Meet Eileen Ramos

We were lucky to catch up with Eileen Ramos recently and have shared our conversation below.

Eileen, we’ve been so fortunate to work with so many incredible folks and one common thread we have seen is that those who have built amazing lives for themselves are also often the folks who are most generous. Where do you think your generosity comes from?
The idea of me giving a stranger something magical—in a kismet when they really need it–sustains so much of my art and writing. It is in my mental health advocacy, where I break the stigma and share my experiences with bipolar disorder, suicide attempts, psychoses, delusions, severe depression, and anxiety. When I’m onstage, with a strong and bold voice I am more than willing to be vulnerable and remain unashamed, because I know someone there needs to be affirmed and seen like I did ages ago. I can talk freely about how my mind fractures—in job interviews, as a speaker at my alma mater where I had my second psychotic break, in company events, in EVERY space—because I want to show that we do not need to hide how we truly feel at all.

I spent so many needless years keeping quiet about being suicidal and my despair because I was deeply ashamed. And I truly thought this was always my personality, never a mental health condition that can be treated. I share my story aloud so that others can be given the grace to seek professional help and support. At least one person I know of sought a psychiatrist for their depression due to my performance. And I shared over email my mental health related works and videos, plus my journey to recovery, and it pushed a fellow bipolar, suicidal stranger to admit themself to the hospital. Months later they told me I saved their life and they became one of my closest friends.

For many years running, I have often written about my mental health difference in public, attaching my face, full name, and soft, booming voice. So that folks can witness that they can be brave too, if only to reach out to a loved one and let them know they desperately need help. And they can finally realize they are well worth the effort.

But beyond that, I love curating book packages for strangers through my project abandonedB2BDBC for Bored to Death Book Club based in Amsterdam. From Washington D.C., Nashville, Brooklyn, and most recently, the Philippines, I abandoned in public loosely connected books, zines, literary magazines, gifts, and a written project inspired by the above. In the last gift, I left it on a town square park bench at my grandmother’s hometown of Tagudin. Its theme was death, grief, and loss and I left the Radix Media anthology “Aftermath: Explorations of Loss & Grief”, the colorfully and sweetly illustrated and haunting zine “The Book of Lost Things” by Tou Ye Ye, a poetry book “Love, an Index” by Rebecca Lindenberg, Bored to Death Book Club tote bag and bookmark, a cigar box full of seemingly random (but not!) ephemera and gifts, and a small notebook where I display my own losses—fictional and otherwise.

No one has yet to reach out to me that they have any of my offerings, but that doesn’t discourage me at all. I love the idea of sowing wonder in a mundane place so folks can see that magic can occur at any moment, and that they too can contribute a glow anywhere. Being generous lights up my eyes and is such a motivator to create. I read deeply, research widely, blueprint in depth, daydream lovingly, scour thrift shops and my own hoard, and have scrawled so meticulously to get each present right. I even carefully hand selected the perfect place and timing, as I returned to the Philippines after 21 years to reunite the ashes of my grandmother with her deceased husband, my Lolo. I put so much devotion, effort, money, creativity, and time into this project that will never guarantee a recipient’s show of gratitude, because it is liberating to create a gift out of sheer love and hope for someone you’ll never cross paths with again. It’s one of my best ways to say thank you to this life I am so lucky and blessed and privileged to hold, after so many years of wishing for death.

For an Undiscovered Countries show, I performed an improvised monologue “Reaping Wonder” where I played a woman who is angry at the world and is late for a baby shower. She gets a pebble in her shoe and sits on a bench to remove it, and finds a folded lotus origami which she opens to reveal “Hold onto what soothes you, not what seethes you”. She makes fun of how corny and crappily made it is, but is able to let go her rage and move on. On each chair, I left a lotus with an unique and uplifting message, I even made new ones for folks who came in late. People came up to me to say how much they needed it, one person even cried. I wasn’t sure how my performance and the origami would be received and was nervous but it was deeply appreciated.

I also love editing people’s writing which I’m pretty adept at, given how folks for years would ask me to critique their comic book scripts, screenplays, graduate school personal statements, review articles, interviews, artist statements, play scripts, and more. All of which I do NOT have much or sometimes any experience writing haha. But I’m very attuned to grammar, spelling, flow, and coherency, and I always make it a point to ask them what their goals are and what they hope to achieve in their work. I can pick up discrepancies and where they can push it further and have their voice and arc stand out and bloom. I adore helping others and encouraging them to hand me back their revisions, no matter how many they may make.

