Meet Faren James

 

We were lucky to catch up with Faren James recently and have shared our conversation below.

Faren, thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and lessons with us today. We’re particularly interested in hearing about how you became such a resilient person. Where do you get your resilience from?

This is such a great question. Resilience, for me, has been shaped by a lifetime of loss, beginning at a young age. When my parents separated, my mother and I moved away from everything familiar. However, I was able to visit family and my daddy often, well, when he was not in jail or prison, due to undiagnosed PTSD, grief, trauma, being a protective big brother and uncle, and the sense of abandonment from the people he loved the most.

Which led to a life of addiction and time away from me during some of the curricle years of my life, teenage years, that is. Despite adverse circumstances, my father instilled in me the importance of building a relationship with God and trusting His plan no matter how dark life may get. Although my mother and I struggled with our relationship throughout the years, she instilled in me the importance of hard work and independence. My parents, amongst my grandparents, laid the foundation for the meaning of resilience and gave me the courage I needed to face what seemingly felt like a whirlwind of never-ending darkness.

Despite the foundation of resilience being laid, I unknowingly started accumulating the effects of trauma, anxiety, unhealthy relationships, self-hatred, people-pleasing, and depression. As I grew older, these experiences became intertwined with prolonged grief, particularly when my father suddenly became ill and was diagnosed with metastatic stage 4 cancer and placed on hospice.

Even though he was given an estimated life expectancy of six months, he took his last breath two months later, which happened to be 6/20/2016, the day after Father’s Day.

As his guardian angel (what he loved to call me) and only child, while not quite you see, I discovered I have two older siblings; technically, my sister found me, and we have been building a sisterhood that I am so grateful to have. But that’s another story for another time. Lol. I put my feelings, employment, and family if I’m being honest, aside to become my daddy’s sole caregiver.

The turning point came when I was at my lowest, struggling with complicated grief after not “JUST” losing my father to cancer BUT becoming his sole hospice caregiver, witnessing him take his last breath, planning and preparing his burial service alone, his unexpected diagnoses and death in such a short time shattered me.

For two and a half years, I grappled with every stage of grief, addiction, unhealthy relationships with my mother and eldest child, marriage, and suicidal ideation. Nonetheless, the resilience inside of me would not allow me to throw in the towel completely. You see, even though I thought it was a good idea to “hide” away in my room or go to the casino so that my children did not see the shell of a mother I had become.

God gave me the strength to show up for my children every single day, heck I even became a parent volunteer of the year twice, yet I still went home every evening and prayed for God to end it all. Despite the joyful moments I felt showing up for my children, a part of me felt they deserved better than I could ever offer. So, one night, I fell on my knees and cried out to God; I prayed for release. Release from all of the pain and darkness I felt. I cried and begged God not to wake me up the next morning; instead, He did even better: I woke up with a sense of peace and belonging, and I heard in my spirit, “Get up!” From that day forward, I have fought day and night to turn my pain into passion.

My resilience is now sustained by the purpose I’ve discovered through my pain. I chose to channel that suffering into a passion for helping others. Every day, I strive to be the person I desperately needed in my darkest times, turning my grief into a mission to guide and support those going through similar struggles.

Let’s take a small detour – maybe you can share a bit about yourself before we dive back into some of the other questions we had for you?

After years of suffering with prolonged grief, I knew it was time to turn my pain into passion so that I could be the person I needed during my darkest moments. You see, although I have a background in social service and experienced the death of a loved one. No one ever prepared me for the effects of prolonged grief, and if I am being honest, no one ever put a name to it. I heard so many cliches that angered my soul. I was even told my lack of faith was the reason I was so grieved; if only I prayed more, then maybe God would hear my cries. So, I made it my mission to teach others how to live through their grief by chipping away the darkness, releasing the light from within, and teaching how to support grievers.

In 2019, I created Evolution of a Black Butterfly LLC. We provide essential life-after-loss resources, consulting, and training to individuals and organizations navigating the difficult journey of grief and personal development growth. Through compassionate coaching and personalized support, we help people heal, rebuild their lives, and rediscover their purpose after experiencing loss. By offering tools for emotional resilience, personal growth, and self-care, we empower individuals to move forward with strength and hope, ultimately contributing to a healthier, more resilient community.

We aim to normalize conversations around grief and mental health, recognizing how deeply they affect every aspect of a person’s life. Our mission is to create a safe space where individuals understand that it’s okay to NOT be okay, BUT giving up is never an option. By breaking the stigma around grief and mental health, we empower individuals to embrace their healing journey, fostering resilience and, in turn, uplifting the entire community. Our work aims to create a more compassionate and supportive environment where wellness, healing, and growth are accessible to all.

I am also proud to share that I have been blessed with an amazing opportunity to work with young mothers as they navigate pregnancy and postpartum. The program is geared to being a wrap-around service that provides support and advocacy services for moms during this life-changing time.

We are also gearing up for our fourth annual Holiday Grief Support Group. For the last three years, we have held space for grievers during the Holiday season. I know firsthand that major holidays can impact a person’s overall well-being. So, we have made it our mission to be the change we want to see in the world.

This year, we will be doing things a little differently. In commemoration of my three angel babies, all of which were reoccurring over the last three years, we will be offering our Holiday Grief Support Group specifically for grieving mothers who have experienced pregnancy loss and grieving daughters.

