We’re excited to introduce you to the always interesting and insightful Lindsey Leaverton. We hope you’ll enjoy our conversation with Lindsey below.
Lindsey, we are so deeply grateful to you for opening up about your journey with mental health in the hops that it can help someone who might be going through something similar. Can you talk to us about your mental health journey and how you overcame or persisted despite any issues? For readers, please note this is not medical advice, we are not doctors, you should always consult professionals for advice and that this is merely one person sharing their story and experience.
I wouldn’t say I’ve necessarily overcome, but I’ve definitely persisted. I couldn’t not keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have tiny humans counting on me. I love my kids more than anything and anyone in life and believe they need a mom who is strong, resilient, empathetic and healthy. I have my own challenges with mental health in the form of generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD, but my life has been most impacted by a spouse who struggles with mental illness. While my anxiety can be crippling at times, I manage it fairly well most days. Thanks to an incredible support system of loving friends and family, fabulous medicine, and a brilliant therapist, I now see my anxiety as a normal part of life. It doesn’t control me and it’s surprisingly been a gift. I’ve struggled in the past with depression, as well. Most recently, PTSD has been somewhat crippling. I’m working through it in therapy, but no two days are the same. When we experience traumatic events over a sustained period of time, it has a lasting effect on everything. Though my faith has changed dramatically over the course of my life, it is my faith that keeps me grounded and gives me strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and showing up to life despite its myriad of challenges. It hasn’t been a pretty picture nor an easy road, but I am grateful for the challenges I’ve faced related to mental health. I now see my personal mental health challenges as a gift that has made me the person I am today. Toward the beginning of Covid, my wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She shared her journey and diagnosis on social media and has given me permission to share, as well. BPD is one of the most under-researched yet overwhelmingly challenging mental illnesses. Everything changed and our lives were turned completely upside down. Navigating through the last few years has been nothing short of painful and traumatic, but I realized early on that I had to be strong and stay strong. Loving someone with BPD, and being married to someone with BPD specifically, can swallow up even the strongest, most resilient of people. However, I felt I had no choice but to wake up each day, do the next right thing, take care of myself and double down on self-care, while simultaneously trying to show up for my family. Mental illness has touched every area of my life and my kids’ lives. While it’s been extremely difficult, I’ve also learned and grown more than I could’ve possibly imagined. One of the driving factors for writing my book was to help process everything I was experiencing. The book was the medicine and writing it helped me become more aware, reframe my relationship with pain and trauma, and find a new way to move forward even when the path is unclear and the road is unpaved. I’ve always been a survivor, but these past few years almost destroyed me. I became a shell of a human, a broken version of myself. Many times I felt the light draining from my eyes. But each day I chose to get up and show up, I found strength in the unlikeliest of places. Alanon has been a life saver for me, along with stand-up comedy. Laughter is a universal language and there are few things more healing in life than humor. I persisted because I had to. There was no other option for me, or at least that’s what I felt at the time. And for that, I am thankful.
Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?
I’m a total goofball, fluent in sarcasm, obsessed with trash TV, and passionate about cheese. By day I’m the Director of Wealth Management at a boutique financial planning firm in Austin. I have twins who I adopted from birth and I’m completely obsessed with them. They’re 11 and the coolest, kindest kids on the planet. I have two rescue fur babies and a blind hedgehog named Hoagie. Yes like the sandwich. When I’m not managing people’s wealth, I spend time writing, reading, playing music, singing, walking aimlessly around my neighborhood, and writing stand-up comedy bits. Toward the beginning of Covid I finally started writing the book that I’ve been wanting to write for the better part of a decade. Due to the zero free time I have between working and mommin, it took me 3 years to write the book. Then, because I’m quite possibly the world’s most verbose person, it took another year just for editing. I originally wrote 262K words and the book needed to be no more than 90k words. And then finally, everything came together and the book will be released on January 16th! I’ve never been more excited about anything I’ve created, ever. I’m more excited about this book than all 7 albums that I’ve released during my music career – combined. Ah yes, I forgot to mention that I used to tour professionally and sing all over the country. I was a contemporary Christian musician and worship leader. Upon coming out in 2009, I lost everything. My career, my friends, and most of my family. I started waiting tables at a seafood restaurant making less than minimum wage, going from full-time touring to cleaning up breadcrumbs off the carpet and I didn’t even get to be the Happy Birthday singer! My journey is one of numerous twists and turns with zero straight lines. In 2010, I was recruited to work in the financial services industry where I worked my way up from a personal banker to branch manager and onto private banker specializing in wealth management and financial planning. I love what I do and I love helping clients find peace when it comes to money and finances. The most exciting part of