Meet Sabrina Lindhout

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Sabrina Lindhout a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Sabrina , we are so appreciative of you taking the time to open up about the extremely important, albeit personal, topic of mental health. Can you talk to us about your journey and how you were able to overcome the challenges related to mental issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.

My mental health journey is far from complete, but I definitely had a bumpy start to say the least (as most folks often do!).

What impacted me most is threefold: I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend my senior year of high school (and only learned a few years later that it was, in fact, assault). My coping mechanism for this was the onset of restrictive eating habits, which would turn into clinical anorexia and bulimia (which was both knowingly and unknowingly encouraged by the culture of the ballet/contemporary dance circles I was working in at the time). I would also eventually go on to be misdiagnosed with bipolar II disorder and a panic disorder, both of which turned out to be part of my initial presentations of lupus, an autoimmune disease I was diagnosed with at the age of 22. All of these pivotal events happened in the span of 5 years from age 17 – 22, with ongoing treatment and therapy to this day for eating disorder recovery and lupus management.

For me, in order to feel like I could overcome everything that had happened – or at least learn to live alongside it – I wanted to fully understand what had happened and why on both the logical and emotional sides of the coin. This also meant that I needed to start talking about it all.

It wasn’t until 4 years after the breakup that I was able to divulge to a therapist the assault that had happened to me. I also wanted to understand why my coping skills had become what they were as they were ravaging nearly every aspect of my life. I googled and researched, spoke to several therapists, found whatever information I could get my hands on to try to understand questions like “Why did I turn to eating as my control mechanism?” and “What stopped me from leaving my abusive relationship sooner?” I felt so lost and out of control with it all that I felt like having some sort of black-and-white logic behind my feelings helped justify my emotional responses.

However, this revelation of needing to “justify” myself TO myself made me realize that I wholly blamed myself for the assault and had not forgiven myself for it, nor had I forgiven myself for the eating disorders I fell into and still struggle with nearly 10 years later. I felt like my own greatest enemy for so many years. When I was diagnosed with lupus- which felt like the last straw in my mental health bucket at the time- I remember thinking “I am so done with myself”. In my darkest place, I thought: “I don’t know how to take care of myself, I don’t know how to keep myself safe, and now my own body doesn’t even know how to take care of me either.” I felt very defeated; as if God had given up on me; that He was done with me and tired of my mistakes.

Ultimately, I logically knew that being diagnosed with lupus wasn’t me being punished for anything. And that logically, I also shouldn’t be, what felt like, punishing myself. I had tried for so long to gain control, but I needed to accept that I actually had very little control at all. I was finally able to conclude and accept that being assaulted was not in my control or my fault, because his behavior was not mine to steward. Being diagnosed with an eating disorder was also not my fault (this one was a big one- how could it NOT be?), but for all of the control I thought I was exerting over myself, I actually wasn’t controlling anything about it at all. I still struggle with the fault part of that: logically knowing it’s not my fault when I’m the one that would engage in those behaviors against myself- but that simply isn’t how mental illness works either. Something somewhere told me I had to do those things, something other than myself, otherwise I wouldn’t have lost control so quickly.

Once I had logicked my way through some of these issues, I started to become a little more emotionally aware without being overwhelmed. I became interested in a concept I found online called “inviting your demons for tea”. Basically imagining your inner demons personified and inviting them to a civilized tea time and how you would want to interact with them. This intrigued me as a concept and I also have a creative writing side, so I figured I would take a stab at it. I wrote three little vignettes about each of what I deemed my main demons and what having a tea party with each of them would be like. What struck me in this writing exercise – which I guess was the emotional side of my research – was that in each tea party, all I wanted was for that particular guest of honor to be comfortable and feel safe. I did everything in my (imaginary) power to make her feel welcome. I made sure there were plush chairs, her favorite coffee creamer, her favorite snack, gentle music. Never once did I feel like I wanted to yell or be mad or fight her. I don’t even think I spoke to any of them except for pleasantries of hello and goodbye. After that, I definitely started framing myself in a different light: I didn’t want to be angry at myself anymore. I just wanted to feel comfortable and safe with myself again.

I learned a lot about myself and subsequently a lot about others in trying to find understanding in my confusion and fear. I am so thankful for all of the helpful hearts of loved ones and mental health professionals that have poured into me over the years as I navigated a pivotal time in my young life and continue to navigate as an adult. My hope is that people are able to approach themselves with curiosity, kindness, and a willingness to listen and understand instead of wanting to shame, belittle, control, or punish. Try inviting your demons to tea and see what you learn.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

Currently, I work as a lecturer of dance at Baldwin Wallace University and teach at local studios. I’m also a freelance dance artist and assistant choreographer. (When I’m not doing those things? I work at a bakery!) I get so excited knowing that no day is ever the same for me. There’s always progress to be made, work to be done, stories to be created and shared, people to collaborate with, etc. When I get together with the right group, the ideas just pour out whether it be for teaching or choreographing (or how to decorate a new item at the cake shop!). In dancing professionally, I’ve been so blessed to have been afforded opportunities where I could constantly reinvent my style and technique. I’ve learned that you never have to stay the same artist you are, or the same artist that you thought you were going to be. It’s not “giving up”- it’s growing. I’m thrilled to have experienced all of the shifts and changes that made me the dancer I am now.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

I would have to say that three qualities that were most impactful to me were curiosity, patience, and compassion. Curiosity to understand my “why” (even if it was hard to face), patience to understand that feelings of being uncomfortable or less than were only temporary, and compassion to allow myself to grow past all of these and not let shame or anger dominate my headspace. My advice to those who are just starting out on their journey to developing these skills would be to start asking your “why”. It can be simple asks with simple answers, even if you don’t always understand them. Why do you do what you do? Why do you want what you want? Once you sift through the weeds of the hustle and bustle of everyday life and get to your basic self, what you want – and sometimes what you need – becomes clearer.

What’s been one of your main areas of growth this year?

Over the last few months, I’ve noticed that I tend to tackle things with an “all or nothing” mentality. I usually notice this the second I speak my thoughts out loud and hear them (haha!). Life isn’t an all or nothing kind of thing. It can be gray and blurry and messy, and sometimes tricky to navigate. I may not always show up for myself or others in the way that I would like to, but it’s okay. My therapist often uses the question “Is this thought/action/emotion helpful?” Filtering certain experiences through that question has been really beneficial for me to break down this all or nothing habit. It’s not helpful to beat myself down. It’s not helpful to linger on what could have been or the things I didn’t do or should’ve done. I try to learn, I try to understand, and then I try to take the next right step forward.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sabrinalind809?igsh=dWMzYm80dGhocnll&utm_source=qr
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Image Credits

Dawn Wilson
Shawnae Neujahr
Tim Howard
Mike Zellefrow