Meet Bobby Hubner

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Bobby Hubner a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Bobby, sincerely appreciate your selflessness in agreeing to discuss your mental health journey and how you overcame and persisted despite the challenges. Please share with our readers how you overcame. For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.

So, about 3 years ago I got tested for Autism Spectrum Disorder at the age of 42.

This was a very eye-opening thing for me to do, so many things just had not made sense to me throughout my entire life, and I finally hit that wall of unanswered questions about who I actually am as a person. I had always felt… different, separate from most of my peers in some way.

I was always a smart, fun-loving child but I also felt like I didn’t grasp things in the same way others did, and the things they struggled with usually felt very simple and common sense to me.

For instance, I was always very inventive as a child, others would discuss things they wanted to do, but I would physically try to solve the problem in some way. The other kids would be amazed at the things I came up with, but couldn’t seem to figure it out the same way I did. On the other hand I was never good at understanding how the other kids were feeling or why something would bother them so deeply.

I was an only child being raised by a working mom, so “normal” family dynamics often eluded me, I never really knew the sibling bond or the fatherly guidance, so I just felt like a bit of an outsider around my peers in a lot of critical ways. In order to gain the affirmation I needed that I wasn’t getting from an extended family, I had to develop my ability to communicate with others, and figure out how to “care” about some of the same things they cared about.

It’s a pretty typical struggle for acceptance in this country, but I didn’t know that at the time. So even in learning how to communicate with the rest of the world, I spent much of my life feeling like no matter how smart or skilled I might be at things I was, nobody understood “me”… the inner me. A very lonely concept as I aged into young adulthood.

Seemed like all my friends eventually “figured it out”, but I got stuck in a state of excelling at some things until the loneliness would kick in and make me feel as though there was no real point to excel at all, because it was just me out here. I eventually resigned to doing whatever I wanted to do, instead of grabbing ahold of responsibility like most of my peers.

As I’m sure you can imagine, I developed some seriously unhealthy coping mechanisms. And those persisted well into adulthood. I took on a myriad of different professions throughout my adult years, picked up on everything really fast, became the best at every job I took on, then burned out just as fast.

I was always very organized in my work life, I liked to set the example on the job, but my actual life was usually a big mess. I had no self-care, no understanding of my own emotional rollercoaster, and spent the majority of my free time trying to find affirmation from others.

Because I had never been pushed to continue with something after I had lost interest in it, I never really learned what self-sacrifice was, giving of oneself for the benefit of others. Over time, this all coalesced into a very disconnected and selfish persona that I wrapped myself in like an armor.

And yet, I was always very connected to the physical world, nature, and the actual concepts of social interaction… I just wasn’t good at applying the things I knew in useful ways.

Finding out that I’m right up there next to Asperger’s Syndrome on the autism spectrum has opened the floodgates of understanding for me. I’ve been able to go back in time in my head, and make sense of everything that eluded me for so long.

All the different jobs, where I picked up a million useful skills – all the failed relationships, where I learned so many of my hidden social dysfunctions and how to navigate them – all the constant up and down of caring then not caring… it all started making sense to me.

I can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the simply outrageous life I’ve lived, or the tremendous lessons I’ve gained throughout that life, I could fill a book the size of the Bible with the knowledge I’ve picked up about people and the world.

Now that I know that my ADHD and mild OCD have guided much of my decision making, I understand the impulsive, chaotic life has all been due to not having the proper “mental tools” to make sense of things. I now know that the C-PTSD that started in my early childhood is what led to all those seriously damaging coping tactics later in my development, so I know that I was never actually alone, I just THOUGHT I was.

I now get that subconsciously, I was always trying to solve the puzzle of my neuro-divergent mind, to find the equation that allows me to translate the world around me into a plan that I understand inside.

I have FOUND that equation finally, and the whole world is opening up to me like rainclouds on a desert… new life, new ideas, emotional solidarity, empathy, new ways of applying those myriad skills I’ve gained into a functional life… it’s genuinely a beautiful thing.

I know now that I’m NOT CRAZY. I just thought I was. I know that I need you, just like you need me, even if neither of us realize it. I have amazing things to give you, simply by communicating a life you’ve never lived. Simple words that can absolutely rewrite the narrative of your very soul, guidance gained through experiencing the depths and heights of the human experience.

I have reconnected with my spirit, which is the same spirit that quietly runs through us all. If you’ve ever heard the term “in the flow”, you’ll understand how the direction of my life has turned. Simply by understanding and accepting myself, I have tuned into this built-in ability to accept all of life and everyone in it.

I have learned accountability in a way that supercedes simple responsibility. I am accountable for myself just as you are accountable for yourself. I have no control over your ability to accept that accountability, but by simply holding myself accountable and communicating that to you, I rewrite your own understanding of how to do that for yourself, like planting a little seed.

