Meet Derek Jolley

We were lucky to catch up with Derek Jolley recently and have shared our conversation below.

Derek, we’re thrilled to have you sharing your thoughts and lessons with our community. So, for folks who are at a stage in their life or career where they are trying to be more resilient, can you share where you get your resilience from?

In my life, I have always tried to do the right thing. Like anyone, I have made mistakes, but I am only human, and I believe that everyone deserves respect and a fair shake. That being said, sometimes life puts us at a crossroads which forces us to consider our morals and act on them, even when it wounds us considerably. Twice in my life, I have been in positions of influence and trust in creative communities where I became aware of terrible things being done by my colleagues.

In one instance, I was approached by a group of showgoers who told me that they did not feel comfortable attending an event I put together where certain persons were performing. Those individuals held considerable influence in that community had been soliciting those showgoers in reprehensible and inappropriate ways. Even though I had no idea this was going on, I was still disgusted and embarrassed at this realization, and I was angry that they didn’t feel comfortable attending a show I booked because of it. The moral dilemma was set. I had a choice to make: would I preserve my good standing in the scene and insulate myself from retaliation by keeping my mouth shut, or would I bring these issues to light and stand up for the safety of our community.

In another instance, I was a sound engineer and host at a popular venue where I often held events to bolster my charitable giving initiatives. I was running sound one day when a regular attendee confided in me that they were assaulted by a member of a band I had recently put on a show. The purpose of them approaching me was to ensure that they and others remained safe while staying involved in our community. As fate would have it, the individual in question attended the show I was working at, and from the vantage point of the sound booth I witnessed them slip something into a patron’s drink. There was no moral dilemma in this case. I knew what I had to do.

My family taught me from a young age that even when faced with adversity, I should always strive to be a good person and stand up for what I believe in. My Dad used to tell me that “the funny thing about decisions is that you never have to talk yourself into the right ones….doing the right thing is sometimes hard, but it’s always worth it.”

In the first case, I called out the individuals those showgoers told me about in the microphone by name during my band’s set. There was an audible gasp from the crowd and an eerie silence that followed. While most stood stunned by this revelation, others fled the room to report on my announcement. I failed in this case. If I could go back, I would have done things differently, helping those young showgoers get resources and support for the problems they were facing. Instead, I blew the lid off of the issue, attracted a myriad of negative attention to the community, formed factions supporting one side or the other, gave the individuals in question time to spread terrible rumors about me to discredit me, and then I was subsequently beat up by that group of cult-like musicians. I still receive threats to this day. My mental and physical health was destroyed, forcing me to withdraw into isolationism. They succeeded in silencing me, and my reputation was smeared by their lies. For all I know, they were never held accountable. This is one of my greatest regrets.

In the second case, after seeing that person attempt to drug a patron, I did not hesitate to act immediately. I grabbed our bouncers and we confronted this person. I told them all what I had seen. This individual was caught red-handed, immediately grabbing and dumping the drink they had spiked. The police were involved, and that individual was banned from virtually every venue in the city. I was again assaulted for my efforts after work one night, receiving a knife wound to my left side (where I now have a gnarly scar). To this day, their supporters anonymously harass me in similar capacities to those in the first scenario: spreading terrible rumors about me, creating fake social media accounts to that end, sending me hate messages from burner email accounts, and even going so far as leaving notes on the windshield of my car telling me to (TW: suicide) kill myself. As someone who has faced lifelong mental health struggles (and was also sexually assaulted at a young age) you could probably imagine how difficult this was for me. I came very close to hurting myself in both cases, but I am grateful every day that I made it through. (PS: funny thing about patrons getting their drinks spiked at my venue… it was a serious and repeated problem before we kicked that individual out… it hasn’t happened since… very curious, huh?)…

In both cases, I followed my heart and did what was right, but I still suffer for it. People still slander me for it, and my mental and physical well-being is still threatened. I ultimately do not care if these people attack me day and night. I sleep quite soundly, safe in the fact that I did not falter when presented with some of the most difficult decisions a person in my position could ever face. You ask where I get my resilience from? The long answer is morality faced with circumstance. The short answer is from within. I’m far from finished doing the right thing.

 

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?