my day job is helping to alleviate the anxiety that comes with all things money related. There’s nothing better than seeing a client’s light bulb turn on as they take a deep breath knowing that they’re going to be ok because we have a plan. I also love the nerdy side of my job and am obsessed with math, numbers, patterns, and data. I get to use both sides of my brain equally and that lights me up. What I love most about being an author is having the opportunity to share my story and spread the word about how not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes Life just happens and horrible things happen in life. Sometimes we can find gifts in the grief and treasures in the trauma, but other times we can’t even see right in front of our face because the pain fog is so dense. Even though the book isn’t officially out yet, I’ve already received incredible feedback from people who received an Advanced Readers Copy. Pouring my life into this book and watching people’s lives be changed by it, is something no one can ever take away from me. To me, the book is already a huge success even if I don’t sell one copy because I did the damn thing. It was cumbersome and laborious, but it happened and I can’t wait to officially release it into the wild on Jan 16th! My favorite part about the book is the fact that it’s not just a book. I’ve included 19 adult coloring book pages throughout the book to encourage the reader to slow down and process what they’ve just read before moving onto the next chapter. I’ve also incorporated music throughout the book. At the end of each chapter, I’ve included a QR code which takes the reader to one of my original songs that aligns with the concept of the corresponding chapter. I wanted the book to be a journey, an experience utilizing various modalities of interaction. If you pick up the book you’ll soon realize that I’m obsessively authentic, gritty, vulnerable, raw, irreverent, and will find a way to make people laugh if it’s the last thing I do on this earth. I’m not an influencer, I’m not polished, and I have a questionable sense of fashion and humor. I probably drink too much bourbon and watch too many episodes of the Real Housewives of every city, but I’m me and I don’t apologize for that anymore. 2024 is going to be a year like no other. Along with the book release, I’ll be doing a podcast tour and it’s already begun! I’m meeting some incredible people who are changing the world in their own way. In addition to the podcast tour, there’s an Interview Series called “She’s A Lot” where I interview 12 badass women who are killin it in their respective areas of influence. I’ll release one interview each month throughout the course of 2024. My hope is that women all over the country will connect with the book and tell their best friends, “Girl, you absolutely HAVE to read this book!”
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
1. Self-awareness 2. Grit
3. Humor
As a 41 year-old emotionally exhausted and frequently tired full-time working single mom of 2, I wouldn’t have survived all these years (and somehow survived well and grown) without those 3 qualities. I live my life and approach everything in life with something I learned early on in the rooms of Alanon. We call it the 3 A’s: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. In that exact order. The first step is always awareness, and specifically self-awareness. I can’t accept the things I cannot change if I have no awareness of what those things actually are. No matter what I’ve faced or am currently grappling with and will continue struggling with in the future, I know the secret sauce is found in awareness. Who am I? How am I showing up in the world? What was I made for and what is my ultimate purpose? I’ve conditioned myself to get curious about myself and my triggers. I strive to constantly deepen my level of awareness about not only myself, but the people and situations around me. I’m always so tempted to jump into action, the 3rd A. But each time I take a step back and gain some much-needed perspective, I realize how crucial it is to start with awareness and then move on to acceptance. As one of my favorite authors Dr. Wayne Dyer writes, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” That process can be transformational and it starts with self-awareness.
Second, I believe grit is the most crucial quality that someone needs to have in order to survive this insane journey called life. There is no life without pain and struggle. There is no joy without loss and grief. Similar to how there’s no light without darkness and so on. Life is going to keep life-ing, and we won’t have a chance of surviving and thriving if we don’t have grit. A part of me feels like I was born with grit. I came out of the womb swinging and ready to fight for whatever I believed worthy of pursuing. Good ol’ Merriam Webster defines grit in two ways that I think are incredibly fascinating:
A. the structure of a stone that adapts it to grinding
B. firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger
The first definition blows my mind since it really has nothing to do with grit in the sense we typically understand it. However, it has everything to do with grit when you think more about it. I know I’m not the only one who knows what it feels like to be a stone experiencing the never-ending grind. This non-stop grinding will either kill us or change us, so we have to learn how to adapt in order to keep going and keep growing with intention. Then we have the second definition. Show me a human with firmness of mind AND spirit, and I’ll show you someone who can get through anything, and I do mean anything. I’ve been through hell and back, and then back again, lost everything I cared about at least twice in my life, and I am currently going through the most painful season I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. And yet, I am pulled out of bed in the morning by that unyielding courage that refuses to cower in the face of all the shit life tends to throw at us. The book is all about finding gifts in the midst of Life’s shit, and there’s really no way to accomplish that without grit.
