Meet Millie Van Kol

Alright – so today we’ve got the honor of introducing you to Millie Van Kol. We think you’ll enjoy our conversation, we’ve shared it below.

Millie , thanks so much for taking the time to share your insights and lessons with us today. We’re particularly interested in hearing about how you became such a resilient person. Where do you get your resilience from?

Where do I get my resilience from? It’s funny, I don’t think its something that you often think about, or realize you have until you take a moment to look back and reflect on all of the mountain ranges you have climbed to get to where you are at this very moment. I also don’t think it boils down to one thing but in fact it is a combination of different parts of yourself. Your experiences, your hopes, your dreams, the people surrounding you, your environment. Almost like a stained glass window. A combination of colours that create a beautiful picture of multicoloured light.

At a high level, I guess resilience is a form of survival, it’s almost not a choice but a necessity in order to survive life. But I also believe that true resilience is more than that. For me resilience is a form of love. That in those moments where you do fall, or get knocked over, where life just keeps throwing you those life lemons, that you love yourself enough to get through it. I believe it to be a beautiful inner strength that I think everybody is capable of having but is something that can be challenging to call upon because it requires you to believe and love yourself enough to keep going. Even through those times where all you want to do is just crawl into a ball and hide from the world, in the moments where you just want to stop trying. And I think it’s safe to say that most of us have experienced moments like that. But I also think that we can often feel isolated in those moments, those feelings and experiences, not realising that we all get knocked down in life sometimes, not realising that learning to love yourself is something that everybody has to work on everyday, even if it is on different levels. And so I believe we are all capable of resilience and self love, it just depends on whether you are willing to work on it because in my limited experience on this earth, learning to love yourself and teaching yourself to get back up when you are hit with a lemon is something that you have to work on everyday.

I also feel like part of resilience comes from the ability to understand yourself. Which sometimes I feel like we are not encouraged enough to do in life. When you are faced with those moments where you have been knocked down, I think it’s often communicated to us that we must just get back up and keep going, to be strong and get on with it. But we often don’t give ourselves the space to feel the emotions of whatever it was that knocked us down in the first place. We don’t allow ourselves the time to grieve, to feel, to rest…just that we need to keep going in order to survive. Which to me doesn’t build the right foundation for healthy resilience.

When I think about where I got my resilience from, it’s been a combination of things. Like that stained glass window. It’s developed through years of learning to love myself enough to always pick myself back up when I get knocked down, years of building a foundation so strong that when I do fall, I have somewhere safe inside myself to rebuild and faith that I am capable of navigating all things that are thrown my way, because I am worthy of a life that is full of what is meaningful to me. And it hasn’t been easy. There have been many times where I have wanted to quit or give up. And when I think about my hopes, my dreams, my goals and the times where I have fallen short, been knocked down or come up against a closed door, I’ve had to lean heavily on that self love, my inner foundation and my faith. I am also learning that resilience is about understanding that sometimes when a door won’t open for you, or when you get knocked off the path you think you should be on, sometimes that’s an opportunity to change course, perhaps to something that is even better than you realise. Rejection is often times protection in my experience.

The scary part is I often have no idea what that something better looks like. And it’s hard, really hard. I have had to redefine myself over and over again. My dreams have changed, my view of the world has changed, the people surrounding me have changed and I am constantly changing and growing. And that can be really painful and hard to navigate. And there have been many times that my faith has wavered. But it’s like my heart is guiding me and all I have to do is listen to it. Easier said than done, but it often doesn’t feel like a choice. It’s a feeling, a knowing, that if I just keep trying, keep loving myself, keep learning and growing and keep having faith, that I am capable of getting through anything that life throws at me.

I grew up in Aotearoa New Zealand, a beautiful country at the bottom of the world. I had a wonderful childhood and life there and to this day it is my favourite place on earth. I grew up in the country, with wonderful animals and I spent a lot of my childhood exploring. I was a competitive dancer throughout most of the youth, learning to tell stories through music and self expression. I was gifted with a family who supported and loved me in every way possible and I truly love being a kiwi. Growing up in a place like Aotearoa really helped define who I became and the resilience that I developed. But New Zealand is far away from pretty much everything and I was a small kid with big dreams. And sometimes the only way to follow those dreams is by choosing a path that might seem unconventional and might require you to call upon a great deal of resilience. If you were someone with big dreams and had the pull that I did, it meant that you had to take a huge leap of faith with the knowledge that you might indeed fall. Which is scary but that is exactly what I did.

