Meet R. Michael Stapleton

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to R. Michael Stapleton. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Hi R. Michael , thank you so much for opening up with us about some important, but sometimes personal topics. One that really matters to us is overcoming Imposter Syndrome because we’ve seen how so many people are held back in life because of this and so we’d really appreciate hearing about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome.
When I was a wet behind the ears newly minted registered intern therapist, I had a bit of anxiety. I felt like a fraud and was worried that my clients would ‘find out’. Most of us can relate to feeling poorly equipped to do something or fill some role, even when we want to.

I’m a fan of “fake it ’till you make it’ or the mindset of “Acting as If”. When I started out, I was working for a psychologist. In the office was another therapist who had an easygoing, confident approach to greeting and working with clients. I acted like him – I played the role of a confident therapist. When I went out into the lobby, I greeted my clients with eye contact, a confident tone of voice and a hand shake. To them, I appeared confident and relaxed despite how anxious I was on the inside. Once we started talking, I quickly became wrapped up in listening to them and helping them and my anxiety was forgotten.

At times I still feel like an imposter. I recognize it’s a lie, and I surrender it to God. When I’m anxious and worrying “what if??” worry thoughts, it impairs my ability to help. When I take the time to think about what my client is saying and how best to help them, it might be a seemingly long stretch of silence. I can get anxious when that happens, or I can take a breath and think about how I can best help them. When I make it about my and my fears, I don’t do well. I’m in the helping profession and I do my best work when I keep an “It’s Not About Me” humility mindset.

Therapists, first responders, military, medical professionals, church leaders and others in roles where they are exposed to the worst parts of humanity have a huge burden to carry. That can easily lead to burnout and exhaustion. Another way I deal with imposter syndrome is by letting go of the false belief that I have to be the one to figure everything out. I didn’t create the problems in the lives of the people who walk through my door, and I’m not going to be the one to fix it – they are. This belief helps me to empower them and to let go of unnecessary pressure I put on myself. It also allows me to recognize that I may not be the best therapist fit for them. When I trust that God is in charge and he’s going to provide, it’s no longer about my fear, it’s about finding the best way to help someone. A lot of times that’s me, and sometimes that means referring them to someone who’s better able to help them with their issue.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
I’m a family man with two amazing teen daughters. My wife and I have been together for 23 years. I love helping people, I love my family, and I love working with my hands. I’m an amateur furniture maker and knife maker. I am curious and enjoy tinkering and figuring things out, whether that’s how to make something or how to help someone.

I’ve been a licensed therapist for 23 years, and I’ve worked in the social services field since 1991. I’m passionate about helping people to heal from past trauma, anxiety, anger and damaged relationships. I love working with young adults, teens, men and families.

I’m excited about helping people overcome the barriers that prevent them from having a fulfilling life, marriage, family and future.

I recently authored my first book, Shameless (on Amazon), and the supporting Shameless Workbook and Shameless Leadership Workbook. This book is designed to help people overcome the lies of shame through therapy or a discussion group such as a church Bible study group. Becoming an author was one of my “nevers.” I never thought I’d do it, but God had a different plan for me. I learned that anything is possible if you just keep moving things forward.

Shame and fear are two huge issues that every person I help struggles with. My next book, Fearless, is in the works and I hope to release it this year or early next year. I want to be able to provide the knowledge I have to people who need help but aren’t in my area or able to see me in person.

In addition to being a therapist and author, I’m working on creating merchandise for sale. I will be offering hand made items like leather journals, knives, charcuterie boards and other things on my website. I also have a bunch of fun ideas for T-shirts and other merchandise. I am planning on creating a specific website for those.

The problem with being an ADHD person is not having great ideas, it’s being able to stick with them long enough to make them happen! I’ve been able to do that with my first book, so I know I can do that with these other ideas.

How about you? Are you stopping yourself from what’s possible because you’re believe you can “never” do them? Are you listening to fears of failure? What if, instead of failing, you succeeded? Maybe it’s time to take that first step!

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
In terms of qualities, I would say that having a refusal to quit, or having “grit” is very important. I’m stubborn, and interpreted in a positive way, that means that when I decide I want to do something, I keep plugging away at it until it’s done. That doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged and feel like quitting at times, but I always pick it back up and get back at it after I get recharged. I give myself permission to let go of things that I don’t want to pursue, but bigger goals – like getting my degree and writing a book – I keep pushing through until I get them done.

I think we have a very unhealthy cultural expectation of comfort and ease. Our devices give us what we want instantly and we get mad when they don’t load as quickly as we want them to. I hear many of my clients talk about how they don’t do hard things because they don’t want to fail. The problem with that is that we are supposed to fail! It is how we grow, how we learn to overcome, and how some of the best solutions come about!

I went back to school for my master’s degree 9 years after my under graduate degree. I think that having “real world” experience was invaluable. I went to college because it was what was expected. I went to graduate school for myself, because it was the next step in my career. I had a very different focus and took it much more seriously. To those of you reading this, I would encourage you to examine the why behind what you are doing. Do it because you want to, not because you have to. Choose to do it because it’s going to help you get where you want to go. Keep the goal in mind, and keep pushing forward.

Once you get the degree, certificate or training you need, stay curious! Never stop learning, seeking and working for a better way. Challenge yourself to hone your craft, whatever it is. Don’t get complacent. Be humble and recognize that while you may be good at what you do, there’s always someone who may have a better way, more experience, or a perspective you would never think of yourself. One of the best bits of advice I’ve heard about pursuing a successful career or business was that if you are the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. You can’t grow in an echo chamber.

What is the number one obstacle or challenge you are currently facing and what are you doing to try to resolve or overcome this challenge?
My biggest current challenge is that I am primarily a therapist, not a business man. I’m a good therapist and author, but not a good marketer, influencer or business owner. I’m struggling to “get it all done” because I wear all the hats. I need help but have a limited budget for that help. I know you need to spend money to make money, but it can be overwhelming to figure out the best way to get help.

I’m a fan of working smarter, not harder. I know I need to hire someone to help me with the things I don’t do well, such as marketing, sales and website development. I am looking into Virtual Assistant help. I am asking people I trust who have expertise in these areas for help and guidance. I’m also facing my fears of letting go of control, as I am the single limiting factor in the potential growth of my business.

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