Meet Ethan Raysor

We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Ethan Raysor. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Ethan below.

Hi Ethan, so excited to talk about all sorts of important topics with you today. The first one we want to jump into is about being the only one in the room – for some that’s being the only person of color or the only non-native English speaker or the only non-MBA, etc Can you talk to us about how you have managed to be successful even when you were the only one in the room that looked like you?

This is a great question— one that I have struggled with defining an answer for myself until the past 5-6 years. It takes a while, so don’t let it become an obstacle that you can’t climb over, instead let it be something that you learn how to climb better each time you are met with it. While I recognize myself as someone who could fit the “norm,” and glide through life based on the expectations of others, realizing how beautiful life is when I am authentically me has been what sees me through.

It was difficult growing up, knowing I was different for so many reasons, and each of those reasons getting their moment to shine— only to be bullied out of believing that their shine was actually shiny. I grew up being made fun of for dressing as Dorothy on Halloween, being threatened by classmates in new schools to dig up those pictures of me and “out me” to our new classmates. A girl in my karate class called me “watermelon head” and I was devastated. When I told my dad about this, instead of figuring out a way to get me to stop crying and see myself or the comment in a different light, he started using it as a joke that belittled me throughout my childhood into my adolescence. He also used to make tons of smart remarks about how oily my face or hair was, or that my face was shaped like the popular Ghost Face mask— and that I looked too much like my mom. I used to wear flared jeans and pink to school all the time, only to get made fun of for wearing “girls” clothes. Needless to say, when I conformed to the norms, grew my hair into whatever style was popular, wore Aeropostale and Hollister, and spoke like a true “teenage boy,” I was still treated differently. I thought becoming an artist would have changed all that, only to find that my favorite artistic expression at the time, ballet, was extremely gendered. I had coaches telling me to “drop the purse,” to “look like a Spanish man, not a wh**e,” and “you’ve got to be manlier.” I thought maybe in the professional setting these things would change— and they did to a degree. My director at the time didn’t come right out and say all of the brash things my coaches had, but instead more indirect things from making me grow my hair out longer to cutting it off when he got bored of it, and telling me to think of how a man would express himself. Identifying as a cis-gendered man, and still identifying as one, I never understood their fascination with my looks, or how I presented myself, because to me, I was just being me. I tried being someone else and it never worked, so being told to be more authentic made me choose things that went against the normal expectation, and regardless of what it was, continued to make me different and not “what they’re looking for.” So I tried being a complete opposite, yet again, and dipped my toes into the drag world for three years. While I learned so much about myself, and who I am not, I still struggled with the normal expectations that went along with that side of the entertainment industry. Once again, being told to be authentic, but “not that way” when I was actually just being myself. It took leaving my creativity behind, giving up on it amidst a worldwide pandemic, and not being able to find a traditional job environment that accepted me to find that maybe not “belonging” is exactly where I belong.

Not to make it sound nihilistic, although 13 year old me would love to be so indulgent, actually finding my power in being me authentically, without the constraints of a preconceived notion of what to live up to helped save my life. Maybe looking how I want to look, muscular and healthy, decorated in beautiful ink, and adorned in fashion I find best exemplifies me and all of me, not to mention the long red hair and mustache, is my superpower. And when I get bored of being a red head (as if), I’ll go back to blond. When I want a different look, I’ll grow my beard out again or shave it all off. If I want to abandon my entire wardrobe and start fresh, I can. And I can do all of these things and STILL be me, let it be my decision, not the decision of the society around me and their expectations of how I should look and present myself.

I think that’s why we get so in our heads about being the only person in a room that looks like us, because the expectation to perform that way, the stereotypes that drive all of it, become that much more consequential. Though I cannot equate my experience to that of POC, or transgendered people, I have a deep empathy for them that stems from my own experiences being forced into a box about things I cannot change about myself. And fundamentally changing those things would likely result in me dying, metaphorically, artistically, and perhaps even literally. To be different is not a problem, to consider being different a problem is the true travesty. I pity those who aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to have to judge someone else who is. I hope they can find their own inner peace so that they can leave those of us living authentically alone with ours, so we don’t have to feel like hiding is our only hope for survival.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

Currently I am extremely focused and centered on delving further into my performing career and really enjoying my artistic expressions I have neglected. I long to be on stage again, especially on Broadway, and have recently been able to be filmed in more than one movie.