I packed up my whole life when I was 24 years old and moved to California. Totally and completely on my own. I did not know a soul. I had no family in the USA. No friends in California. No job. No partner. Just a one way plane ticket. And despite how scary that was, how nerve racking it was, I was fueled by this inner feeling, inner knowing that I was meant to go. And so I chose to trust myself and that feeling. I chose to have faith. And it was a really difficult decision to make, to move far away from everything that I knew, away from my family and friends and what I consider home. A lot of people have talked about how brave it was for me to move, but I don’t always see it that way. In my mind, there was no other way. I had to follow my heart. Because the alternative seemed so much worse. I am also very fortunate that I have a really strong support system. A family who supports my bold decisions and sometimes unconventional path. My family, who despite living far away, have always been there to love and support me. And have encouraged me every step of the way.

But despite that amazing support system, moving and living overseas on my own has been one of the most challenging things that I have ever done. Having to build an entirely new life, in a new country, with new people was and still is very overwhelming. I can’t begin to count the times that I have fallen directly on my face. I have made countless mistakes, lived in difficult places, worked terrible jobs, learnt to drive on the other side of the road, built an entirely new community of people, felt culture shock repeatedly and when you start to think you have finally adjusted to your new life, you go home for a visit and feel reverse culture shock which is just as difficult because it’s harder to explain to your friends and family unless you are someone who has also experienced it. And I have also lost loved and cherished family members during the time that I have lived overseas, which was extremely painful and difficult. It’s as if you are split into two parts, your heart is split into two parts. Half of you wants to be home, with your family and friends, and the life you remember and the other half wants to stay, to continue to follow that inner feeling that you are in the right place, following your dreams. And that is something that I have to navigate on a daily basis. And it is really challenging. It’s as if you are constantly pulled in two different directions. And it can really knock you down. Sometimes it can be so challenging that you don’t want to go in either direction, instead you just want to sit down in a ball, not facing the world.

But despite all of the challenges and difficult times I have faced, I have chosen to get back up again and again and I have now lived in California for nearly 4 years (my 4 year anniversary is in January). I have been fortunate to build a wonderful community of people here in Los Angeles, who support and believe in all of my wacky and bold dreams. I have explored so many amazing new places, met amazing people, and have learnt more about myself than I could have ever imagined. My dreams have changed, my view of the world has changed, my own voice has changed, all for the better. I’m more confident, creative, bold and my spirit is stronger than I could have ever imagined. And that is because I choose to love myself, I choose to have faith and everyday I choose to continue to keep working on who I am, my foundation and my life. I choose to keep getting back up, through all of the difficult times and I choose to keep building and strengthening my resilience through love and faith.

Appreciate the insights and wisdom. Before we dig deeper and ask you about the skills that matter and more, maybe you can tell our readers about yourself?

My name is Millie van Kol and I am a kiwi who moved to California 4 years ago with a dream to be an actor but it’s amazing how your dreams can change.

I grew up in Aotearoa New Zealand, a beautiful country at the bottom of the world. I had a wonderful childhood and life there and to this day it is my favourite place on earth. From a young age I had big dreams of doing something creative. I was a competitive dancer throughout my youth, learning to tell stories through music and self expression. I loved theatre in high school, took any creative leadership opportunity I could and I wanted to explore and reach the world. I loved telling stories.

But life can often have a way of getting you to be more practical. Go to university, get a degree, a job, save money so you are stable and all that jazz. All important things of course, but it doesn’t always encourage you to take risks or follow your dreams. But it is what I did. I got a degree, a good job in events and marketing, and I started my life as a young professional adult. And I am grateful for that, it created a strong foundation for me but there was something within me that wanted more but I wasn’t exactly sure what that was. I knew I loved telling stories, theatre and performing, so I decided that I wanted to try my hand at acting. And that’s exactly what I did. I got a manager, an agent, some good headshots and started auditioning. In 2022, I was fortunate enough to land a lead role in an indie feature film called Shut Eye, directed by Tom Levesque. The film was to be shot in Auckland, New Zealand and was one of the most exciting things to have ever happened to me. It felt like a sign that I was on the right path. I met some amazing people and it was truly an amazing experience and story to tell. It was also however one of the most challenging experiences of my life at the time. The role affected my mental health in a way that took me a long time to figure out. At the time I chalked it up to a difficult and emotional character, but looking back I now realise that playing other characters, disappearing into another’s world, was something that negatively impacted my mental wellbeing, it was something that took me away from myself.

