We were lucky to catch up with Mia Hanks recently and have shared our conversation below.
Mia , so great to have you with us and we want to jump right into a really important question. In recent years, it’s become so clear that we’re living through a time where so many folks are lacking self-confidence and self-esteem. So, we’d love to hear about your journey and how you developed your self-confidence and self-esteem.
I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse. I married at a young age, and unbeknownst to me, my husband was a covert narcissist. Our lives revolved around him, exclusively. I learned early on that the only way to be happy was to make sure he was happy. I was responsible for his emotions, and if he had a bad day it must be my fault. I learned to walk on eggshells to ward off his child-like meltdowns, and I lived with sheer exhaustion for way too long. I remained in my marriage for 29 years and was conditioned from day one to rely on my abusive spouse. My confidence was chipped away little by little, day after day. I spent the majority of my marriage believing I was the problem and feeling unworthy, not good enough and disappointed with myself. After escaping my marriage it was time to rebuild my confidence and self esteem and this wasn’t an easy feat. I didn’t believe I could manage on my own. I believed that I didn’t have the skills needed to thrive and I questioned everything. I did not have confidence in my decision making skills and I continually second guessed myself. Through therapy and the support of family and a close friend I was able to find my footing. The people around me built my confidence every day and assured me that I could make it, even on the hardest of days. Slowly my self-esteem was built up and I became braver and more sure of myself with each passing day. I consider myself so blessed to have been surrounded by just the right people who were adamant that I would not fail, only succeed.
Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?
After leaving my abusive marriage, I wanted to learn more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. I found lots of books on this subject, but most were written by therapists and psychologists. I was seeking an insider point of view- someone who had actually lived this life of narcissistic abuse. Unfortunately I couldn’t find what I was seeking, so I decided to write a memoir. I wanted to show what day to day life with a narcissist was like. My book is a collection of short stories of my marriage beginning with our courtship and ending with our divorce. I am hoping that my story and my book can help to spread awareness about this insidious form of abuse. Too many people are trapped in these types of relationships, and I assume like me, most victims probably feel alone. I am hoping that my book can help these victims find their voices and know that they are not alone, that they can recover and rebound from their experiences and that life is much better on the other side of abuse. Additionally, I have also recently set up a website and started a blog to further help victims understand the scope of their situations.
Looking back, what do you think were the three qualities, skills, or areas of knowledge that were most impactful in your journey? What advice do you have for folks who are early in their journey in terms of how they can best develop or improve on these?
Three areas of knowledge that were most impactful to me during my journey of healing from abuse were- 1. Realizing I was not alone. I had never heard of narcissistic abuse prior to leaving my husband. I did not understand what had happened to me and I was hesitant to admit that I had been abused. I had been gaslit and effectively brainwashed and it took time for me to emerge from that fog. However, when I finally did I came to understand that there are so many victims out there. Narcissism is ruining so many lives and when I came to realize this it made me want to act and do something to help others.
2. One good day does not cancel out a bad day. After leaving my marriage I was overcome with guilt. I wasn’t sure that I had done the right thing. My life had been plagued with such misery during my marriage, but there had been plenty of good times, too. One day I was confiding to a close friend I kept saying, “Not every day was bad. There were good times, too.” My friend quickly spoke up and stated, “There are not enough good days in the world to make up for one day of trauma that he put you through.” It was then that I realized my life was not a simple math problem. A positive doesn’t cancel out a negative. One incident of trauma is too much regardless of how many good days follow. Plain and simple.
3. Self-care is not selfish. During my marriage I was always made to feel guilty if I did anything for myself. In my marriage I didn’t matter, only my husband did. After leaving, I was amazed with how good I felt physically. My body had been slowly breaking down due to the stress I had been living with. Chronic pain, headaches, stomach aches, etc, had taken over and in the last year of my marriage I felt sick nearly every day. Today I understand the need to take care of myself. Today I rest when I am tired and I don’t feel bad about it. I listen to my body and I take care of myself mentally and physically. Self-care is not selfish, it is self preservation.
Okay, so before we go, is there anyone you’d like to shoutout for the role they’ve played in helping you develop the essential skills or overcome challenges along the way?
I have several people who have helped me through the process of divorce and healing from my abusive marriage. I consider myself so lucky to have just the right people around me. My parents have been a pillar of support from day one. They helped me financially after I left my husband. They gave me a place to live, attended all of my legal meetings with me and offered advice at every turn. My kids have offered so much moral support. They have assured me that I did the right thing by leaving, and I believe they are proud of my courage to finally take that step and start a new life for myself. My best friend has been my sounding board and my closest confidant. While therapy is important, it is also vital to have someone to talk to daily. My friend encourages me every day to be confident, believe in myself and keep pushing forward. I am a better person today because of these people. It would have been easy to slip into isolation after my trauma and divorce, but my people stand by me and keep me thriving and striving to do my best.
Contact Info:
- Website: miajhanks.com
- Instagram: @npd.andme
- Other: TikTok @npdandme
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