Meet Holly Payberg-Torroija

We recently connected with Holly Payberg-Torroija and have shared our conversation below.

Hi Holly, thank you so much for opening up with us about some important, but sometimes personal topics. One that really matters to us is overcoming Imposter Syndrome because we’ve seen how so many people are held back in life because of this and so we’d really appreciate hearing about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome.

I overcame imposter syndrome the moment I got honest with myself that the external yardstick I was using to tell myself I didn’t measure up, wasn’t even my yardstick.

For 25 years I was an indie writer/producer in Hollywood with what I now call never-enoughness disease. No matter what I accomplished, it was never enough, always comparing myself to that next big box office darling. Each time I reached a milestone that my younger me could have only dreamed of, I would move the goal post. The result was that at each level I reached, I felt like an imposter because, for e.g., “maybe I had written/produced and starred in 3 of my own webseries, but I hadn’t worked on a network show yet.” So I would show up to pitch meetings with this attitude of “I’m probably not good enough” written all over my being. Needless to say that resulted in me not being the best advocate for myself in an industry where confidence can be almost everything.

I would love to say that I got over it and became a great advocate for my projects, but I didn’t. It wasn’t until I left Hollywood and started my writing coaching business, the thing that has given me more joy and fulfillment than all my previous pursuits combined, that I was finally forced to see the problem. I saw that even in my coaching practice, even in the face of continuous evidence of the difference I was making with my students, I was still employing the ole “yeah, but” technique against myself. And this was unacceptable.

So I took a fresh look at my life, and my accomplishments, and what I saw surprised me. I could finally see how proud I was of what I’ve done. Proud of how hard I worked. Proud of myself for writing/producing what I wanted to produce without compromise, even if it never received that wider distribution and notoriety. Proud of how many skills I was willing to master. How many new avenues I was willing to try. And so proud of the integrity with which I always lead my teams. From there I could also see why I make for such a great writing and creativity coach. I’ve been there. I know the path my fellow creatives must walk. And my love for the craft is infectious. I can now see my own value and I no longer need to prove it by anyone’s measurements other than my own. I am who I aspire to be and that feels really good.

For anyone suffering imposter’s syndrome, I would say: take another look. Whose measurements are you judging yourself by? Is it true?

Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?

My mission with my company (Loving The Process) and my coaching is to help as many writers and creatives as I can to slow down and learn to genuinely love the process. This is for both practical and creative reasons.

Practical because, for those who really want to become great writers/creators, they will need to commit to a lifetime of exploring their unique voice and developing their craft. And since 90% of a creative’s life is spent inside of that process (as opposed to the temporary thrill of completions and parties) the choice to love the process is simply the better choice.

Creative because, when you love the process, you can be present to each moment. And when you can be present to each moment, giving yourself full permission to explore and experiment without being fixated on outcome, magic has room to happen.

I created the program because for the better part of my writing/producing career, I did not enjoy the process. I was that creative living for the completions and the parties. I put outlandish pressure on myself, always racing towards the next self-imposed deadline. And I had actually tricked myself into believing that my brand of pressure might be the secret to my creative success. But the truth is, all it made me was exhausted. And caused me to falsely start to hate the thing I had always loved so much, the writing and creating.

When the pandemic happened and we all went into a forced time out, I found myself reaching for comfort in the one place I had always found it when I was young: journaling. It wasn’t long before I started helping others to do the same. And suddenly my love of writing was re-ignited. From there it was easy to see the truth: I didn’t become a great writer because of the pressures I had put on myself, I became one despite it.

So I created a writing coaching program that is filled with the love, community, permission to explore, and the type of step by step guidance I wish I would have had. A program that addresses the unique brand of fears, saboteurs and frustrations writer’s have. One that helps them not just find their unique voice, and write their stories, but also helps them to build a balanced, creative lifestyle they can love, that is conducive to them doing their best work.

I am currently enrolling students into my year long program (starts mid Sept). Anyone interested can go to my website https://www.loving-the-process.com/ and book a call with me to learn more and see if my program is a right for them. Or if you’re just looking for some creative inspiration, you can subscribe to my blog https://www.loving-the-process.com/writing-tips There you’ll get writing tips and prompts, as well as updates about the release of my new podcast Herstorical Accuracy hosted by myself and Noelle DeAtley. The HA Podcast mission is to inspire writers to write more great fictional heroine stories by highlighting the incredible lives of real life heroines of our past.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

The 3 qualities that I have relied on and have been the most impactful on my journey are: persistence, adaptability, and a willingness to sit in the question.

1) Persistence is an absolute requirement for anyone entertaining a creative path. It’s not a matter of if you will hear no’s, or if you will fail at something you’re going for, it will be a matter of how often, and you have to develop the ability to dust yourself off, learn what you can from it and try again. In fact, I would argue that that might be even more important than talent, when it comes to who will succeed and who won’t.

2) Adaptability is another requirement. And this one is helpful for really anyone, creative industry or not, because things are changing so rapidly these days. The way I see it, we really only have two choices: we can fight change, or we can move with it and I have always chosen to move with it. Like when Covid hit, I could see that things were about to dramatically change, so I did too. I was proactive in moving to a less expensive city, pairing down my finances and using that time to reinvent myself. Had I not adapted, I’d still be in Los Angeles, likely broke and still chasing after a childhood dream that didn’t suit me anymore.

3) A willingness to sit in the question. This is a more obscure one that I always teach my writing students. When you first start a project there are about a billion questions and so few answers and so I do my best to teach them how to get comfortable in the face of all those questions. To learn how to let the tension of not knowing build inside you in a healthy way, without trying to force or push, until the answer bursts forth. The aha! All of my greatest ideas and inspired choices have come out of this willingness that allow that tension to grow for as long as it takes, as opposed to just settling for some fabricated answer that deep down I know is not right.

Okay, so before we go, is there anyone you’d like to shoutout for the role they’ve played in helping you develop the essential skills or overcome challenges along the way?

There have been so many extraordinary people who have helped and inspired me along the way. Not the least of which are my parents, husband and fellow creative friends that I so cherish. As well as previous bosses/mentors like Lisa Kudrow who is still teaching me by her example (even though she doesn’t know it.) From her, I learned what integrity and using your power for good looks like. And I was also deeply inspired by Harold Ramis, who was the first to show me just how fun the process could be, even when you’re under studio-level pressure. But one of the people who has helped me the most is Kelly Carlin and her coaching program, Humans on The Verge.

When I first reached out to Kelly, I was lost in a sea of people pleasing, and really didn’t even know who I was or what I wanted anymore. I had read her book, A Carlin Home Companion, which turned out to be all about her journey to step out from behind the shadow of a legend (her Dad, George) and find her own place in the world. So when I saw she was starting a coaching program, I wanted in. I figured if she could do what she did, she could certainly help me on my journey and boy did she.

Kelly helped me peel back all the layers of nonsense I had invented in order to fit in and survive, so that I could finally get to the heart of what I really wanted in life. Not what I thought I was supposed to want. And then she helped me give myself the permission to go on out there and get it. She is now one of my dearest friends and colleagues (we created a program together for her clients over at Humans on The Verge where we use storytelling techniques to help people see their life in a whole new way), but I will always be grateful that first, she was my coach. The one who could see me before I was able to see myself. And who took a stand that I should settle for nothing less.

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Image Credits

Headshot – Diego Torroija

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