We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Aayush Kumaran. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Aayush below.
Aayush, we’re thrilled to have you sharing your thoughts and lessons with our community. So, for folks who are at a stage in their life or career where they are trying to be more resilient, can you share where you get your resilience from?
I think resilience is a product of motivation, discipline, and faith in yourself. It’s silly, but I frequently hear in my head a quote from Nolan’s ‘Batman Begins’ in Sir Michael Caine’s voice saying “Why do we fall, sir?”, and I’ve tried to rationalize the feeling that it triggers within me. On an evolutionary basis, it’s a simple concept of ‘survival of the fittest’. Science teaches us that our base purpose is survival, but to me survival isn’t always about being on top of the food chain. It’s about taking hits and learning how to keep moving forward (loosely paraphrasing Rocky Balboa). I believe that you have to learn how not to give up and not to let your losses break you. There was a time when I truly believed that I could never be an actor. I didn’t fight for it in high school. I was too embarrassed to claim that dream around my friends for fear of judgment. I wasn’t allowed to pursue acting and filmmaking while applying to colleges. Then came the long streak of failure and lack of purpose. I Lost patches of my hair due to anxiety and stress. Gave up on myself and picked up unhealthy habits to numb the feeling of being ugly and unworthy. Around 2017, I felt the very moment I gave up on my dream. That feeling grew into this black hole of depression and self deprecation and I lost all sense of self and purpose. It led to it’s inevitable critical mass of suicidal thoughts and other behaviour I’ll avoid getting into. It just felt like there was no light left. My dad told me to come back home, and in 2020 I did. I thought I was returning to India a loser. No earning capacity, no goals, no value. I referred to myself as an ugly, fat waste of space. It’s all I could think, and it felt like every face I looked at was thinking the same thing. Then the pandemic hit, and the only person I was faced with was myself. During the lockdown, while watching all my favourite movies, I kept asking myself why I let go of my dream. I wrestled with that question everyday because that was all there was to do. Eventually I realized that I was so heavily impacted by certain characters from movies and shows, and I wanted to impact people in that same way. I LOVE the art of empathy through storytellling. I LOVE how well developed characters affect the audience. If I could possibly learn to rip open my shirt, reveal an S on my chest, and be the person that gives a kid some hope and confidence, then why the hell am I not doing it? I want to exist as a well developed character and affect people in ways that leave them changed. I truly believe that is my purpose. After that, it was really just a matter of holding on to that purpose. It brought me to LA in 2021, and led me to all of the most fulfilling experiences I’ve had since. Every single thing I continue to do in pursuit of my purpose makes me so truly happy in every sense of the word. Now, I try to do atleast one thing for my career every day. I’ve made a habit of it, like eating and brushing my teeth. That’s how I build discipline. I refer to myself as an actor first. I proudly claim my dreams and goals in front of the world. I work towards improving my craft. I frequently fall off because sometimes the anxiety and depression is just too strong. Still, I know why I want to get back up. Even if it takes a day, sometimes weeks, I find a way to get back to my process and purpose. My motivation mostly comes from all the anime that I watch. Goku taught me that power comes in response to a need, not a desire. Naruto told me to find my “ninja way” aka something I believe in and am willing to fight for. Asta taught me that I can always surpass my limits. Izuku taught me that I don’t need superpowers to help people and stand for something. To top it all off, my parents have so much faith in me that I can’t possibly not have faith in myself. The result of all this is that I truly believe that I’m unstoppable. I’m not saying this in a metaphorical sense. I’m relentless, I’ll never stay down. I’ve deluded myself to believe that I can bounce back from ANYTHING. I’m not trying to be the brightest star in the universe, but I’m just going to keep burning. That’s all that it is. That, to me, is resilience. To summarize: The repeated practice of overcoming adversity at any level builds habits, skill sets, and traits that allow us to thrive. I found the thing I believed in, then built my world around it. The resilience followed.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I’m an actor. That is my main focus. I want to be the kind of actor that affects people at their emotional roots. I want to be a part of stories about things that I believe in, like human equality, kindness, and the science and value of life, and all that it could be. As a personal childhood dream, I also want to be the next great action star. In my endeavours to create the acting career of my dreams, I have learned various skills in film making. I’ve had the privilege of being 1st Assistant Director on two projects that completely aligned with who I am as a person and what I’m willing to fight for. I think it’s an amazing feeling to be a part of something like that. It feels like I’m giving my purpose a voice. Every now and then, I find people in the industry who inspire me, share my beliefs, and want to empower the voiceless. I’m frequently in awe of these people. To me, acting is this specific art of storytelling that, when creating with the right people, brings forth such rich and impactful moments that absolutely must be shared with the world. And thats all stories are, aren’t they? Things people experienced that they just had to share with others. Acting has given me that very sense of artistic expression, and the friends I make along the way only help amplify that. Currently, I’m working on a student film that tells a story of something that hits very close to my cultural roots. To others, it might just be a student film. To me, it is an opportunity to tell a story of the religious/cultural strife that I have experienced in my country and have always wished to change. Besides that, I’m also currently writing my first action short film based on experiences of mental health that never gets talked about in India. It is both cathartic for myself, and something I want to share with the world with the hope of letting people know that they aren’t alone in those moments.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
