Meet Rachel Gardner

We caught up with the brilliant and insightful Rachel Gardner a few weeks ago and have shared our conversation below.

Rachel , first a big thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and insights with us today. I’m sure many of our readers will benefit from your wisdom, and one of the areas where we think your insight might be most helpful is related to imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is holding so many people back from reaching their true and highest potential and so we’d love to hear about your journey and how you overcame imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome has been an interesting topic in my life over the years, I have attempted to tackle it many ways, starting with ignoring it, moving on to fighting it, eventually learning about it and now embracing it.

Being born to a family of professional musicians I found myself around such talent that I created a story in my head early on that I could never reach those levels. I never imagined I would call myself a musician. I had my challenges right from the start. Being born with significant hearing restrictions in a musical family created a sense of otherness and not belonging at a young age. I did not readily explore the world of music for a very long time.

I spent my teen years going to shows and immersing myself in grunge, pop, rock, and any other music I could get my hands on. Music was an escape, and if I played the music loud enough I believed I could drown out the feeling of not fitting in or feeling like an imposter. By that point in my life I had watched the musician life enough to know it wasn’t for me; the constant gigs, the hustle, the rejection and the volatility did not interest me. I saw the most talented and creative people get beat down by the world they immersed themselves in.

I always had an appreciation for the family I was born into, even if I didn’t feel like I fit in musically. My mother instilled in me a fierce independence and a bit of rebellious attitude, and my father always encouraged me to follow my passion regardless of expectations. Their combined influences, and my own nature, led me on a meandering path of adventures that eventually led back to music.

I spent my twenties drawn to the worlds of action sports, hip hop and travel. I pushed myself to become an athlete and spent endless winters skiing and snowboarding, traveling between the Pacific Northwest and New Zealand, living a life of extremes. I was one of the few females at the time working directly in the industry and I often came across barriers to what I was trying to accomplish. I forged ahead often ignoring the creeping imposter syndrome that was about to take over.

I eventually hit my limit, I had worked endless hours proving myself, doing everything I could to show others that I deserved to be part of this world, and when it came time for me to land my dream job I was told point blank that they wouldn’t interview me because I was a female. It was that moment that I started fighting. I did everything I could to fight the imposter syndrome that was taking over. I thought if I worked twice as hard I could convince people I was worthy. I was at all the shows and the premiers and spent my days on the hills. I would learn a new trick by practicing it 1,000 times, hiking up, falling down, getting up again. But nothing I did could quiet that voice that said I didn’t belong, and nothing I did was enough to prove my way into the world I was trying to enter.

Eventually I found myself forced to make some big changes and decisions about my life when I became a mother. I left the life I had built and took a corporate job working with brands in the industry and worked my way up through the ranks. During this time I dabbled more and more in music. It started with writing some songs and playing for myself. Over time it became more and more a part of my life as a way to process my emotions and deal with stress. My family grew, life went on, and I kept dabbling. I started connecting with other musicians and eventually joined a band. I still remember the panic attacks that would come on as I would go to band practice and sit in my car waiting to walk through those doors. The inner dialogue telling me that I shouldn’t be there, I wasn’t a musician!

Years went by and music became more and more of my life. I picked up different instruments, formed my own band, started meeting more musicians, and started finding ways to get more involved. I found myself asking other people how they combatted their imposter syndrome. Often I would ask, “At what point do you get past this?” And it would always be met with some sort of laugh or sigh. I was so intrigued by their stories I started writing about them. I connected with our local publication and would write articles about artists in our area. As I did more and more interviews I began regularly asking the question about either imposter syndrome or stage fright. To this day I have not found an artist who has not dealt with it at some level.

As I met more and more musicians I found a theme in how to deal with it: ‘you just do it anyways’. You feel nervous before a show? You feel like there isn’t a space for you in this world? You feel like you don’t belong here or deserve this? You just do it anyways.

