Meet Melissa Crook

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Melissa Crook a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Melissa, so happy to have you on the platform with us today and excited to chat about your lessons and insights. Our ability to make good decisions can massively impact our lives, careers and relationships and so it would be very helpful to hear about how you built your decision-making skills.

My decision making skills have really only been fine tuned to a place where they are healthy for me over the last 5 years. It started with a health scare that prompted me to get serious about processing past traumas and not stuffing uncomfortable emotions, as well as diving into the core of where the anxiety and cosntant hypervigilance I experienced was rooted in.

This journey with my therapist combined with a shift in belief systems. I started unpacking all the scripts I’d been living by that weren’t really my own, as well as watching as my young adult daughters were adopting healthier practices with boundaries and expectations, This sent me down a road of combining these practices to better inform how, when, and who I was giving my time to and why. This would help ensure I was not giving answers based on what pleased others, but instead out of what was healthiest and most aligned with me. This was a big change from decades of codependnt decision making to ensure everyone else around me was ok, with little regard for myself.

As I have moved down this road I have discovered that valuing myself and accepting all the pieces of my story with curiousity rather than judgment will more naturally lead me to prioritizing my wellness with non-negotiable self care practices. We prioritize what we value, and that had to start with me valuing me and all of my layers. When I am able to see myself from this lens, I will think carefully about what I will say Yes and No to. I will look at my calendar and see if I have the space to give my most authentic self to what’s being asked of me. I will trust and listen to my inner knowing & the somatic clues in my body, when someone asks me to decide something or give my insight, and not just tell them what I think they want to hear. When we know our value, we are more willing to trust those parts of us. We will consider how this decision aligns with our values and expectations.

I also have learned from some very smart guests on my podcast a couple of key practices. First, don’t give a firm Yes or No to anything that you’ve been asked about for at least 24 hours. This allows you to assess how this aligns with you, or not, and if you have the space for it without sacrificing yourself and your wellness. Another key practice is remembering that whatever you say Yes to, means you’re saying No to something else, and then to assess if you’re ok saying No to that thing. These basic principles are a big help when considering decisions that will impact your time and bandwidth.

The difference in how I experience my life now is filled with much more appreciation and much less irritability now that I am making decisions from this way of operating and thinking. I highly recommend taking a look at your calendar to see how you feel about what’s on it. If you’re noticing angst, frustration, and just plain exhaustion, it’s time to assess if you’re making decisions based out of your own expecations and wellbeing, or what others expect from you. Those that truly love and care for your wellness will make the necesasry adjustments when they see you showing and making decisions based on what’s best for you. This will require a commitment to yourself that some cultural narratives have told us are “selfish”, but that is not true. No one wins when we make decisions that sacrifice our health and wellbeing (mentally, emotionally, and physically) because that means no one is getting the healthiest, most authentic version of us. In the end that’s what we all aspire to for ourselves and those we’re in relationship with.

Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?

I currently reside in Fresno, California with my husband Brady, but grew up in the Pacific Northwest. I enjoy time with our 3 daughters and their partners, traveling, am a huge sports fan, and am passionate about women living their healthiest, most authentic lives.

I founded & host The Embracing Layers Network, which includes The F.E.E.L Podcast (FindingEmpowermentEmbracingLayers), The Embracing Layers (Internet) Radio Show, and the book Embracing Layers Unapologetically, which is based on the first four seasons of the podcast (see this link on how to buy the book: https://www.embracinglayers.com/book).

My pasion is bringing together women to have conversations on topics we have historically been told not to discuss. In my work I explore the importance of self care, boundaries, mental, emotional & physical health connections, supporting yourself & other women in living unapologetically, identifying your why/values, living out of your own expectations, accepting the layered aspects of yourself, and the impact of living out F.E.E.L on your relationships. I truly believe that if we as women make this investment first in ourselves, and then with each other, we can truly create a safe, welcoming, authentic world for women to thrive in, but it takes ALL of us investing in ourselves and then each other.

I am available for public speaking engagements, both in person and virtually. To schedule me & learn more about my network, check out https://www.embracinglayers.com/contact.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

1. Recognizing my value as a person, not by what I do or accomplish, but who I am, my character traits and values that embody me as a human.

2. Not believing the lie many of us as women are told, that self care is selfish. Self care with filling our cups and nourishing our body, mind, and spirit are absolutely essential to us showing up as our healthiest, most authentic self, first for ourselves, and then for others.

3. The ability to say “No” to something without overexplaining. I don’t need to justify why I’m saying No when it’s the best thing for my health and wellbeing.

My advice to others is that prioritzing yourself and operating out of a filled cup instead of a depleted one is always the right decision. If others have a problem with that, you may need to assess how much access and time you give to that relationship. We deserve to be surrounded by people and relationships that respect and value us as a human being, not a human doing. This may mean some challening conversations with people who are more interested in what you can do for them than who you actually are, but it will be best for your wellness and contentment in the long run. Being mindful of what your (not others) expecations and values are, and then setting the appropriate priorities & boundaries from there will be a key component in creating this reality in your life.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Any advice or strategies?

Something that has been for key for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed is to write down all the emotions I’m feeling. I don’t believe in positive or negative emotions. I take a neutral stance toward emotions, They are clues, informants into what’s going on within me.

Writing them down from this neutral space allows me to name them without bias, and then to link where they might be stemming from. From there I can determine if these are based in truth, or old narrative or story I’m telling myself. If it’s based in truth, what are some steps I can take to process the ones causing me trouble. This might determine what kind of self care I need that day, whether it’s something meditative or restful, or more rigorous to work some angst out. Is there a conversation I need to have with someone to address this. If it’s based on an old story or narrative, speaking to myself what the truth is, and then looking at what it will take to help me believe and embody that.

This helps me to address rather than stuff or ignore what it is that’s causing me to feel this overwhelm. Stuffing and ignoring just means it will come up later, sometimes in an even more problematic way.

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