My most recent film role has been “Jabril” in the feature film ‘Beget’ by John Tedeschi. It features an original plot line that takes the classic Creationism story and turns it on its head. Not only is there more than one God, there’s four of them, all from different cultural backgrounds. When they created Adam and Eve, they also created Dana and Stephanie as their homosexual counterparts. Essentially, for man to be with man, woman to be with woman, and for immaculate conception to be the normal way of procreation following intimate moments. However, as time passes and a serpent-like man, Jake Prentes, convinces men and women to procreate with one another, against and without the Gods, the world changes and many chaotic things begin to happen. My role, based on the archangel Gabriel in English spelling, is to deliver the most powerful Immaculate conception to Mariah, without Josephine’s help, and allow Jesse their son to begin to change the world to be more in accordance with love. Essentially, my role is one of comedic relief to a much more existential plot, but all the more necessary of a story considering the times we are living in right now. We could all use a Creationism story that mirrors actual human beings, and gives representation to people that have been marginalized by a society that preaches love and harmony, yet rarely delivers it to those who need it most.

I have also been cast in multiple cabaret shows in NYC, so I invite anyone who is interested to know my next performance to follow my professional instagram and check out my new website, www.ethanraysor.com, for more updates on where they can catch me next!

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

Oh, what a great question! I have recently started reading ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert, and I think that my answers are primarily going to be based on what I discovered about myself through this book and my own life experiences.

1. Courage– though a basic answer, it is actually one of the most important qualities I can think of that has made an impact on my journey. Without courage, I never would have challenged my parents growing up, defying their wishes for me to focus only on school, going to college, getting a degree, and being heteronormative. Without courage, I never would have left home at 18 after a very traumatic episode that ended with a gun in my face. Without courage, I never would have continued to defy my father as he leveraged a $12,000 car payment against me because I couldn’t continue pursuing my dreams of being a professional ballet dancer, working to support myself completely, and being a full time student. Without courage, I never would have left my ex-husband and a very toxic living situation that was only getting worse and distracting me from my ability to perform and work at the highest of my ability. Without courage, I never would have left my ballet company, the only family I had at that point, to go back to University of Delaware and finish my degree, with hopes of being able to secure a stable job and life, for once. Finally, without courage, I never would have started performing again, after trying very hard to assimilate into a “normal” job, and this time pursuing a lifelong dream of being more than just a dancer. I want to perform to the fullest extent of my ability, and doing a silent art form, though rewarding when I had no idea of what my voice is capable of, is no longer rewarding enough for me. I love dancing, do not get me wrong, but I love me more. I love singing, and I especially love acting and being able to use all of my hurt, pain, joy, anger, and emotional capability in roles that want me to give that to them to bring them to life.

2. Marketing– also a basic idea, marketing one’s self is a very important aspect of “making” it as a performer, but moreover, as a professional. Whether you are performing for a living, working in an office, or remotely working from home, the way you present yourself is of utmost importance to your success. I think a social media star said it best “very demure, very mindful.” Though not every situation requires someone to be demure, especially when they have been done wrong, possessing a gracefulness that shows your professionalism is an extremely valuable skill. Anyone can get down and dirty, and pull others with them, but alchemists can rise above the soil, and change that carbon to diamond, rust to iron, and form gold and silver out of extremely painful events. Learning how to sell all parts of your experience to anyone is a skill that performers especially have to deal with consistently. We usually have a lot more rejection face us, a lot more financial hardships, and even sometimes familial distancing while we pursue our heart’s desires. Being able to relay these feelings into words, into events that don’t frighten others but expose your truth all the same, and showing up the best way you can is so incredibly vital. I am not saying to people please, or to be deceitful, but instead find the lessons in and amongst the turmoil, and make those lessons speak for themselves. While the raw emotion will give us our creativity and inspiration, allowing softer and approachable habits let other people in to enjoy them, even when they don’t necessarily understand them. Knowing when to change subjects, pivot, and speak truth without revealing all of you at once is an art in and of itself. At the end of the day, your art is yours, but once you give it out to the world, it isn’t just yours anymore, it’s also your community’s; what and who are you trying to reach, and is the way you are doing it the most effective way to reach them?

