Meet Ellie Brelis

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Ellie Brelis. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Ellie, so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.

I still have a hard time using the word “confident” when referring to myself. In almost any area of my life. To me, confidence can, and sometimes is, confused with being “cocky,” conceited, arrogant, and certain.

I try to be aware of my ignorances and learn from them and grow. But I know there are so many parts of myself that I am unaware of that could use more care and development. I am insecure in a lot of ways. Especially when it comes to my writing capabilities. I’ve always had a hard time academically and I still do not understand basic grammar and syntax, despite having a semicolon tattooed on my body.

I am not certain about anything in this world. Honestly, I mean that. So much of living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is struggling to find certainty, and a huge part of going through treatment for OCD (Exposure Response and Prevention Therapy) is learning to live with uncertainty. So I try to embrace uncertainty in anything and everything I create, because no piece of art will ever be “perfect.” Perfect does not exist.
And I have found that “perfectionism” is actually one of the most debilitating traits of OCD. It stops me from creating completely, because I know whatever I do will never be “perfect”…. Or if I do create something, perfectionism causes obsessive rumination, obsessive editing, revisions, tweaking, etc. and I never stop creating because it’s never good enough. And oftentimes I end up making something that was magical, pretty muddy.

But back to certainty and “confidence.” I’ve lived my entire life in my head, believing I am a horrible human and punishing myself silently in invisible ways every day. I am by no means a perfect person. And I still do not necessarily think I am a “good person” because to me, that is a binary point of view on humanity.

I will say, however, that I am done telling myself I am “only” bad. I am done telling myself that anything I create will “never be enough.” I am done telling myself “I am not smart enough to write something that someone else would read.” I am done telling myself I “do not deserve to be happy” or “feel my emotions” or “learn how to cope with my emotions and symptoms of OCD.” I am done telling myself “I am too broken, or sick, or disabled, or damaged” to love.

And the only reason I can (somewhat) confidently say that I am done with these self-sabotaging behaviors and self-talk, is because of the friends I made in treatment. Throughout months of hospitalizations and Exposure Therapy (ERP).

In treatment, I met the most brilliant, comedic, compassionate, vibrant, loud, imperfect, messy, chaotic, kind, caring humans I’ve ever had the privilege to share space and time with. And while we were all very different human beings with different lived experiences and symptoms, we all had similar beliefs of “I am not enough.” Or “I am unworthy.” Or “I am bad.”

When I think of my friends in treatment, who cheered me on when I brushed my teeth for the first time in days and made me feel like a badass. My friends, who applauded me when I practiced parking… in a mostly empty parking lot… and made me feel so brave. My peers, my friends, who all faced their own invisible battles, monsters, and mountains that no one else could see. When I think of them, I can only see how worthy and deserving they all are of feeling more confident than before, of having more self-esteem, more self-love. And I know that if I feel that way about my peers, my friends, then they feel that way about me. So through the love, admiration, compassion, and gratitude that I have for my peers. I have slowly started believing and feeling these things for myself.

The things I have said (and sometimes still say) to myself, I would never think of saying to a friend in treatment. So I shouldn’t speak that way to myself either. So it’s not so much that I’m “confident,” more so that I know and believe I am worthy of more than self-isolation and self-deprecation. I know I am more than my worst bad day. Because my friends 100% are more than that.

I thought that my treatment journey would always be a scab, or a scar. But it’s not. It’s an open wound of gratitude. One I am proud of.

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?

I am currently preparing to bring my one-woman-show to Edinburgh Fringe Festival and figured the best way to share information on it is to share the Press Release from my brilliant PR Agency MOBIUS: (I will also attach a PDF of this with my personal images)

PRESS RELEASE
THEATRE (dark comedy, solo show)
Ellie Brelis presents:
Driver’s Seat: Obsessive Compulsive Disaster
UK PREMIERE
A dark comedy about a young woman’s experience of being hospitalised and living with OCD
theSpace @ Surgeons’ Hall, Theatre 3, 2 – 24 Aug 2024 (not 7, 11, 12,14 & 21), 15:10 (15:55)
Written by Ellie Brelis | Directed by Emily Mikolitch
“An actor/playwright very much on top of her game…Brelis delivers her tale with archness and irony along with the sad.” Broadway World
@elliebrelis | #DriversSeatOCD | www.elliebrelis.com

