We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Emily Sioma. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Emily below.
Hi Emily, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
I was a precocious child: loud, competitive, and always striving to be the best. As a young kid, I had heaps of confidence in myself and my ability to achieve the crazy dreams I had for my grown-up life. But, as most people experience, the “Oos” and “Ahs” you receive as a kid start to wane as you grow older, and little bits of shame and doubt start to grow as you become more self-aware.
I felt like others viewed me as very self-assured in high school and early college because I was opinionated and vocal about things that were important to me, but I was often met with the consequences of having opinions that weren’t widely accepted – rejection, loneliness, and doubt that my convictions were worth keeping if they left me feeling so isolated.
So, I tried my best to emulate the people I saw receiving the acceptance I desperately wanted and to do the things I thought would bring me closer to my peers. Many things people can fake until they believe it themselves, but I really struggled to make myself smaller, less vulnerable, and more acceptable. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t fake it correctly; it felt uncomfortable, and I was no closer to feeling accepted – I just really started to dislike myself. I felt like I disliked myself, I felt like others disliked me, so of course, I had no self-esteem to lean on.
It took years of struggle trying to fit myself into the type of person I thought would be accepted to realize that the people who accept you when you’re not fully yourself are accepting a version of you that you have to spend energy maintaining. And it’s EXHAUSTING! Plus, it’s not guaranteed that they will accept the real you if you ever show them.
For me, having high self-worth and confidence is about how close I feel to my authentic self. Do I feel like I’m doing my best? Do I feel like how I carried myself or responded to a situation is reflective of the best version of myself? Is this version of me someone that my younger self would look up to? Reflecting on questions similar to those I just mentioned gives me peace in moments where doubt creeps in, but it also helps me identify when I may need to spend extra time taking care of myself and my mental health.
Learning who my authentic self was took time and trial and error, and I don’t really believe that if I could impart this sentiment on my younger self, I would even understand it. But I wish that I could go back and tell my young self that all of the things she tried to shrink – her opinions, her curiosity, her vulnerability, her helping hand – those are the things that I value most about myself, and I have found people and spaces that celebrate them.
Great, so let’s take a few minutes and cover your story. What should folks know about you and what you do?
While I have owned my own creative business and explored many avenues for expressing creativity through fashion – from clothing and set design, to styling and curating – I am leaning into my nonprofit career in Community based Economic Development. If you’re anything like me, I laughed at the idea of actually enjoying anything that had to do with economic development. My views on our over-consumerist economy does not lend itself to a career in entrepreneurship support and micro lending, but mid-pandemic, I was desperate for a job after 10 months of unemployment. I was skeptical that I could really be authentic in a job that felt antithetical to my values, but what I realized was the work that this organization was doing, while not perfect, nor system breaking, was making a tangible difference in the lives of Low to Moderate income entrepreneurs of color throughout the Cities of Detroit, Highland Park, and Hamtramck.
For some of these Detroiters, being an entrepreneur and receiving different types of support from our organization meant that they could start to build generational wealth for their families. And the most incredible thing to realize in being part of this work, is that members of these communities lift each other up when they rise. They share resources, knowledge, and provide the support their communities need.
I’ve learned through this work that the way to make an impact is to ask a community what they need and trust that they know what’s best for themselves. Respecting and protecting a person, a community, a peoples’ self determination is the corner stone for how I do my work, and I know that even if I leave this industry, I will carry it with me
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Meditation doesn’t have to look like sitting in silence, I find that my mind is still when I’m using my hands. When I’m sewing, sanding the finish off a dresser I’m refinishing, or even sometimes sweeping the floor. (Or going on a long drive and singing to myself lol) Finding that thing to do when you need your mind to rest is so helpful to help you take space from big emotions and tough situations. You’ll know you’ve found it when you have that moment after stepping away from somethings and realizing that you had no thoughts racing through your mind as you were doing it.
If have a creative goal for yourself that is pushing you to do things you might not be good at, spend time developing self talk that re-frames “failures” as opportunities to watch yourself grow and improve. If you can start to develop a new habit that tricks yourself into seeing a failure as a positive thing, you can fight off those moments where self-doubt starts arise.
Assume positive intent and be curious if you’re ever in a disagreement or conflict with someone you trust. Lots of therapy has helped me to realize that the best thing I can do when I feel hurt by someone that I trust (be it a friend, a partner, or a coworker) is assume that they had positive intentions behind their actions, and to position yourself to be curious about their motivations instead of closing yourself off, being defensive, or assuming they were acting maliciously.
Awesome, really appreciate you opening up with us today and before we close maybe you can share a book recommendation with us. Has there been a book that’s been impactful in your growth and development?
I did a Strengthsfinder assessment with my team at work and one thing stuck with me from the reading – “You can’t fix your weaknesses.” That’s a jarring thing to read because on its surface, it sounds like we’re all stuck with our problems with no way to fix them. But what I came to understand is that it is much more enjoyable to lean into the strengths that we do have instead of trying like hell to change who we are.
If you spend time trying to shrink things about yourself, it’s going to be so much work to try to maintain that instead of finding ways to use your strengths to your advantage. “Weaknesses are like quicksand: The more you try to fix them, the more stuck you get and the deeper you sink.” (https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/249404/insights-help-understand-people-weaknesses.aspx)
Now, I’m not sure if I 100% agree with their statements about their analysis of their research, but learning about this philosophy has helped lean into my strengths and not take them for granted.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: @wook.trap (Personal) @Keepitupvintage (sewing)
- Linkedin: linkedin.com/in/emilysioma
Image Credits
Derek Juntunen