I believe in sharing my talents, resources, art, and story with others and I want to help them thrive. If I can show folks that they deserve to be hopeful, relieve even a little bit of their pain and anxiety, then all this risk, giving, time taken, and vulnerability will be well worth it.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
Besides being a mental health advocate, stranger’s gift maker, and an editor, I love performing poetry and monologues onstage. Though I’ve written most of my life, adore the practice, and grew so much, being in front of the mic feels so much better, which I’m still not used to haha. I greatly enjoy being part of panels and open mics and sharing my voice and passion with the crowd. It’s exhilarating and fun, even when the topic can be hard and rarely discussed. Plus I tend to do something unexpected and unplanned under the spotlight which is just fantastic.

I’m curating book packages for folks who sign up for Books I Held. I have a ton of books, literary magazines, and zines that are no good for my burgeoning dust allergy, and it feels like a grand opportunity to finally read and ship these works to those who will enjoy them. However I’ve been struggling with anxiety and perfectionism, and it’s getting in the way of fulfillment. But I’ve decided to create a mandatory google form so I can organize the roster better and only looking at the request once I’m ready for them.

I won the lottery of Kleroteria.org which is an email listserv where if you subscribe, you can be randomly selected to write an email to all the fellow Kleroterians hehe. No pictures nor ads allowed, and only 3000 characters, but links are okay. This is my second time and I’ve been drafting the email for months, trying to get it right. I plan on announcing the relaunch of Books I Held there, while also offering wonderful websites that can truly enliven your life. Though at the moment, the email is missing a third component—me. I loved it when folks open up their heart and show their journey more than churning out advice without intimate context. But I don’t know what to say yet. What I feel is most urgent for everyone to know. I hope it comes to me soon and hopefully my newsletter will come out before the year is through as it’s released in order of submission.

I took an online class at the School of Poetic Computation called “Narrative Constellations: Exploring Choice, Time, and Location-based Storytelling” with one of my favorite artists April Soetarman and Lee Beckwith, where we learned how to create a wide range of stories as immersive experiences, twine games, and more. For my final project I created two rituals: Revive Your Joy boxes and Divination Runs on Dunkin’.

With the first you create a kit which you use after you felt your feelings and want to move on. It can be in a cigar box you decorate with a small notebook where you can write down how you feel, what you want to let go of, and blueprint a way to counteract it. Like feeling anxious over an argument with a partner and deciding you’ll write a loving letter to them. Then you proceed with the task and write down the result in the notebook and provide proof like a photo or an ephemera, along with a sticker, initials, or sigil to signify it’s done. You can also fill the box with projects you’re working on, treats, and lucky charms—basically anything that can improve your mood.

This and a divination ritual are in my zine: You Can Always Move Forward. At future zine fests and literary events I will table, I plan on selling that work and other zines I made, plus bring plenty of cigar boxes, art supplies, small notebooks, stickers, and stuff for attendees to make their own Revive Your Joy boxes. And with purchase I’m giving books that will brighten the attendees’ eyes. It’s basically a destash session haha. But no really, I just love the idea of giving folks objects that they would greatly enjoy and are actually meant for.

I also submitted to Dada Domicile which was a 3D mail art call by Day de Dada at the Newhouse Center for Contemporary Art in Staten Island. You create and mail Dada/Fluxus inspired furniture and household items that are doll-sized and they’ll get displayed from October 13-December 30, 2023. I bought a ceramic doll house room from a thrift shop and collaged all over the walls, and its back, glued down different dice and a heart shaped key, and created an event score out of dymo label tape: “Heart Piece: Unlock what is broken and realize you are not”. I did submit it late but I don’t regret all the time, careful detailing, anxiety, and effort at all because I love how it came out. Hopefully it’s displayed in that Staten Island art center, but if not, it’ll rest happily in the Day de Dada archives.

For the next abandonedB2DBC drop off, I’m reading Antonio Muñoz Molina’s To Walk Alone in the Crowd, its English translation from the original Spanish by Guillermo Bleichmar. It’s a fascinating novel and memoir that delves into walking in cities in such wide-ranging ways. Utterly inspiring. What’s different about this present is how I’m creating marginalia with highlighting, doodles, underlines, definitions, tangents, etc. It’ll be a diary where I imbue my present, past, and my fears and hopes for the future and an ongoing blueprint for the written project I will make that’s influenced by the book and its related works I’ll be selecting later on. I want every page to be defaced with my handwriting, with stickers, ink stamps, post-its, etc., and inserting ephemera and bookmarks when it feels pertinent. A portion takes place in New York City, but I don’t know yet which location to abandon it in. That line will certainly hit me and I’ll time it with an event. Maybe an adjacent exhibition or anniversary. It’s such an engrossing book so I know it’ll help me find the perfect fate.