I’m lucky to be a part of an incredible music force called cuddledrug, which always has been 100% philanthropic. We’ve been a band since 2010 and have grown every year in new and wild ways. We are dedicated to utilizing our work to mobilize support and funding for various charitable giving initiatives. In the past we’ve worked hard to benefit the Domestic Violence Centers, CEO Foodbank, Ruth’s Place Women’s Shelter, UNICEF, various queer youth support entities, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, Geisinger Marworth Treatment Center’s Gift Of Hope Fund (which helps uninsured people get the help they need), and more organizations related to mental health support and addiction recovery access. This time around, we are raising money for the Ronald McDonald House Charities, which provide comfort, care and support for families with children who are sick around the world. To this end, we released a new EP on December 1st entitled “cuddledrug at peace.” We also released a music video for our new song “In Love With A Scientist” which features footage I shot and edited from around the world in 2023. I wrote the song in the Alaskan Arctic Circle when I was there this past summer working on a climate change project sponsored by the National Science Foundation. The song addresses the hopefulness and difficulty I witnessed in my field station colleagues as they attempted to manage their lives at home while simultaneously dedicating all of themselves to a greater purpose, in this case research which could very well help save the world. The link to the video will be at the end of this article. Thanks for checking it out!

 

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

This is a tough question, because I believe resilience is built from every source in a person’s life. It is difficult to narrow it down to three, but I will try….

The first area which I think is vital is self love. As I mentioned earlier in this article, when you strive to do the right thing, you’ll often get attacked for it. People will try to stop you, and it will be extremely difficult to push through it. You gotta love yourself and remember not to let the bastards get you down. Take time to recuperate. Give yourself a little treat. Celebrate your little wins, and don’t get discouraged by setbacks. Keep pushing. Take care of your physical and mental health. You can’t help anyone if you yourself can’t be helped. Everyone can always get better. People deserve love and respect. Don’t give up. Love everyone with all you got, but don’t forget to love yourself first.

The second area which I think is vital is to be part of a dream team. Nobody does anything alone. Even though I’ve been the organizer and spokesperson for my organization for 15 years, I would be nowhere if I didn’t have my band and if they didn’t have my back. I see myself more as a pirate captain than anything. The pirate captain serves at the pleasure of the crew. If the crew doesn’t like the pirate captain, they could throw them overboard and elect a new one. My team hasn’t thrown me overboard yet, and I believe every bit of that is due to the fact that I lead from the front, never give up, and consider myself a member of the team, rather than the head of it. Keep your people close. Remind them you love them too.

The third area which I think is vital is to be unapologetically authentic. I know it sounds super cliche to say “be yourself” but this is honestly so important. Don’t mold yourself to what you believe others want you to be. Too often, I have seen unique and interesting bands turn themselves into cookie-cutter versions of more popular bands for the sake of striving for success or recognition. Very often this strategy works, but at what cost? Zoom out far enough and it’s just another band doing the same thing via a proven model. Forget about all that. Only the most unapologetically unique make the history books.

 

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Any advice or strategies?

I’ve been holding a megaphone for mental health awareness for a long time now, and I always say that I am definitely not an expert. But, I still do everything I can to help. I always say that three strikes and you are NOT out. There is always one more thing you can do to be okay. That being said, I am no stranger to mental health struggles. I often feel overwhelmed and scared when doing the work that I do, and just navigating my life as best I could. First things first, disconnect. Stop doom scrolling. Tell your most important people that you’re unplugging for a minute to recharge your social battery. This could look like taking a break from socials or even turning your phone off for a whole day (as long as you still have a way to communicate if you need help, etc.). Secondly, don’t throw flames on the fire. This means don’t add substances which compound your symptoms. This also means don’t interact with unsafe people when you’re feeling unsafe. We all have finite resources available to handle our lives. Don’t spend all your emotional currency on one thing. Don’t drain your resilience haphazardly. Look to the past, learn what works and what doesn’t, then march forward once you have the strength to do so. Finally, don’t be afraid to change everything when it comes down to it. We only get one shot at living our lives. Don’t waste it trying to fight uphill battles that don’t even matter. Do all the good that you can, with all that you got, for as long as you can, and don’t let it kill you.

 

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Image Credits
All photos courtesy of Robin Drive Recordings.

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