately, I was raised in a great, supportive environment filled with love. Even though I had this fortune, I felt a large, empty hole inside, like I was missing something very important about myself. My adoptive mother said that I always inquired about my birth mother at a very young age. Two things can be true at once: I can love my adoptive family, AND I can have the desire to search and understand my roots. It is every person’s right to know their ancestors, and their history should never be erased. I did find and meet both my birthmother and birthfather. The story is a long, wild, emotional rollercoaster ride with many twists & turns, but I do have a special relationship with both of them. My experience as an adoptee has informed much of my life including my career as an actor. Adoptees are also known as “adaptees” or chameleons because we do our best to fit in to avoid rejection and abandonment. We are natural actors, so I turned that into a career. I first received my BFA in theatre at Texas Christian University, then I moved to Los Angeles in 1997 to dive deeper into the conservatory acting program at California Institute of the Arts. Three important and exciting things happened in 2000, 1) I received my MFA from CalArts, 2) I co-founded the exciting, experimental non-profit theatre company Lone Star Ensemble (LA Times 2004 “Faces to Watch”) and 3) I married my current wife with whom I have 2 amazing daughters. I still live and make a living as a stage actor in Los Angeles, Culver City to be specific. In 2010, I premiered my award-winning, critically acclaimed, original solo play “BLANK,” exploring identity and telling the true story of my adoption, and traveled for a decade performing all over the US and up in Canada. I believe telling our stories in creative ways is incredibly healing and inspiring. When we express our experiences, we understand life just a tad more. Telling our stories also reminds us and others that no one is really alone. In 2021, I continued artistically sharing my experience by writing another play exploring the emotional realities of the search for biological relatives based on my own search for my father titled “@ghostkingdom” (pronounced “at ghost kingdom”). It was set for an Off-Broadway premiere at Theatre Row in October of 2020. Alas, COVID closed theatres, so, after some tweaking to the script making it more camera friendly, my wife and I picked up our iPhones and filmed the piece in our apartment. The film with same title “@ghostkingdom” won a few festival awards and screened for several adoption awareness organizations. It is currently available for rent on Vimeo.com. I have been and continue to be actively involved with the foster/adoption community helping to spread awareness and education regarding the emotional realities & challenges of being an adopted person and how we can improve the adoption system altogether. Most importantly, by telling my story through the medium of theatre & film, I have experienced firsthand the healing magic of art, not only for audiences but also for the artists themselves. Because of this experience and my training at CalArts, I believe theatre is a holistic art that has tremendous healing ability by using the body, voice, mind & spirit. Therefore, I am currently creating a business offering acting classes & workshops that will approach the art of acting as a creative means for personal development. I plan on partnering with wellness practitioners and bridging that world with the art of Theatre. This business is in the genesis phase of development, but my goal is to have the first classes offered at the top of 2025. (I’m doing my best to keep the “imposter” at bay!!) My acting school is called Psychetheatrics, loosely translated as “Theatre of the Soul.” Website, logo and instagram page are currently under construction, but keep your eyes peeled, @psychetheatrics & psychetheatrics.com.
Also professionally, my voice can currently be heard on the WWII historical fiction podcast titled “On the Tinsel Front” as the lead character Ollie, available on all podcast platforms. If you’re near the Los Angeles area, I will be performing in a silly, fast-paced, spoof of the Agatha Christie murder mystery “Murder on the Links” at the International City Theatre in Long Beach October 16-November 3.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

I believe an honest self-awareness is an extremely important quality & skill. This may sound general and slightly esoteric, but it can help us in so many ways in both our personal and professional lives. A healthy, honest self-awareness helps us see our own strengths, our natural inclinations, what we genuinely enjoy. When we see this, we can best allow the universe to express itself through us, our unique being. It helps us “stay in our own lane” by using and sharing our talents best we can with the world. At the same time, an honest self-awareness can help us realize any limitations or weaknesses. Of course, we should feel comfortable to ask for help, to be educated and surround ourselves with people that help bring balance. An honest self-awareness is about truly listening to ourselves, listening to emotions, thoughts and energies that arise from any given situation. Our bodies and the space around us are constantly communicating, so a strong self-awareness helps us receive those messages and respond appropriately. Honestly, many things come together and fall in place with a healthy self-awareness. Developing and honing your self-awareness is a daily practice and requires honest self-reflection. Some of the many modalities to consider for practice can be meditation, breathwork, yoga, Tai Chi, therapy, Internal Family Systems, journaling and simply confiding in a friend or loved one.

