Meet Ann Howley

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Ann Howley. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Ann below.

Hi Ann, thank you so much for joining us and opening up about the very personal topic of divorce. So many in the community are going through or have gone through divorce and we think hearing about how others dealt with the aftermath and managed to build a vibrant, successful life and career despite the trauma of divorce can be helpful to many who might be feeling a degree of hopelessness. So, maybe you can talk to us about how you overcame divorce?

As I watched my son play his final high school football game, I roughly calculated how far I had driven in three years to watch him play.

Thirteen thousand miles.

I lived in Pennsylvania and my son lived two hundred and fifty miles away in Ohio.

One of the painful realities of divorce is that with two parents, a kid usually has two choices of where he wants to live. No mother wants to think about that, especially when her ex moves to another state. Visitation was already hard enough. For years, my ex and I met halfway on the Ohio Turnpike to exchange the kids so they could visit him every other weekend. I never complained because I wanted my children to have a good relationship with their father.

But I never wanted or expected one of my kids to leave me. I’m MOM. From stinky diapers, snotty noses and scraped knees to social studies homework and senior prom, I was in for the long haul… in a perfect world.
But it’s not a perfect world and my marriage didn’t last. When my younger son was fourteen, he told me he missed his dad and wanted to live with him in Ohio.

“I feel like Dad has missed so much in my life,” he told me with tears forming in the corners of his eyes. I, too, blinked back my own tears, not wanting him to see how hurt I was.

In fact, my heart felt like it had ripped in two. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of not being with him. No matter how exhausting and frustrating motherhood was, I still wanted to be the one to protect, guide, and occasionally ground him. I couldn’t imagine not being there to make waffles for him for breakfast, force him to do his homework, or kiss him goodnight.

But deep down, beneath the complicated layers of my maternal instinct, I understood because it seemed reasonable that a young teenage boy would need his father. There are times in a boy’s life when he should be closer to his father, especially when he’s approaching manhood. Despite my failed marriage and agonizing divorce, I knew my two sons had a father who loved them. Though I hated to admit it, I knew it was the right thing for my son to live with his father.

So before my son started the eighth grade, he moved to Ohio and I unwillingly became one of an estimated two million non-custodial mothers in the United States.

I never let my son see how heartbroken I was. Outwardly, I smiled and supported him, but inside I was devastated and felt a profound sense of loss. I feared that I would lose my son. I was afraid his stepmother would now replace me. When I thought about missing his high school years and never having the chance to share that special time in his life, I grieved and felt sorry for myself.

And then football happened.

When my son became a starter on the Varsity team in his sophomore year of high school, I realized that the only way I would be able to see him during football season would be to drive to Ohio every week to watch him play.

So I did.

It’s hard to be an outsider. At first, sitting in the bleachers, I felt uncomfortable and out of place because I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know my son’s friends or their parents. I was only there because I knew how important football was to my son and I wanted to be there for him. For three years, I rarely missed a game.

Over time, something unexpected happened. His new hometown became my Friday night home away from home. I sat with my ex and his wife and together we cheered for him at every game. I met other wonderful parents who embraced me and made me feel welcome. Even the front desk staff at the hotel where I stayed on Friday nights would check the scores every week to see if my son’s team won.

My son is an adult now. His high school football years are long over, but when I reflect on that period of time, I feel nothing but gratitude because every Friday night for three years, I had the privilege of watching my son grow into a wonderful, thoughtful young man.

I would drive thirteen million miles for that.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

My writing career started when my son moved to Ohio. In the midst of my grief, I realized that all of a sudden, I had TIME to write after I got off work every day. So that’s what I did and a few years later, my first book, Confessions of a Do-Gooder Gone Bad, a humorous memoir about growing up in Southern California in the 60s and 70s, was published by Oak Tree Press.

I also started writing for Pittsburgh Parent Magazine, teaching writing classes at the local community college, and speaking at events, conferences, and meetings. Pretty quickly, I quit my day job at an accounting firm, to write and speak full time.

My first novel, The Memory of Cotton, was published in 2022 and won a Next Generation Indie Book Award in 2023. It is currently being re-published and an audiobook version will be released in November 2024.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

1. Trust pain.
Pain has been a valuable instructor in my life and if you open yourself up to learn from painful experiences, I believe
positive things happen.

2. Worry less.
I wasted too much time worrying about what would happen if I quit my job. I realized later that the big, scary, steps I
took led to joy and fulfillment that I didn’t experience before.

3. Don’t be afraid to fail.
Be willing to fail big. Fail often. I always tell people that even though I am a professional writer, I have experienced far
more rejection and failure than success and acceptance in my career. And I’m okay with that. All of it is important.

Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?

I went through a period of time recently where I felt overwhelmed and negative, like I couldn’t keep up with the pace. I realized that I am a people pleaser and have a hard time saying “no.” I was taking on more projects and assignments than I could reasonably accomplish. I decided to be more protective of my time and set better boundaries. When I did this, I almost immediately felt like a heavy load lifted off my shoulders.

So, my advice is to pay attention to the clues your body gives you when you are overwhelmed. If you start feeling unhappy, negative, exhausted, or anxious, there’s a good chance that you need to rethink and recalibrate something in your life or career.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://annkhowley.com
• Instagram: @annkhowley
• Facebook: @AnnKHowley
• Linkedin: ann-k-howley
• Twitter: @AnnKHowley