We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Ken Blackman. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Ken below.
Hi Ken, we’re so appreciative of you taking the time to share your nuggets of wisdom with our community. One of the topics we think is most important for folks looking to level up their lives is building up their self-confidence and self-esteem. Can you share how you developed your confidence?
This is a topic that’s near and dear to my heart. I’m a relationship coach now, but my confidence and self-esteem in my own relationships was hard-won. That probably contributes to my ability to coach others.
As a young man I was shy, socially awkward, and nerdy. I had friends and a successful career, but especially when it came to love and dating, I felt like I had every strike against me. I wasn’t tall (I’m literally five foot zero), I wasn’t athletic, good looking, rich, outgoing, charming…
I had to learn that none of those were really issues. People tend to feel about me the way I feel about myself.
I had to source my own sense of self worth. I started acting in ways I felt good about, not ashamed of. Becoming a more proactive instigator of my life, not passive. Doing things even if they were difficult or scary. Trusting and listening to my own intuition.
And I had to let go of my fragile ego. This was huge because it allowed me to be wrong sometimes, to apologize when needed, to receive uncomfortable feedback, to let others have the spotlight, be a student rather than a know-it-all—all without collapsing, feeling threatened, or like I was losing something. That to me is a measure of real confidence.
Without a fragile ego, I stopped approval-seeking, trying to impress. What a relief! I could just relax, have a good time, and be myself. That made me way more enjoyable to be around than the Ken who’s constantly trying to prove himself.
And I chose a career that I’m passionate about, and got good at it.
All of these things boosted my self-esteem and confidence in every area of my life. And like I said, people tend to feel about me the way I feel about myself. But even today, sometimes before I walk into a room, I deliberately remind myself: “You have nothing to prove.”
Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?
I’m out to abolish the notion of a “honeymoon phase.” Committing to someone is a starting point for a life together that only gets better from there—not the high point.
We tend to think choosing the right person determines the outcome, but in the long run, the majority of it is what you co-create together. Plenty of people who are “right” for each other end up with a crappy relationship. I love working with couples who really love each other but wonder whether they’re “right” for each other.
I’m not thrown by a couple’s seemingly insurmountable problems. Helping couples resolve major issues is a normal part of my day job. From my POV, if there’s one factor that determines whether they’ll be able to get to the other side, it’s whether the GOOD in the relationship is good enough to make the work worth it.
The breakups I see rarely happen because the problem was too big to be resolvable, but because the good wasn’t good enough to be worth it. So I often focus on helping them remember why they chose each other in the first place, and learn to cultivate and build on that.
One of the things we’re offering right now is a special vacation/retreat for five couples who want to experience an amazing weeklong getaway, while growing as a couple. You can learn about it here: https://www.familyjourney.co/intentional-vacation-for-partners
There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?
To the budding or aspiring coach:
1. Always do right by the client. You will be faced with moments where you could make a choice from scarcity. For example, holding out on them slightly so you can upsell, rather than serving them fully and helping them graduate from needing you. Or refusing to refund an unhappy client, even though deep down you know you didn’t serve them the way you wanted to. Or flat out not telling them what you see, because you’re afraid they can’t handle it and will blow out. In the long run, always doing what’s best for the client pays the highest dividends.
2. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” This goes along with self-esteem. Yes, I’m the expert in the room. But for me that’s not a reputation to uphold, it’s just a fact. If I’m at a loss or can’t makes sense of what’s going on, that means there’s more talking to do. I sit in the not-knowing with them, trust the process, and keep asking questions. Eventually one of us has a lightbulb moment. Better if it’s not me!
3. Domain expertise and coaching skills are two different things. Develop them both. There are great coaches who don’t have a specialty or area of expertise (other than coaching), who can facilitate life-changing transformation with their clients. And there are those who have domain knowledge without coaching skills, and are functionally more of a consultant.
Tell us what your ideal client would be like?
They work in tech, or medicine. They love each other, but aren’t sure if they’re truly life partners, or they want a better sense of what that can look like at its best.
Maybe one of them wants to get married and the other is hesitant, or wonders if the relationship issues they have will be dealbreakers down the line, or is just suffering from grass-is-greener syndrome whenever they think of committing.
Or maybe they’re really happy and fully committed, with a great relationship as far as they can tell, but they’re curious about what they don’t know they don’t know and want to proactively do everything they can to make the relationship fantastic in the long run.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://kenblackman.com
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kenblackmancoach/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KenBlackmanPersonal/
- Other: My medium blog: https://medium.com/straight-talkers
Image Credits
Chris Eckert, TRUE.STATE
