We were lucky to catch up with Elnaz Moghangard recently and have shared our conversation below.
Hi Elnaz, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
For a long time, I thought confidence and self-esteem were the same thing. As I got older and navigated my relationship with myself more deeply, I realized that confidence is more of an outward projection of our best self. It’s how we carry ourselves when we entire a room, our posture, the way we communicate, and the overall mindset that we are worthy of taking up space in our environments and interactions. But, while confidence can be genuine, it can also be performative, because to me, confidence is the impression we give off. I have definitely cried right before entering an event with the upmost “confidence” and no one would have been able to tell from that impression.
Having a healthy self-esteem is far deeper, and it’s not really about being our best self, but rather our whole self. Our whole self holds both our favorite attributes and strengths, but also gives grace to our own insecurities and perceived shortcomings without shame. Learning the difference in these similar but different ideas of confidence and self-esteem was an important part of learning how to love myself. I was always told I was confident, but most people didn’t see the moments that I was alone and overwhelmed with doubt or pressure. Most people were not in my head when I’d over analyze a photo of myself or a vulnerable conversation I shared that had left me feeling emotionally exposed, which at the time I thought meant I came off weak. Especially being Iranian-American, as a young adolescent, I really felt the pressure to look like I have it all together, even when in reality, my inner world was falling apart. Realizing the difference between confidence and self-esteem was the first step in learning how to develop deep, authentic self-love, which by the way, is a process that continues throughout our lives. How we treat ourselves is a relationship, just like any other, that requires attention, care, and maintenance.
The next step for me was to really do the inner healing work and begin to question who I am and who do I want to become. Do I want to be loved and respected only for the best parts of me or for all of me? Do I actually feel comfortable being my most true self? What does that true self even look like, talk like, or act like? What would I do if I wasn’t afraid of being rejected or criticized? These questions seem simple, but there are so many layers to social conditioning and the belief systems that come with that, which often make us want to be a lesser version of ourselves so that we can be accepted by everyone. In my late 20s and now early 30s, I realized that if I am true to myself, I will attract people who appreciate me for that. It became less about pleasing everyone else and understanding that not everyone may agree with you, and that is alright.
All that being said, the most important part of my experience has been taking accountability for my life and not blaming external factors. This concept may be triggering for people, especially when they feel wronged, and that’s valid. But, there came a point in my life after much reflection where I asked myself: How long will you continue this current narrative of your life? Why are you letting external factors write your story when you have the power to make your own choices and very little power over all else beyond that? For how long do you want to feel safe in the emotion of feeling disappointed? Sometimes we get so used to feeling a negative emotion, that it ironically starts to feel like home within us, or we create this whole life story based around an old wound that continues interrupting our present and future potential. For me, accountability was my way of taking my power back and forgiving not only others, but also myself, and slowly learning how to let go and free myself of limiting beliefs. It took a lot of radical acceptance and a shift in perspective towards a growth mindset, where I tried to look at the bigger picture and to trust life more.
Developing a healthy self-esteem is the best gift we can give ourselves and others, because as we learn to hold more space for our own complexities with peace, we are able to offer that same peace and understanding to others, but to do so with healthy boundaries in place. Rejecting ourselves and losing boundaries actually makes us more resentful and selfish in the longterm, but embracing ourselves lets us share that love with others more freely. To be clear, this doesn’t mean we let others take advantage of us or accept toxic behavior, but it’s more about offering grace for people’s imperfections as they grow, which we all experience as humans. We all make mistakes. The consistent desire and effort to grow is key here.
If our inner self-esteem is strong, then we naturally project confidence without trying as hard. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days. Of course I experience lows where doubt and anxiety resurface, like us all. On those days, it helps to have genuine people in your life who believe in you and remind you of who you are. Authentic relationships are necessary for our well being, no matter how confident we think we are. To be surrounded by people who are there for you not only during tough times, but who also celebrate your wins as if they were their own. If you don’t have that yet, believe you will. Until then and perhaps always, be the “grown up” that your younger self once needed or looked up to. All else will come at the right time.
Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?
