We recently connected with Darlynn Childress and have shared our conversation below.
Darlynn, we’re thrilled to have you on our platform and we think there is so much folks can learn from you and your story. Something that matters deeply to us is living a life and leading a career filled with purpose and so let’s start by chatting about how you found your purpose.
I used to be a reactive, angry, and overwhelmed mama.
While putting my 4-year-old to bed after another terrible day, I said to him, “I love you so much.” He replied, “I know you love me, but I just don’t think you like me very much.”
My heart broke into a million pieces. I needed to find a new way to parent.
I tried every traditional parenting strategy, and my kid’s behavior got worse…and made me feel like a failure.
That’s when I went on a deep-dive into all things parenting. I knew that traditional parenting strategies, like bribes, time outs, sticker charts, yelling, explaining and lecturing weren’t working, so I searched for a new approach.
When I replaced traditional parenting strategies with a calm and compassionate approach to misbehavior there was much more peace in my home.
This transformation didn’t happen overnight. Because what I needed was a simple parenting model that would help me get calm, connect better, and set limits without using threats and fear.
There wasn’t a parenting model out there so I developed a simple parenting model that I still use every day to navigate the tricky parenting moments that come up daily (Sometimes hourly! Sometimes every 10 minutes!).
I call this parenting model The Calm Mama Process. I developed The Calm Mama Process – which focuses on getting mom calm first – so I could connect and set limits without losing my sh!t all the time.
I started sharing The Calm Mama Process with my friends, who shared with their friends , who shared with their friends.
Over the past 12+ years, I have taught hundreds of parents The Calm Mama Process and I have seen their families transformed from chaos to calm, from anger to compassion, from confusion to clarity.
My life mission is to give parents the tools they need to raise emotionally healthy kids. My purpose in life is to “heal the next generation in advance” and it all started with choosing to heal myself first.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
Most parenting models focus on the child’s feelings and behavior. The tools taught are about managing children’s behavior.
Those tools are really important. But when a parent is overwhelmed and stressed, it’s really challenging to remember what to say or do.
That’s why in my programs I focus on the parent’s emotional health first. I teach parents how to manage their emotions and stress, so they don’t dump all of that on their kid.
Once the parent can regulate their own stress response, they are able to apply the other parenting tools I teach; like emotional coaching, limit setting, and non-punitive based restitution.
Since 2012, I’ve helped hundreds of parents, with all different family situations, shift from anger, overwhelm and disconnection, to a calm and peaceful family. From the inside out.
For every parent who makes this shift, it comes down to doing these 3 things
-Calm your stress response so you are less reactive to your kids behavior.
-Create a foundation for teaching emotional regulation to your kids.
-Set up limits and routines that get your kids to think before they act.
Getting good at these 3 things is at the core of The Emotionally Healthy Kids Course; my 6 week parenting course for parents who want to practice gentle and connected parenting, but get stuck by confusion, overwhelm, and their own emotions.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
I’ve always been a very self-reflective person. I have a genuine curiosity to understand why I behave certain ways. I’m a student of my own internal world and have been on a lifetime journey towards greater emotional health.
It’s almost like I know how to be therapeutic with myself.
Not only has self-inquiry catapulted my ability to grow as a person, but it has been invaluable as a mom and life coach. The tools I use to understand myself; why I think, feel and act in certain ways, are the same tools I’ve put into place to help my children understand themselves.
I teach the same self-awareness and self-reflection tools that I use to the parents I work with, so they can heal themselves and support their children’s emotional health.
My advice to any parent who wants to be more compassionate and gentle towards their kids is to practice self-reflection. When you “lose it” with your kid, take a few minutes to reflect. Instead of beating yourself up with guilt, or blaming your kid, get a little curious. Try to figure out why you felt so stressed and come up with new ideas for coping.
If you want to change the patterns in your home, and offer true compassion and empathy towards your child, you must first be able to identify your own thoughts and feelings and understand how those thoughts and feelings trigger your parenting actions.
What was the most impactful thing your parents did for you?
Despite being raised by a single mom of 4, who had untreated clinical depression for most of my life, a “deadbeat” dad, and being surrounded by a lot of addiction and abuse, I turned out ok.
I’ve often wondered why that is…
What was the thing that helped me become the extremely resilient person I am?
The answer is this: The thing that saved me was the unconditional love and acceptance of my mom.
When you have one person in your life who delights in you, who believes in you, who is always in your corner, who doesn’t judge you for messing up, who says “home is where I am”… you’re anchored in a deep inner knowing of self-worth.
When you have one person who no matter how terrible the world is, no matter how hard things are, no matter how mean I’m being to myself, no matter how lost I feel, is an unconditional and safe “landing”…you’re willing to keep going, keep reaching, keep failing, towards what is possible.
I’ve created a bunch of amazing parenting tools to help parents tap into the things my mom knew to do instinctively.
It’s like she knew that even though she couldn’t give me new clothes, a nice house, healthy food, a stable home environment, or even physical safety from really shitty men, she could always give me her unconditional love and whole-hearted, pure acceptance.
And that was enough. Her love and acceptance was an anchor in my quite stormy childhood.
I give her unconditional love full credit for all of my life success. Her love for me is what I’ve been working towards feeling towards myself.
Unconditional self-love and unconditional self-acceptance is the holy grail of personal development. What a gift to have received that from the person who knew me best.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/darlynnchildress/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/darlynnchildress/
- Other: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/become-a-calm-mama
Image Credits
Stephanie Gill Ziva Santop Gina Reese