Last but certainly not least, humor. I love laughing. I love everything about laughter and humor in general. There were some nights I only survived thanks to stand up comedy and other guilty pleasures that caused me to chuckle or belly laugh. Whether I’m watching a video of pandas being complete idiots, a short bit from a comedian, or yet another episode of Schitt’s Creek, I crave laughter. It’s healing and so SO much cheaper than my therapy bills. The more I laugh, the more my shoulders loosen up and my chest stops tightening. Charlie Chaplin said it best: “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.” This might sound insane on the surface, but I’ve come to believe this is truth. The more space I get between me and my pain, the more I’m able to approach the entire situation with new eyes. The more laughter I can bring into my life and bring into other people’s lives, the less burdensome I feel. When I’m laughing, I forget that I’m drowning. It’s not a lazy bypass, but an intentional act of defiance against our tendency to become completely swallowed up by life. The main reason I’ve been able to keep moving forward even when I’m limping along is because of laughter and finding humor in the midst of mountains of hurt. I’ve heard it said that there’s no learning without pain. I would also suggest that there’s no freedom without laughter. Why is it that kids so naturally laugh with reckless abandon, but so few adults do? We need to get back to that child-like approach where we find joy in the littlest things. I’ve committed to doing more things this year that either bring a smile to my face or laugh to my life. I want to belly laugh and snort and cry because I’m laughing so hard. That’s why I felt it was so important to include humor all throughout the book since the content can be quite intense at times.
For those of you who are on your own journey with pain, overwhelm, stress, or exhaustion, I hope you’ll find these three qualities in yourself and pursue them. Start small. Simply start to become more aware of your surroundings, your body, your mind, your thoughts, and what you spend your time doing. Start to observe absolutely everything in your life, because the very act of observation changes the nature of the thing being observed. Take time to follow a butterfly as it flies around you, smell a weed that looks like a flower just to see if it smells good, drink and eat more slowly, and slow down in general. Awareness is the magic that will pave the life we’ve always wanted but didn’t know we could have. Find the grit inside you. We all have it. It’s more prevalent in some people and might be hidden deep in other people. Either way, you’ve survived this much and you’ve made it this far. That most likely wouldn’t be possible without grit and resilience. Hold on and don’t give up before the miracle. It’s coming. Don’t quit. No matter how unbearable the grinding gets to whatever stone you’re contending with, keep going. Think of how smooth the river rocks are because they’ve been pelted over and over again by waves and currents. Lean on your inner badass to find that firmness of mind and spirit that will enable you to adapt to anything and everything life throws at you. Be unyielding in your pursuit of courage and let no one and nothing disrupt or steal your peace. Try not to take yourself and your life too seriously. Go find what makes you laugh and do more of that. If you have a friend who makes you laugh until your abs hurt, spend more time with that friend. It’s not just going to happen. We have to pursue that which will make us feel a slight relief from the pain. And don’t do it alone. Find your people. I’d rather be in the deep-end with a few people than in the shallow-end with 100 people.
Is there a particular challenge you are currently facing?
I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a challenge that I was facing. As soon as I finally started to accept that life is full of challenges and there’s no smooth ride, the happier I became and the more peace I was able to hold onto. Though I can’t go into great detail due to the sensitive legal nature of what’s going on, I can talk about it in general terms. I’m going through my second, YES SECOND divorce. By the time it’s all over and settled, I’ll have two ex-wives. Who can even say that, especially someone who is a woman? I’m sure lots of men have two ex-wives, but mercy, I never thought I’d be someone to add “twice divorced” to my life resume. And yet, here I am. Heart broken, traumatized, discouraged, scared, worried, and overwhelmed. Even though I wrote the book years ago, the content continues to help me navigate the challenges I’m facing even as I type this. I spend all day working at my real job and then spend as much time with my kiddos as possible. When I’m not working on book stuff, I’m working on divorce stuff. It is sucking up all of my already limited free time, money, and resources. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I have deadlines, document gathering, reliving extremely painful moments from the past, and court dates. It’s been nothing short of a nightmare, and that’s putting it lightly. No one wakes up in the morning and says “I think I’ll get married today and then divorced.” After my first divorce, which was extremely amicable and respectful, I swore I’d NEVER get married again. I had zero desire. I would’ve rather taken a cheese grater to my forehead than to ever find myself at the altar again. As life would have it, I did meet someone and fell madly in love. She was my everything and our love story was unique and beautiful. We had some good years followed by some very hard years. Our wedding went viral because we got married at a drive-in movie theater at the very beginning of the pandemic. We were in the New York Times, People Magazine, and on the Today Show to name a few. It was as if we were living in a dream world or rom com. Slowly but surely it all started crumbling and falling apart over time. I will never be the same, yet as I look back, I don’t have any regrets. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my 2nd marriage and impending divorce. I wouldn’t have this newfound sense of strength in knowing I can survive anything. I do NOT recommend trying to work a full-time job, raise two humans, take care of dogs, be a good friend, daughter, sister, and mom, while also launching a book into the world at the same time as a divorce. Soon it will all be over and I’ll get to the other side. I’m strong and will lean on my faith and grit. I hope to show my kids what it means to not only survive but thrive in spite of a horrible situation where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I want to show them that they can get through anything and grow regardless.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://www.notanotherselfhelpbook.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lindseykaneleaverton/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006071808246
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lindsey-k-leaverton-27410640/
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/lindseykane/featured
- SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/elle_g_atx
- Other: https://open.spotify.com/album/5yfaICi61wT573qQblESEb
Image Credits
Photos by Steven Miura Sally Lok
