We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Brenda Viola a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Brenda, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Bullied as a child for being 100 pounds in kindergarten, I thought if I could just be thin, I would be accepted. Fast forward to photos of me from high school, I am painfully thin…yet still bullied for being “stuck up.”
I’ll show them! I’ll be hugely successful!
So I embarked on a TV career. After beating out thousands to win a slot as one of QVC’s first show hosts, I thought, “finally…”
…and then I was unceremoniously dumped for not selling enough.
Trying to find meaning, and grasping to belong, I ended up in a toxic church cult…then a bad marriage.
At age 55, I finally got off of the hamster wheel and realized that I had always looked for validation from others. I lived to make everyone else happy (unsuccessfully) and in the process, was miserable. The common denominator? I grasped for acceptance from external sources. As a result, my confidence was as unstable as a perceived slight or negative comment.
When I came to my senses, I left that bad marriage. But that wasn’t the victory, because I soon realized that “Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.” That realization began a journey to know myself; to find out why and how I kept settling for less in my profession, my relationships, and every area of my life. When I finally looked inward (with the help of a gifted shaman) I saw that from an early age, I had betrayed myself.
In fact – I saw the exact point where my outer being and inner being separated. At age ten, my dad suddenly died. Terrified of burdening my grieving mom or anyone else, I locked all of my emotions inside. There was the outer Brenda, smiling and not making waves. And on the inside? Well, I was completely disassociated from my inner being. I learned to shut down my feelings and live in such a way that no one’s boat would be rocked. I sacrificed authenticity, because I didn’t value myself.
The beautiful outcome of that spiritual retreat was making a decision to never turn my back on myself again; to love and value myself, “embracing my flawsomeness,” I found unshakeable confidence and a home within myself that no external critic could dismantle. Oh how I wish I had learned this lesson earlier – but oh how glad I am that I have truly felt alive in the years since this awakening. Self-confidence is never about other people. Not the parents that failed you, the bullies on the playground, the bosses or lovers that rejected you. It’s about the relationship you have with yourself.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
Settling Your Worth is a keynote I now deliver to audiences around the country. What a privilege to see the lights come on and encourage others to “never turn their backs on themselves again.” This message of self-esteem is a cornerstone of all my work, whether delivering How to be Heard (without Screaming!) to executive teams hoping to improve their communication skills, one-on-one coaching, or presenting my Survival Guide Workshop to ward off burnout
Based on my 2020 book, The Public Servants’ Survival Guide, the workshop invites participants to assess themselves using ten critical checkpoints. The scores are revealing and often are a catalyst for positive change. So many busy professionals are simply weary and need to step back, evaluate, and course-correct. Savvy conference organizers bring me in to guide this workshop because they realize the importance of addressing the well-being of their team members and, in the process, showing that they truly care.
Because my purpose is to uplift others, my work grew to online training, making this encouragement available to individuals who may not hear me at a national conference. My Inspiration Subscription is a low-cost series of four classes (Dealing with Difficult People Effectively, How to be Heard (without Screaming) and Parts I and II of The Survival Guide. Attendees who can’t make the live session receive the recordings to watch at their leisure. Here’s the link to subscribe: https://tixoom.app/brendaviola/bundles/x44xny8n
People often wonder why my company is called Vici Communications LLC instead of Viola Communications! I love sharing the answer. “Vici” means “I conquered.” I love helping people conquer their communications, conference and corporate culture challenges. My logo is a butterfly and it reminds me that we, just like the caterpillar, all go through dark times. But as we keep pressing against the chrysallis, we are actually gaining strength in our wings to fly. My mission is to inspire others to keep pressing. The dark time will not last forever.
This mission led to the creation of my podcast, The Alchemy of Pain: https://open.spotify.com/show/4L2f2I0pxy1xzLwvcadfN1
Interviews with amazing individuals who have survived difficulties or surmounted grueling challenges focus on what they learned in the process and how it changed them forever, for good. Episode 0 focuses on my own story; a series of losses from 2021 – 2023 proved gut-wrenching. My mother, my beloved partner, my dog, my job…all gone in rapid succession. Just as I seemed to recover from one trauma, another would appear. Yet at the end of this period, I discovered in a meaningful way what I always taught: “There’s one person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. And it’s you.” The relationship I had with myself; settling my own self-worth, gave me the resilience to face every challenge and indeed, conquer.
It’s a joy to live my purpose and an honor to lift people up, whether online or in person. I’d welcome inquiries regarding coaching or speaking to your team or at your next conference. “Aha! moments. Guaranteed.”
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
1. COMMUNICATION is a skill that has served me throughout my personal and professional life. People don’t hesitate to take a class to improve their golf swing or master a new language – but they rarely ask for help when it comes to the written or spoken word. Knowing how to get what’s in your head out of your mouth effectively is paramount to success in every area of life, and I recommend taking advantage of even just a half-hour coaching session to “tune-up” your skills. And if you have an important presentation to give or will be featuring on a podcast? Maybe that BIG conversation with your boss about a raise or negotiating the terms of a new position? Investing in a communication coach will pay dividends that will benefit you for the rest of your life.
2. CANDOR goes back to the self-worth issue. We put on false fronts, say yes when we should say no, and eternally people please when we don’t feel confident in ourselves. When we finally shake off inauthenticity, what a relief! All of that energy you used to spend to hide from your truth can then be spent living your truth. Caution, though – candor without communication skills can come across negatively. There’s ALWAYS a graceful and gracious way to say a thing. Be true to you, but keep candor classy.
3. SELF-AWARENESS will make you better at reading any room you enter. If you aren’t it touch with yourself, you’ll never be able to sense the needs, timing, and other nuances of interacting with others. Cranky? Maybe you worked without breakfast and through lunch! No wonder you have no patience for the next Zoom meeting. Understanding your own psyche; being in tune with your own emotions will allow you to course-correct before crashing and burning. (That’s why I love The Survival Guide. It literally stops you from barrelling ahead and causes you to evaluate with a dose of self-care.)
As we end our chat, is there a book you can leave people with that’s been meaningful to you and your development?
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz first frustrated me, then it changed me.
1. Be impeccable with your word. Say what you mean; use words to offer love; speak with integrity.
2. Don’t take anything personally. When we do, it causes needless suffering because what people say or do has nothing to do with you.
3. Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions; seek clarity to avoid misunderstandings.
4. Always do your best. This will change from moment to moment, but ultimately, you’ll avoid self-judgment and regret.
I find when I am in fear or distress; anxiety or depression – even anger or malaise – it’s because I violated one of these four.
The best part? I can go back to where I got off track, and adjust.
Following these four creates a beautiful, peaceful life inside ourselves and with others.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.brendaviola.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brendaviola_vicicommunications/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BrendaViola722/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/brenda-viola/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@brendaviola9075
- Other: https://open.spotify.com/show/4L2f2I0pxy1xzLwvcadfN1
Image Credits
Rebecca Russo, Bec Photography, Jacksonville, FL