Suffering from loss can be an isolating and devastating experience, especially during the holiday season. This 5-week series seeks to provide a safe space for grieving mothers. Breaking the silence in a nonjudgmental space can help to heal and teach you how to cope with grief and live life after loss.

Group sessions will be held from November 19, 2024, through December 17, 2024. Registration will open on November 1, 2024

The best way to learn about all of our events and grief support resources is to visit our website and subscribe to stay up-to-date.

https://evolutionofablackbutterfly.com/

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

Looking back, the three qualities and skills that were most impactful in my journey would be my faith and trust in God, resilience, and my background in social work. As I previously stated, at a very early age, my father not only taught me about the importance of having a relationship with God and trusting His plan, even if that means we surrender our plan. He modeled what having a relationship with God looked like. Although my daddy did not always make the best decision, he was a very kind, silly, outgoing man who would give his last.

I, too, have those qualities, although it has gotten me in trouble a time or two due to pouring from an empty cup. I know that with faith, anything is possible. I encourage others to strengthen their relationship with their Higher Power (I know we do not all believe the same thing). Still, I have learned throughout my journey that holding on to something greater than I could ask to think or imagine has empowered me to create and master things I thought would take me out. For Instance, learning to live through my grief instead of suffering through it has helped me evolve into a new me, and now I teach others how to do the same. There is so much life to live after losing someone or something. We have to be intentional about searching for it.

When it comes to the quality of being resilient, a quote that stands out to me the most is, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.” Believe it or not, I only scratched the surface of my story. Unfortunately, I have experienced many hardships that have nearly broken me. No lie, I threw the towel in many times, BUT God threw it right back out.

For example, In June of 2019, I walked away from a job I loved very much and started my journey to create Evolution of a Black Butterfly. I had no clue what 2020 had in store, nor was I ready, to say the least; not only was my family faced with a pandemic like everyone else in the world. I became the sole care provider to my 89-year-old grandfather, who was a victim of an elderly scam; he thought he had a big prize and gave his entire life savings away.

Thankfully, I was able to reach out to authorities, and after several exams, my grandfather was diagnosed with dementia. If that weren’t enough, the people I thought would never turn on me did just that. I was left to navigate the needs and well-being of my granddaddy until he took his last breath, all while starting a business, being a mom and wife, and living through a pandemic. Nonetheless, my resilience would not allow me to give up again. For a while, I was filled with every emotion of grief, but then I was reminded that nothing JUST happens; everything is always working together for the good of the Lord. I forgive them and thank God for our great times. Although I will never understand why, I will be forever thankful for my husband’s and children’s support as a hospice caregiver for the second time around.

The best way for someone to improve the art of reliance is to keep living. Allow yourself to feel the feeling, but always remember that it’s okay to NOT be okay, BUT giving up is NOT an option. Build a support system and, most importantly, be okay with letting people and situations go. There is a reason and a season for everything in our lives, even when we don’t fully understand.

Lastly, my social work skills have impacted my entire being. If I’m being honest, I have always had the gift of helping others and being resourceful no matter the situation; I have always been able to find the proper resources and networks to support myself and others along the way.

For example, during the beginning stages of my entrepreneurial journey, I understood the importance of creating ecosystems to help navigate the complexities of being a business owner and government contractor. So, I contacted my local Woman Business Center, SBDC, colleagues, and the Carlson Center at Sacramento State, which has since connected me to a great network to help build my brand and offer support and resources. Most importantly, my social work skills helped pull me out of a dark pit. You see, the morning I woke up after begging God to take me with my daddy, I heard in my spirit, “Get up!” that’s precisely what I did.

I used my social work skills to create an entire coping-with-loss plan, and I have been intentional about my well-being and overall health ever since. I have also taken it further and created a “Coping With Loss Journal” on my website. It is full of daily affirmations, journal prompts, and a self-esteem builder that has been proven to help people cope with loss.

I digress; the most extensive advice I would give someone early on their journey is to become resourceful. You do not need a lot of money to build an ecosystem to assist you with building your brand or overall well-being. You must have the drive and determination to turn over every rock until you find your people and use Google. Many FREE community and federally funded programs offer training and mentorship at little to no cost. Most importantly, keep believing in yourself and remember that the plan may change, but the goal must remain to live your life purposefully. Jer 29:11

What was the most impactful thing your parents did for you?

The most impactful thing my parents have done for me was to allow me to grow to be all that God has called me to be; as a child, I did not understand the complexities of grief, separation, and parenthood, but as a mother, I understand the importance of grace. No one is given a handbook on parenting while battling “life,” healing, and accomplishing your goals. It’s exhausting just saying all of this. Nonetheless, they did it! And I thank them for all the love they poured into me. They did their best with what they knew; now, it is up to me to heal, grow, and be all God called me to be.

Contact Info:

Suggest a Story: BoldJourney is built on recommendations from the community; it’s how we uncover hidden gems,
so if you or someone you know deserves recognition please let us know here.
Productivity
Where do you get your work ethic from?

We’ve all heard the phrase “work hard, play hard,” but where does our work ethic

Productivity
Tactics & Strategies for Keeping Your Creativity Strong

With the rapid improvements in AI, it’s more important than ever to keep your creativity

Productivity
From Burnout to Balance: The Role of Self-Care

Burning out is one of the primary risks you face as you work towards your