Meet Karyn Youso

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Karyn Youso. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Karyn below.

Hi Karyn, really appreciate your meeting with us today to talk about some particularly personal topics. It means a lot because so many in the community are going through circumstances where your insights and experience and lessons might help, so thank you so much in advance for sharing. The first question we have is about divorce and how you overcame divorce and didn’t allow the trauma of divorce to derail your vision for your life and career.

Let’s start with, I am a divorce attorney. But when I started practicing divorce law, I was married. Unhappily, but married. I think I stayed married as long as I did because every day in my practice, I listened to the stories of very unhappy people. The facts of their lives almost always seemed worse than mine. I would compare their lives to mine and think “wow, mine’s not so bad after all!” But in fact, my marriage was terrible. My spouse was impaired in many ways, all of them unhealthy. Mental illness, alcoholism, emotional abuse, violence. But when you’re a lawyer, you’re a natural “fixer.” I stayed because I believed I could “fix” all those problems. After 21 years, and his infidelity (including getting someone pregnant), I met him at 21. At 47, I finally let go of the idea that I could fix him.

The divorce was filed and then I had to figure out how to manage a house, my career, 3 middle school girls, 2 cats and a dog, and ultimately my health. I was anxious and sad about the life upheaval, but it was more about my world being turned upside down than losing my husband. It helped that I didn’t really love him. He became so spiteful and threatening, that any care and concern I had about him faded away. My focus was on my kids, and my financial outcome.

We did ultimately settle the case, because I chose to take the high road on many things. I saw how much my kids were being impacted by the uncertainty of the divorce and all its moving parts. I decided that being done and taking back my emotional health was more important than wringing every nickel and dime I was entitled to out of him. I got divorced, forgave him in my heart (to avoid becoming bitter), and threw myself into opening my own business. I looked ahead to not needing his money, and focused on maximizing my own income. I wanted to set an example to my daughters and show them that they could earn their own money and be successful on their own.

I found a new partner within 2 years of my divorce, have spent the past 7 1/2 years learning how to have a healthy romantic relationship. My daughters adore my partner, and call him “dad by choice.” My marriage/divorce journey has allowed me to better relate to my clients, and give them hope for their Life After Divorce.

My kids are all grown now (mostly : ), so my interaction with my ex is minimal. He is going through his second divorce now, which is both karmic and validating. I see divorce not as a trauma to overcome, but as part of a journey of growth. I can see now that I never should have married him, but I have also learned how to be a better version of myself for my next partner. Divorce led to growth and accountability. Now I help others change their mindset when they, too, are faced with divorce.

Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?

Would you believe I did not even take Family Law as a course in law school? My first divorce was done as a favor to my employer’s friend. She was a very sympathetic wife, married to a very difficult husband. It was easy to swoop in and try to help her (and I did!). After that, I knew I wanted to pivot my practice to family law. I’d spent the first dozen years of practice devoted to general litigation. After handling the divorce, I began building a family law practice, specializing in divorces involving mental illness, substance abuse, and domestic abuse.

Now, 25 years later, I have narrowed my practice even more, focusing on low-conflict modalities (because no one ever really “wins” in high-conflict divorce): Collaborative divorce, divorce/marital mediation, pre-nups/post-nups, and my latest offering — premarital education and coaching. Because if couples do the premarital work, research shows they lower their risk of divorce by over 30%. Why wouldn’t you do that? The rate of divorce in first marriages is still pretty high, over 40%. 60% for second marriages. I always tell people, “plan for the whole marriage, not just the wedding!”

I believe strongly in marriage, but also believe a high percentage of people get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons (which increases their risk of divorce). Divorce continues to be especially hard on children, and certainly on finances. I believe that every person should do everything in their power to reduce their risk of divorce. Believe it or not, prenuptial agreements reduce the risk of divorce! Those require candid conversations about mutual marital expectations, and complete financial transparency. Would you believe that most people marry without knowing the other person’s finances, debts and credit scores? I represent people who, even now, at the start of their divorce, have no idea what their spouses make or where the money goes.

I’m on a mission to make sure that every person who gets married knows all the emotional and financial facts they need to have a long and happy marriage! For those people who got married without doing that work, I am here to help them land softly if they get divorced.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

1. Understanding human psyche and how people think. My familial experiences with mental illness and addiction equipped me to help others with those same issues. I have had to be very patient with family members, and that patience served me well since legal processes go slowly.

2. I am a fixer and always have been. While I’m not a “rescuer” anymore (people have to rescue themselves), I can generate creative ideas for problem-solving with above-average skill. Clients cannot always see their options and alternatives. I help them do that.

3. My communication skills are my strength. I help others find their voice and voice their thoughts. Words can be inartful or in articulate. I help people find courage and clarity to express themselves in a way that helps them advocate for themselves and their children, or simply to communicate more effectively with their co-parents.

What was the most impactful thing your parents did for you?

My parents gave me a tremendous work ethic and paid for my entire education. That meant I was able to succeed in school, and graduate debt-free. Instead of taking “any” job to pay off loans, I could take jobs that allowed to me learn and grow, and ultimately make a difference.

Contact Info:

Image Credits

Erin Beckett Photography
Katie Soyka Photography

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