We were lucky to catch up with Pj Stauffer recently and have shared our conversation below.
PJ, thank you so much for joining us today. Let’s jump right into something we’re really interested in hearing about from you – being the only one in the room. So many of us find ourselves as the only woman in the room, the only immigrant or the only artist in the room, etc. Can you talk to us about how you have learned to be effective and successful in situations where you are the only one in the room like you?
I have to constantly remind myself how hard I worked to get to the point I’m at. I have to remember every little step and decision I made, some with uncertainty, that put me on this track, and that I deserve to be here and take up space. I am a transgender man who was raised on a farm in the middle of nowhere, Kansas. I often am the only person in the room who looks like me, because I am gender-nonconforming, and I regularly in my day-to-day life am met with confusion. People seem to never expect someone like me becoming who I am, because I definitely don’t look like I grew up on a farm. I also am pretty androgynous, and people sometimes in their confusion can’t tell if I am a man or woman, and I sense hesitancy. I always feel like I have to prove myself to be respected… Nonetheless I made a decision to stick with my heart: I chose to pursue art, I started my hormone-replacement therapy, and crafted myself to be the person I am today by sticking with my decisions, even when others heavily discouraged and doubted me. I would say most of my motivation is aided by a never-ending thirst for knowledge, because I have a passion for art and creation and interacting with communities I am part of. I would also say I am motivated by spite, to a degree, because I have been met with several occasions of “I don’t think you’re capable of this,” and I have yet to fail… I think that counts for something. It’s satisfying to be a relatively successful artist when I was constantly told there is no money in the field. It’s satisfying to proudly be trans and Kansan and still find love in my friends and community when I was initially told by my family I would never be accepted. So yes, I have to remind myself every time that I worked my butt off to get there in that moment, and that even if I get imposter syndrome and don’t think I belong, I tell myself to ‘act like it’ until I DO belong. It helps that I usually know what I am talking about 99% of the time though!
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
I am a Kansas-based artist who dabbles in a lot of different mediums. Most of my personal work comes from wanting to work out my own trauma, and specifically some aspect of my childhood always comes up even in the ways I deal with things now as an adult, so I gravitate towards mediums that evoke a sense of nostalgia. I use a lot of oil pastel for their crayon-like feel and I utilize a lot of collage throughout the years… I was a total demon with a glue-stick and a magazine as a kid! Most of my work pertains to working through childhood trauma as it comes up through adulthood. I am transgender, so there is an aspect of that pain from being excommunicated, but to be honest, there were problems before I ever came out. I went through enough stress that I have developed cholinergic urticaria, where I break out in hives every time I get too hot or sweaty, and some of my work addresses the frustration of dealing with a chronic illness that is seemingly unfixable. On top of coming into adulthood, things happen with lovers and friends that inevitably bring up things I thought I have healed from. In some of my work I aim to depict discomfort, sacrifice, grief, and the journey it takes you on mentally and physically. I hope no one relates to it, but at the same time, if you feel seen by it, know you aren’t alone.
Outside of my personal art practice, sometimes I like to make things that are just fun! I have painted a few murals, but my most recent is in Hays, KS, and showcases native plants and insects that are unique and/or important to Kansas ecology. I also sell prints of my upcycled linocut t-shirts through social media. Every once in a while I am commissioned for a painting, and I love to put on workshops with clubs and classes! I use a variety of mediums: acrylic, ink, printmaking processes, oil pastel, pan pastel, collage, and occasionally some fiber work!
At the moment I am in my second year of obtaining my Masters Degree in Drawing, and am thoroughly enjoying being a GTA and teaching Drawing 1 and Drawing 2 at Fort Hays State University.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Routine and Rituals- Getting dressed in the morning and putting on the clothes that people remember you for. I feel my most-productive when I actually wear pants and accessories that help me feel like I am embodying the version of myself I dreamed to be as a kid. Also, getting compliments brightens my day, and I never expect it, it makes me feel like I’m headed in the right direction.
Empathy and Holding Space- I am someone who is very open and blunt about how I am feeling. I only expect the same from others, even if it’s negative, I try not to take things personally. I acknowledge that sometimes, people’s problems aren’t with me, its usually with themselves. I also just try to be honest and compassionate when someone trusts me enough to tell me what’s going on in their life. This is just important in everyday life, connections, relationships, and career. It’s important to be able to handle criticism and know when to let it eat away at you or not and know when to change your attitude towards someone or something. Having empathy for others also goes hand in hand in forgiving yourself when you mess up too.
Motivation and Reward System- In a way, I have to psychologically manipulate myself to get things done, especially the things I find boring and don’t want to do. I have ADHD, and even doing things I want to do is difficult. Knowing how to motivate yourself and reward yourself for your accomplishments is the key to pushing through. I can’t rely on someone else to pat my back and say good job. I have to celebrate my accomplishments myself most of the time, even the small ones, like getting out of bed. When I complete something I felt I worked hard for, I treat myself… sometimes with a really relaxing bath, sometimes with a thrifting spree, sometimes by getting myself a nice meal at a restaurant. Either way, I strive to finish whatever I’m working on by having the self-control to give myself a reward.
What is the number one obstacle or challenge you are currently facing and what are you doing to try to resolve or overcome this challenge?
I constantly fear that the doors are already shut and locked before I even try to open them. In combination with my identity as a transmasculine person who doesn’t fit in the gender binary ideal for what a “man” OR even a “woman” looks like, I always assume I will be pushed away. While it does happen, living in Kansas there isn’t always a safe way to be open about who I am, there have been ways I have found my place here.
I struggle with whether I should tell people I am even trans or not, it’s something I am navigating day-to-day. While most people do gender me correctly, I get mistaken as a woman a lot. It doesn’t bother me so much from strangers, but reminds me that I am not perceived in the way I perceive myself. It’s hard to explain with words, which I why I am an artist I guess.
I am content with the way I am, I just wish it wasn’t so overwhelming to decide who I can and can’t come out to. I have students who have no idea I am transgender, but I definitely think some of them wonder… I don’t hide my identity, and if they looked me up online they would figure it out, but it’s not something that ever comes up in class. Sometimes I get nervous even bringing up other trans artists in case my identity comes into question, because I am always worried about creating some form of divide in the classroom.
Initially I didn’t know how me wanting to teach would even be granted, because I have been open about being trans online, I feared I would be barred from teaching in case they thought I would be a bad influence. I have since realized that was something ingrained in me from the conditions I grew up in and the ignorance that surrounds transgender identities out here. The neatest thing about being out here though is that like a dandelion coming up through the cracks of a sidewalk, there are always people you will meet who will be solid and nurturing, even if you’re surrounded by ignorance.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://pjstauffer.wordpress.com
- Instagram: the.ghost.pj
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