3. Grace– I touched on this quality above in marketing, but grace is a quality that all people need to give more of to feel at home with themselves, and then feel at home with others. I believe if everyone showed themselves more grace, we wouldn’t want to judge others so harshly, nor would we want to see failure more often than success. I think a part of this is how individualistic we have become conditioned. By thinking that there’s a lack of resources, a limited ability to have success even, we are looking to push others down instinctually to make sure we provide for ourselves first– yet we are also taught to seek outward validation and grace from very young ages. If we deny ourselves the grace to make mistakes, to not be the best, the prettiest, the thinnest, the most talented, we crave this from our external world– thus making it a battle to get this validation with whoever we see “has” what we do not. The man behind the curtain is, however, that even the most talented people still doubt themselves, and the people who have it all tend to feel like they don’t have enough. Grace, the ability to forgive imperfection, to make ease where only difficulties exist, is a trait that cannot be underestimated if you want to actually feel your success. Grace is close to godliness, and having that within yourself is the best way to learn how to have that for others too. Judging people is easy, loving them despite their imperfections is harder; it takes loving yourself first and foremost to be able to love that same part of another.

Any advice for folks feeling overwhelmed?

As someone with ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety, I know the feeling of being overwhelmed all too well. It can be so paralyzing, so diminutive, yet all encompassing. It’s a feeling, one of the few, that I seldom wish upon anyone. The isolation that it can cause is almost worse than the feeling itself, and that’s exactly what it wants you to do, it wants you to be afraid– to seek safety instead of being seen. I can assure every reader who struggles with being overwhelmed that the worst thing you can do is to give into it.

I have been given many “strategies” to help get me out of this feeling, many of which did not work for me, but some have. My first bit of advice is to not be afraid to try something and not have it work, at least you tried it and know that that coping mechanism isn’t worthwhile. Personally, I find breathing exercises help me the most, especially when I am mid panic attack or hyperventilating. For example, alternating breathing through one side of the nose at a time, while keeping a steady four count inhale-exhale pattern, helps me when feeling overwhelmed in this way. Taking the time to do a little bit of yoga, whether it is a full flow or just a pose or two, also helps me center myself in times of distress. Between physical exertion and mindful breathing, these two methods really help me.

When I am overwhelmed by sounds, since I also have Sensory Processing Disorder, I have learned breathing is not as helpful. I had to figure out how to eliminate and focus on other stimulations to help the feeling of being overstimulated, and therefore overwhelmed. When out and about, and not in control of the volume of sounds around me or their frequency, simply having headphones in with no music playing helps me a lot. It helps limit the loudness of the sound and allows me to hear myself “think” more easily, and not get as frustrated with the external stimulations. When I am in more of a comfortable situation, especially around those who love me, I tell them how I am feeling and communicate how uncomfortable I am with a sound they are making or a volume they are in control of.

I used to bottle those feelings up until I exploded in very mean ways, mainly because this was how my father would behave and taught me to behave this way too. Being around people who love me and truly don’t mean to overstimulate me, have to know what I am experiencing first before they are able to help alleviate the pressure inside my head/throughout my body. I cannot express how important it is to communicate with people who truly love you when you feel overwhelmed; that is what we are here for. We crave community so we are not the only one to shoulder all of the pressures of being alive can bring, and holding them internally does not help anyone. Additionally, maybe expressing your own discomfort will allow someone to feel comfortable enough to express theirs as well.

My final bit of advice for this feeling is to find what “grounds” you. This could be focusing on breathing and connecting to the earth, rubbing a crystal or stone between your fingers, using a set of mala beads and a mantra to focus on, or even just going outside and reconnecting with nature. All of these things help me, but I find they help me in different ways at different times. For instance, when I am at an audition, mala beads and a mantra is my go to grounding device, however when I am at home, I like to use my backyard and garden space for some reconnecting, or even taking our dogs for a walk through the forested park. However, when on stage and about to sing a ballad, I can’t exactly use something physical to ground me like mala beads or crystals, so I have to resort to feeling “connected” to earth below me– like I am shoving all of the nerves down from my chest, through my knees, and out from my feet, all while replacing that cleared space within me with love and whatever emotion is needed for the song I am performing.

The reality is that there is no one solution, but an infinite amount of solutions to feeling overwhelmed, and it will depend on recognizing what is causing the feeling, what is immediately available to cope, and what will give you the most long term relief to perform at your best ability. I focus on healthy coping mechanisms now, but there is no shame in having unhealthy coping mechanisms, we all have them and it is up to each one of us to overcome the unhealthy coping mechanism and find the things that actually make us feel better, instead of blocking it out with distracting vices.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.ethanraysor.com
• Instagram: @ethanraysor_official
• Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/ethan-raysor
• Twitter: @ethanraysor.bsky.social
• Other: https://electric-dragonfly-art.square.site/
  https://www.nycastings.com/EthanRaysor
  https://resumes.actorsaccess.com/ethanraysor
  https://m.imdb.com/name/nm16654966/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk

Image Credits

Haile Ferrier, IG: @haile.ferrier