An Inspired Chat with Kim O’Neill of Riverside or Temecula, CA

We recently had the chance to connect with Kim O’Neill and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Kim, thank you for taking the time to reflect back on your journey with us. I think our readers are in for a real treat. There is so much we can all learn from each other and so thank you again for opening up with us. Let’s get into it: What are you most proud of building — that nobody sees?
Wow, I love this question – because first I think it’s a reminder to everyone that none of us ever see all of what a person has been through and what it took for them to overcome their hurdles. As we remember that, it can open up space for curiosity instead of judgment, and help us see a more level playing field from the start, rather than assuming others had it easier or that they have something we don’t.

To answer the question – I’m most proud of building my inner sanctuary and my capacity to be resilient. I’m proud of my ability to still love and respect myself, even when others don’t. I’m proud of my capacity to be flexible and continue to find a solution or access peace when it seems all hope is lost (there will always be hope). I’m grateful for my connection to spirit and that I can still see the joy and light despite dark times, both my own light and the world’s light.

Can you briefly introduce yourself and share what makes you or your brand unique?
This past summer I graduated Summa Cum Laude with my M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT). I’m also an interview coach, show host and author. I’ve been working as a therapist for over a year now and absolutely love my work. I’ve always been a passionate, purpose-driven soul, and it’s been a long journey for me to finally experience congruence between my purpose and career; but the journey’s been worth it.

Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to help people. The challenges I experienced during my early adolescent years were the start of me learning to go within to better understand myself; making hard decisions that would support my own mental and emotional well-being; and later parlayed into me being able to help my friends and family. Today I’m 47 years young – haha – it took me a lot longer to get where I am professionally than I ever anticipated, but I finally got here – and I know there’s still so much more. If people only take one thing away from this article, I hope it’s the knowing that you can do anything you desire, as long as you’re willing to be flexible and step outside your comfort zone.

Thanks for sharing that. Would love to go back in time and hear about how your past might have impacted who you are today. What relationship most shaped how you see yourself?
I believe all our relationships have the potential to contribute to how we see and know ourselves. One of the most pivotal relationships in my life, however, was also a relationship that didn’t really happen. A long time ago I fell in love with a man whose words and actions never matched – but I couldn’t see that at the time. He led me to believe he was in love with me, and I could also feel his love; so it really didn’t make sense when he chose to run and disappear on me. He friend-zoned me and never explained his inconsistent behavior. We went through this cycle a few times, from us connecting so deeply and then to him eventually disappearing. Without answers from him, I made excuses and rationalized his behavior. I also did the one thing a person should never do in this scenario – I waited.

My waiting wasn’t complacency, however. In the waiting, I realized I still had healing to do from having had a mostly absent father (see the connection?) As I waited to receive love and communication from a man who was choosing not to show up, I realized how much I wasn’t loving myself. I also started to realize how much my self-worth was tied into focusing on a man who wasn’t choosing me. Overall, I learned that regardless of what anyone else ever does, I will always matter, and it’s my job to love and choose me first. The relationships we form with our caregivers play a big role in predicting what types of relationships we allow and choose as adults. If those are insecurely attached relationships, it’s up to us as adults to heal our internal attachment wounds and rewire how we perceive relationships in order to cultivate a more secure attachment within ourselves and our future partners.

When you take the time to go within and heal wounded aspects of yourself you eventually get to experience yourself in a new way that contributes positively to knowing who you are and what’s possible for your future. When you know who you are, you become more aligned with the authentic version of you that has the capacity to increase your resilience, and overall life satisfaction and fulfillment.

If you could say one kind thing to your younger self, what would it be?
Just one?
I would tell her that she’s never been alone, even if she felt like it at times.
I would tell her she’s always been led and guided by love, by God, her angels and her ancestors.
I would tell her how perfectly imperfect she is, and that it’s okay to make mistakes.
I would tell her that everything that was falling apart was always meant to be that way because it was actually all about the learning and growth that came through her healing journey.
I would let her know that not everything is meant to last and just because it doesn’t, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a success.
I would tell her that her efforts are seen, and she’s doing a great job doing the best she can to navigate life’s challenges.
Lastly, I would tell her to start meditating and tapping into her spirituality much sooner, because that’s where her greatest strength will flow from, and that’s where everything is going to lead to anyway.

Alright, so if you are open to it, let’s explore some philosophical questions that touch on your values and worldview. Is the public version of you the real you?
I LOVE this question. Yes, the public version of me is the real me. For anyone who knows Human Design, I’m a Role Model / Hermit. Sometimes I post frequently, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I show up online with make-up, sometimes I don’t. I show up in the way that is most authentic for me. I show the depth of my thoughts, my quirky character and my inconsistent posting habits. Occasionally I’ve publicly shared some of my own personal challenges and struggles, but I’ve also become a believer that people don’t have to share everything about themselves online. For some people it can work; but it doesn’t feel right or authentic for me at this time. I’ve also had to heal from some of the judgments, criticisms and assumptions people make simply because I show up online. Healing from that has helped me to set better boundaries, but also accept that I can’t control another person’s perception, thoughts or beliefs. I/we have permission to be both public and also still maintain privacy in our lives – and that’s real for me. I don’t think it’s healthy to share everything publicly, and I don’t like posting when it feels inauthentic or forced. If and when I post more consistently, it’ll be because then it is more aligned for me to do so.

I love this question, however, because inherently within it is a faulty assumption that many people keep making; so thank you for the opportunity to speak to this. I believe many people subconsciously assume that public people are supposed to share everything online in order to be perceived as “real,” and at some point they are going to know everything about that person because they’ve seen it online. No public persona will ever completely paint a picture of who that person authentically is, regardless of how much they post or what they post. It’s authentic for me to have extroverted phases and share and talk on the shows I host and on social media. It’s also very authentic for me to have introverted phases and prefer to keep to myself. I don’t show up on social media for likes; I show up on social media because I believe that it’s one of the best ways for me to reach the people who I can assist with my services (at least I hope so). The likes and social media algorithm simply help to support that. I’ve actually had to increase my own acceptance and comfortability with being on social media, and occasionally I question it.

I believe comsuming any media (social media, TV, movies, radio, articles, etc.) requires the automatic remembrance that that public person is simply another human. No one is perfect, and we’re all just doing the best we can with where we currently are. If we want to get to know people better, it’s up to us to talk to them and build a genuine connection with that person. If we can’t do that for some reason, then I believe it benefits everyone to suspend judgment on what they don’t see, because that will have a ripple effect that positively benefits everyone. Judging or comparing oneself to anyone else online is always a reflection of a person’s self-worth and how they judge themselves. Everyone is worthy and valuable, regardless if they are a public person or not.

Okay, we’ve made it essentially to the end. One last question before you go. If you knew you had 10 years left, what would you stop doing immediately?
Ooh, powerful question. Well, I’ll start by saying I hope that I have at least another 50+ healthy years to go! … but if it were down to just ten, I would immediately stop overthinking anything that was keeping me trapped in my head and preventing me from experiencing more joy and love in the present. That’s something I personally continue to work on, and I’m grateful it’s become easier over time. Wow – powerful question! That IS the power of questions! Thank you for asking that.