We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Kathy Butler. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Kathy below.
Kathy, so great to have you on the platform and excited to have you share your wisdom with our community today. Communication skills often play a powerful role in our ability to be effective and so we’d love to hear about how you developed your communication skills.
The foundation for effective communication was laid very early in my life. In fact, the secondary theme in the first chapter of my book, My George: A Love Letter to My Dad, is communication, which I’ll explain in a moment. But first, it’s important to note that growing up, my dad, whom I affectionately call George, did not subscribe to the same parenting style in raising me that he had experienced throughout his childhood – one that forbade young people from having an opinion or questioning their elders. Instead, our household was ripe with free-flowing conversation where my opinion was not simply welcomed, but it was required. I was introduced to critical thinking early on and many of our conversations required me to take a position and successfully defend it; even to the extent that I was allowed to question my parents on matters for which I held a dissenting opinion or perspective. It was through these thoughtful and sometimes emotional exchanges that I learned one of life’s most valuable lessons. I can say anything, it’s simply a matter of how I say it that determines whether my delivery will be effective.
In terms of that first lesson in effective communication that I referenced from the book, it involved an exchange between me and My George. I was about 4 years old and I wasn’t getting the attention that I wanted so I pinched the fleshy part of My George’s hand with my razor-sharp nails to show my dismay. Thinking it was funny, I giggled as he swiftly pulled his hand up to assess the damage. Then, something completely unexpected and unthinkable happened. He pinched me back! Of course the waterworks flowed. But through the tears, I listened to him explain how using my words and even carefully choosing my words, would be a more effective way of expressing myself. And no doubt keep me from having someone, or just life in general, pinch me back.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
I am an author and I recently published my first book! This was truly a labor of love that was designed to do several things. First, the book is a tribute to the man who raised me whom, as previously noted, I affectionately call George. As a child who did not grow up with my biological father as a consistent presence in my life, I dealt with a dad-size hole in my heart that is often characterized as “daddy issues.” But, I had George, and he gave me unconditional love, a sense of belonging, and the support that my bio dad did not. As I surveyed my life once I became an adult, I realized the provision had been there all along. I just didn’t have the vision to see it through my adolescent lens. Once I did however, I no longer saw myself as a fatherless child with daddy issues, because George is and had ALWAYS been “MY DAD. So, it became important that I acknowledge him, celebrate him, and give him his flowers while he can appreciate them.
But beyond that, I needed to share my revelation with other youth and even other adults who have struggled with a dad-size hole in their heart as well. Many of whom have a father-figure, be it a stepparent, godparent, uncle, grandfather or mentor, who has stood in the gap and given them the same love, sense of belonging and support that George has given to me. They simply need to shift their perspective or the lens through which they are viewing this individual, and they’ll quickly realize they’re not fatherless either. Their “dad” has been there all along too!
Finally, I want to make #giveBlackdadtheirflowers a movement because we need to change the narrative around Black fathers. Black men are out here actively raising their kids, biological and non-biological, with consistency, love and support, and we need to make that the narrative. Not the negative stereotype that we tend to see in mainstream media. Also, I want to inspire men who have the capacity – and knows a child who needs a dad – to make a conscious decision to actively and intentionally stand in the gap for that child (with permission of course). This can inextricably change the trajectory of a child’s life while creating a blueprint for them to follow when they matriculate into adulthood.
I am so excited about this book because it helped me to put my thoughts and feelings into actual words, and truly express the immense amount of gratitude that I hold in my heart for my George. But it also allowed me to start a healing conversation that is long overdue for those in my tribe – meaning those of us who did not grow up with our bio dad. There are so many topics that we, as a community, have deemed taboo so we don’t talk about them. Inevitably, it leaves those who are affected by these issues to suffer in silence and develop harmful coping mechanisms, including ineffective communications skills. By bringing these feelings and emotions into the light, we are giving ourselves permission to feel the possible grief associated with the bio dad that wasn’t there while embracing a new outlook that acknowledges and celebrates the “dad” who is and has BEEN there,
My book can be purchased on Amazon and it is truly a great read that uses lots of humor and an unapologetic level of transparency to detail all the many ways in which a father/father-figure shapes the life of their child through invaluable life lessons. Be it lessons on love, loss, mistakes and missteps, cultural pride and character, we are talking about it.
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
Looking back on the way George came into my life and took on the role of dad, as well as my journey to discovery and healing, I would say the three most valuable lessons were 1) Love will always find you. You just have to be open to receiving it. 2) Being honest with yourself is the first step to healing. 3) Your struggles and subsequent healing isn’t just for you. They’re meant to be shared with others to help them heal, overcome, and shift our norms.
The best way for folks to do this is to first sit with themselves and be willing to acknowledge their personal struggles. This may also require that we sit and talk with someone – e.g., a therapist. But at the very least, we must have honest dialogue with ourselves. Then, we have to be intentional about healing. That means we have to be willing to dismantle old ways of thinking; ways of believing and being. We also have to be open to changing or shifting our perspective about the person or people in our lives who have positively impacted us and stood in the gap even when we didn’t acknowledge or appreciate them. This will allow us to see ourselves as wholly loved and wanted, which moves us from fatherless children to children who were indeed fathered – just by someone other than our bio dad, which doesn’t diminish us or them in any way.
This new way of thinking is powerful and life-changing! It frees us from the bondage and torment of feeling unwanted, damaged or inadequate and moves us into the realm of KNOWING we are enough; always, and in all ways.
One of our goals is to help like-minded folks with similar goals connect and so before we go we want to ask if you are looking to partner or collab with others – and if so, what would make the ideal collaborator or partner?
I am looking to collaborate with youth serving organizations, men’s groups and organizations, and content creators like podcasters and digital media platforms to help shift the mindset of youth and adults who have struggled with that dad-size hole in their hearts, and make #giveBlackdadtheirflowers a movement. At the end of the day, I just want to share my journey with the masses in any way I can to help others get on – or further their journey on – their own path of discovery and healing. I also want my experience to inspire more men to stand in the gap for kids who need them. I can be reached via email at info@comfortinthestorm.com.
Contact Info:
- Website: comfortinthestorm.com
- Facebook: My George: A Love Letter to My Dad
- Others: https://a.co/d/cRf4EI2
Image Credits
The Fennel Focus