Growing up in a place like Aotearoa really helped define who I became, but New Zealand is far away from pretty much everything and I was someone who had big dreams. And if you were someone with big dreams and had the pull that I did, it meant that you had to take a huge leap of faith with the knowledge that you might indeed fall. But that is exactly what I did. I packed up my whole life when I was 24 years old and moved to California. Totally and completely on my own. I did not know a soul. I had no family in the USA. No friends in California. No job. No partner. Just a one way plane ticket. And despite how scary that was, how nerve racking it was, I was fueled by this inner feeling, inner knowing that I was meant to go. At the time it was with the dream of being an actor, now that dream has developed into something completely different, but the feeling is still the same. And I chose to trust myself and that feeling. I chose to have faith. And it was a really difficult decision to make, to move far away from everything that I knew, away from my family and friends and what I consider home. A lot of people have talked about how brave it was for me to move, but I don’t always see it that way. In my mind, there was no other way. I had to follow my heart. Because the alternative seemed so much worse. I am also very fortunate that I have a really strong support system. A family who supports my bold decisions and sometimes unconventional path. My family, who despite living far away, have always been there to love and support me. And have encouraged me every step of the way.

But despite that amazing support system, moving and living overseas on my own has been one of the most challenging things that I have ever done. Having to build an entirely new life, in a new country, with new people was and still is very overwhelming. I can’t begin to count the times that I have fallen directly on my face. I have made countless mistakes, lived in difficult places, worked terrible jobs, learnt to drive on the other side of the road, built an entirely new community of people, felt culture shock repeatedly and when you start to think you have finally adjusted to your new life, you go home for a visit and feel reverse culture shock which is just as difficult because it’s harder to explain to your friends and family unless you are someone who has also experienced it. And I have lost family members during the time that I have lived overseas, which is something that was extremely difficult and painful.

But despite all of the challenges and difficult times I have faced, I have chosen to get back up again and again and I have now lived in California for nearly 4 years (my 4 year anniversary is in January). I have been fortunate to build a wonderful community of people here in Los Angeles, who support and believe in all of my wacky and bold dreams. I have explored so many amazing new places, met amazing people, and have learnt more about myself than I could have ever imagined.

When I first moved to California, I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to be someone who was able to tell other people’s stories and looking back I now realise that it was because I was someone who didn’t fully know who I was. And I enjoyed the idea of diving into characters where I could disappear from my own world, my own voice. I was not confident in myself, my voice, my mind or who I was. It was honestly easier to escape or hide behind others. But after 4 years of living here, my dreams have completely changed, my view of the world has changed, my own voice has changed, all for the better. I’m more confident, creative, bold and my spirit is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I really learned to love who I am, and have learnt to really love my own voice, my own story and my own journey. I no longer want to play other people’s stories, but I want to dive into my own story. I want to use my own voice, I want to use my own journey and I want to use it in a way that explores self love, mental wellbeing, confidence and self expression. I started resenting playing other characters, because I was really enjoying playing myself. And so, over the last few months I really started to question what it was I wanted to do, what is my dream now? After all of that experience and growth is my dream still acting? And honestly that was a tough question to answer. When you have a dream for so long, it can be really scary to change that dream, to let it go. But I really sat with myself for a long time and I asked myself what it was I wanted to do with my life.

And I realised that I want to use my own voice to tell stories. Not someone else’s. So, over the next year I am going to be working on launching my own podcast. It’s still very much in the early stages but I guess I wanted to share it because it’s a stepping stone towards making my dream something that is tangible and real. But it is also a way for me to express how dreams can change, for anyone out there who is also struggling with the idea that their dreams might be different to what they used to be. That it is okay for your dreams to change, pivot or morph into something entirely different. Life isn’t a straight road but a complicated path that can be challenging to navigate. And if I am honest, it has also been a great reminder for myself that it is okay for my own dreams to change, as it’s been challenging but I am truly excited for what the future holds for me as I know that I am capable of succeeding in whatever it is my life has to offer. I am excited for the next curve in the road.

