Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Lela Shahrzad Welch. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.
Lela Shahrzad, thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and lessons with us today. We’re particularly interested in hearing about how you became such a resilient person. Where do you get your resilience from?
Haha, I don’t see myself as resilient. But I suppose I am, in a way. But so many people are resilient– far more resilient than me. But it’s only by looking back without judgment that I can see it in myself. The nihilist in me wants to say my resilience is motivated by some fear and definitely made possible by privilege. Some of that resilience is sheer stubbornness. But I think having two opposing ideas living in your brain is OK. It’s OK to acknowledge the dark. I can’t recognize the good without it. But I don’t judge it. I pay attention to it and allow my actions to choose the path that coincides with the person I want to be. Physical movement, or acting differently despite your feelings, can go a long way in re-programming the way I think about myself. And as long as I’m acting towards who or what I want to be, it allows me to change my thoughts and let go of perfectionism. Perfect doesn’t exist and is just a manifestation of my fear. Fear of not being accepted or needing approval. If I’m perfect, I’m bulletproof, and no one can criticize me. Resilience is not allowing positive or negative feedback to have too much effect on me. It’s not being attached to external feedback but relying on my internal guiding intuition. It’s easy to say that now, when I’m not under stress, though– I’ll admit, I’m a work in progress.
But, going back to perfectionism, since perfect doesn’t exist, it sets me up for failure. So, I’ve recalibrated my expectations of myself. If I give 30% daily and feel 30%– that’s 100% of my effort. If I make even one small effort towards my daily goals, I’m moving forward. So, in a way, some of my resilience comes from a lack of self-judgment.
Thanks for sharing that. So, before we get any further into our conversation, can you tell our readers a bit about yourself and what you’re working on?
I am a second-year MFA student at the University of Santa Barbara, CA. I am here on the Regent’s Fellowship. Over 10 years ago, I was a college dropout with a heroin addiction. I had to pause after writing that sentence because, even now, seeing how far I’ve come still blows me away. I am an artist working in time-based media, performance, and sculpture. I have the good fortune of making work in a program that is fully funded, so I don’t have to worry about bloated student debt after this graduate degree. And it’s the first time in 10 years I’m not working 40-60 hours a week, and I can make art full-time. With that said, I spend a lot of time thinking and researching a variety of things that make sense mostly to just me– about hybridity (shout out to Jenni Sorkin for that word), about how we mold our identities when we lose the archives of our ancestry, how we create new symbols or narratives in that liminal space where histories are uncertain, how sacrifice impacts history. I’m thinking about craft at the intersection of visual art and the classist connotations imbued in that division. I’m fascinated by objects like ancient Iranian metalwork, kohl bottles, and motorcycles. I’m curious about motorcycles and the open American road/dream/masc freedom they symbolize. I’m particularly inspired by DIY sissy bars on vintage Harley Davidson choppers or the Bōsōzoku style FXRs– really, the ingenious ways metal and hybridity are used to transcend fabrication traditions to new planes of an aesthetic. It all ties in somehow to camp – I’m always thinking about what happens to camp when it is taken seriously.
As for upcoming projects, I’m performing at INVERSE’s Performance Art Festival at the Momentary in Arkansas (Nov. 2-5). The UCSB MFA thesis show will be happening at the Art, Design, and Architecture Museum in Santa Barbara at the end of May/start of June– you can follow my insta @lelashahrzad or @artdept_ucsb for more information about exact dates. My cohort has some brilliant artists, and I’m excited to see all our work come together. I am working with artist and educator Elizabeth Folk to co-curate a performance art show for Fall 2024. I have a group show with artists Diego Melgoza and Lyra Purugganan at the CSU Channel Islands gallery. The reception will be on October 18th at the Napa Hall Art Gallery on campus. I have a few other projects in the works for 2024 that aren’t ready to be announced yet, but when it’s time, I’ll post them on my Instagram.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Advice in the sobriety realm is tricky. I’m a firm believer in harm reduction and trauma-informed care. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. To find myself again, I had to go cold turkey off all mind-altering substances. What works for me might not work for the next person, and I was privileged enough to have a lot of support. I think it’s harder for folks who experience either sexual trauma or folks dealing with either heroin or alcohol withdrawal. With that in mind, if you can find a way to give yourself a year to stay abstinent while in therapy, 12-step, or another program that helps you do some emotional work, that would be my advice. Then, you can decide moving forward whether an abstinent lifestyle might work for you. But sometimes abstinence isn’t the right fit for everyone. Working with a sponsor, therapist, rehab, or a trusted advisor on what makes sense for you and your life is important. And be patient with yourself. It’s one thing to come out with some physical sobriety and another entirely to figure out who you are again. In my first year, I didn’t know what music I liked; I hadn’t seen a movie in years, and there were swaths of popular culture I didn’t participate in. I didn’t start making art again until I was about five years sober. The creative process has to be free of self-judgment (another work in progress), so I really had to get right with who I was and have some self-actualization before I could begin diving back into that. I went back to finish my two-quarters of undergrad for a degree in visual art at 34 years old. I hadn’t been in school for close to 10 years. I was making art here and there, drawing, painting, etc., but nowhere near what I make today. My GPA before I dropped out of school in 2008/9 was around a 2. something.