Compassion is a very strong quality, compassion for others but also for yourself. Failing, making mistakes, challenges, hardships, disappointing others and letting yourself down are all a part of living an active life. In fact, we wouldn’t know success if we never experienced failure and experiencing the opposite of what you want to achieve only makes that goal even more desirable, more clear and more significant. So when there’s a setback of any kind, have compassion for your self. Use your skill of self-awareness to understand the setback or challenge or mistake and understand what can be done differently. Then use your skill of compassion to congratulate your self for taking action and trying in the first place, award your self for honest self-criticism and self-reflection, give your self a big supportive hug and get back on that horse to gallop to your goal. The world can be hard enough on us, so there is no need for us to beat ourselves up even further. Compassion for your self in this way will naturally lead to compassion for others experiencing a similar situation. It will help keep a strong, positive morale for your team and partners. Of course, compassion for others will also help you bring your best unique self to others in a supportive, caring way. Others will be more drawn to you and your work when it’s clear you care. Compassion unites us with loving support.

Finally, communication is key. I’m in the business of theatre, of telling stories, of communicating with the mind and body. The more we communicate, the more we understand ourselves and the world around us. Communication eliminates misunderstandings and confusion, aids in solving disputes, clears the air and cuts down on secrets and lies and shame. Communication brings us together with a better, united understanding of situations, goals, ideas, emotions, etc. and helps us move forward in a more clear, healthy way.

What is the number one obstacle or challenge you are currently facing and what are you doing to try to resolve or overcome this challenge?

Honestly, the number one obstacle/challenge currently facing me as I start my new business Psychetheatrics, bridging the wellness industry with the art of Theatre, is my self! This ties in with what I discussed regarding the imposter syndrome, so I guess there’s an overall theme here. Even though I do have experience running a theatre company with Lone Star Ensemble for 12 years, I had help working with a team of people from the very beginning. Right now it’s just me. Eventually, I will certainly enlist help and have a team with whom to work and create, but Psychetheatrics is an idea of mine that I’m planning, mapping and bringing to life on my own right now as a single-member LLC. It feels lonely right now during these first steps. The imposter syndrome has resurfaced, and I’m dealing with issues of confidence, sustained motivation, fear, doubt, distraction, among other things. Admitting this and realizing this with honest self-awareness is the first step. It’s very normal to feel all this when embarking on something new, so having compassion for myself rather than constantly criticizing myself is very helpful. It’s OK to have and sit with these challenging feelings. Understanding what can hold me back is the first step to moving through them and being able to move forward. Communicating with myself and others my goals and ideas has helped me take the steps I need to take in order to get this business up and running. Reminding myself of my past accomplishments such as starting a theatre company, writing and producing my original pieces “BLANK” and “@ghoskingdom” and planning Adoptee Art Festivals helps motivate and reassure me. These past experiences prove the “if you build it, they will come” theory. Whenever I’ve taken action in the past, helpful people crossed my path and doors opened. When you take action and follow your bliss, the universe listens and helps guide you. Of course, you too need to listen to the universe. I actually believe that the biggest obstacle to any progress in the world is our selves. So, I am the biggest challenge. I am the one limiting myself. I am the one holding myself back. Of course, there may be material challenges such as money, but material challenges can be solved even if it calls for some big adjustments. As far as moving forward with the idea itself, I’m the only thing getting in the way with these imposter feelings, so there are times when I just need to get out of my own way. There’s a trust that needs to be acknowledged. There needs to be trust in the self, trust in the idea, trust in instincts built from experience, trust in the passion, trust in help from others and trust in the universe. Joseph Campbell was right when he said in so many words to follow your bliss because, when you do, you’ll notice that the universe will send like-minded people your way and open doors to us that we never realized were there. Get out of your way and take action.

Contact Info:

• Website: thebrianstanton.com & atghostkingdom.com & psychetheatrics.com (currently building)
• Instagram: @thebrianstanton & @atghostkingdom & @psychetheatrics (currently building)
• Facebook: Brian Stanton
• Linkedin: Brian Stanton
• Youtube: Blank clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhwpJtcn6xk
• Other: Vimeo Film link for @ghostkingdom: https://vimeo.com/ondemand/ghostkingdom

Image Credits

1st photo in green shirt showing tattoo – photo courtesy of Jeff Forney