We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Maria Nguyen a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.
Maria, thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and lessons with us today. We’re particularly interested in hearing about how you became such a resilient person. Where do you get your resilience from?
My resilience stems from my upbringing. Darwin’s law of adaptation is applicable to humans just as it is to animals. I have many good attributes passed down from my family, but I was also faced with many of life’s tribulations. In this life the pursuit of happiness is a survival game. My brother and I were privileged enough to be first generation Vietnamese-American, but our lives weren’t anything like the glamorized American dream people depicted.
My parents at the time were coming from a war torn poverty stricken country in search of a better life. My father was around my age when made the decision to immigrate to America. Right after the Vietnam war he said his goodbyes to his family not knowing if he’ll ever see them again and hopped on a boat that took him to a refugee camp in Malaysia where he stayed for a year and a half before he was sponsored to go to America. My parents were in an arranged marriage with about a 20 year age gap, so probably while my dad was setting up his roots in America my mom was a mere toddler. She was the oldest in her family so she helped my grandma take care of her siblings. She dropped out of third grade to help raise her family alongside her parents. They got up early before the sun came up and the tides were low to go and catch mussels, clams, and crabs to sell at the market. They made baos and steamed them to sell on the streets. They had to find means to survive and when my mom was 18 she was presented with the opportunity to marry my father for money. In her head it seemed like the only viable option to make it out. She broke up with her boyfriend at the time and made the sacrifice to marry my father and leave everything she knew behind to start a life only one could imagine. Not long after came my brother and then me. They planted their roots and their future was beginning to be set in stone.
I’ve been told countless times I carry my mother’s traits while my brother carries my father’s traits. My mother was a go getter, lady boss, and power house aside from being a hustler she was also kind, selfless, and genuine. She would pour into everyone’s cup leaving hers empty. My father was a hard worker nonetheless, but once my mom was able to get things going on her own my dad was in her shadows. My dad was more carefree and went with the flow type and my brother also reflects that, while my mom stepped up and got it on her own and in ways I inherited that. I was the avant garde in the family being pushed into the limelight as my brother was casted into my shadows. Maybe I’m being cocky and saying I was the golden child, but people knew from a young age I was meant to be a trailblazer, they could see the flame in my aura. It took me a long time to discover it within myself for the most part my world was very dark. I had to grow up faster than most peers my age, I had responsibilities to take care of so I couldn’t focus on being a child. I had to see/hear the reality of how evil the world can be and that instilled fear in me. While being born in America, Vietnamese was my first language. I started learning once I was old enough to go to school, but I struggled to communicate with my peers around me. I didn’t know how to make friends or understand English so I hid in the bathroom and played by myself in the corners a lot. Growing up I was allowed to have friends, but I couldn’t hang out with them outside of school. I was restricted from doing a lot of things children should’ve been allowed to do. For the majority of my life I went to school and had to come home right away then eat and after that it was tutoring time where I did homework and studied more. We didn’t have cable or internet so all I could do was study. We weren’t allowed to have bad grades, we couldn’t have anything below an A and we were still ridiculed for getting A-’s. If it wasn’t perfect it wasn’t good enough. At a young age my family had instilled in me that I had to be perfect. If I wasn’t perfect I wasn’t good enough. I spent a lot of my life recieving criticism on how I can do better instead of terms of endearment. I had to work hard so they could boast about me to their friends and family. I was a trophy on a pedestal, but behind the curtains I was shunned like a black sheep in the family.
The truth of my resilience is rooted in my trauma and the abuse from people that were supposed to protect and uplift me. Through their eyes it was discipline and even now I feel uncomfortable calling it abuse, but I have to admit to myself and others for what it really is. I was disciplining myself without being kind and in that way it turned into a tumultuous cycle of self abuse. Living in the moment and every moment in survival mode instead of being able to appreciate it, I barely have any memories of my childhood at all. If I can even remember any it was moments of despair. My greatest accomplishments were always in times my life felt its lowest. I wasn’t allowed to feel emotions other than happiness, but I couldn’t be happy. Nobody could understand why I felt enraged, depressed, and anxious; I didn’t even know why I was. Now that I do know, it was because I was taught I wasn’t allowed to feel I had to focus on surviving so I was never taught how to regulate them. I started acting out in my pubescent stage going all the way into the adolescent stage. I was getting pulled into the counselors office for self harm and in and out of the hospital for a couple attempts. I didn’t know how to ask for help so I showed it in my actions. I had a lot of trauma that went unhealed and it showed in who I was as a person. I projected it onto others and the world around me seemed ugly because that’s how I was feeling inside.