I know that seed will sit there and slowly be watered by your own human experience, and one day, when you hit that wall of needing to solve the puzzle that is your mind, you will be able to recall a guy’s words in an article you read once about overcoming mental health issues.

Because trust me, we all “suffer” from a thing or two, whether we realize it or not. But it’s nothing you can’t overcome, I promise you that. When you have an imbalanced idea, it simply needs to be refamed from another’s balancing perspective to find that sweet spot in the middle, where logic and reason meet imagination and empathy.

To truly try to think of things from this balancing perspective, accept that it IS possible to feel that way because another person feels it, then allow yourself to feel that person’s words. While you may not fully process the feels exactly in that direction, it will take the sting out of the idea and allow you to see more than just ONE perspective. Now you aren’t trapped in your own imbalance…. And you can grow.

Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?

It’s funny, just a few short years ago, I was operating my own automotive detailing service, OneWash Mobile Detailing, and I was really rock and rolling, earning a reputation for excellence in both the marketing of my business and the quality of my services.

Then life happened, and I lost my left kidney and about half of my right kidney to cancer, and I was forced to figure out a much less physically demanding direction to try and take my efforts… working in the heat like that was no longer sustainable.

I’m a smart guy, I took s step back and evaluated my strengths and weaknesses on a very basic level.

I’m above average with my grasp of the English language, I have an eloquence,a way of verbalizing things in a way that speaks to people, that is increasingly uncommon in our modern society. I also have a decent grasp of photography and editing, I’ve got a strong understanding of sales, and how to present most things in a positive, desirable light.

This led me to deciding to help another person advance their business using my gained knowledge and skills… and I’m finding such fulfillment in it.

I have a friend named Rabi, he’s a small business owner in his 30’s, his family has been making some of the highest quality, healthiest dog chews in the world for the past decade, and wholesaling them to various pet shops all around the country.

Rabi decided to get online and see how all his family’s chews were selling online, only to discover that the pet shops had been vastly overcharging for these chews, considering the low cost they had been buying them for.

He also discovered that a lot of entrepreneurs had discovered this gem of a product, and begun creating their own mass-produced, lesser quality versions of these chews, and they were selling like hotcakes.

So he decided to take his family’s business to the retail market, to bring back the original premium product to the public for the cost they SHOULD be paying for it. He started by simply running a booth at the local farmers markets, and he was receiving a lot of positive feedback about his product.

When I met Rabi, his setup was very basic, but he was consistently making impressive sales numbers at the local markets. I say and watched his workflow one day, and I realized a few key things at once:

1. This guy believes in his family’s product to the core, he has a vision of using it as a stepping stone to creating a tremendous community of conscious dog owners. It’s not about selling chews to him, it’s about creating a family and improving the quality of the human experience through his family’s values.

2. The product is unmatched in quality, price, and general demand. Given the right brand voice, this product has worldwide, staple-product potential.

3. As a business owner, Rabi has all the things that make a successful entrepreneur. He has discipline, a solid moral compass, a sense of urgency, a strong vision for his company’s future, and an open mind, as well as having a family full of savvy business owners.

4. I really feel the message he is pushing, and I know enough to help him take his business to the next level, by simply increasing his brand voice and getting it out there.

I stepped into the ring with him, helped him design an aesthetically pleasing visual brand, and started putting together a social media voice for his company. Since then, his sales have expanded significantly, and he has begun expanding his presence regionally.

People are seriously responding to the Yak Chewz brand, and I see this company hitting a level equivalent to another popular dog treat company that makes bacon strip chews, I think you know who I mean. The level of marketing and organization this will require is honestly out of my league at the moment, but I’m a quick study and I’m fearless in business.

So far, just the organic movement of this business has been so powerful, I’ve become an integral part of the brand and can see my efforts paying off in ways I never thought I’d see. I have no doubt that we will push this brand all the way to the level Rabi envisions, all the elements are there and we have no intention of missing the bus on this.

When the right opportunity presents itself, we will make the push from a Florida regional brand to a household staple for dog owners everywhere. It’s going to take expertise in expansion, so we’re exploring all of our options. Just need a little guidance from someone who has expanded a company similar to this before.

It’s been a year I’ve been helping with Yak Chewz, and other local businesses are taking notice of the efficacy of my efforts… I’ve been approached by numerous business owners wanting to enlist my skills and coach them on how to get their brands to “pop”, which is monumental for me.

I’ve also taken to helping another friend, Isaac, with his lifestyle brand, “B-ing Human”. He too wants to create a community, one free of discrimination and bias, in which we all focus on the things we have in common as humans instead of only highlighting the various things that make us different.

