We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Ashana Kaiulani. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Ashana below.
Ashana, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Wow, this is an unexpected hard-hitter! There was the ghost of a knee-jerk response: “I don’t really have that much confidence…”
I knew that meant I should probably face this question head on, and I’m glad I did.
Sitting with this question helped me realize I DO have confidence and self-esteem, it just might not be in the way people usually expect when those words come up. I feel like my sense of self-esteem developed over time, as a result of staying true to my morals and seeking to live a purposeful and present-centered life.
For the longest time, I got my self worth and confidence (ahem, false bravado) from knowing that I was good at pretty much one thing: taking care of others. Essentially, this meant meeting everyone’s needs and anticipating expectations, so I could over-perform and prove myself useful. I would have placed myself solidly into a “Type A” category, and I thrived on structure, routine, and – honestly – quite a bit of caffeine to keep me going.
However, under the surface, there was this quiet murmur: “I’m not actually a good person. I secretly have ulterior motives. I am somehow harming people, even when I outwardly appear to be helping them.” This actually held me back from being the health coach & life coach I *knew* I could be, because I was afraid that I would be out in the world harming people, rather than helping them. So my sense of confidence in myself: in my gifts, my talents, my motives, and even my morals.. was sadly thwarted by a deeply rooted inner critic.
The problem was, I just didn’t feel fulfilled in a soulful and guided way, *unless* I was listening to the inner nudges that led me to connect with people, to ask them questions, to listen to their stories. After every single one of those conversations, I always received similar feedback: “Thank you. This has been so helpful. It’s so good to feel like someone actually cares.” And I truly did. I cared so deeply for each of these people, that eventually I had to start questioning the voice inside that told me I was a phony, that told me I was manipulating people by pretending to be nice.
That voice was actually a remnant from my childhood, and the devastating effect of narcissistic abuse. It wasn’t until I started trying to debunk it, that I finally realized how illogical it was. It was also the voice that kept me in that Type A merry-go-round of perfectionism, self criticism, and shame.
Was there a moment when the clouds parted and I suddenly realized I’m a great person and totally worthy of love and respect, just like any other human? No– it came in time. I kept showing up. I kept listening to that inner nudge that called me to meet new people, to listen to more stories, and to share my own story in a way that let people know: I get it. You’re not alone. We can do this.
Eventually, that purpose-led action taking did exactly what I think it was meant to do: it showed me the way back to my own inner wisdom, and the beauty that lies within, in a way that is completely individual to me. What kind of coach would I be, if I couldn’t take a dose of my own medicine at times?? This is why I am so passionate about the work I do now, helping women rebuild their inner terrain and regain a sense of self-trust and hope after experiencing narcissistic abuse. Because I truly believe (and now I know firsthand) that the beauty we are here to share with the world is merely hidden by our very fears and insecurities, if we are willing to face them and meet ourselves with grace.
What were my fears trying to tell me? That if I embraced my strengths and walked with pride, I would have upset the balance of a dysfunctional family.. and that would have been dangerous as a child. But now, as an adult, those fears led me to an even deeper truth: I am a compassionate, generous, brave, intelligent, talented, loving human. I was never here to dim my light or to keep myself small. I am here to embrace who I really am, and because of what I went through, meeting myself with acceptance and love took a whole lot of courage.
If I can do that, I feel good saying that I can handle so many other things. It may be an unconventional version of confidence and self-esteem, but I’m here for it. 🙂
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
Ahh, I feel like I kind of gave this away a little bit in the last question. 🙂 So I’ll say, I’m a certified health & life coach, but my passion lies in the “how” of my coaching: I’m not just giving surface level advice when I talk to a person. I’m truly meeting them where they’re at, listening to the things they’re saying as well as the things they’re not saying, and I’m always deeply feeling. There is something so sacred about holding space with another human who has felt pain, excitement, fear, joy, anger, freedom… All the things that make us human feel like they’re with us in that space, and for a moment it’s almost like all the potential is there with us, too. My favorite part of coaching is bringing words to what I feel/hear in that space, and helping you feel your potential as much as I do. The creativity in how you told me your story, or the beauty in the way you cared for others despite being in pain. Whatever it looks like for you, I feel a sense of awe and gratitude for each person. And I try to help make sure you do, too. It’s hard to really put into words, but I know that we will both leave a coaching session changed, and I’m grateful every time.
I’m currently in a re-brand of my business, we’ll be transitioning to Way Home Wellness soon! But for now I am still residing in my quaint little corner of the internet: yournorthstarrising.com — and the doors are currently open to my private community for women! You can send me an email to join, it’s currently free to join and we have weekly Women’s Circle calls for group coaching, sharing tidbits of life, and just feeling supported and seen.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
I would say curiosity, vulnerability, and honesty.
If you ever feel backed into a corner or frantic, my advice is to get curious. What could you learn from this? What is really happening under the surface? Is what you’re thinking *really* true? Why were you taught to do it this way? Etc.
I would also say that vulnerability is the key to an open heart, and it means allowing yourself to have needs, and be less than perfect… and to allow others to be that way, too.
As for honesty, I just know that a relationship cannot be as deep and true as you want it to be, without being honest and having the sense of clarity and sometimes direction that comes from that. This applies to relationships with others, and to your relationship with yourself. And when the going gets hard, remind yourself: I am safe. I’m okay.
Alright, so before we go we want to ask you to take a moment to reflect and share what you think you would do if you somehow knew you only had a decade of life left?
Oh, man. I would totally travel as much as possible. Even if it’s not far. I would just make sure to go places and see things, and of course have my kids with me so I could witness them seeing things, too. That would be so beautiful. And talking to people. That’s so important! A conversation with a stranger, a smile when you pass someone, they all matter so much. You never know how much that could help someone, and help you learn things, too! And really, being in nature, enjoying different foods, experiencing the world with the people I love.. that would be more than enough for me.
Contact Info:
- Website: yournorthstarrising.com
- Instagram: instagram.com/northstar.rising
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ashanakaiulani/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@NorthStar.Rising
- Other: https://open.spotify.com/show/5oF8YV1XFYp3c5Bbvja5Qv?si=75880c8b9f6e422f
Image Credits
Jasmine Santana Photography
