We recently connected with Kristyn Carmichael and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Kristyn, so excited to have you with us today and we are really interested in hearing your thoughts about how folks can develop their empathy? In our experience, most folks want to be empathic towards others, but in a world where we are often only surrounded by people who are very similar to us, it can sometimes be a challenge to develop empathy for others who might not be as similar to us. Any thoughts or advice?
As a family law professional, empathy is one of the key characteristics that is not a want but a must for this field. We are dealing with people in some of the most challenging times of their lives, in divorce and family related disputes. Many professionals will say family lawyers have the best people who are acting at their worst, but I find it to be deeper than that. Divorce brings about feelings of failure, abandonment, revenge, sorrow, and fear. It is one of the most challenging experiences many people will take part in during their lifetime. And most of my clients are rightfully living in survival mode. They are overwhelmed with questions, like how will it impact their children? How will they survive without two incomes? What does the future hold for them? And unfortunately, we can’t freeze time and remove the other stresses of life (societal expectations, family judgments, children, work, etc.) from the process. So empathy is a required skill set, along with patience, trust, and open communication.
I grew up in family of divorces, and not the amicable, simple kind either. And it honestly pushed me away from wanting to start a career in family law – any other area of law for me, please. But after handling my first family mediation, I fell in love with the field. Thinking back, I was the mediator of my family, friends, and others in my life. I enjoy finding solutions that can bring a sense of peace to as many people involved as possible. And I like dipping deeper, asking questions, and learning more about people’s “why”. In order to have this deep desire to understand others, you have to have empathy. You have to be able to truly put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand where they may be coming from. You have to be able to put into perspective that the client screaming at you is not about you. It’s about them and where they feel safe to be vulnerable. You have to take each day without carrying home your clients’ feelings and leave them behind at your desk. You have to understand that even if you don’t agree with someone’s view on parenting, financial decisions, or even politics, that you can glean something from their perspective and still work with them. It is about stepping back and realizing that everyone experiences the world different from ourselves – and that doesn’t make them bad, wrong, or different – it just makes them uniquely them.
My area of practice is mediation because it is a process that allows for compassion, creativity, and understanding. It is a space in which empathy can grow and we can begin to hear other perspectives. Unlike the adversarial court system, where it’s me versus you, mediation brings everyone to the table to find relief. And that allows empathy to grow, within me and others.
Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
I’m the founder of Couples Solutions Center, a family mediation practice based out of Phoenix, Arizona. Our area of speciality is interpersonal disputes i.e. divorce, marriage (prenups), cohabitation agreements, break-up agreements, and any other family based dispute. While my background is as a licensed attorney and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), our firm does not provide individual legal advice. Instead, we work with a couple to help them reach agreements outside of court. As a mediator, I help parties reach agreements on any and all issues. For instance, in a divorce this could include divisions of all assets and debts, a parenting plan if the parties have minor children, as well as any potential support agreements, such as child support or spousal maintenance. The mediation process is lower conflict and cost, with a shorter timeline, than going through litigation in court. Typically, our clients save 80-90% over using attorneys and litigating their case.
What makes us different is our approach to conflict. First, we believe in providing transparent fees to keep costs low. Our clients know exactly what their cost will be from the very start of the process, in almost every instance. We don’t charge for communication, meaning our clients don’t have to consider what questions are worth asking during one of the most challenging times of their lives. Second, we handle everything from beginning to end. This means that you work with the same team to reach agreements, draft agreements, file any documents with the court, etc. It is all handled in-house. Third, we not only have expertise within our office, but we also connect our clients with exceptional professionals to help them to better understand the implications surrounding their legal agreements and your future. This includes real estate professionals, health insurance brokers, any other attorneys, and more. We understand that our clients are going through one of the hardest points in their lives, and want to provide the best and most thorough service we can.
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
1. Self Awareness – When I’m not with my clients, I’m out teaching the public and other professionals how to handle conflict. And one of the first things I always teach is looking within. How do you handle conflict? What are your triggers? How do those come up in your personal or professional life? I often here a lot of judgment outwards – they did this wrong, or they made me feel this way. While those experiences are valid, we only have control over ourselves – not the world or anyone around us. So it is important to take time to understand yourself. We are all human and we will all make mistakes. We will all have moments that we look back on and think we could have handled differently. But allowing yourself to reflect on that, rather than always looking outwards, can be extremely beneficial and empowering.
2. Communication – An amazing mediator I work with once said “We live in a time where we listen to respond, not listen to understand.” That has stuck with me ever since. We are inundated with emails, texts, social media, and just the stress of life generally. Its easy to be swept up in the current and move at that pace. But this has also harmed communication. We take communication for granted, as many of us do it so easily. But what we fail to notice is the intricacies of communication. As an example, the message I intend to send, doesn’t mean it is received or even processed by the other person the same way I intended to send it. Studying communication or just working on your communication skills is extremely valuable. Don’t fall back on what you just know. How could that email be better? How could you communicate this to have more people understand it. Communication is the key to all success, interpersonally and professionally.
3. Perspective – I can admit that I’m not always naturally a positive person. Like many, my brain tends to default to negative. But if we get stuck in the negative, the “it’s never good enough,” or the “we can’t do it,” the world can’t move forward with progress. Try and remember there are always multiple ways we can view something, and multiple ways others can view something. And other people’s perspectives are very valuable insight into who they are, how they operate, and even what they want.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Any advice or strategies?
I think overwhelm is a common feeling for many, but particularly for those in the legal or conflict related fields. Our roles are constantly dealing with the emotions and experiences of others, often without a lot of thanks. I’ve found over the years that it’s important to follow a few key guidelines, although I’m not perfect at them either. We can only try our best each day.
1. Try and find the positive – In our office, we keep a “Positive Thoughts” shared documents amongst myself and my staff. Every time a client gives us a positive review or even just sends a nice thank you note, it gets added to the “Positive Thought” board. When anyone is feeling overwhelmed by our clients or just feeling down, the board is a great place to start and remember all the positives of what we do.
2. Take a walk – Movement is essential in getting yourself out of the spiraling overwhelm in your head. Can’t go for a walk? Any kind of movement or even getting away from your computer/desk can help. For me, going for a hike, walk, yoga, or even to the gym helps regulate the overwhelm I feel. Just last night, I went for walk until I felt the anxiety dissipate. If my staff is having a hard day or just frustrated/can’t concentrate, I send them on a walk (or any other movement they want), and they come back ready to work again. It’s not a punishment – its a mental refresh.
3. Give yourself a break – Many of us, particularly business owners, feel a stress to be on all the time. But that’s impossible – we have to take breaks to recharge, get creative, and discover new solutions. So when you are overwhelmed, try to give yourself some grace. Maybe you just need to break the cycle by doing something for you – guilt free. Or as guilt free as possible.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.couplessolutionscenter.com/
- Instagram: https://instagram.com/couplesolutionsmediation
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristyn-carmichael-esq-cdfa/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@couplessolutionsmediation
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