We were lucky to catch up with Lotti Lofgren recently and have shared our conversation below.
Lotti, thank you so much for joining us today. Let’s jump right into something we’re really interested in hearing about from you – being the only one in the room. So many of us find ourselves as the only woman in the room, the only immigrant or the only artist in the room, etc. Can you talk to us about how you have learned to be effective and successful in situations where you are the only one in the room like you?
The short answer is that I do my best to pretend that I am not any different from anyone else and forge ahead as if no one sees my differences. Here’s the long answer…
I have always been a self-proclaimed weirdo, choosing to self-express through my tattoos, piercings, sometimes androgynous style, hair (mohawks, shaved head, wild colors, etc), so sometimes that is what makes me standout. I have always looked young and that was a hurdle for a while in the professional world. I learned in my late-30s that I am Neurocomplex, which means that I experience the world a bit differently from others and it can make spaces feel quite foreign.
When I was in my 20s, “masking” wasn’t a term, but now that it is I can tell you, I definitely masked as much as I could in order to be taken “seriously”. I was your typical looking and acting cis-gendered female from the Midwest. The only thing that I couldn’t really mask was how young I looked. I worked in advertising, and realized fast that my expertise and intelligence was often dismissed or not considered by high level clients because I looked so young. I remember one meeting I was leading for a well-known CPG brand and the President thought I was the Intern. The first time it happened threw me off my game. I recovered, but I was really in my head for a while about the fact that I had to consider the audience and proactively set myself up for success to manage expectations around my value. I would use humor to deflect the potential elephant in the room and everyone would laugh, but being that it was at my expense, it eventually took a toll. Why did I have to work so hard to make other people comfortable with me so that they would be open to what I had to say?
I am a teen cancer survivor, so when I turned 29, I decided I wanted to raise $5K and to incentivize donations, I said I’d shave my head if my goal was reached. I raised $8K in 30 days and said goodbye to over 18 inches of curly hair. Luckily the ad agency I was working for at the time was very supportive. Because I was client-facing though, they spun the story with clients to make me more palatable. Some part of me understood, but a bigger part was irked. Firstly, it was no one’s business why my head was shaved unless I chose to tell them. Secondly, again, why was it standard practice to make other people comfortable with me so that they would be open to what I had to say?
Outside of the professional world, after shaving my head, I noticed that the people who typically engaged with me now turned their heads and averted their eyes. In their place was a new world of weirdos like me who leaned in. It was wild to notice how drastic the line in the sand was for where I fit in, based on a simple haircut. And I started to wonder if how I looked, or how I was perceived, was really something worth managing? It reminded me of when I was 14 and going through cancer. I was a dancer and we were asked to perform at Epcot Center and then we got free tickets into the park. As we roamed through the rides, I distinctly remember mothers and fathers pulling their kids closer to them when I would walk by with a shaved head, as if I was dangerous or defective. I remember thinking I have 2 choices here, I can accommodate their discomfort (basically people please at my expense) or I could embrace the reality that people hadn’t been exposed to a kid with a shaved head and go about my day. I chose the latter. Although as I teen, I actually sometimes chose a 3rd option…to lean into the idea that I was a dangerous punk kid just to freak people out. It was fun for a minute, but it wasn’t real and ultimately felt gross.
I started to see that the most interesting parts about me were wasted on having to set up this whole context prior to, or when first, meeting me. It was exhausting. And forced the narrative to be around minimizing/contextualizing my “otherness” vs allowing me to share what was way more important about me (I’ll tell you, it isn’t my hair or my youthfulness). I remember the day that I finally said, I’m just not going to say anything anymore and see what happens. It might be a mistake, but it’s a risk I am willing to take.
What happened? It was more awkwardness at first, for sure. I could see people squirming a bit, but I just rolled in and chose to be fully me without any context. And while not everyone got on board, many did. I just had to build a capacity for the initial discomfort and then keep rolling. The impact of not wasting time contextualizing myself was that I got to spend more time focusing on my actual impact, connections, and contribution. THAT is what won people over, not making sure they were comfortable with me. In fact, minimizing their ability to work through their cognitive dissonance was taking away from all of us. By allowing the room to settle and recalibrate on its own, and simply focusing on what I came there to do, it started to directly expand people’s perception of what a “successful”, “smart”, “reliable”, etc. professional, and human, could be.
Today, I don’t really think a shaved head gets as many raised eyebrows as it once did (sometimes it still does), but what I learned from that time is that what you focus on expands. And when I focused on explaining away my “otherness”, it amplified it in a pity-ing way. And that took away from my real value as a human. When I instead pretended that I was no different from anyone else and forged ahead as if no one saw my differences, the focus became whatever I chose it to be. Of course, there are still socially ignorant humans, so sometimes they take the room for a ride at your expense. It’s not fun, but now I realize that if I wait a beat and let them finish out their run, I can eventually take the baton, allowing them to hold the weight of their own projections, and redirect the focus back onto what’s truly important.
The reality is that I could’ve saved myself some hardship by just being what the world expected me to be, so I guess you could say I brought some of this on myself, to some extent. But I’d have to kindly disagree because in my perspective, your value is in being who you truly are. Your value is in bringing your unique view point to the table. When we can embrace who we truly are, our nervous systems innately (eventually) regulate and we have access to so much creativity, wisdom, resourcefulness inside of us. And if/when we each embrace who we truly are, we will always walk into rooms where we are the only ones, but on the flip, we always will walk into rooms where we are never the only ones (because we are all being uniquely ourselves). When we are true to ourselves, we can finally relate to people because what is universal is having a unique expression and by owning each of ours, it allows us to be more open and connected to each other’s. And that makes the world a much more interesting and universally connected place.
Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?
My name is currently Rachel Bellotti, but I am going through the process of changing my name to Lotti Lofgren as I recently married and many people close to me usually call me “Lotti” (shortened version of Bellotti). It is quite a process and I am still working with the courts to finalize it, so for a while I will be working to communicate this publicly so people don’t think I’ve disappeared!
Beyond the name change, I have a gift for holding space for people to be their most authentic selves, and remember who they truly are. Most people come to me when they feel disconnected from themselves or are in the midst of transition. I am a trusted partner to safely move through change with, in a way that builds a stronger sense of self and trust in one’s innate value as a human and unique expression as an individual.
Right now I am focusing on 1:1 work with individuals and executives as I believe bringing more humanity and authenticity to leadership is a non-negotiable at this time. I am also working to bring my approach to adolescent and young adults going through cancer and survivorship, as well as developing a series of field guides to support in creating seasonal rituals that reconnect you to you. In September 2024, I will be speaking and co-leading programming for the first-ever ELEVATING HUMANITY THROUGH LEADERSHIP conference in Milwaukee, WI (https://www.elevatinghumanity.com/). I will be speaking about Regenerative Leadership: The Next Generation of Well-being.
What sets me apart is that I believe regenerative authenticity is the most sustainable way through change, so my focus always begins and ends with building a stronger sense of self, regardless of what we are partnering on. There is no one-size-fits-all, 10-step magic pill solution because we are all unique, so I meet each person where they are at and co-create tailored journeys with each client, for sustainable, authentic, self-led change.
I am a Life Integration Coach, and the creator of UN|STUCK Spaces, specializing in regenerative authenticity and the relationship to yourself. I empower self-expression, harnessing the tools of self, to understand who you are and what you’re truly capable of. I have partnered with hundreds of clients, from college students to executives, creatives to engineers, neurodivergent and gifted, to expand their capacity to trust their inner guidance system and ignite sustainable transformation in all areas of life.
Learn more at unstuck-unstuck.com. CREDENTIALS + SPECIALTIES: ACC|RMT200|breath + life coach, cPTSD recovery, embracing humanness, identity, moving through major life transitions/disruptions, self-trust, self-empowerment, self-agency, AYA cancer + trauma survivorship, creative expression.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Authenticity, slowing down, and owning my humanness have gotten me through a lot of inner and outer jams in my life. AUTHENTICITY reminds me to come back to me and make sure I listen to my inner guidance as I navigate the world. SLOWING DOWN is easier said than done sometimes, but it is the thing that most helped me start to heal my nervous system. Literally when I feel my temperature rising, I force myself to talk slower. To move slower. To go on a slow walk. To slow my breath. From there I start to remember how to care for myself and I can reconnect to my inner wisdom, clarity, and what’s most important. OWNING MY HUMANNESS is an aspect of mindful self-compassion that has truly changed the way I talk to and treat myself. If you haven’t heard of Kristin Neff, go check out her free meditations and mindful self-compassion workbook – it’s a game changer if you have a negative inner voice that just berates and tries to demolish you. Owning my humanness means that I realize we are all all of it. No one gets out of this life without making mistakes, having annoying tendencies, having superpower gifts, experiencing pain and joy and everything in between. This makes us human. Our unique experiences make our stories ours, but the essence of these experiences are rooted in universal truths, which means we are NOT alone in our experiences. Ever.
My advice for people early in their journey is to slow down in whatever ways you can and get to know themselves as unique individuals and as a humans. Read books. Journal. Self-inquire. Hire a coach. Join communities. Make art, even if it’s bad art. Everything is an opportunity to get to know yourself as you and as a human. Have fun unpacking and exploring you and your humanness. There is no one right path, just an intention and consistent promise to yourself to keep being open to the person you are.
What’s been one of your main areas of growth this year?
I have spent a good portion of my adult life learning about trauma recovery, on my own healing journey. I have learned dozens of modalities, really seeking to understand my own life. I will always be learning, but in the last 12 months, 3 insights have started to make a big difference.
1) At some point you must move beyond understanding and into actualization or you will spend the rest of your life spitting rhetoric that doesn’t ever move the needle. Said differently, a surgeon isn’t actually a surgeon until he makes the first cut. How do you move beyond the conceptual? Start taking small, 2 degree shifted actions/steps now and they will start to build new embodied muscles vs just understandings.
2) To go along with #1, you cannot leapfrog steps. For a while I tried to be farther along than I actually was and it really was holding me back. Now, I am learning that the shit I want to skip, is actually some of the most essential stuff to get you where you are going. So, get the support you need and lean in, safely and slowly. By slowing down, it typically speeds up the entire process in the end vs “forcing” and “lying” to yourself, which just keeps you stuck.
3) Absolutely nothing can substitute the benefit of rest and recovery. We HAVE to take breaks, otherwise we are just perpetuating survival mode and disconnecting ourself from our creativity, resourcefulness, and wisdom, which lives on the other side of a well-rested human.
Contact Info:
- Website: https://unstuck-unstuck.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lotti.lofgren/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/rcbellotti/
- Other: Elevating Humanity Through Leadership Conference: https://www.elevatinghumanity.com/
Image Credits
raven lynn photography, ravenlphotos.com
so if you or someone you know deserves recognition please let us know here.