I started following that ethos and things started happening. I wanted to find a way to create a space to support musicians and to use what I had learned in my corporate retail years, so I opened a record store in my town. I remember the day I signed the lease and every part of me was triggering alarm bells, “you can’t do this, who do you think you are, you are a 45 year old woman opening a record store, what are you thinking?” And I just embraced it all. I figured if every person out there feels like an imposter in some part of their life it just isn’t that special anymore. The imposter syndrome is just static in the background at this point, it jumps up when I do big scary (to me) things and I decide I will just do them anyways.

It does not mean it has been smooth sailing since that point. I have my days of doubts and questioning and I remind myself to go back to the core things that have gotten me through to this point.

1. Do what you said you were going to do. This is my go to, did I do what I said? Did I follow through on what I committed to? If not I make myself accountable and take responsibility for where I fell off track.

2. Am I staying true to what I am trying to do? It’s easy to get distracted by the shiny things, like fun shows and artist signings, but am I doing my part in helping local musicians and emerging artists? Am I creating a space for music that isn’t about me? What did I do today to help others find their path in music and feel like they belong?

3. Am I remaining grateful and looking for the good? I have a notes app in my phone and every night I make myself write down something good that happened. I started this when I was really struggling to see the good in my life and it has been a really great routine for me. There are nights where I am grumpy and don’t want to write anything and I throw a small pity party and then I force myself to find one thing.

So, have I found the answer? No. I still face imposter syndrome. I feel it when I go on stage to play a show. I think about it while joining a rock band in my mid-forties as a bass player who just learned the instrument five years ago, I ponder it when I go to record shows and pick up inventory for my shop and wonder if I am buying what my customers are looking for, I entertain it when I write a new song or even just introduce myself to a new person. But the difference is now I embrace it. I write songs about it. I give it mental hugs and thank it for how far it has pushed me in my life. And then I do the things anyways.

Thanks, so before we move on maybe you can share a bit more about yourself?

I own a record store/music boutique called Musicology Co in Edmonds, WA (www.musicologyco.com). The shop is focused on being an inviting place for all who enjoy music and to have a special focus on local musicians. There is live music every week and a section dedicated to locals selling their own CDs and vinyl.

I do what I can to support our local music scene by writing a monthly article and I volunteer booking music for local festivals,

I participate in music myself by playing bass guitar in a band (we just recorded a new song!), doing pop up all-vinyl DJ sets around town with my friends, and as a back up vocalist for an 80’s cover band.

My friend and I just started a side project with a website listing out the live music happening every night around town as a way to help musicians and venues, and to get music lovers to check out our awesome music scene. The website is www.edmondslivemusic.com

If you had to pick three qualities that are most important to develop, which three would you say matter most?

I think the three things that have helped me most along my journey are tenacity, risk tolerance and a sense of humor.

Being tenacious has allowed me to pick myself up again each time I fall. Some of those falls were humiliating and painful, but I had to keep going.

Having a bit of risk tolerance has given me the opportunity to try new things. I find it a bit humorous as people will tell me they could never get up and perform on stage and I am thinking to myself, gosh, I’m often anxious of just being in a new social situation like the conversation I am having in that moment, everyone has a different idea of what feels risky. Giving myself a push to try things has helped me continue to get myself out there.

A sense of humor is probably what has helped the most. I can at moments feel awkward and shy and socially anxious and if I let those things take me down I might not get back up again. If I can find a way to find the humor it makes the days more bearable.

Okay, so before we go we always love to ask if you are looking for folks to partner or collaborate with?

I would love to connect with artists and musicians and other creatives! I love to see what people are creating and give it an additional voice. Send me your music or your favorite album recommendation, I want to hear it! If you are a business owner wanting to connect with a woman-owned record store to do cool things let’s talk! And if you just need a cheerleader to keep going let me give you a quick pep talk.

Contact Info:

• Website: https://www.musicologyco.com
• Instagram: @musicology_co_

Image Credits

Alan Hardwick