DISCIPLINE! That is the most important thing, across the board. No one is exempt from this. BUILD HABITS WITH DISCIPLINE, preferably related to your goals and dreams. I promise you it will change everything. I’m still building certain beneficial habits with discipline, and I constantly fall off, but the benefits I’ve noticed since relying on discipline over motivation have been tremendous. The main reason that I wholeheartedly believe that I’m going to make it is because I have incorporated certain habits that are guaranteed to keep me on track towards my goals. That only happened with discipline. Figure out exactly what you need to do in order to “make it”. Filter it down to small habits you can replicate daily. Then do them even when you don’t want to. If you fall off, it’s fine. Forgive yourself and GET BACK ON IT. Another thing that really helped me was finding some form of physical stimulation. Personally, I love exercising in general, but I love martial arts and dancing. Besides being fun and great for my health, it keeps my physical instrument tuned and aids longevity and health. I can’t focus on my craft when I’m not feeling physically able or healthy. I truly believe that everyone needs to adopt some form of physical stimulation whether it’s traditional exercise, or even just walking. It is a privilege to be able to move your body in some fashion, so please enjoy the benefits of it.
The last practice that I believe has unbelievable benefits is reading. I’ve noticed that we’ve entered a generation that doesn’t read as much. I believe that reading not only expands your knowledge base, but also improves comprehension, articulation and elocution, which are vital for good communication. Besides all that, it’s just fun. You can learn anything you want from books or the internet if you just make a habit of reading about the things you like, or are interested in. I have a small but significant amount of knowledge about astrophysics, not because I’m trying to enter the field, but because the science of the universe fascinates me. Consequently, it has informed so much of my science fiction knowledge and fantasies. I also read up about evolutionary biology only because I’m obsessed with X-Men.
That flows well into my advice for you, which is to seek knowledge. There is (at least in my experience) all the information in the world about anything and everything you can think of. Youtube, podcasts, and books are your best friends. Besides that, seek out mentors who are experienced in your chosen field. Find people you look up to, and learn what you can from them. I’ve been privileged enough to find great teachers in my life who have pushed me forward in leaps and bounds. Some have even helped me out of a bad place, and become dear friends. If not a mentor, then find a community. Learn from your peers, and teach what you know to those seeking help. No matter what, always keep learning. The day you decide you’ve learned enough is the day you stop moving towards your dreams. In my opinion, if there’s one thing you should be greedy about, it’s knowledge.
Before we go, maybe you can tell us a bit about your parents and what you feel was the most impactful thing they did for you?
I honestly don’t know what one thing could be the most impactful. My parents have given me everything, even when I couldn’t see how much they were actually giving me. For as long as I can remember, they have constantly sacrificed and slogged for my sister and for me. They put me in the best schools, made sure I was always surrounded by the highest caliber of people, and gave me all the comfort and luxury they never had even when I was blatantly ungrateful for all of it. They always gave me a safety net (dare I say to the point of making me “soft”). They love me and only ever want whats best for me, even when they don’t know that what they’re doing might be detrimental to my growth. There was a long period after graduating high school where my relationship with my parents was next to dead. I resented them for not allowing me to pursue acting after high school. I would keep my life hidden from them as I tried to pursue it when I lived in Toronto. I thought they were against me and my dreams. I just couldn’t see that they were only trying to make sure that I was on a path towards stability and independence, because that was their definition of success growing up. It took too long for me to realize that all I needed to do was talk to them and have them listen to my dreams. The opportunity never came up before, because we lived apart from each other through my middle school and high school years (again, another sacrifice they made for me to get the best education in all of Asia). I think the most impactful thing my parents did for me, and still continue to do, is have faith in me. They have my back no matter how far down I fall, and no matter what kind of monsters I face. Even if it’s something they have little to no understanding of, they will fight tooth and nail to make sure that I’m supported. Sometimes I wonder how they have the time and patience to even bother taking care of me the way they do. They definitely don’t have to, because I’m on an unstoppable trajectory towards my dreams, but they still have faith in me and support my happiness. Their unrelenting faith in me is like an impenetrable armour that I wear every day.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: @akuma.run
- Other: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm14561397/
Image Credits
Ana Cruz Erica Butler Johanna Thur Maximilian Schulze
