Meet Knives Suicide

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Knives Suicide. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Hi Knives, appreciate you sitting with us today to share your wisdom with our readers. So, let’s start with resilience – where do you get your resilience from?

I was born in a beach community in NYC predominately compromised of Irish/Italian folk. My father is Irish and my mother is Filipino. As a result, I looked different from other children my age, and got picked on for being visibly a POC. My home life during my early childhood was also tumultuous. My father struggled with substance abuse and undiagnosed mental health issues at the time, and there would be times I would come home to him being blacked out on a couch, or opposite him screaming and throwing things from anger. My mother, on the other hand upheld traditional Asian values in parenting and expression of emotion was frowned down upon. She was very tough with me and would scold me for crying, which as a child I read as callous and cold.

At the time, I dealt with self-esteem issues and had suicidal ideation from a very young age which I kept closeted dealing with bullying in school and issues at home. But, my one outlet and oasis to these dark times was when my maternal grandparents would watch me after school. My grandparents were very kind, although not Americanized at the time. As a result, I was often left mentally idle as I was not able to play with children my age or watch tv, or do normal things kids my age would do when I stayed with them. There wasn’t really any toys at their old apartment, but they did have printer paper and pencils. I found myself endlessly drawing to rid of excess mental and emotional energy I had pent up. It was my one outlet, and I became obsessed with it. At school I would always be drawing on the back of assignments, and spent all my down time sketching. I began to learn how to transmute my emotions into imagery, and still do up to this day with my art.

Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?

At my core I’m an artist but, professionally I’m in the field of helping others. Sometimes people are surprised I’m an artist due to how serious I can come off when working. However, art and being of service are one in the same, two sides of the same token I’ve always felt. Art of any kind is deeply therapeutic and healing, whether creating the art or being the consumer of meaningful art that speaks to you. When I draw, the art I make is evocative it is not supposed to just be visually appealing but, also deeply psychologically and emotional provoking. My parents will humorously make jabs at my art saying “You’re so talented but, why do you make these dark and odd images? You should be painting beautiful things like flowers or landscapes with that talent.” Because to me outside beauty without depth behind it, doesn’t challenge the soul. And without challenges, the human spirit will not evolve to learn how to heal.

When people do Psychotherapy they’re not just there to learn coping skills but, to ultimately get to the root of their issues. My art is supposed to be uncomfortable because it is a narrative for shadow work. This is why I choose my themes to be around macabre, surrealism, sex, the occult, and politics. Because these are things that are often castrated socially for being taboo, and because they’re uncomfortable to discuss due to conflict incurring. When you’re able to look at these themes straight on, it will illicit a gut reaction. Whether negative or positive, whether love or hate, the reaction is your genuine raw self and not the identity you created for yourself due to societal pressures (e.g. son, daughter, non-binary middle child, Christian, mother, surgeon, thespian, etc.). My art is supposed to speak to your true identity, not the idea of it.

There is so much advice out there about all the different skills and qualities folks need to develop in order to succeed in today’s highly competitive environment and often it can feel overwhelming. So, if we had to break it down to just the three that matter most, which three skills or qualities would you focus on?

Resilience, expansion of skills, and spirituality/meditation. The first piece of advice I’d give any person early in their journey is to never give up, resilience is key. There where so many times I wanted to give up on many things. Through my childhood I was both top of my class in school as an honors student, and in different periods failing school and having to take summer classes. I never thought I could go to college, or even make an impact due to being inconsistent academically, My inconsistencies in academic performance were later recognized as undiagnosed depressive episodes causing the fluctuations. Yet here I am with a Master’s Degree from Columbia University, and also an accomplished paid model with a Redbubble art shop. Which goes into the second piece of advice: expansion of skills.

The more skills you acquire, the more these skills will bleed and overlap into each other generating more opportunities in your life, and making you a more well-rounded person. I knew at five years old I already had a gift for art and wanted to be an artist long term but, I never had home-life stability including financially which could jumpstart an artistic pursuit. This is what led me to pursuing initially therapy as a career instead, which evolved into Social Work. I pursued this career without vain though, I knew on top of being artistic that I was also an empathetic individual. I never wanted other people to go through the pain I went through as a child. I wanted to become the person who was never there for me, and more. And with what I mean “more” is I had many interests, I didn’t just want to be limited artistically to just traditional drawing, which is what led me to doing a minor in Graphic Design in college, pursuing modeling, writing a poetry collection, and teaching myself tarot/palm reading/astrology.

Which is what leads into the final third quality spirituality/meditation. If you’re an atheist you can still meditate, practice yoga, and mindfulness techniques. There’s empirical evidence to the benefits of breathing exercises, stretching, journaling. and intention setting on physical health. You don’t have to believe in God or a higher power to be the best version of you, you just have to believe in yourself. I will say, I’m not an atheist, I do believe in a higher power. I’m spiritual but not ascertained to one religion. And I’m not here to dictate what people should believe in, that is totally up to the individual what speaks to them, just like art! All I know is regardless of religious/spiritual/scientific perspective you can still make the most of the present moment and learn to be grateful for the life you’ve created. Cherish the things and people you love, be a good person, and find joy to before everybody including yourself becomes a memory. But create those memories with love, that lives on.

Is there a particular challenge you are currently facing?

The number one challenge I’m facing is being pulled in multiple directions with responsibilities. Although my childhood with my parents had issues, my relationship with them as an adult has been much better. I see my family often and my father although much more stable in a lot of ways, he still struggles with mental health issues that I’ve had to show up physically for. My extended family is also aging, and I’m afraid of not being more present for them before they’re gone. I also have long-term best friends that I view as part of my family, that I stay in contact with and make plans with. I also have a partner who is presently long distance, that eventually we plan to live together in the same city. And as I type this, he is the person I hope to end up with ultimately.

And with all these social connections I deeply cherish while working a full-time job, I often find it difficult to have any time for myself to work on new art pieces, and even expand artistically (making music and go to casting calls for acting). I model the most out of all the things I do creatively, but only because there is a demand for me to be in the spotlight due to my looks and I do make money from it. And I’ve had difficulty making any financial gains in my illustrations and art pieces.

Right now how I’m looking to see how to get my name more out there. I’m considering publishing my poetry with my artwork together in a book, as a first volume. I’ve also submitted my artwork to a museum, and looking to have my art featured in galleries. It’s a challenge, especially in the age of online influencers and the advent of AI when there’s so much competition to stick out in a world of billions of people, and now AI apps. But again resilience, I have to keep going.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.redbubble.com/people/Artseance/explore
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/knives.sg
• Other: Allmylinks: https://allmylinks.com/knives
  Suicidegirls: https://www.suicidegirls.com/girls/knives/ref/1064251/

Image Credits

Edwing Roncal, Billy Wolak