Meet Emily Dunleavy

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Emily Dunleavy. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Emily below.

Emily, thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and lessons with us today. We’re particularly interested in hearing about how you became such a resilient person. Where do you get your resilience from?

When I think of resilience, a myriad of images, words, and stories come to mind. Typically, in our culture, resilience is defined as going through extreme difficulty or adversity without being negatively impacted on a large scale.
And can I just say—what a terrible concept of resilience.
If our strength is based on our ability to endure without being affected, we are set up to fail. We are human beings who are deeply and profoundly impacted by everything we experience. That’s what it means to be human: to be affected by our experiences.

So, if resilience isn’t just pushing through or continuing to smile in the face of great tragedy, then what is it?
Maybe resilience is less about rigid strength and more about tender strength. Aundi Kolber, an author and therapist, writes about this concept, which she terms as being “strong like water”. In Kolber’s understanding (and mine), strength is not about your ability to endure; it’s about your ability to be flexible, gentle, self-considerate, and powerful—all at the same time.

So where do I get my resilience from? Not, primarily, from perseverance, strength, or tenacity. Fundamentally, I get my resilience from the deep, powerful kindness and gentleness I am able to give myself.
I am never more powerful than when I am operating from a place of radical tenderness and self-compassion for both myself and others.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

I am a Mental Health Psychotherapist, providing services to both individuals and couples. I specialize in relationships, sexual concerns, trauma recovery, anxiety, depression, and grief/loss.

I decided to pursue a career as a therapist because I am utterly fascinated by relationships—both with others and with ourselves.
Relationships impact everything we do. Everything we know, we learned through some kind of relationship. Every meaningful life experience, every deepest pain, and every choice we make affects our relationships. While in school to become a therapist, I was taught that we are most hurt in relationships, but we are also most healed in relationships.
And to me, that is the foundation of why I do what I do. For many who have been deeply wounded in relationships, therapy provides both a space to grieve and a space to renew. Whether working with couples or individuals, I want my clients to be able to acknowledge the wounds they have experienced in relationships and also find deep, true healing while developing safe relationships.
I help my clients make sense of their stories and confusing behaviors, supporting them as they begin to cultivate self-compassion. I want each of my clients to experience holistic safety: safety within themselves, safety in their bodies, and safety with others.

The relationships I work with may involve family of origin, chosen family, partners, children, whole families, or even one’s relationship with themselves. When working with families or partners, I develop practical strategies to increase emotional safety and connection. Through simple exercises, handouts, and homework, progress becomes relevant and attainable. Couples and families also learn communication skills, gain insights into how family systems function, and take steps to address conflict.
I often work with clients seeking to heal attachment wounds and enjoy delving into attachment theory, which explores how early relationships shape current ones.

I am known for empowering my clients while validating their real pain, cheering them on as they make meaningful changes, and gently confronting self-sabotaging behaviors—often with a bit of humor. I aim to address not only outward behaviors but also the underlying reasons for them. We can know the right answers without them impacting our feelings or behaviors. I want my clients to understand truth intellectually and experience it in their bodies.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?

I have learned two important lessons that, quite honestly, changed my life. These two lessons are:

1. Productivity does not equal your value or worth.
2. Pushing through and denying emotions does not equal strength.

I learned at a young age to measure my value by how many tasks I accomplished on my to-do list or by how many people I could keep happy. And when I was unable to accomplish the tasks or manage everyone’s emotions, I would try to increase motivation by heaping a fair dose of shame and criticism on myself. If you’ve ever tried that, you know it feels horrible.
Because of this belief, I stayed remarkably busy in all seasons. My calendar was color-coordinated and completely full. I frequently experienced physical illness because I was chronically busy and unable to slow down. From the outside, I looked diligent and productive, but internally, I was fighting a battle to prove my worth and value. All the good, self-disciplined tasks I accomplished were driven by a sort of frantic fear—the fear that if I wasn’t constantly productive and performing, I would no longer be valuable or acceptable.

In addition to this, I subscribed to a certain idea of strength: one that involved tenacity, power, and busyness. I believed being strong meant being unaffected by anything, and that belief became a core value. To be impacted by something felt like failure. As you can probably guess, these two beliefs (always be busy and always push through) created havoc in my life. While I was running as fast as I could to prove my value, I couldn’t recognize the terrible toll it was taking on my health and relationships. I equated strength with stoicism, which prevented me from acknowledging the unbearable levels of stress and anxiety I was experiencing. The belief that strength meant pushing through pain left me disembodied from my experiences and disconnected from reality. My body was screaming at me to stop and slow down, but I couldn’t listen, because I had to be “strong.”

Though these messages were deeply ingrained, through softness and gentleness, I was able to release myself from this heavy pressure. Through my own experience in therapy, I gradually slowed the mad dash of my life. This wasn’t achieved by trying harder, contrary to popular belief, but by offering rest to my poor, tired body. I created space for myself to exist without having to prove anything. I discovered that my worth and value came not from my actions, but intrinsically from my existence as a human being. Value and dignity are my birthright, not an award to earn.

In a surprising turn of events, offering my body gentleness and margin has made me more productive. I have more energy as I operate from a place of wholeness and health, not frantic fear. I now get to choose what I will say yes to and what I will say no to, as I protect my energy.

In case you wondered if I can’t count, the third most important area of knowledge for the therapeutic field is having your own therapist. Without a doubt, hands down, and unequivocally, I believe the most important factor for success in the therapeutic field is having your own therapist.
As a therapist, I have my own therapist. When I tell people this, they often respond with, “Why do you need a therapist? Just look in the mirror!”
However, as convenient as that would be, it unfortunately doesn’t work. As someone who cares for others and sits with them in their pain, I need someone to do the same for me.

How would you describe your ideal client?

When I think of my ideal client, I think of the clients that I work the best with. I envision someone who tends to live in their head—someone who analyzes every thought, action, and emotion until it feels like there’s no room left to just be. They are the over-thinkers, the ones who intellectually understand themselves inside and out, who can articulate the ‘why’ behind every feeling or pattern. Yet, despite all that insight, they feel stuck. Their knowledge doesn’t translate into healing or change, and that can feel deeply frustrating. They’re self-aware but often trapped in cycles of self-criticism or invalidation.

I have a lot of experience and success working with people who have been shaped by trauma, especially relational trauma. They might not always recognize it as trauma, but the way it shows up in their relationships—with themselves and others—is undeniable. They may struggle to access or express their emotions, feeling disconnected or even numb at times. They often hold themselves to impossible standards, treating themselves more harshly than they would ever treat someone else. And while they may have an innate desire to grow and heal, they often don’t know how to begin showing themselves the compassion they so desperately need.

I love working with clients who are ready to move beyond knowing about their struggles and are open to feeling their way through them, even though it feels uncomfortable or uncertain. These are people who, at their core, want to build healthier, more meaningful connections—with themselves, with their loved ones—but who feel blocked by their past, their perfectionism, or their patterns of self-doubt. They’ve done the research, read the books, maybe even listened to the podcasts, but they’re looking for someone to help them bridge the gap between head knowledge and heart healing.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.havenhouse-counseling.com/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/havenhousecounseling/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61558472104320
• Other: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/emily-dunleavy-coppell-tx/1273158