We were lucky to catch up with Robert Anderson recently and have shared our conversation below.
Andy, we sincerely appreciate you joining us today and agreeing to talk about some very personal topics. So, to kick things off, let’s talk about a tough one – divorce. Can you talk to us about how you overcame divorce?
My wife and I started out as good friends. As most love stories go, our beginning was unsuspecting and curious. She had a boyfriend at first, so that helped keep things simple. But I admit, I was the first to catch feelings. I didn’t want to cause any frustration or sabotage to her relationship, so I backed off. I backed off to another state where I found another job. I guess you can call it divine intervention where I was prevented from drowning in the sorrow and drama of unrequited love.
After years of painful silence, we were reunited with the most impeccable timing. Although we were both looking for true love, we didn’t know how much growth and maturity needed to take place. Our time apart helped prepare us for one another.
Our reunion quickly blossomed into a wonderful life together. Before we knew it, our friendship turned into an engagement that resulted into a beautiful wedding. The next year we were pregnant with our first child. We begun traveling and enjoying life as a young family. And then baby number two was on the way.
Despite the many blessing that surrounded us, there were still significant character flaws within us. Our love story came to a dramatic pause around year 4 of our marriage. My wife isn’t here to share her side of the story, but I will make the confession that I was terrible at communicating. Over time my lack of communicating began to swell up under the surface. And one day it blew up in my face.
Our marriage was a mess and poor communicating was the key issue. It was so bad she was the first to use the “D” word. I didn’t want to split up. I didn’t want to be a single parent. I mustered up every strength in my soul to fix our marriage. I had two objectives. One, to tell her everything whether she liked it or not. That inevitably included listening to her voice her pain and frustrations without firing back. The second thing I knew I had to do was get a professional counselor to help us build a bridge back to each other.
Fortunately, the first counseling session wasn’t available a month. I say fortunately because that delay allowed us to start healing and walking on our own. My wife and I were both determined to fix our marriage. We rolled up our sleeves and did the work. Before going to counseling I decided to sit down together and watch videos on YouTube about marital improvement. These would be videos from other counselors, authors and pastors. We did this for a month and by the time we met with the counselor, he was shocked at the progress we had made.
We met with the counselor once a month for a limited time. He led us through exercises that would help us understand each other on a deeper level. He gave us tools that would improve our communication. By the time we were done, we spread our wings and our marriage began to soar. We didn’t find our way “back”, we found something new. Our marriage was stronger and healthier than it was before. It wasn’t about returning to where we once were, we had climbed to new heights.
I think this is one common reason why God puts us through storms. If we endure, work hard and stay humble, we’ll find new blessings. When the rain stops and the fog clears, we’ll realize we’re on higher ground—a place we could not have reached without the storm.
With prayer and adequate help, divorce doesn’t have to be an option.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
A couple years after the counseling, I wanted to give my wife something special. I love writing. She loves reading. So I wrote her a book. I never wrote a book before, I just wanted to let her know how much I love her. After she read the book and gave it a stamp of approval, I published it.
There are so many views on marriage out there, many of which are frightening. I wrote this book to help other couples build strong and healthy relationships because I believe that healthy marriages are vital in society. When a marriage goes bad, the ripple effects are astounding. If making the world a better place starts at home, then that is where we should pour our time and energy to make things better. Love is more powerful than money. Family is more important than the American Dream.
My book is called Chandy’s Love: 7 Lessons for a Godly Marriage. I use personal stories to share some things I learned on my journey. It is available on paperback and Kindle.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
For anyone in a troubled relationship, there are three things that they must be present before the relationship can become healthy again. Even if the relationship is not in a state of emergency, these three things could prevent a couple from getting to that point. The first is humility. In the midst of conflict, it’s way too easy to become defensive. Everyone thinks they’re right. We point fingers at the other person for everything they’re doing wrong. We stand our ground and wait for them apologize first. Humility is about laying down our defenses and coming to the realization that we are not always right and that we have done and said some things that were flat-out wrong. It’s about validating what the other person thinks or feels even if we don’t agree with them.
The second thing we need is the admittance to the fact that we need help. I don’t know if there are statistics about this, but I am amazed at the number of couples I meet who don’t even consider getting professional help. Granted, some people have fears about what the counseling session might be like or how much it would cost. I didn’t care how much I had to pay for our counseling. I wanted to save my marriage no matter the cost. A good counselor can provide you with the right tools and encouragement to help your marriage fly again. Even if you’re not in a position to get a counselor by the hour, I’m pretty sure there is someone around you who has good sense and can steer you in the right direction, whether it be a grandparent or someone at a church. But my point is, you have to admit that you need help. I feel like guys struggle with this the most. Tell someone you need help, and help will be on the way.
The third thing we need to continue in this process of healing is maintaining an open line of communication with our spouse or significant other. When our differences seem so vast, we tend to draw a line between us and say things like, “Well, you do you.” If all we do is focus on the list of our differences, then our spouse will always be an our opponent. The way you talk to an opponent is different from the way you’d talk to an ally. To keep the lines of communication open means we must continually share our dreams, plans, joys, fears and more. This will be difficult and it will take a conscious effort. And be compassionate enough to invite your significant other to share these things with you.
Thanks so much for sharing all these insights with us today. Before we go, is there a book that’s played in important role in your development?
It’s not a book, but our counselor introduced us to Imago Relationship Theory. It’s a practice of therapy that bridges the connection between who we are today with the relationship we had with our parents when we were younger. One of the theories that the therapy applies is that we often date people because in some way they mimic the kind of love that we received as a child. I talk a little more about this is my book Chandy’s Love. This was very eye opening for my wife and I. It helped us understand each other better.
One day we decided to look up the creators of this therapy, Dr. Harville Hendrix, and we watched an interview with him online. The guy said something so profound I’ll never forget it. He said, “turn your judgment into curiosity.” What he was suggesting was that instead of judging your spouse for their behavior, be compassionately curious about why they are that way.
For example, you may notice that your spouse gets very quiet when you offer constructive criticism. A judgment would be calling them apathetic or you may go so far as to call them a coward. But with curiosity, you would consider the possibility that they get quiet because their mother was overwhelmingly critical of them when they were a child and the only thing they know. They know how to do is to retreat in silence. Therefore, your actions remind them of their parents.
Personally, I had to regularly throw out my judgements of my wife. Until the day she dies, she will always be changing, growing and developing. I don’t want to impede on her development as a person by cutting her open with negative and uncalled for judgements.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.authorandyanderson.com
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Chandys-Love/100089732228803/