I was terrified. But I just focused on what was right in front of me. Every time I’d start to think about the future, I’d panic. So I’d deal with my days from moment to moment. And it allowed me to relish my time and stay present. And over time, I realized that my addiction journey allowed me to be scared less of failure. Every time I’d fear not being accepted or good enough, I’d pause and think back to how far I’d come. I had already survived so much. So, who cares if I embarrassed myself or did terrible work? Embracing failure allowed me to experiment, which in turn allowed me to be less self critical in other areas of my life. Looking back, that was an extraordinary time. And that formula worked so well for me that I now use it in my MFA program. In all parts of my life, really. I think the true testament to success for me is earnestness. I will always choose sincerity, authenticity, and love over being “cool,” perfect, or distant.
Another important realization I’ve had is that the success of my peers is a source of inspiration, not a dig into my progress. Everyone moves through life at a different pace. Staying out of judgment of myself and others has improved other elements of my psyche, like confidence and self-esteem. I’ve found that esteem is a practice; esteemable acts like not gatekeeping knowledge, reminding myself how far I’ve come, THERAPY, helping others, staying in my lane, and letting go of my ego. Every day, one is faced with micro decisions. As subtle as it may seem, the more I make those micro decisions in line with who I want to become, the closer I get to self-esteem. But it’s not a blanket process; I didn’t wake up with confidence and self-esteem one day. Every day, I work at it, and depending on situations, the time of day, my luteal phase, or whatever, that confidence and esteem can either wane or be more substantial—but knowing that this is a marathon, not a sprint and that the little things build to create a larger picture.
Before we go, maybe you can tell us a bit about your parents and what you feel was the most impactful thing they did for you?
I’ll tell you right now: this will be hard to answer, but not in the way you might think. It’s hard to answer because my relationship with my family has so much nuance. There is no villain in this story. Just humans trying to make sense of their lived experience and making bad decisions. And for anyone reading this as a parent, my mom broke all the cardinal rules of what to do with an addict. She enabled me. She didn’t know about the disease, so she did her best. And no one can fault her for that. I can’t imagine what both my parents went through at that time. But she did one major thing that changed the trajectory of my soon-to-be recovery. I received treatment on a scholarship from a not excellent treatment center in Reseda, CA, under the CAIRS Act– I think that’s what it was called then. It’s no longer around. It allowed treatment for folx of Native descendency. My great-grandfather was on the rolls. My mom worked hard to get me admitted into treatment and then set about finding me on the streets to beg me to go. When she finally found me, I was in a bad way. But the stars had aligned for us because my being in a bad way was the only way I would have said yes. I was sick, broke, and tired. Going with her meant I could sleep safely, shower, and, if I was lucky, get some methadone. And she was ready for that opening in me. We didn’t stop for clothes or anything; just let’s get in the car and go. Because of that, my last high was snuck in an AM/PM bathroom in Reseda right before she dropped me off. That was over 10 years ago. If she hadn’t done that footwork, if she didn’t hunt me down, I’m not sure I’d still be alive.
Contact Info:
- Website: www.lelashahrzad.com
- Instagram: @lelashahrzad
Image Credits
(The names of each photographer are attached in the label in the photo upload) Images by: Trieu Nguyen Todd Perkins Hiroshi Clark
