Meet Concetta Abbate

We were lucky to catch up with Concetta Abbate recently and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Concetta, really happy you were able to join us today and we’re looking forward to sharing your story and insights with our readers. Let’s start with the heart of it all – purpose. How did you find your purpose?

I began playing the violin at age 4 and have always grown up around working musicians. I performed violin at my first wedding when I was 12 years old and was very confused to see the bride crying because I had never seen tears of joy! From an early age I understood that being a working musician meant being a part of the most precious and transitional moments of people’s lives. When I began getting asked to create custom music programs for funerals and memorial services I understood my role as musician at a whole new level. As a music composer and program curator I was able to create live music experiences that were a unique reflection of that person’s life. My background as a classical musician who has also studied jazz, pop and various forms of folk music gave me a versatility that I saw many other musicians did not have. In 2022 I completed a Death Doula training which furthered my understanding of music’s role in the grief process both for families and for the actively dying person. Being a musician for people around End of Life Transition is a role that activates every corner of my talent and skill set. It requires bravery, courage and patience. These were assets I’ve cultivated over the years as a part of my core values and have become critical to my growth in this field.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

As a musician and freelancer in NYC I have never kept all of my “eggs in one basket”. My jobs have included orchestra musician, recording studio musician, music composer, music arranger, music educator, concert organizer, you name it! Creating my organization Sound & Memory was a way to activate every skill set I’ve cultivated over the years.
Sound & Memory (www.soundandmemory.com) is a music and arts service providing personalized memorial offerings including live music, original music compositions, recordings and workshops. I seek to explore innovative ways to incorporate music into contemporary rituals for both grief and death and open up practical conversations around end of life planning and legacy work. I intend to serve people who are secular or spiritual but not part of a traditional religious community and may not have an avenue to access mourning music that feels relevant to their lived experience. Music has the power to strengthen communities facing the loss of a loved one by evoking the legacy of that person’s life and should be accessible to all. It should reflect our culture’s evolving values around interfaith global spirituality and care for the environment in the evolving landscape of climate change. Sound & Memory can accept tax deductible donations as it is fiscally sponsored by the Groupmuse Foundation. My goal is to provide my services at sliding scale rates to those in need.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

Consistent Effort
When I was younger I used to practice my violin for three hour stretches at a time, wearing out my body and my brain. As I grow older I’ve learned to focus on my goals with consistent daily effort and plan long term giving myself enough flexibility and breaks to not burn out. When life gets rocky, which it inevitably will, take your time and make space before diving back into work.

Collaboration and Community
If you are doing some kind of social justice work or public service related work it will require building a network of folks who have a diverse amount of skill sets that can stretch beyond what you are capable of accomplishing on your own. Meet people in the same field of work who are doing different kinds of services. For example as a musician working in the end of life space I have connected with funeral directors, funeral celebrants, hospice educators and other death doulas who may find usefulness in incorporating music into their practice. Uplift others because the success of your colleagues and community will symbiotically lead to your success. At the same time don’t bother chasing the approval of people who couldn’t be bothered with what you are doing or may behave in a competitive way towards you.

Patience
A plant doesn’t flower in every season and a lot of the work of running an organization or making art is “planting seeds”. Find enjoyment in the process and keep expectations open. There are so many unpredictable factors that could come into play, but (referring back to my first tip) stay consistent, practice daily and stay focused and think long term.

Before we go, any advice you can share with people who are feeling overwhelmed?

Working with people who are dying and their families can be very emotionally taxing. I trust my intuition when something doesn’t feel right and give myself permission to say no or excuse myself from a situation as needed. I make space to work out my own fears and personal issues so that I can recognize and acknowledge when those things are triggered by the work I’m doing.

Boundaries are key when doing work that involves supporting others. If we are not healthy or well we cannot work. Our personal wellbeing needs to be number one priority. If you can do some kind of training in your field you plan to work in or talk to others already in the field that can help you to define boundaries and communicate them up front. My musician and death doula mentors already have established rates and protocols and they have been happy to share with me over the years to help maintain industry standards and avoid uncomfortable scenarios.

Rather than trying to solve everything on my own I think of myself as a connector or a facilitator thinking about who in the community network could be empowered to fill certain roles in each working scenario. Through empowering the community in which we work we accomplish so much more without feeling overwhelmed.

My most comforting activities are taking care of my plants, hanging out with my dog Pepper, cooking and going on long walks around NYC. Working in End of Life spaces gives me so much opportunity to see beauty in the mundane and appreciate small moments.

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Image Credit: Alice Teeple

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