We recently connected with Allison Bush and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Allison, thank you so much for opening up with us about some important, but sometimes personal topics. One that really matters to us is overcoming Imposter Syndrome because we’ve seen how so many people are held back in life because of this and so we’d really appreciate hearing about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome.
Imposter syndrome has always been a battle for me. It has taken almost a decade of photography experience and a little more than five years of being the breadwinner as a full time freelance photographer to allow it to settle into me that I am truly a photographer. And the journey has been slow. I’ve had to make mistakes, take risks, and ask for help in order to get where I am. And I have come to understand that no one actually knows what they are doing. We are all figuring it out as we go. We may become more experienced but even my mentor will watch a youtube video with me and try to learn something new. Sometimes now I can even help him with things.
Once upon a time, the people I have come to idolize were just beginners and that makes me feel more secure in asking questions. That’s been the most powerful forward movement for me in my career thus far. Not being afraid to ask questions. Not being afraid to admit that I don’t know something.
While I am a confident photographer, I have never founded a non profit before. And so we begin again with Imposter Syndrome as an Executive Director. I am currently in a world I feel I understand very little of; the lingo, the system, the nuances. But I have felt this many times before so it is familiar. I find myself assuming someone else has a better answer, that it can’t be as simple as I am making it, that what i have learned as a sole proprietor isn’t relevant in the nonprofit sector, etc. But none of that is true. So I take a deep breath and remember I have to learn the rules so I can break them. I have to remind myself that no one has created The Trixi Lou Project before and my voice matters. I can create something my own way and at the very worst someone trusted will tell me where I could improve. That doesn’t have to negate the fact that I am out here trying something.
About once a year I read “Art and fear” by David Bayles. It always, always helps me remember that my human-ness is what makes great art, its what makes great work. There is a quote in that book I think of often, “To require perfection is to invite paralysis.” And that is true for me. I have to worry less about doing it right, and just do it, learning from mistakes and from feedback. Willing, within myself, to hear that I have done it wrong and feel the drive to correct and continue anyway.
Holding my mistakes, accepting where I am and attempting to create something all the same. The most useful affirmation in overcoming imposter syndrome has been realizing I am a person like all the people before me and I deserve a place at the table, because of my human, not in spite of it.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
The path to The Trixi Lou Project began in 2010 with the quick and arduous cancer diagnosis and death of my mother. Through my grieving, I wished so badly I had captured photos of us together before we crossed the threshold of leaving and being left. I also longed for images of us in the midst of the journey, when we knew so much was about to change but we had no idea how quickly and how devastatingly. It took nearly 14 years but on her birthdate last year, Trixi Lou was founded.
The Trixi Lou Project offers Legacy Sessions, a post terminal diagnosis photography session with loved ones. It doesn’t matter where (a hospital bed, their home, a beautiful park, a church, a studio) and it doesn’t matter what they wear (gym shorts and t shirts, favorite comfy clothes, team shirts, all one color, jammies). It doesn’t matter everyone shows up (sad, uncomfortable, chipper) we just all show up. Throughout our session we focus on protecting the memory, not specific poses or outcomes, not the fact that we are even doing a photography session.
A Legacy Session is guided by prompts that create connection and conversation. So that is what you see. We can get the posed family portrait, sure and we will. It is classic and timeless. But what we want is to capture the way your father looks at you when you speak to him, the light in the eye, the touch of a hand or the tear quietly falling down a cheek. I encourage all emotions, all truth, because in the pain and fear and anger- there is only love. We want these images to bring you back to the moment with your people. We want you to smell the grass, hear the laughter, remember the stories shared. And not the uncomfortable tights you had to wear or the misery of being forced into a family photo shoot.
The whole concept of The Trixi Lou Project can be difficult for people to understand. We are used to seeing photographers in moments of celebration. But there is so much life worth documenting and perhaps the larger goal of The Trixi Lou Project is to help us view death, dying, and illness differently – as parts of life that we don’t have to fear and turn away from, and instead, embrace.
The post diagnosis journey is overwhelming. Doctor’s appointments, medications, and treatments quickly become the new normal. What The Trixi Lou Project is offering is a moment; a moment someone can leave this new reality and just be with loved ones in the midst of it all. Legacy Sessions are free of charge.