My background is in law, but I’ve always been a creator at heart. I graduated from George Washington University School of Law with experience in domestic violence related law, and more recently, gained some experience in intellectual property and business law. When I first graduated, I decided not to practice at the time and to pursue my creative and entrepreneurial ventures. This was partially, because I felt like in order to be true to myself, I had to give myself time to explore the other aspects of who I am as well. I had entered law school with the desire to do human rights work and left feeling jaded about humanity and that impacted me a lot as well at the time. Now, I have my optimism back and have a lot more hope for society, despite the many conflicts we see daily on the news. I believe we can all leave a positive impact on the world, however big or small. Whether through law or through creative ventures, I am currently in the process of determining that. Perhaps, both!
In 2020, I published a coming-of-age novel, called ROYA. It tells the story of love, loss, and self-discovery intertwining cultures and different generations but through the perspective of an Iranian-American woman. Writing this story was very special for me, because even at 31, I appreciate an emotional and reflective coming-of-age of story, and the younger version of me always wanted one with a protagonist that shared my cultural background. When I was writing the story, I thought I was writing a love story, but having reread it recently, I see that it’s actually not. It’s more a story about love, in all its forms -family love, lost love, new love, friendship love, self-love, and the art of letting go with love. It’s a simply written story, nothing complex in itself, but one that I wrote with the intention that it would resonate deeply in the reader’s heart and become a companion for them on their own self-discovery journey. You can find the book on Amazon and other online bookstores. https://www.amazon.com/Roya-Elnaz-Moghangard/dp/1657151743
Most recently, I launched a conversational card game called 3:00AM that consists of 150 questions inspired by the honesty of those late night thoughts that keep us awake. I like to call it relationship-building and self-discovery in a box, because you can play the game with one other person, in small groups, or even use them as solo journal prompts. Many of these questions I wrote were ones I asked myself or discussed in conversations with others that profoundly helped me become more open-minded. To me, conversations are like human mirrors. We learn so much from others and about ourselves in the process, especially if we approach the unknown with curiosity, rather than judgement. With all the division we see in the world right now, I wanted to create something that would help bring us closer to ourselves and closer to others. The game blends EQ and philosophy and is designed to encourage more honest human connection. 3:00AM is currently available at www.3amcardgame.com. Instagram: 3am.thecardgame TikTok: @3am.thecardgame More to come soon!
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
Emotional intelligence, resilience, and curiosity.
Emotional intelligence, because I think every interaction, personal or professional, can benefit from self-awareness. Understanding why we do what we do helps us make choices, especially when at a crossroad where we can’t predict the outcome. I also think EQ can help us live with more integrity.
Resilience, because nothing happens over night, and when it does, it’s usually the product of much time dedicated behind-the-scenes. Not everyone will or can validate what you want to do. Not every effort immediately yields success. But, the only real failure is to give up on something you really believe in, which is not the same as changing your mind or pivoting. Setbacks and “failures” are more like speed bumps in the grand scheme of everything, not the end of the road. I genuinely believe that our goals can be accomplished and our genuine wishes do come true, but they might not always unfold in the form or exact timing we first imagined.
Curiosity, because it’s the seed of imagination and also learning. If I am curious about something, I have the desire to understand. If I am curious, my imagination wonders. The product of curiosity can be growth if we take inspired action.
My advice to someone else is to determine what values matter to you and inspire you. They may be different than mine, but once you figure that out, see what action you could take that follows from that value.
Awesome, really appreciate you opening up with us today and before we close maybe you can share a book recommendation with us. Has there been a book that’s been impactful in your growth and development?
“The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself” by Michael A. Singer.
The entire book is a must read. This book found me, rather than the other way around. I was in a Barnes & Noble when I was in undergrad looking for a book for class, and “The Untethered Soul” fell from a shelf onto my feet. I took one look at the cover and thought it was so cheesy, because at the time, I was going through an emotional time and was feeling a little bitter. I still ended up deciding to buy it for whatever reason, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I’ve read a lot of self-help type books since then, but not all resonate. That book was just different, and it took me many, many years and life experience to understand the wisdom of what it was truly saying. I’ve reread it a few times, and I’m sure if I reread it again now, I would still learn something new that I didn’t understand before.
My personal take away from that book is that you cannot run from yourself, because that’s how you become stuck and dim your potential. There’s a lot of inner freedom that comes from going inward and being willing to explore our emotions and reframe our mindsets.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.3amcardgame.com
- Instagram: @3am.thecardgame @elnazm
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/elnaz-moghangard-jd-4a180980
- Other: TikTok: @3am.thecardgame
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