As I was still going through the phases I believe God sent angels my way to help me out. I was lucky to be able to find endearing friendships with people who were able to raise my awareness and expand my perception. I was very insecure and I lacked love at home so I went out in the world being a people pleaser praying everyone would like me. I didn’t know who I was, I just knew I didn’t want to be an outcast. I was having one sided crushes and wondering why I couldn’t get in with the popular girls. I was trying to befriend everyone whether they were genuine or not because I just wanted to find a place to fit in. I was torn when I found out someone talked bad about me or when they only befriended me to take advantage of me because I had the purest intentions with everyone. It took me many years to establish boundaries and even now I have trouble standing firm on them. The people who I refer to as gifts from God helped me get the help I need. I was able to get into therapy and while it had its good and bad I was able to learn a lot of valuable lessons as well as how to regulate my emotions. For the first time I had to face my trauma head on instead of running away. It was tough, but it was rewarding. It was overwhelming nonetheless feeling like I was getting sucker punched left and right. The most memorable event in my life that humbled me was when I was working as a receptionist at the front desk and I had a rude customer beforehand so the customer I handled after I wasn’t nice to. At that moment I was feeling triggered so I just acted on it and usually when you’re rude to someone they’re rude back, but she was an older lady she was taken back at first with my attitude, but instead of treating me mean, she was kind. At that moment she took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m going to pray for you and that it gets better. I know you’re just hurting.” They say the eyes are the window to the soul and I think she was able to see how much pain there was behind my eyes. I teared up and gave her a gentle smile wishing her a good day, she did the same as before she left she said,”May God bless you.” From that day forward I knew I wanted to change for the better. I wanted to be someone like her who could offer kindness to people when they need it the most. Her small act of kindness was life changing to me and if that could happen for me, it can happen for anyone. The world is a dark and evil place but we as individuals are the light that makes the world brighter. At that moment and many other moments I discovered the light that I carry. There were many moments where I had clarity of my limitless potential, but also circumstances where I was sitting in the dark not knowing where to put my foot. My mother passed away at 40 years old from cancer. She was my hero, my twin, and the glue that bonded the family together. I watched her sacrifice herself for others and once she took care of everyone she promised to take care of she became ill. Due to her kindness and hard work she was one of the most respected people I knew. She was admirable in so many ways and I could feel the love, respect, and grief everyone had for her and I just pray I can carry myself the same way my mom did. Her life was cut short so I promised to live my life for the both of us, but it probably took a year before I could even start living again. I was in survival mode again before I knew it, I had no soul mentally I was somewhere far, I felt like a hollowed out shell. I had just learned to live and I was happy then it hit everyone out of nowhere with my mom‘s death. People could see how bad it affected me, my family was constantly telling me I looked skinnier and sicker than my mom when she was on her deathbed. I felt like I was at a dead end and for a while I just sat there instead of finding a way out. I had to sit there again this time facing my emotions and come to terms with it. I gave myself that time and my mom gave me her light and strength. When I felt ready again I stood back up on my feet. My mom was nothing short of greatness and I knew I had greatness in me, I just had to unlock it. After she passed the torch was passed to me and everyone looked at me as their new hope. I took after my mother so I was next up in line to suceed.
Resilence is the journey and process in which we discover our strengths. It’s easy to get tunnel vision and be unable to see the exit at the end of the tunnel, but we have to remind ourselves that we illuminate the paths for ourselves. The levels of consciousness we have will show our competence. The gratification I feel is my gratitude for the journey. I can’t say I have all the answers and wisdom in life, but I’m always eagerly expanding my perspectives and honoring other perspectives. People always say don’t let your past define you, but it’s really the stigma people associate with that phrase. My past and upbringing does define me, but I didn’t let it turn me into a victim instead I became a warrior. The trauma, skills, and knowledge I have I can’t unlearn or forget, but I can always use it to my advantage later on down the line and have the confidence to conquer all of life’s tribulations. I have seen the highest highs and felt the lowest lows and I trust myself to be able to overcome it all. Even when shit hits the ceiling fan if you already know how to get the momentum going again, it’ll only be a matter of time before you get back up there again right? I know better now that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, it takes a lot of practice to be considered exemplary. Just doing the best you can each and every day will lead you to success. There’s no need to rush the process and I remind myself every day even when my old habits take over and I want to be perfect, it’s an ongoing war every day in my head, but that just shows the hunger and thirst I have to make it. To be more you have to want more and I fear I’ll fall short of my promise to my mom of living the best life I can for the both of us. Everybody paints my beauty and etiquette to be soft and gentle as a rose, but the place I came from is full of thorns. Even when I was bleeding I stayed strong and resilient. I’m flourishing now because I made it through the storms.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
My true passion is in modeling now expanding to creative directing, I’ve starting to get into photography, editing, styling, and the over all process of being behind the scenes, I love being a muse, but being able to curate a vision has been peaking my curiosity
If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?
I think staying true to yourself, being genuine, and humble is the best qualities you can have. It’s a difference between wanting something and taking action to achieve it, and to achieve you have to be able to believe. The gratification comes further down the line, but you can always be grateful for every part of the journey. I think it all starts with trusting yourself once you’re grounded with yourself everything flourishes.
Looking back over the past 12 months or so, what do you think has been your biggest area of improvement or growth?
My mental health was at an all time low last year. I had lost my mom to cancer and a couple other family members right after her. I was depressed and not eating. I was in a toxic relationship and I had the strength to finally let go at the beginning of the year, but that was the trigger that helped me change. At my healthiest weight I was 122 lbs and when I got out of the relationship I was about 72/73 lbs. I had lost roughly 50 lbs, but since the beginning of the year I’ve been slowly nourishing myself and I’m currently around 90 lbs. I always wore baggy clothes to hid how skinny I was, it wasn’t easy constantly hearing people tell me I need to eat more. I never lost weight because I wanted to, but it’s also reassuring that people have seen my growth, I try to be my best in being transparent with my struggles and people have praised me for being open and showing my progress and it helps to know Im helping others by being vulnerable and that I’m not struggling alone others go through the same thing. Having compassion for others helps you be compassionate with yourself.
Contact Info:
- Instagram: Muhreyah
Image Credits
Instagram @blaxzalexander Instagram @dannyb4y Instgram: @yaboyneo