I also want to add that we will soon be offering Legacy Beats, as service that records your loved ones heartbeats and puts it with music, as well as Life Reviews where will come in and document someone’s life story in their own words. And we could not be more excited!
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
Photography skills, obviously. TheTrixi Lou Project was my ultimate goal when I started the journey to learn photography. I said to my mentor when I walked into his office the very first time, “I have this idea for a non profit but I have to be a ‘real’ photographer. I want to be the best.” At the time I was just a hobbiest – I had an eye and a vision but didn’t have to skills needed to execute. I didn’t know how to use light, use gear, or get accurate white balance.I didn’t want to attempt capturing images of this magnitude, possibly a family’s final images, without “being the best”. And while I wouldn’t say I am the best, I am now a wildly capable photographer with a varied portfolio. I am not intimidated by any room, group size or lighting that I encounter. The ability to create timeless images correctly, was an extremely important piece for me.My very first Trixi Lou session was many years ago. My friend’s husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. I felt lost the entire session. While I could use my camera well, I had no idea how to pose them or where to find light in their very bright backyard. My friend sent me a $50 amazon gift card as a thank you, so I bought a posing guide book and studied it. I was Determined to never have something as simple as posing be a block again. Every part of my career has been built like this. Another important skill within my work is my ability to hold space. I was a birth doula for a decade and in that time I learned how to hold space for people facing one of life’s greatest transitions. I have naturally tended towards care taking in my life but doula work was the first time I could hone it. I learned how to read people, anticipate needs, and turn towards fear or pain instead of away. It was an extremely healing and aligned career path. I learned how to meet people where they are without expectation or allowing my own insecurities or needs to get in the way of connection. I learned the power of rubbing a hand or making eye contact with someone.
Lastly, compassion. Having been my mother’s care taker during her cancer journey, I learned the ins and outs of carrying this kind of weight. I remember the intensity of how our lives changed that July; there was a distinct before and after. My obsession about nutrition, medications, fevers, appointments, the hours of chemo, buying the most comfortable fabrics for her skin, having the nurse on speed dial, taking diligent notes, and the never ending fear of what was to come in the night. I remember so vividly when she shaved her head and when she cried and prayed in bed. I remember how sometimes we still managed to laugh. I remember how alone I felt when people stopped showing up for us, stopped checking in, or worse, they never did.. After her death I began graduate school studying human development and family studies with an emphasis in death and dying. I began volunteering with Hospice and my passion for death and grieving only grew. Being able to empathize and recall my own experience while working with families facing death, creates a feeling of safety and trust. And the hope is that the families I serve will feel seen and validated – not forgotten or isolated but documented – and held by their community, even if just for our hour together.
How would you describe your ideal client?
Our ideal client is someone who recently received a diagnosis. Someone who has loved ones whether that be a chosen family, a partner, or fur babies that they would like to make these moments with. They may or may not be beginning treatments for cure or for comfort. We’ll schedule a Legacy Session as soon as we can – there is no ‘right time’ or ‘too late’. We encourage sessions on the earlier side because of the unpredictability. We ask our clients to keep in mind the changes in appearance, ability, and stamina. The Trixi Lou Project is a completely free service to the community. Bills pile up during illness between loss of income and copays and prescription medications, and I do not want finances or economic status to get in the way of anyone having these images and memories. We want everyone to be able to share their stories and leave their legacy. There is no way for me to articulate clearly the reality that we cannot go back once our loved one is gone and get one more set of images but we can ask that right now, where you are, you trust us. These are images that may be too painful to look back on right away but they will be with you forever. You can tuck them in a box or you can hang them on a wall, and our hope is you can pull them out years later and they can serve as a reminder of the love you shared. My hope is that these images ease your heartbreak and anguish when you need them to and help create meaning as you process. And a reminder that no matter where this path leads post-diagnosis, you will always maintain that connection.
We can create an intentional, beautiful, memory and we can keep it forever – for you and yours – in a photograph.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.thetrixilouproject.org
- Instagram: trixi_lou_project
- Facebook: The Trixi Lou Project
- Linkedin: The Trixi Lou Project
Image Credits
The Trixi Lou Project