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

1. Looking back, I think one of the best things I ever did was to start prioritising my own mental health at the age that I did. Throughout my 20s, I have done everything that I can to better my mental health. I started going to therapy, I started journaling, I filled my life with positive mantras, I started dissecting my self doubts, I started asking questions about the world and how I viewed it, I started working on my voice and thinking about what I wanted to say. Because throughout life, we don’t realise that all of those difficult times that we go through, all of the times where we have maybe been made to feel like we are not good enough, talented enough, intelligent enough, they add up and can weigh us down. And it’s funny because I don’t think a lot of people understand why I have chosen to do it. I think when you are young, you are expected to be happy, and full of life, confident and free. And while yes, I am a lot of those things, I also struggle with anxiety, self doubt, periods of depression and I get overwhelmed. A lot. So I am really grateful that I made the decision to prioritise my mental health because now in my late 20s I am stronger and truly better off for it. But I also recognize and understand that working on your mental health can also be very overwhelming and daunting, it requires you to really face yourself, which is difficult. So if I were to give any advice it would be prioritise your mental health, do everything that you can to build a foundation of self love and self acceptance. Even if that means you start small. I started with journaling and some box breathing. Your mental health is important and it is more than okay to prioritise it.

2. Living overseas. Whether it be alone or with a friend or partner. For me, I was on my own and I truly think learning to survive and thrive in another country is one of the most rewarding things you can do in your life. You grow in ways that you never thought could be possible. You meet amazing people, you find resilience and strength where you didn’t think there was any, you are forced to step outside of your comfort zone which forces you to grow in confidence, you are made to spend time with yourself, which in turn gives you the space to really get to know who you are and what you want from life. If you find yourself in a position where you can experience living overseas, I highly recommend taking that chance. Because you really will grow in ways that you never thought possible.

3. To do your best to develop a strong sense of empathy and kindness. To me, humanity is more disconnected from each other than ever before. And I think one of the best qualities I have ever developed is my empathy and kindness. It can be difficult at times and has taken me a long time to develop but the older I get, the more I realise how important it is to do your best to embody those qualities. You never know what someone else is going through, or how your actions may affect them. There have been many times where I have lacked these qualities when interacting with others and many times where others have lacked these qualities when speaking and interacting with me and it directly and negatively impacted how I viewed and loved myself for a long time. How we interact with each other has a significant and direct impact on the world and so I really do believe that it’s important to do your best to lead with kindness and empathy as much as you can.

Is there a particular challenge you are currently facing?

Fear. Fear is definitely one of the biggest obstacles that I face on a daily basis. Fear of failure and fear of success. Fear of what people will think of me. Fear that I am not good enough. And a fear that I am not strong or confident enough to achieve my dreams. And I do think that is something that is pretty normal. It can be scary to do something that is meaningful, or against the grain. Fear is something that everyone has, it’s a form of self protection and self preservation. But it can also be something hinders you.

And so that’s one of the reasons why I focus so much on bettering my mental health. Despite being someone who likes to challenge myself and make bold choices in my life, I am also someone who really struggles with my self confidence and self image everyday. I doubt myself all of the time. I care a lot about what people think of me, I fear judgement and rejection. I have been in a lot of situations where I have been made to feel like I am not capable, that I am not intelligent enough, not creative enough, not talented enough. And in the past it has really torn me down. It instilled this fear in me that to this day I have to work to overcome everyday.

And so I choose to focus a lot on improving my mental wellbeing. With the vision that if I can improve the way that I see myself, that if I can continue to learn to love who I am, to slowly start believing in myself more and more, then I will have the skill and strength to overcome that fear, no matter what is thrown at me. With every dream that I have, with every goal and feeling, I will have the skills to face my fear head on. Even if it means just one step at a time, just one day at a time.

Contact Info:

• Instagram: instagram/millievankol
• Other: tiktok/mindful_millie

Image Credits

Andi Crown, photographer for all headshots provided.