Race, gender, religious background, sexual orientation, mental health stigmas, financial status… NONE of these hold a candle to B-ing Human. We are truly all important and worth respect on a very basic level, before all of the labels, and that’s the message we are pushing with Isaac’s brand.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out of I had never learned the power of communication…

I don’t mean simply speaking and comprehending speech, I mean real communication: using active listening to truly hear and process another person’s spoken thoughts, using empathy to understand how this person is feeling about the words they are saying, then using critical thinking to discover how my own thought processes can tie in with theirs to produce a new, undiscovered outcome.

When done correctly, communication is akin to digging for gold, at first it may feel as though you don’t even know where to start. But once you do start, it’s hard to simply give up, knowing this priceless treasure is right under the surface somewhere.

When 2 or more people are able to effectively communicate toward a goal or solution to a problem, and they succeed in finding that gold under the surface… it’s powerful. Everyone involved feels a sense of relief, and they understand each other’s equation well enough to do it again, often leading to more discovery, understanding, possibly even friendship.

My advice on how to develop more effective communication? Listen more than you speak, ask questions until you understand the goal of the communication, and don’t be afraid to throw your ideas out there, even if you’re uncertain about them. Really strive to understand another person’s thought processes instead of simply trying to push your own agenda as a solution, even if you’re convinced that your way is the only answer. It takes two to tango, and if you aren’t able to understand the way the other person is moving, then you’re gonna step on their toes and end up dancing alone.

Another area that is crucial for continuing growth past mental health issues is awareness…. situational awareness and especially self-awareness. For a long time, I didn’t realize I had issues in these areas, so I was stuck in this little box. I couldn’t see past my own needs and wants, nor did I see any reason to even LOOK any deeper. As far as I was concerned, it was the world’s fault that things went badly for me, it was the world’s fault that I was constantly unhappy, and of course I thought I was doing everything the way I was supposed to do.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. I had a counselor that kinda woke me up to reality, she made me realize that if there is a consistent pattern in my life of “try, fail, blame, give up”, then the problem isn’t the world, it’s my own processes that are lying to me. I wasn’t paying attention to what was going on around me, I was simply seeing whatever I needed to see in order to align with my goal, but that is, in essence, just ignoring reality and believing that just because I say something is the way it is, that it will naturally just become that way.

I was also ignoring the processes that my own mind was experiencing, I would simply accept that I was basically correct about everything and go into problem-solving from that stance. As you can imagine, this did not usually play out well, and when actual reality would show itself, I would blame and give up.

I now pay very close attention to my own mind, to make sure I’m not lying to myself, believing something just because I want it to be true. I’ve learned to occasionally separate my self from the situation and try to observe from other people’s perspectives. What is this person seeing, and how does it differ from what I’m seeing? Am I seeing things this way because I have an agenda tied to the outcome, or am I genuinely looking for a solution that benefits everyone?

Becoming self-aware is the most difficult awareness to attain, as it requires us to take our beliefs about ourselves off of their soapbox and accept that we are not the actual center of our own universe. By looking at our minds and processes from an outside perspective, it starts to show the Imperfect nature of our humanity, and requires us to accept that imperfection. It requires us to humble ourselves and realize that we really ARE just as human as everyone else.

Learning this self-awareness and humility has a powerful side-effect however, it starts making you really see other people objectively. You begin to see the ways this person is the same as you, and it makes it much easier to start finding solutions that are compatible for everyone, not just for yourself.

I was a much different person before I started trying to really understand myself and others, and now I feel so much more complete as a person. I’m no longer the center of my universe, and it’s so much more fulfilling. My personal relationships have blossomed, my professional endeavors are becoming fruitful, and my general state of anxiety has dissolved. I’m much happier being a small part of something bigger than myself, as opposed to being “large and in charge”.

If you knew you only had a decade of life left, how would you spend that decade?

Ironic that this is one of the questions, as I recently underwent a bout with kidney cancer at age 41, losing my left kidney and half of my right kidney in the process. I was stage 3 and could have easily pushed myself hard enough to die prematurely if they had not caught it… even after treatment, my actual life expectancy has been significantly reduced.

So this question is a solid possibility for me, one that I think about all the time. I have a 16 year old daughter that had to go through some pretty heavy stuff due to her mother bailing out on her and her siblings at about 12 years old, then I went through my own life problems that had a direct effect on her as well.

Since turning my life around, it has been a primary goal of mine to set a real example for her to follow. If for any reason I end up checking out sooner than expected, I really truly need my daughter to have a good set of personal processes to call upon to help her navigate this life.

If I’ve only got a decade left, that means every interaction is important, I only have a short amount of time to set an example for her to follow. So my self-awareness has kicked in so much stronger, I think of the long-term effects of my words and actions now, I always think, “how will this be processed by my child once I’m gone?”

Whatever my legacy might end up being, the person I was for so many years before now is definitely NOT what I want the world to remember me as, so I have taken to really digging into my humanity. It’s important to me to make a better name for myself, and to show my kid that there is a better way to see the world around her. One that allows for other people to be just as important as herself, and allows for forgiveness and understanding.

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