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
I believe I’m thriving due to these three qualities: curiosity, passion, and vulnerability.

Curiosity has served me well as it helps generate fascinating projects and encourage growth as a creative and as a person. I love to read widely and thoroughly, attend workshops and classes in areas I have deep longing for, and daydream profusely when I can. While I do struggle with imposter syndrome, I always push myself to create because I love experimenting and want to see what happens. I go for opportunities and open calls when they look fun and intriguing, not because I think I’ll succeed wildly. And yet sometimes I do! I want to see exactly what I would create within their guidelines and building and refining it is always a lovely experience.

Because I chose to be bold and try, I’m in a number of anthologies, sometimes submitting my first completed work in that medium. When you’re more curious about what you can do with your hands and mind over the clout, money, and connections the opportunity could grant you, you’re more likely to create something you and others will love long after the deadline has passed. Your curiosity will lead you to fascinating areas, if you simply trust your wandering, places you never would have entered if you ignored that desire.

Follow the social media and subscribe to the newsletters of your favorite bookshops, artists, writers, publications, presses, influencers, organizations, galleries, museums, etc. Join their discord servers and Patreons. Check out their instagram stories, especially of friends and acquaintances whose work and lifestyle you admire. It’s how I come across great calls for submissions, classes, and events. Sometimes, checking out the profiles of folks who like something you greatly enjoy on Instagram can lead you to such equally wonderful pages, places, and opportunities.

Passion is my driving force. It’s the enduring light in my eyes when I talk about my reveries and current endeavors. It keeps me motivated to complete and see things through. It bolsters me when I’m nervous and ensures my voice is loud and steady despite my shaking limbs. It allows me to connect to others and find new chances. To find your own passion, focus on what makes your heart beat fast, what you can spend all day thinking, watching, talking, and reading about, what gives you joy and meaning. Exactly what you’d do alone for the afternoon. Trust yourself that this is worthwhile despite what current trends, friends, and others may say. And if you’re the only one you know who’s into it, let yourself remain in love, and sometimes, that’s a sign to pursue it harder. You might find the community, optimism, and growth you sorely needed.

The willingness to be vulnerable allows you to connect more deeply with others and truly makes your art and writing shine. It’s such bravery, nuance, and honesty that makes conversations and your work more worthwhile. It brings catharsis too, and pushes you to arrive at a conclusion you wouldn’t have found if you simply stayed at the surface. Your characters will become more interesting and your artwork more riveting. I feel safer to be me and that I’m not alone, when I see other writers and artists reveal struggles and buried thoughts just like mine.

You do not have to divulge every dark thing and publish it, you can simply write it all out and go back and edit it down to what you feel comfortable with. Chances are, there still will be gems of naked truth that your audience will be grateful for. Only reveal what you feel safe with. It helps to consider what my younger self needed to hear, even what I need to hear now at 35. Create the work that will make your loved ones and you feel validated and affirmed by. It’s that willingness to still try and risk that will set you apart from those who follow trends and what’s comfortable. You and your work will be remembered and cherished more than any clickbait fad and help you find peace, joy, and release.

What has been your biggest area of growth or improvement in the past 12 months?
I’m maintaining better boundaries and asserting myself more. When I usually let things slide and hope to God that they notice what’s wrong and fix it—now I address it directly because I know my worth and what I deserve. I used to suppress so much of myself to my detriment and people please way too often. I’d bottle up and explode months later and sometimes wouldn’t eat until I finished a task because it’s only then when I believed I merited it. Both such painful ways to experience the world and no way to survive.

I can have hard conversations with my boyfriend now, even bringing it up first. And I go for my dreams more often in the moment, with a harder drive, where the hemming and hawing has greatly dwindled and I seek other folks’ approval less. I used to ask my friends and family first before I make a decision and go for the opportunity, now I just tell them afterwards haha. In this manner, I trust myself and my future more where I definitely know I will thrive on my own terms. I have a way bigger willingness to try new things and explore and it’s given me a life I have always dreamed of. Where I’m pursuing my passions fully, have a great support system, and become someone I finally love. I’m deeply excited about all my creative ideas when I once struggled over if I deserve to do it. Now I know I do and I am not afraid to show you exactly why.