Based on writer and performer Ellie Brelis’ lived experience of having obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), the events leading up to her admitting herself into a psychiatric hospital, and the months of intensive care that followed, Driver’s Seat: Obsessive Compulsive Disaster is a moving and meaningful dark comedy solo show. The show finds humour in moments of pain, bravely filling a gap with a truthful representation of mental illness and humanising the journey through medical treatment. The show details Ellie’s experiences of 2020: a traumatic breakup, loss of a loved one, a major breakdown and exploring her sexual identity all whilst living with OCD. Brelis uses her enigmatic delivery and dark comedy to make a uniquely traumatic experience universal, connecting with audiences about the raw truth of the lifelong battle of mental illness.
When you’re eight, monsters live under your bed. Ellie’s live in her head, threatening to harm her sister and taunting the imminent death of her parents. After her monster was diagnosed as OCD, the life in threat became hers. Ellie can’t drive, she can’t eat pizza, she decidedly can’t keep a boyfriend… but the one thing she can do is find humour in the horror. Having spent her life without a driver’s licence due to the fear that her OCD might lead her into an accident, maybe, just maybe, Ellie is ready to move out of the passenger’s seat and experience life behind the wheel.
Writer and performer Ellie Brelis said, “I was always made to believe I was quirky, not crazy. I was terrified of being called ‘crazy.’ Then I realized: You can’t scare me – my OCD has already played out every horrific scenario imaginable in my head a countless number of times! I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. I care if you think you’re crazy, because OCD is horrible and isolating but I promise you’re not alone. If you’re lucky, you will find times where the funny outweighs the fear, and that can lead to freedom… and writing a solo show.”
Ellie Brelis is an award-winning playwright, actor, and producer, who is inspired to use the stage and screen as a vehicle to transport audiences out of their comfort zone in the hopes to cultivate compassion for others by normalising mental health and helping uplift voices that are often never given a chance to be heard. Her work explores the nuanced reality of complex human experiences which society often categorises as binary and either romanticises or demonises. After her success in the USA, with critically-acclaimed runs in both LA and New York (winning four awards at FRIGID Festival 2022 including Audience Choice Award and Sold-Out Award), and an upcoming run at Martha’s Vineyard Playhouse in 2025, the Edinburgh Festival Fringe will be Ellie’s UK premier.
Running Time: 45 mins | Suitable for ages 14+
Company information
Directed by Emily Mikolitch (she/her) Written by Ellie Brelis (she/her/they)
Produced by Misha Riley (he/him) Stage manager and associate producer Roella Dellosa (she/her)

Cast
Ellie Brelis

Press Contact: Mobius 020 3195 6269 [email protected]

Listings information
theSpace @ Surgeons’ Hall, Theatre 3, Nicolson Street, EH8 9DW
2 – 24 Aug (not 7, 11, 12,14 & 21), 15:10 – 15:55
£8 (£5 concs)
www.thespaceuk.com | 0131 510 2384

Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?

I’m not so sure these are skills or qualities, but things I learned and try to continue to be aware of.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned, which I am still learning, is that comparison is never a compassionate response. To anything. Whether it is comparing looks, comparing careers, comparing social circles, comparing artistic creations, comparing accomplishments and achievements, comparing experiences of mental health treatment and recovery. It will always be a lose-lose for me.

If I feel that someone else is far beyond, or better than, me in any area of life and I compare myself to that person. I not only do a disservice to myself, but to that individual. If I have a friend who gets a gig, or award, or role and it makes me feel insecure, by comparing myself, I not only continue to make myself smaller, but I also belittle that person and their accomplishments. I start to believe that they are unworthy of the goodness they most indeed are worthy of. I definitely still catch myself comparing myself to others. And when I do, I try to ask myself: Am I comparing myself to them and measuring my worth and value based on this comparison? Or, am I comparing my experience to theirs, to find similarities, and be able to connect with someone, or their work, in a way that is unique to me.

My best friend Michaela often reminds me “don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.” We never really know what goes on behind the scenes from the picture or post we see, the book we read, the movie we watch. There’s always more to people than their best days, as there is also more to them than their worst days. So I try to practice saying AND instead of BUT. “Wow, that’s amazing my friend got this opportunity. I am so happy for them AND I hope someday I have a similar chance, too.”

Okay, the second biggest lesson I’ll keep short (or try to) as I talked about certainty a lot with my OCD experience. I try to “embrace uncertainty” even though it is most definitely NOT fun. However, I want to live a life that values freedom over fear and I know the only thing I can be certain of is that nothing in my life will ever happen if I don’t take a step forward. I’m going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with my one-woman-show!!! That’s amazing!!! I’m so excited…. AND I’m terrified!!! I have no idea what the outcome is going to be, I only know the first step to take. Getting to Scotland and sharing my story on stage. The rest, I’ll have to wait and see. So if you feel stuck, I hope you give yourself the chance to take a baby-step towards your values and be willing to see what happens.

Last life lesson (and arguably most important):
Don’t get bangs.

At least if you’re going through a break up… At least wait to get them for a little bit after the shock of the heartbreak wears off a bit. If you do get bangs, I hope they look better on you than they did on me. And if they don’t look good…. I wish you peace on the road ahead. Godspeed. 🫡

Okay, so before we go we always love to ask if you are looking for folks to partner or collaborate with?

Yes! I, and the rest of my team, (Director, Emily Mikolitch; Lead Producer, Misha Riley; Associate Producer and Stage Manager, Roella Dellosa) are always looking for our next opportunity to share “DRIVER’S SEAT: Obsessive Compulsive Disaster.”

We are eager to keep sharing this important story, evolve and adapt the ways in which it is told, and expand our audience. That could mean doing a run with a specific theatre, going on tour, bringing DRIVER’S SEAT to various festivals, schools, conferences, etc. Or adapting the story for the screen. It is also very important to our entire team that we partner and collaborate with various mental health organizations to provide resources for our audience members. We also want to ensure we are helping to spread awareness and end the stigma around OCD, mental health, and seeking treatment by collaborating with mental health organizations and professionals.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.elliebrelis.com/
• Instagram: @elliebrelis @driversseatplay
• Twitter: @driversseatplay
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hyOM4HYtOU
• Other: https://linktr.ee/driversseat
  https://linktr.ee/elliebrelis

  TikTok: @elliebrelis

  (please note that my website elliebrelis.com is currently being updated and is expected to be published by the end of the week!)

Image Credits

Headshots: Nate Lewis Visuals
Promotional Photos for DRIVER’S SEAT: Carina Allen
Graphic Design for DRIVER’S SEAT poster: Michelle Hanzelova